Survival


Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me is finally free faithfully.

she who is me spent quarter two

walking through her blues to be fine tuned.

she who is me spent the last three months

walking through her unsafe combusts.

she who is me spent thirty-three years 

in a self-protective survival mode gear.

she who is me spent the last three months

facing her hurts to have godly prosperous worth.

she who is me spent the last three months

isolated from the souls that made her grow old.

she felt like a dark-light that was dying inside

being misguided by lies and jealous pride.

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me spent the last three months

becoming healthy biblically & unapologetically.

she who is me needed to be away from “family.”

Emmanuel God with us is family

because He died on the Cross of Calvary for me.

she who is me was connected to brokenness.

she who is me is thankful for her deliverance.

three years ago: she who is me rededicated her life back

to the Light of Jesus Christ to stand and fight.

she who is me is finally around souls 

that are healthy, and for her to grow

& glow by going with God’s flow.

she who is me sees her father

is fighting to be better in His Everlasting Lighting.

she who is me moves in by the Spirit only.

the Spirit is apart of the Holy Trinity divinity:

Father • Son • Spirit for souls to be set free

from the Cross of Calvary in unity lovingly.

the Spirit is known as the Holy Ghost & Holy Spirit.

the Holy Ghost says her Earth father is better.

the Holy Ghost shows her she must

be careful with all the others souls around her.

she who is me dwells in the realm of supernatural only.

she who is me isn’t afraid of separation 

from souls that don’t walk in His Dedication.

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me sees family is who God calls me to. 

she who is me says yes to her King(s) protectively 

to aggressively cover my space in His Race.

she who is me no longer sees survival mode

as her unspoken code that was cold not bold.

she who is me allows the bow to freedom faithfully.

she who is me allows he + He to lead me

because he + He + her is God’s Stir to occur.

she prays, obeys, and waits biblically.

he’s her Adam and she is his Eve effortlessly.

God is bigger than this resolving dark storm trigger. 

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

Survival mode is now her supernatural Revival.
 

Wonderful


I like to forget my pain

because to me it’s toxicity all in vain.

It’s screwing with the renewing of my mind.

(So I find) and it’s a rewind of time:

full of the bubbles of my troubles in a hallow 

swallow of sinking wrong thinking sorrows 

in no tomorrow, next to the flesh god facades, 

of my decay’s in yesterday’s which causes 

the pause in giving my all, where I’m called

to conquer the wandering pandering pitfalls.

God wants me full of wonder to be His see

of wonderful faithfully, but the world scares me deeply.

It’s nice that there’s no strife or plight everywhere.

A kind Bangkok man revived what died: 

kindness is still here, and people do care.

It was so nice that I stumbled in my troubles 

on that video where he walked as a hero,

for a middle aged man sinking in quicksand.

A kind Bangkok man talked that other man 

off the ledge of death that would’ve been later regret.

A kind Bangkok man received the knife that 

represented a strife desperate & stressed life.

A kind Bangkok man hugged the troubled soul 

where he stopped the clock of feeling his peeling 

reeling of being alone, and in the wrong zone.

Isolation is annihilation by the dedication of separation.

Isolation is the audacity to stagnantly see blindly.

Isolation is misery fleeing with the enemy by 

the lie of sleepwalking in a clone drone episode.

The enemy is determined to create the space

of unhealthy episodes, where we wear 

the gear of fear in hiding our tears by lying.

The enemy is determined to keep us cheap

by creeping in the tailspins of the slums of sinning.

The enemy is determined to keep us unaware

of God’s love, grace, and mercy to not know

or grow in the flow of owning our names.

If we don’t own our names then the membrane 

stays the same in the lane of disgrace or ashamed.

The enemy is determined to keep us replaying 

the deluded loop as drunken troops in our past.

Time moves forward not backwards, and God is above time.

God is a space of wonderful not disgrace 

or bringing on the wrong song like fearful.

God doesn’t want us tripped up 

in the hiccups of who we used to be.

That’s glancing back in a satanic attack,

which is a setback but God uses all for our call.

God doesn’t want us to combust to salt

like Lot’s wife who chose the hype of a strife life.

God wants us to be the salt of the Earth

not be hurt with no worth or turn to dirt.

God wants us to embrace the space of being set free.

God wants us to desire higher as a fighter.

God wants us to ignite the Light of Jesus Christ

that’s a fruitful seed hiding inside when we die.

We must lose the world boldly not coldly.

We must die to be revived like Jesus Christ.

To gain we must lose our old identity 

so we can own who we are called to be.

I like to forget my pain

because to me it’s toxicity all in vain.

It’s screwing with the renewing of my mind.

(So I find) and it’s a rewind of time:

full of the bubbles of my troubles in a hallow 

swallow of sinking wrong thinking sorrows 

in no tomorrow, next to the flesh god facades, 

of my decay’s in yesterday’s which causes 

the pause in giving my all, where I’m called

to conquer the wandering pandering pitfalls.

God wants me full of wonder to be His see

of wonderful faithfully, but the world scares me deeply.

God keeps showing and growing me through visions, 

and the layers of my prayers meditating 

as I am dedicating studying the Holy Bible.

What God shows me blows my mind 

and it’s hard to believe and receive 

after everything that went down & all this time.

My King that makes my soul sing tells me:

You will see.

Trust Me.

Be still.

Okay Constant One. 

Your Way not mine.

I am Yours Lord forever.

I’ll stay wonderful.

I’ll cling to my biblical truths as You move.

I’ll fix my eyes on the Light.

I won’t get tripped up on the tangible in my mind.

I’ll stay in Your Supernatural Safe Space.

Your Dome is my Permanent Home.

Thank you Holy Ghost.

Thank you King Jesus.

Thank you Constant One.

The Holy Trinity is key to being set free.

Love your fighter, lighter, and daughter.

Wisdom

there’s so many she’s

that believe in the bleed 

of their broken routines.

there’s so many she’s 

that are societal in their rituals.

there’s so many she’s 

that move in the groove of toxicity.

there’s so many she’s that live in misery.

there’s so many she’s 

that are culturally pacing 

in the wrong race lost

choking in smoke by the 

misguide of popularity lies.

popularity is a chain that God can break

if the stake of fame no longer shakes.

lies make she’s die as carnal jokes 

being led by the enemy who’s a bloke.

sleepwalking in misery fleeing in weeds

blindly behind pride that hides all ugly inside. 

there’s so many she’s 

forgetting the purpose of The Cross.

there’s so many she’s 

that want the mess of oppressed flesh.

there’s so many she’s 

that want to abuse the ruse 

& muse in corrupted confused.

there’s so many she’s 

that act like their she is better 

to condemn what’s their poisonous zen.

there’s so many she’s 

that are obsessively empty.

there’s so many she’s 

that aggressively want drunken confetti.

there’s so many she’s 

that wink in wrong thinking sinking,

tailspinning in distressing sinning.

this is a ditch with no switch.

this is a dark with no spark.

this is a night with no Light of Jesus Christ.

this is the wrong fight that’s ignited to divide.

this is the throng to be strong 

in the barbarity of irregularity chaotically.

chronically the enemy knows sin not names.

this is a lame of shame many ignore in vain.

the Holy Bible is revival and the blueprint 

to be fine tuned and sharpened in alertness.

the Holy Bible is walking the talk of pain

to always have wisdom and godly gain.

the Holy Bible is discernment and key 

to being set free biblically for all humanity.

“And the serpent said unto the woman, 

Ye shall not surely die: 

For God doth know that in the day 

ye eat thereof, then your eyes 

shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, 

knowing good and evil. And when the woman 

saw that the tree was good for food, 

and that it was pleasant to the eyes, 

and a tree to be desired to make one wise, 

she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, 

and gave also unto her husband with her; 

and he did eat.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:4-6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

the enemy knows sin, not names.

the enemy in Genesis three was very tricky.

the enemy never addressed Adam or Eve.

the enemy exposes all the ugly 

we don’t want to ever see or allow the bow

to flee and be set free faithfully in unity.

the enemy knows how to flip the script.

he did it to Adam and Eve and the weeds 

of sinning tailspins that never win succeeded.

Emmanuel God with us died to be revived

three days later, and reversed this curse.

there’s too many she’s 

that don’t know their own name.

Biblically wisdom is a she to be set free godly.

God knows our names not our sins.

There’s no more shame 

under His Great Name.

There’s no more sinning

in the purity of His Secure Winning.

There’s no more in vain pain

or stings under His Safe Wings.

There’s no more looking back glances

in fear of attacks & ruining second chances.

Women are she’s called to be set free

by conquering all pitfalls and rising to be salt.

We are called to be the salt of the earth

not look back in satanic attacks to get hurt

by becoming ashes to ashes 

or dust to dust. That’s dirt that hurts.

With God there’s no facades: 

just biblical worth.

She’s need to know their name.

She’s need to know their worth.

She’s need to know their biblical wisdom.

Know she’s are called to be set free.

Know to grow she’s must let go of known.

Know that biblically God thinks highly 

of His she’s that God will always lovingly carry

from glory to glory as His Created Story.

Love your sister Crysta and a she.

Behold


your daughter rejected this season 

as a reason and willed this prophetic hiss 

to be a lifetime by clinging to the stings in her mind.

your daughter wasn’t lying when she felt drawn 

to this man: this predestined land is quicksand.

your daughter didn’t want to receive 

the calling to pull out the weeds for this he.

your daughter wanted that to be me.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

she’s not ready to be godly supernaturally.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

she’s blinded by lies and they’re her lullabies.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

there’s no desire for sharpen accountability.

your daughter wants the pitfalls not the call.

your daughter wants to be in tangibility.

I understand because that’s my quicksand.

there’s a sensitivity that needed to be seen by me.

I wasn’t in the space to showcase love or grace.

I was angry and blinded by pride that made me die.

My insides weren’t right and I ran the wrong fight.

To be a Light of Jesus Christ is to spark the dark

in love found bound from Above.

I see God as my Sacred Dove & and my Wings

that I cling to because God’s my King & Holy Truth.

Emmanuel broke bread with the sick sinners.

Emmanuel didn’t hang with the self-righteous gang.

Emmanuel equipped them to own the authority of God.

There is power in the Great I Am and His Name Reigns.

This current storyline is bigger than humanistic minds.

The purpose of this pain is to gain souls that grew cold and old. 

Like mine.

Like your daughter’s

Like her brother turned to lover privately under covers.

Being in love is tough. 

Being in love is rough.

There’s a deep dream to be one unified team.

Only together will we ever be better.

Let it be is what you need me to see.

Let it be is your will being done on earth and heaven.

Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.

Forgive our own understanding that lands in quicksand.

Forgive our lack of trusting the still small waters.

Forgive our doubt you’ll turn bitter into sweet.

Forgive our impatience to intimately be in your presence God to meet.

Forgive my blinding anger I fed to get madder.

Forgive my lack of compassion for your daughter.

Forgive my lack of patience and trust for your son.

Forgive my lack of faith in supernatural.

Forgive our debtors as you wipe out our debts.

Reach and teach your creation to be in unity.

Reach and teach your creation to be one humanity.

Reach and teach your creation to be set free godly.

Thank you King for using all stings to be safe 

in the space of securely & purely in Your Wings.

I don’t know how this all unfolds.

Behold, you go before as Your Story will be told.

I love you King.

Love your daughter.

Redemption

I lay down the clutches.

I lay down the barriers.

I trust the blueprint.

I trust these movements.

I choose to fix my eyes on the Light.

Redemption is intentionality of my testimony.

I’m ready to defend him until the end.

I say yes to all of this and all of him.

Wreck me to reflect what’s not of this scene.

Remove the ugly and toxicity where

I no longer am stronger in this throng of wrong

thinking sinking tailspinning sinning.

I took this picture in total awe and wonder. Today I sunbathed telling you that you do the most God, and simultaneously falling madly in love with your artistic wonder. God I forgot how much I loved staring at the sky. I forgot how much I loved looking at the intricate details of your clouds. I’m thankful that my current circumstances pushes me to find productivity in a healthy way. I’m so thankful that I’m no longer fearful of having a relapse to my eating disorder. God you are healing me Your Way not my way. God you blessed me with accountability and iron sharpening sisterhood through my bestie Jojo,* and my other gems I’m thankful for. They’re both such hardworking strong women. One is creating her first dance show. The other one is building her culinary network working her butt off all over Canada and America. I’m proud of both of them. I’m so thankful they’re my sisters too. God you’re a genius. You use everything for your glory. 

During that storm you God made me reborn.

It’s been eight years since I became alive in Christ,

I repent for the rejection of that night 

where I had no sight or fight,

yet you took the wheel to heal and reveal

that Jesus Christ is Lord.

The Cross of Calvary set me free to be godly.

It took five years to switch off my gear of fear.

It wasn’t until the fourth month of the four day

in the year two thousand fourteen that I let go

of all that I know to free-fall in God’s unknown.

I’m so thankful for connecting with my newest sister. She’s so amazing, and we have so much in common God. I’m so thankful that you removed all the other women that shouldn’t be in my space. I’m just thankful that you aggressively honor having only your creation that belong in my space. I’m so thankful you’re honoring all the prayers that I didn’t tell anyone outside of Jojo, and one other person about. My heart is so filled after everything you blessed me with the strength to rise up from. I’m thankful that the past is the past, and I have peace about everything. I’m thankful that you’re shaking my awakening to go higher as being your called lighter.

The night in the car I thought I was going to die, 

and you gave me a reason why to fight God.

You wanted to show me what’s coming to me,

but I rejected the gift of your prophecy.

Over the years you still meet me like Balaam.

And all your other weary vessels with heavy hearts.

You took my doubt, and used it to renew my mind

where I find all my reasons to fight in the Light.

Tonight, you showed me that I always knew 

this painful truth, and the testimony laid before me.

I was tired of talking to your creation 

as they lied and hide what’s really inside by pride.

I’m prideful too and it has to die, because it’s not of you.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, to see who you bumped me to see this past Sunday. That was a pleasantly surprising encounter. Bumping into my former pastor I served under showed me I’m in a different head space, and he is in a different headspace too. He looks so much freer and happier. I’m really happy for him, and I pray for his growth in you God. Anoint the crown of his head to always walk in the sensitivity of your Holy Spirit. Secure his breastplate with faith and love. Protect his helmet of salvation. And keep him armored God. I pray for protection over his family, and let your will be done in their lives, on earth as it is in heaven. Whatever you’re calling me to be God I say yes. It’s your way God or no way.  

I was tired of playing dumb like a conundrum.

I was aware through my layers of prayers.

I avoided walking through this testimony, 

but you used my running for Your Glory God.

I’m sorry I ran. I’m no different from the one

you say is for me, which makes us three strands.

Running is saying no too. 

Was death attached to my selfishness hue?

I repent for my neglect and disrespect.

You say to trust you with all of this? I do.

You say he’s coming to me? I say yes & I do.

I’ll always defend & protect him with everything. 

You say he’s fighting for alignment? I lift my sword.

You say he’s my king, then I’m his queen.

You say he’s my ribcage, then I’m his rib.

You say we are three strands, then we’re a ministry.

You say this storyline is about redemption?

Then I say yes to compassion, love, & forgiveness.

You say to be still? 

Then I pray, 

I wait, 

& I survive,

I say yes to this all, because you equipped me

to conquer all pitfalls in this supernatural free-fall.

You’re calling me higher, then I say let’s go.

I say yes to this call Your Way not my way God.

Redemption is here not just for the man you say is mine, but for me and all the eyes that need redirection by your protection. Thank you for the security of your holy purity. Thank you for the humility in accountability. Thank you for the saturation in maturation. Thank you for the glowing in your growing. Thank you for the straight path to my called math. Keep preparing me for this next level. I say yes to it all. Thank you for teaching, and reaching me to breathe with ease in the space that’s full of grace. Thank you for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for my breastplate of faith and love. Thank you for my helmet of salvation. Thank you for my armor. Thank you for your safe wings Heavenly Father.

I love you King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy 

Clouds

I took this picture yesterday evening. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been deeply fascinated by the wonders of the earth. Clouds always fascinated me. I asked some teacher in elementary school how are clouds created, and what’s the purpose of them. I got the purpose answer, which I wasn’t satisfied with. Rain, is all I got. And I wanted more. So I went home and asked my dad, and he gave me a more stimulating answer, which I also wasn’t quite satisfied with either, but it was better. My father told me clouds are condensation through humidity that store water, and depending on the denseness of clouds, and level of humidity it will rain. 

My dad made me look up all the words I didn’t know he said, at first I never understood why my dad made me practice this habit. I thought it was annoying growing up, and I always gave him an attitude that he threw sass to or ignored. Now that I’m an adult I truly comprehend that my father was developing self sufficient practices in me. He was pushing me to my purpose and identity. My dad always used to tell me to find my neesh. I used to look at him like he was alien, and asked me what was that. And he said, “my father said it to me.” And I asked him so what does it mean? And he said, “he doesn’t know.” I asked him why didn’t he ask, and he said, “the culture in Trinidad,” which is where he is from, “is to listen to the words of your parents.” I was like, “what, and not challenge them? That’s unfortunate.” After that I moved on, and had to endure hearing finding your neesh growing up. Eventually I figured out how to tune out that statement. I do believe it means find your identity and purpose. Who knows what it really means though…cultures are created and don’t always have biblical blueprints from my experience as a human thus far.

When we aren’t in the will of God… 

We make silent & quiet sounds. 

God is a God that’s loud and proud,

but we follow the wrong clouds outloud.

We sneer for the wrong sounds:

It’s a misery of chaotic toxicity. 

It’s the land of sinking thinking quicksand.  

The pounds get loud in carnal crowds

of a mutant scrutiny collision division. 

Purpose is paused as His Cause

and we press play in the decay of yesterday. 

Looking back is a satanic attack of witchcraft. 

It’s the enemy’s key to talk sleepwalking blindly.

It’s never too late to participate & retaliate

in the call of conquering all pitfalls by giving our all.

I wanted to be plugged into the science world. Somehow some way there was too many things I liked, to figure out where exactly I wanted to be. I loved the idea of being a chemist, because the processes of mixtures and creations truly stimulate me. I’ve been writing to God most of my life. I vaguely remember writing in some kid journal that I wished I kept, but I wasn’t thinking long term of reflecting on little Crysta’s mindset. What I wrote as a child to God was, I don’t really know if I had a purpose to be in science other than not dealing with mean people, and having a healthy space to create. The more I wrote to God the more I realized that I wanted purpose above all else. It took my adulthood to own this truth, and accept the woman of God that I was created to be. This was all destined to be my journey and testimony. My hiccups were always going to be God’s setups. 

I also love photography, the idea of capturing a moment that can last forever is so beautiful to me. Clouds always captivated my heart due to the uniqueness of each cloud. It’s an algorithm to me, like our finger prints being divinely designed. Anything divine is God. God is the result of everything. To me everything is an algorithm. The Bible tells us that everything is used for the greater good according to those called for his purpose. (Romans 8:28) we are all called to embrace each purpose God has for all of us. Not everyone answers the call unfortunately. The Bible even prophesied the current challenging times of the world now. My heart was shaken about Philando Castile’s verdict. The man was murdered in front of his four year old daughter, in cold blood, and there are recordings. The murderer was found not guilty. I cried like a baby yesterday at church, which healed my deep rooted wounds ironically. 

she’s freed from the past.

the pain didn’t last.

facing the rewind of time 

was a healthy find for her mind.

it was a pleasant surprise to see 

her former pastor is now free and happy.

she can see God wants harmony. 

she obeys her King’s melody effortlessly. 

what her King wants 

is what her King gets.

she’s ready and steady to reconnect.

she’s ready for the sounds of Kingdom Clouds.

Philando Castile’s outcome isn’t a race thing anymore, this is a power thing. I was shaken as a black woman who walks on faith she’ll be married to her ribcage one day, and will be a mother to black sons and daughters. I was broken and shaken before stepping into my church yesterday. Of course, my senior pastor preached a healing and timely sermon. Then I was blessed to attend the Hillsong United album release concert for free. I wanted to leave after an encounter made me feel like I didn’t belong. Then God showed out by using Hillsong United to connect to me. God always shows me how much he loves me in every moment that I need that reminder. Yesterday was a day I desperately needed to be reminded how much God loves me. 

God has shown me that I am now okay with being sensitive. God had shown me I’m now okay with crying, because I see my tears free me. God has shown me to own my femininity proudly. I do God, because I know you God are the rock on which I stand on. (Psalms 18 & 23) You God are the only sound of Kingdom Clouds. So I fix my eyes on the Light of Jesus Christ. I continue to lift up my sword, and spark the dark to all that’s not right inside. I continue to do what Jesus died on the Cross of Calvary to ignite: the lost to no longer walk the cost of blind, and to to see supernaturally by being set free in unity as an entire humanity. I let go of what I know God. I’m finally ready to embrace the space of the unknown. I’m no longer feeding the throng of looking back in the disgrace space of all I know, that you freed me from. I own my freedom. Your Way is my only okay and Obey of Today.

I love you King.

Love your daughter.

tired

she loves the sun.

she sees the Cross of Calvary 

in the beautiful rays that make her Obey. 

she loves the sea,

because the sea makes her happy.

happiness is God’s peace to breathe with ease.


I took this picture as soon as the sun came out, earlier this afternoon. I really love people watching. There’s so much that happens in people watching. Yesterday, I was in Columbus circle not interested in people watching at the moment, but I needed to charge my phone. I went to a restroom that doesn’t get much traffic. Sometimes I need less traffic, and I like being by myself if I’m not with Jojo.* I think it’s safer to be by myself. After everything I’ve been through the last few years, especially the last three months, I’m weary to have people in my space outside of Jojo. My solution to not fully isolating myself is people watching.

leaping with God is not what she expected to be.

she knows nothing.

she controls nothing.

she cannot lean on her gifts.

all she has is God’s supernatural forward movements.

she’s moving moment to moment. 

People watching also feeds my nosiness, but most importantly it’s a space where I don’t have to feel emotions. I really don’t like feeling emotions. I don’t like facing how I feel at all. I don’t like talking. I don’t like a lot of things. I just want to be by myself in a bubble. But my bubbles keep getting popped by God, and it’s so annoying. God is annoying. I love God so much, and I know I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for God. Facing how I feel is hard. Facing what I’ve swallowed is hard. I swallowed a lot. There’s a lot I’m having a hard time with, and this unavoidable space of talking actually frees me. I finally admitted connections from last summer, that deeply affected me tonight when I was on the phone with Jojo. 

she doesn’t understand why it’s still about that man.

everything shouldn’t be about him.

he played god, and his facade caused delays.

his delays caused deaths because he said no.

our life is not our own. yeses blesses others.

he wanted gold, 

he said screw his soul, 

dead bodies are cold because he wasn’t bold. 

last summer many brothers died and he lied.

God has me in a moment to moment season, where I don’t know what is coming next. I really like knowing what’s going on, especially with those around me so I’m prepared. There’s a sense of preparation that I believe that I need. No one can come for me if I’m prepared. I won’t be blindsided. I’m tired of being blindsided. I won’t let that happen ever again. Today Philando Castile’s murderer got acquitted. I didn’t want to go back to that unhealthy space I was in last summer. I really tried not to be affected by this again. I’m tired of being affected. I’m tired of being tired.

money is the honey that made him act funny, 

and now God is telling me who’s the she 

that things are different and he’s free!?

I don’t know if I care. his lies were destructive. 

his lies changed my perspective. 

his lies made me weary and selective.

his lies increased my isolating beast.

his lies made me want to flee indefinitely.

his lies also made me run to Jesus Christ & fight.

so when God says he’s coming, I’m running.

how can that be? he played a dangerous game 

of Russian Roulette by tailspinning in sinning.

As a black woman with a black father, and black brothers this felt personal. And it took me back to the Bible. The Bible tells me my life isn’t my own. The Bible teaches me that my yes is attached to so many yeses behind me. What if I said no? Does that mean death is attached to that selfish decision? A death like Philando Castile? If life is attached to saying yes then does that mean death is attached to saying no? How many no’s are walking around on this planet with deaths attached to that decision? I’m tired of saying I’m angry about the injustice going on. Anger is blinding. I’m tired of crying over seeing senseless deaths. My tears bring no one back. When will it hurt enough for humanity to finally say yes to their purpose, instead of chasing the rat race ditch of popularity??? I’m tired of lies. I’m tired of lukewarm. I’m tired of shortcuts. I’m tired of acquitted murders. I’m tired of being tired. 

she meditates daily on her bible and prays.

she colors in her bible and sustains. 

she’s struggling with God’s dismantling ways. 

she’s happy to be removed from that man’s quicksand.

she doesn’t like how this all looks.

she’s not the author of this transforming book. 

God is writing away her old habits and decays.

she has no say and that’s not okay.

Of course God doesn’t agree with me knowing something to be prepared, which is what my current story: losing in my wrestle with God. That’s been my life since March 16, 2016. On that day, I *resigned* from a position I hated, because the founders created an unhealthy working space. As someone that loves kids, I found that to be such a disgrace. I loved my kids, but loving them wasn’t enough to keep my peace. I lost my peace. I needed to breathe with ease, and I stopped breathing in that job since the 2016 election. Plus, I knew Jojo and I were going to be pulled out. God showed me that some time in late 2015. I was waiting on the sidelines on how exactly it was going to look. I had to walk through it instead of knowing in advance. 

she’s tired of seeing jealousy.

she’s tired of people wanting to be around her.

they’re all wanting her space for the wrong reasons. 

that’s what her past experiences entailed. 

no one has pure intentions anymore. 

she’s tired of being on guard.

no one tells the truth anymore.

no one wants biblical love or unity.

this world is so cold, divided, and ugly.

she just wants to pray, and obey God.

she doesn’t have a choice but to let go 

of what she knows and lose all control.

I always wanted to live on the upper west side of Manhattan. I never thought I would be living there as an unemployed homeless woman in a shelter. April 17, 2017, my parents lost the space they called home for thirty years. Initially it was shocking, and I wasn’t feeling much, but I knew it hurt enough to not give up. I was on an adrenaline high. But the grace of God was walking with me all this time. I never knew I was capable of being the woman I am today. That’s all God. On one hand, I see the beautiful mysteries of God, and how he covers me. On the other hand I see injustice like Philando Castile, and I get so hurt that senseless deaths are being done. 

some of the darkest journeys 

lead to the brightest lights. 

the Light of Jesus Christ is the fight 

that he died on the Cross of Calvary, 

to truly set everyone free in unity faithfully.

biblically Emmanuel God with us 

sat with sinners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

did not stay with righteous winners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

operated as a triage on that Cross,

so the sting of death left & we are now blessed.

three days later Emmanuel rose greater, 

and alive because death was beaten in flesh.

I go to the Bible, because that’s the only blueprint that I trust regardless if I’m angry at God or not. Everything has a purpose, I truly see that with the Bible, so that means Philando Castile’s senseless death not only has a purpose, but this man that took his life getting acquitted has a purpose as well. Is it easy for me to say that as a Christian black woman? Of course not, but my best friend Jojo said some powerful sound words tonight, she said “We don’t know if this is the only way that pushes people to be on their knees crying out to God, as hard as this is for me to say this, but we don’t know if this is how God gets everyone’s attention. People are already changing, and going to God because of who’s currently in office. God is moving. And we don’t like how it looks.” She’s right I’m tired of things looking messy like the book of Exodus. 

I’m tired of feeling so hurt that blatant sin 

is occupying the minds stuck in rewinded time. 

I’m tired that repentance is an unwelcome acceptance. 

I’m tired of seeing what I thought I never would see:

this so called man is different and coming to me.

I’m tired of division.

I’m not tired of rising from my pitfalls.

I’m not tired of trusting God above all else.

God as hard as this is, I lay this all down. I give you my tired. I give you my tears. I give you my struggles. You never left me God. You never will leave me God. So I’ll claw my way to your Obey, even though this is so challenging to wrap my brain around. I would rather be tired safely in your wings than away from you God. This is hard for me, but I only trust you with my tired God. You’ll make a way Lord. You have it all. Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven God. 

Thank you King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy 

church

I love water.

I can’t swim.

Water makes me breathe with ease faithfully.

I love sounds of organic nature as I listen closely.

Musically, I feel free to connect to God’s Holy.

I fight in the Light of Jesus Christ.

I took this picture in the park today. I’m growing a deeper interest in capturing God’s artistry. God is the greatest artist ever. Today was an interesting day. I dreamt about my father last night. In the dream, my father was yelling uncomprehending words in a hallway. That wasn’t even the weirdest part of the dream. Someone I couldn’t see, kept sprinkling water on me. It was pissing me off. The water sprinkling on me reminded me of Catholic Church stuff growing up. I always had issues with Catholic Church stuff growing up. I always challenged the nuns and priests growing up, and I always got in trouble for wanting biblical answers instead of the manmade answers, I got growing up that never matched the Holy Bible. Catholic Church made me feel weird, like something was wrong with me to only trust biblically aligned counsel. 

There’s a lot not right in my life,

but I crawl through my pitfalls to give my all.

I don’t sniff the riffs, or whiffs of kool-aid and 

cheap lemonade, because I’m Jesus’ Renegade.

I don’t play in the decay’s of empty confetti

by my lies that made me die inside, through 

my misguided pride that multiplied strife nights.

Since I was a child I’ve struggled on what the biblical expectation on what exactly is church supposed to be, verses what’s present reality scenes. Biblically, we are the church and Jesus Christ died for the church: the body. That’s why I love communion so much, it’s a timely reminder of why the Cross of Calvary can set all of us free. In my dream instead of being angry at the shadow human I couldn’t see, who was sprinkling water on me, I started saying “Jesus is Lord,” over and over again. I didn’t get why I was saying that. I didn’t pray on the dream. I don’t really want to talk to you God right now. I thought the dream was stupid. I think a lot of things are stupid lately. I didn’t want to be in the dream. Whatever you God wanted me to see, or walk through I wasn’t interested. I’m over a lot. Shortly after my expressed disinterest I woke up. 

So I let go of what I know.

I’ll never look back where I’ll get attacks in satanic setbacks.

My setups are hues that make me feel blue,

but they’re biblical truth in supernatural proof.

I’m no longer stronger in my throng of aloof.

I refuse to stand in carnal flesh quicksand.

I’m tired of hearing about that man, 

who I see as scary hurtful quicksand.

I didn’t do any of my bible studies today. I’m usually annoyingly optimistic when I do my studies, verses sounding like the struggling brat I’m coming off as now when I don’t do my studies. I do see the correlation. God I’m open, hold me accountable to get over myself in this area too. Amen. This morning I called my dad and it was nice catching up with him. Since everything happened almost two months ago, and my life completely changed. I haven’t spoken to my parents (or brother) in about five weeks. I needed that distance, and I see that they did as well. 

He played god and did this to himself.

He delayed a lot in his selfish boycott.

I’m over this patience space, because 

he paused the cause of giving God his all.

He didn’t want to be called to conquer pitfalls.

So why am I being blocked because he stopped his clock?

How’s that fair to answer his layers of prayers?

What happened to rewarding obedience

not this allegiance to sinful splinting sinning?

He’s in a tailspin shaking in his faking making.

I don’t want to hear what you God say is here.

I’m cool with seeing he’s a tooled fool.

He conquered his gold and forgot his soul.

What he did has nothing to do with me?

You blessed me to flee completely from his toxicity.

I’m separated from the jeopardy in his leprosy.

I just want this job so I can kickoff my payoff.

I like my space the way it is. It’s safe and too late.

The isolation spirit really wants to chokehold me as a hostage in that suffocating bondage. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, since people are hard to deal with. I’m a person, and I’m hard to deal with. I’m a lot to myself. I get over myself every second of the day. I have no patience for myself. So I also get over God, and the rest of his creation too. I have little patience for God, or his creation too. I’m quick to walk away. This includes one of my favorite human’s: my bestie Jojo,* in fact we got into a really nasty fight today. Truths came out we were both avoiding, and sharpening happened that we weren’t interested in. Thank God for accountability, it sets both of us free faithfully.

Marriage became a savage in the barbarity of popularity.

I’ll stay single without the carnal flesh mingle.

I’m done with no fun in the sun.

I’m done with looking back to be zapped as salt.

I’m called to be the salt of the earth not dirt.

That man chose dirt that now hurts in no worth.

I’m no longer lost but found by love 

bound from Above as I sing in God’s Wings.

I refuse to let a man make me sting in wrong rings.

Stay over there in faux zen through that lion’s den.

I comprehend that money is your first honey.

Message received I believe, and got to flee from misery.

There’s no forgiveness in impatience.

I don’t know how to let go, and go with the flow.

Seeing my dad today showed me he’s also fighting to be healthy. This hardship is a blessing in disguise. I pray that next Monday is the start to my new life. Only you know God. I just say yes to whatever it is that you have next for me God. I let go of my patrol in my struggling control. It’s harder and harder to wrestle with you God. The rumbling in my tumbling is fumbling my space that you cleansed from disgrace. So show me and grow me from being hardheaded in the promptings you won’t stop being loud about. Despite my frustrations I have no hesitations to my supernatural allegiance to obedience. Your Way will always trump my way God.

I love you my King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy

peace

Dear Holy Trinity,

I took this picture yesterday, technically I took the pictures roughly six hours ago. I had to do some quick humanistic thinking. I wanted this picture so badly, but I had to remember my life and safety is equally as important. Cars won’t stop and say, “Oh Crysta is capturing a moment, let me focus on keeping her from being road kill.” Wouldn’t that be great if that were my world? If only….😝 

Don’t worry. I’m not that delusional anymore. 

My everything: King Jesus also known as Emmanuel God with us constantly checks me, through the Holy Spirit that dwells in me. I was once blind, but now I see faithfully. I walk in biblical intentionality to dwell under the safe wings of the Holy Trinity supernaturally and unapologetically. Jesus is my dude, and the only man I completely trust that will never steer me wrong. 

If Jesus tells me to jump I’ll do it. 

If Jesus tells me to go left I’ll do it.

Whatever Jesus tells me to do, I’ll do.

Jesus blessed me with light in my dark.

Jesus blessed me with life after death.

Jesus taught me to let go of what I know.

Jesus taught me to embrace grace.

Jesus taught me to face my shame.

Jesus taught me the security of protecting my purity intuitively.

Jesus taught me to see unapologetically supernaturally.

Jesus taught me to reject my carnal flesh. Flesh is a distressing mess of oppression.

Jesus taught me to be loud and proud in my choice in only listening to God’s Voice.

Jesus taught me how to be bold not cold.

Jesus taught me unity is for all humanity.

Jesus taught me that layers of prayers removes my gears of fears.

Jesus taught me mediation in the Bible is reflective dedication and supernatural liberation.

Jesus taught me my worth doesn’t hurt.

Jesus taught me my pain has godly gain.

Jesus rescued me from the slums of my sinning tailspins where I was sleepwalking in quicksand.

Jesus is my fresh oil.

Jesus is my Light to fight.

Jesus makes everything more than alright.

Jesus is my compass home under His Dome.

Jesus is my peace where I breathe in ease.

Jesus taught me what it means to be healthy.

Jesus has been my focus for the last three years, two months, and seven days since I’ve rededicated my life to the Light of Christ. I don’t trust people easily. There’s a lot I don’t say, and didn’t say at my old church because I didn’t trust people like that. Yes, I do have high discernment, but it was far deeper than that. It has more to do with my other supernatural gifts. I’m not sure if I will ever trust people easily in the future. I’m okay with that, but I’m open to the wreckage of Jesus over my life. Jesus gives me grace in my barbwire walls of protection for days. Jesus taught me through Jojo* my bestie that the right people will stick around. Jesus taught me that the wrong people will be removed, because they’re thankfully gone. Jesus is the reason I breathe with ease unapologetically in his peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

Jesus is showing me through my gift of writing that God gave me that I’m artsy, and I love to play with colors. I want to do so much. There’s an unquenchable thirst that won’t stop growing when it comes to my artsy love. I’m limited through my current season, which is annoying, but it’s maturing me so it can’t be that bad. Plus, Jesus is teaching me this patient word I’m not very fond of, because that word is so loaded. Humans, including myself abuse it. Abuse makes me see red. Seeing red isn’t being in love, so I go to my oxygen and my blueprint: The Holy Bible. Over the last three years, I’ve been intentional on going to the Bible when I throw a tantrum. One, I’m thirty-four, and two I’m not as young as I used to be. My energy is sacred, and my energy should be delegated with using wisdom. A hissy fit isn’t using wisdom. I’m trying. All I can do is try in my peace that surpasses all understanding. I don’t get this amazing space, but I’m not supposed to, because Jesus’ peace is supernatural. 

Love is supernatural. 

Unity is supernatural. 

All good things are supernatural. 

I’m learning that more and more as I continue to let go of all that I know, and free fall in the unknown. I have no idea what’s next, for a control freak like me that’s unheard of. Guess what? I’m not who I used to be. Jesus is changing me daily. It’s so excane. That’s exciting and insane at the same time. I like creating, especially words. I like being in a bubble in my head. In fact, yesterday afternoon I was in my coloring bubble and babies kept coming near me. Adorable and beautiful babies just kept coming to see what I was doing. I told Jojo, and she said “they picked up my peace, and they know I’m safe.” Amen. I’ll receive that. 

That experience also reminds me about two weeks ago, Jojo and I were sitting quietly coloring our bible journals, and this lady asked us both, “Are you always this peaceful?” I think you’re trying to tell me that I’m walking your example of supernatural peace God. Okay, I accept even though I know I’m a hot mess. I pay attention to your signs God. I love babies. I love nice people. I love honest people. I love people who walk in their purpose, not in blinding popularity of carnal flesh. All other areas I want to run and flee from. All other areas are hurtful and scary. That’s why I think it’s safest being in the bubbles of my head. People can be scary, and they can hurt you. But Jesus pops my bubbles everyday, and I’m like, “oh okay, guess we have to do that again today too.” I treat my bubbles popping as a new experience that I have no clue will happen. I do not like my bubbles popping. I don’t always agree with Jesus, but I will always obey. Jojo laughs at me all the time, and says I’m an exhibit she wants to study. She needs to look in the mirror. She’s no different. 

That saying is so true, “show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.” My circle is very small. My circle has Jojo and a few other gems, it’s just the way I like it. I’d like it to stay like that, but I don’t run my life. Jesus does, so we shall see what Jesus has next for me. Hopefully, Jesus will open this job door so I can do all the things I want to do. I have so many plans that I lay down at the throne for you God. I trust you with everything God. Your Way or no way. Checkmate. Life’s so excane, and it’s so great. Happy reading beautiful eyeballs. Love Crysta.

Thank you God.

Thank you King Jesus.

Thank you Holy Ghost.

Love your daughter, fighter, and lighter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy