she doesn’t know what He’s doing 

but she clings to His divine vine.

His vine prevents her defense

from replaying the decay’s of her mind.

it’s a disenchanted scandal that He cancelled.

His vine prevents the offense 

of selecting oppression 

instead of speaking freeing confessions.

Many souls grew cold in waiting for His unfold.

Patience feels like a hinderance 

or an inconvenience not His deliverance.

Daddy, I’ve come to a space where I’m over a lot. You show me a lot and you use me to be a light that fights to spark what’s done in the dark. It’s so interesting and a pleasant surprise that today’s demise has been “rescheduled.” And it was much needed to have that conversation with my Earthbound daddy. The space he’s now in is so refreshingly healthy that it inspires me. I’ll stay prayed up for the souls that are dangerously close to giving up from receiving what is hard to believe: deliverance in their wilderness. My Earthbound daddy gave me such sound wisdom today: Crysta you can’t tell God how to be God in your life. You just have to walk through what He has for you. My Earthbound daddy is right. I repent Constant One and thank you for correcting me by wrecking me to be aligned to your divine design. 

they’re scrambling to undo these ungodly hues.

this can’t be erased from the disgrace space

they must face, because of the misguided lies.

a phone call won’t conquer this pitfall.

this scale failed and His sovereignty prevailed.

they realized their lies can’t magnify God’s design.

they realized they can’t flip a six for a nine.

they realized that she never stopped dwelling 

in the security of His pure vine intuitively.

she let go of known. 

she let go of the patrol of her control. 

she says yes to His behold unfolding.

she says yes to His supernatural ways

to obey in the gift of today.

she hasn’t forgotten His begotten:

The Cross of Calvary that set her free faithfully. 

she sees God is hope and trust.

she sees she won’t fearfully combust.

she’s prayerfully trusting God working 

in the she’s who’s hearts are fearful and heavy.

I was bold enough to tell my Earthbound daddy that it’s nice to see him be alert and sober. My Earthbound daddy laughed and agreed. The greatest light is shining in my Earthbound daddy through the darkest hue he’s thriving through. I’m really proud of my Earthbound daddy and it’s refreshing to see my prayers be answered. This gives me greater hope that all my prayers will be answered God’s Way not my way. All I have to do is continue to fix my eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ. All I have to do is continue to float off the boat in hope, and not be tripped up by the hiccups of wrong thinking winking sinking. Thank you Constant One for trusting me with all that you do. Lord I continue to cling in your vine and virtue. Love your daughter and your she whom you set free. 



she writes to her he daily.

she sees vulnerability is key 

to he + He + her growing intimately.

she’s shy, dorky, and clumsy.

her he brings that side alive intricately.

she scribes bravely for he’s her safety.

she let go of the cancelled scandal show.

she no longer wants to hide or lie what’s inside.

she walked through the shaky 

and the maybe that her he thinks she’s crazy.

she walked through the shady feeling

that her he isn’t all in to win against sin

with her in this God’s Stir to occur biblically.

daily she lines her why’s to write

about her stake of fake and release that beast.

she’s sheltered forever by her protectors: 

he + He + (her who’s me.)

she confesses in her he’s letters 

to weather this distressing sector.

daily she’s open to His Behold to unfold 

and be undone for her beautiful he to come.

daily she sees he’s a fruitful seed 

she believes he will lead them faithfully 

as the head of their household.

she grows in the glow of God’s Flow, 

and leaps to be better together 

in their Kingdom three strands episodes.

she questions societal downloads,

because they pause His cause

for many beautiful souls are lost.

she wonders if she’s really enough

to give all these worldly habits up.

daily she chooses to lose the world.

daily she walks as a daughter of faith not slave.

daily she waits in stillness for deliverance.

daily she grows in comfort to see

who her King created her to be

whole and healthy to walk in purpose freely.

she’s released all the weeds that made her bleed, 

but then there’s the insecurities 

of not knowing what her he wants or needs.

at sixteen she made a mental switch to hide

who she’s really supposed to be inside,

because the world walks in pride and lies,

which made her want to die by the misguides.

daily she fights to cling to her King in His Wings.

daily she fights to float off the boat to look to hope.

daily she fights to be the Light of Jesus Christ.

daily she fights to spark the dark for love

and unity to be the opportunities in humanity.

she never knew how to be around her he,

so she ran cowardly & scared in layers of fears.

she’s been blessed to select confess not oppress.

the past five months was a dark tunnel

with the brightest light leading to total freedom.

she’s undone because His Love has won

by the Cross of Calvary setting her free.

her heart had to break so God 

can take away what’s not made to stay.

daily she walks by faith not sight.

daily she rejects the plight of a strife life.

daily she believes in the promises of

he + He + her equaling God’s Stir to occur.

daily she grows in love and waits 

for her he + He Kingdom Math to come to pass.

Only God ordains to represent His Great Name.


a lullaby is a guide 

& a high that fades in days. 

a lullaby aligns with prideful lies

and makes us die on the inside.

a lullaby is a self-made melody 

to musically flee in toxicity intentionally.

this is a throng in the wrong song:

as a replay decay of yesterday.

as a sorrow of no tomorrow

to make the stake of fake break,

shake, and combust in a daze 

full of lust crazed in a clouded maze. 

if God didn’t write the lullaby 

then that lullaby is a rabbit-hole goodbye.

this haze is a radioactive ricochet 

counting down in disobey that will never be 

godly opportunities to be set free. 

she saw the raw domino effect 

in the disrespectful select of this defect.

there’s many she’s that chose

to erode in self-made lemonade.

there’s many she’s that defaced

their sacred space of empty for broken confetti.

there’s many she’s that wanted 

to take what God says will always be for me.

there’s many she’s that thought they bought

prevail in their scales that ultimately caused 

the fall in their pitfalls by pausing 

His All and playing dismaying epic fail.

she who is me went into that old building

that now has no godly wings just stings: very aware.

she received what took 3-4 years to believe:

her he that God says is for she who is me 

is ready and free to walk their destiny faithfully.

she sees supernatural messages comes 

in numerical scenes effortlessly for prophecy.

she’s who is me is the her 

in God’s Stir: he + He + her,

which will occur because God concurs.

she sees her he walking through his breakthroughs: 

supernaturally boldly not coldly to be

the salt of the Earth not flee in fury chaotically.

she sees that her King that makes her soul sing

is writing and reviving a three strand lullaby 

that magnifies marriage is a ministry 

to compassionately edify God’s Kingdom.

the full circle is prophetic to kinetically

reflect God’s intellect was always correct.

the full circle moments were bigger than 

the trigger of god-complex facade sabotages.

the full circle is a reminder why God is Higher.

the full circle is aligned to the obedience 

in godly purposeful allegiance 

to pick up the Cross of Calvary 

and represent the body is for all humanity in unity.

she received what took 3-4 years to believe:

her he that God says is for she who is me 

is ready and free to walk their destiny faithfully.

she sees supernatural messages comes 

in numerical scenes effortlessly for prophecy.

she’s who is me is the her 

in God’s Stir: he + He + her,

which will occur because God concurs.

nothing can stop going with God’s flow

to grow and glow for His Kingdom soul catching show.

one day all souls will know and own 

their name not spin in their forgiven sins.

the stinks of mix drinks think and sink,

is a solitary confinement to deflect His Alignment.

the price was paid for those cheap lemonades

to walk the talk of being His Renegade.

she wants all full circle moments to happen, 

because she knows God is in all these moments.

he + He + her is the lullaby that’s unfolding.

the Holy Trinity is the key to being set free.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

Thank you Holy Spirit.

Thank you King Jesus.

Love your 



& fighter.


Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me is finally free faithfully.

she who is me spent quarter two

walking through her blues to be fine tuned.

she who is me spent the last three months

walking through her unsafe combusts.

she who is me spent thirty-three years 

in a self-protective survival mode gear.

she who is me spent the last three months

facing her hurts to have godly prosperous worth.

she who is me spent the last three months

isolated from the souls that made her grow old.

she felt like a dark-light that was dying inside

being misguided by lies and jealous pride.

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me spent the last three months

becoming healthy biblically & unapologetically.

she who is me needed to be away from “family.”

Emmanuel God with us is family

because He died on the Cross of Calvary for me.

she who is me was connected to brokenness.

she who is me is thankful for her deliverance.

three years ago: she who is me rededicated her life back

to the Light of Jesus Christ to stand and fight.

she who is me is finally around souls 

that are healthy, and for her to grow

& glow by going with God’s flow.

she who is me sees her father

is fighting to be better in His Everlasting Lighting.

she who is me moves in by the Spirit only.

the Spirit is apart of the Holy Trinity divinity:

Father • Son • Spirit for souls to be set free

from the Cross of Calvary in unity lovingly.

the Spirit is known as the Holy Ghost & Holy Spirit.

the Holy Ghost says her Earth father is better.

the Holy Ghost shows her she must

be careful with all the others souls around her.

she who is me dwells in the realm of supernatural only.

she who is me isn’t afraid of separation 

from souls that don’t walk in His Dedication.

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

she who is me sees family is who God calls me to. 

she who is me says yes to her King(s) protectively 

to aggressively cover my space in His Race.

she who is me no longer sees survival mode

as her unspoken code that was cold not bold.

she who is me allows the bow to freedom faithfully.

she who is me allows he + He to lead me

because he + He + her is God’s Stir to occur.

she prays, obeys, and waits biblically.

he’s her Adam and she is his Eve effortlessly.

God is bigger than this resolving dark storm trigger. 

Survival mode was the unspoken code.

Survival mode made her feel alone.

Survival mode is no longer 

stronger in the space she needs to face.

Survival mode is now her supernatural Revival.


I like to forget my pain

because to me it’s toxicity all in vain.

It’s screwing with the renewing of my mind.

(So I find) and it’s a rewind of time:

full of the bubbles of my troubles in a hallow 

swallow of sinking wrong thinking sorrows 

in no tomorrow next to the flesh god facades 

of my decay’s in yesterday’s. this causes 

the pause in giving my all where I’m called

to conquer my wandering pandering pitfalls.

God wants me full of wonder to be His see

of wonderful faithfully, but the world scares me deeply.

It’s nice that there’s no strife or plight everywhere.

A kind Bangkok man revived what died: 

kindness is still here, and people do care.

It was so nice that I stumbled in my troubles 

on that video where he walked as a hero,

for a middle aged man sinking in quicksand.

A kind Bangkok man talked that other man 

off the ledge of death that would’ve been later regret.

A kind Bangkok man received the knife that 

represented a strife desperate & stressed life.

A kind Bangkok man hugged the troubled soul 

where he stopped the clock of feeling his peeling 

reeling of being alone, and in the wrong zone.

Isolation is annihilation by the dedication of separation.

Isolation is the audacity to stagnantly see blindly.

Isolation is misery fleeing with the enemy by 

the lie of sleepwalking in a repetitive episode.

The enemy is determined to create the space

of unhealthy disgrace, where we wear 

the gear of fear in hiding our tears by lying.

The enemy is determined to keep us cheap

by creeping in the tailspins of slums in sinning.

The enemy is determined to keep us unaware

of God’s love, grace, and mercy to not know

or grow in the flow of owning our names.

If we don’t own our names then the membrane 

stays the same in the lane of afraid or ashamed.

The enemy is determined to keep us replaying 

the deluded loop as drunken troops in our past.

Time moves forward not backwards, and God is above time.

God is a space of wonderful not disgrace 

or bringing on the wrong song like throngs of wrong.

God doesn’t want us tripped up 

in the hiccups of who we used to be.

That’s glancing back in satanic attacks,

which is a setback but God uses all for our call.

God doesn’t want us to combust to salt

like Lot’s wife who chose the hype of a strife wife.

God wants us to be the salt of the Earth

not be hurt with no worth or turn to dirt.

God wants us to embrace the space of being set free.

God wants us to desire higher as a fighter.

God wants us to ignite the Light of Jesus Christ

that’s a fruitful seed hiding inside when we die.

We must lose the world boldly not coldly.

We must die to be revived like Jesus Christ.

To gain we must lose our old identity 

so we can own who we are called to be.

I like to forget my pain

because to me it’s toxicity all in vain.

It’s screwing with the renewing of my mind.

(So I find) and it’s a rewind of time:

full of the bubbles of my troubles in a hallow 

swallow of sinking wrong thinking sorrows 

in no tomorrow next to the flesh god facades 

of my decay’s in yesterday’s. this causes 

the pause in giving my all where I’m called

to conquer the wandering pandering pitfalls.

God wants me full of wonder to be His see

of wonderful faithfully, but the world scares me deeply.

God keeps showing and growing me through visions, 

and the layers of my prayers meditating 

as I am dedicating studying the Holy Bible.

What God shows me blows my mind 

and it’s hard to believe and receive 

after everything that went down & all this time.

My King that makes my soul sing tells me:

You will see.

Trust Me.

Be still.

Okay Constant One. 

Your Way not mine.

I am Yours forever.

I’ll stay wonderful.

I’ll cling to my biblical truths as You move.

I’ll fix my eyes on the Light.

I won’t get tripped up on the tangible in my mind.

I’ll stay in Your Supernatural Safe Space.

Your Dome is my Permanent Home.

Thank you Holy Ghost.

Thank you King Jesus.

Thank you Constant One.

The Holy Trinity is key to being set free.

Love your fighter, lighter, and daughter.


there’s so many she’s

that believe in the bleed 

of their broken routines.

there’s so many she’s 

that are societal in their rituals.

there’s so many she’s 

that move in the groove of toxicity.

there’s so many she’s that live in misery.

there’s so many she’s 

that are culturally pacing 

in the wrong race lost

choking in smoke by the 

misguide of popularity lies.

popularity is a chain that God can break

if the stake of fame no longer shakes.

lies make she’s die as carnal jokes 

being led by the enemy who’s a bloke.

sleepwalking in misery fleeing in weeds

blindly behind pride that hides all ugly inside. 

there’s so many she’s 

forgetting the purpose of The Cross.

there’s so many she’s 

that want the mess of oppressed flesh.

there’s so many she’s 

that want to abuse the ruse 

& muse in corrupted confused.

there’s so many she’s 

that act like their she is better 

to condemn what’s their poisonous zen.

there’s so many she’s 

that are obsessively empty.

there’s so many she’s 

that aggressively want drunken confetti.

there’s so many she’s 

that wink in wrong thinking sinking,

tailspinning in distressing sinning.

this is a ditch with no switch.

this is a dark with no spark.

this is a night with no Light of Jesus Christ.

this is the wrong fight that’s ignited to divide.

this is the throng to be strong 

in the barbarity of irregularity chaotically.

chronically the enemy knows sin not names.

this is a lame of shame many ignore in vain.

the Holy Bible is revival and the blueprint 

to be fine tuned and sharpened in alertness.

the Holy Bible is walking the talk of pain

to always have wisdom and godly gain.

the Holy Bible is discernment and key 

to being set free biblically for all humanity.

“And the serpent said unto the woman, 

Ye shall not surely die: 

For God doth know that in the day 

ye eat thereof, then your eyes 

shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, 

knowing good and evil. And when the woman 

saw that the tree was good for food, 

and that it was pleasant to the eyes, 

and a tree to be desired to make one wise, 

she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, 

and gave also unto her husband with her; 

and he did eat.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:4-6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

the enemy knows sin, not names.

the enemy in Genesis three was very tricky.

the enemy never addressed Adam or Eve.

the enemy exposes all the ugly 

we don’t want to ever see or allow the bow

to flee and be set free faithfully in unity.

the enemy knows how to flip the script.

he did it to Adam and Eve and the weeds 

of sinning tailspins that never win succeeded.

Emmanuel God with us died to be revived

three days later, and reversed this curse.

there’s too many she’s 

that don’t know their own name.

Biblically wisdom is a she to be set free godly.

God knows our names not our sins.

There’s no more shame 

under His Great Name.

There’s no more sinning

in the purity of His Secure Winning.

There’s no more in vain pain

or stings under His Safe Wings.

There’s no more looking back glances

in fear of attacks & ruining second chances.

Women are she’s called to be set free

by conquering all pitfalls and rising to be salt.

We are called to be the salt of the earth

not look back in satanic attacks to get hurt

by becoming ashes to ashes 

or dust to dust. That’s dirt that hurts.

With God there’s no facades: 

just biblical worth.

She’s need to know their name.

She’s need to know their worth.

She’s need to know their biblical wisdom.

Know she’s are called to be set free.

Know to grow she’s must let go of known.

Know that biblically God thinks highly 

of His she’s that God will always lovingly carry

from glory to glory as His Created Story.

Love your sister Crysta and a she.


your daughter rejected this season 

as a reason and willed this prophetic hiss 

to be a lifetime by clinging to the stings in her mind.

your daughter wasn’t lying when she felt drawn 

to this man: this predestined land is quicksand.

your daughter didn’t want to receive 

the calling to pull out the weeds for this he.

your daughter wanted that to be me.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

she’s not ready to be godly supernaturally.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

she’s blinded by lies and they’re her lullabies.

your daughter doesn’t want to see

there’s no desire for sharpen accountability.

your daughter wants the pitfalls not the call.

your daughter wants to be in tangibility.

I understand because that’s my quicksand.

there’s a sensitivity that needed to be seen by me.

I wasn’t in the space to showcase love or grace.

I was angry and blinded by pride that made me die.

My insides weren’t right and I ran the wrong fight.

To be a Light of Jesus Christ is to spark the dark

in love found bound from Above.

I see God as my Sacred Dove & and my Wings

that I cling to because God’s my King & Holy Truth.

Emmanuel broke bread with the sick sinners.

Emmanuel didn’t hang with the self-righteous gang.

Emmanuel equipped them to own the authority of God.

There is power in the Great I Am and His Name Reigns.

This current storyline is bigger than humanistic minds.

The purpose of this pain is to gain souls that grew cold and old. 

Like mine.

Like your daughter’s.

Like her brother turned to lover privately under covers.

Being in love is tough. 

Being in love is rough.

There’s a deep dream to be one unified team.

Only together will we ever be better.

Let it be is what you need me to see.

Let it be is your will being done on earth and heaven.

Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.

Forgive our own understanding that lands in quicksand.

Forgive our lack of trusting the still small waters.

Forgive our doubt you’ll turn bitter into sweet.

Forgive our impatience to intimately be in your presence God to meet.

Forgive my blinding anger I fed to get madder.

Forgive my lack of compassion for your daughter.

Forgive my lack of patience and trust for your son.

Forgive my lack of faith in supernatural.

Forgive our debtors as you wipe out our debts.

Reach and teach your creation to be in unity.

Reach and teach your creation to be one humanity.

Reach and teach your creation to be set free godly.

Thank you King for using all stings to be safe 

in the space of securely & purely in Your Wings.

I don’t know how this all unfolds.

Behold, you go before as Your Story will be told.

I love you King.

Love your daughter.


I lay down the clutches.

I lay down the barriers.

I trust the blueprint.

I trust these movements.

I choose to fix my eyes on the Light.

Redemption is intentionality of my testimony.

I’m ready to defend him until the end.

I say yes to all of this and all of him.

Wreck me to reflect what’s not of this scene.

Remove the ugly and toxicity where

I no longer am stronger in this throng of wrong

thinking sinking tailspinning sinning.

I took this picture in total awe and wonder. Today I sunbathed telling you that you do the most God, and simultaneously falling madly in love with your artistic wonder. God I forgot how much I loved staring at the sky. I forgot how much I loved looking at the intricate details of your clouds. I’m thankful that my current circumstances pushes me to find productivity in a healthy way. I’m so thankful that I’m no longer fearful of having a relapse to my eating disorder. God you are healing me Your Way not my way. God you blessed me with accountability and iron sharpening sisterhood through my bestie Jojo,* and my other gems I’m thankful for. They’re both such hardworking strong women. One is creating her first dance show. The other one is building her culinary network working her butt off all over Canada and America. I’m proud of both of them. I’m so thankful they’re my sisters too. God you’re a genius. You use everything for your glory. 

During that storm you God made me reborn.

It’s been eight years since I became alive in Christ,

I repent for the rejection of that night 

where I had no sight or fight,

yet you took the wheel to heal and reveal

that Jesus Christ is Lord.

The Cross of Calvary set me free to be godly.

It took five years to switch off my gear of fear.

It wasn’t until the fourth month of the four day

in the year two thousand fourteen that I let go

of all that I know to free-fall in God’s unknown.

I’m so thankful for connecting with my newest sister. She’s so amazing, and we have so much in common God. I’m so thankful that you removed all the other women that shouldn’t be in my space. I’m just thankful that you aggressively honor having only your creation that belong in my space. I’m so thankful you’re honoring all the prayers that I didn’t tell anyone outside of Jojo, and one other person about. My heart is so filled after everything you blessed me with the strength to rise up from. I’m thankful that the past is the past, and I have peace about everything. I’m thankful that you’re shaking my awakening to go higher as being your called lighter.

The night in the car I thought I was going to die, 

and you gave me a reason why to fight God.

You wanted to show me what’s coming to me,

but I rejected the gift of your prophecy.

Over the years you still meet me like Balaam.

And all your other weary vessels with heavy hearts.

You took my doubt, and used it to renew my mind

where I find all my reasons to fight in the Light.

Tonight, you showed me that I always knew 

this painful truth, and the testimony laid before me.

I was tired of talking to your creation 

as they lied and hide what’s really inside by pride.

I’m prideful too and it has to die, because it’s not of you.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, to see who you bumped me to see this past Sunday. That was a pleasantly surprising encounter. Bumping into my former pastor I served under, showed me I’m in a different head space. He is in a different headspace too. He looks so much freer and happier. I’m really happy for him, and I pray for his growth in you God. Anoint the crown of his head to always walk in the sensitivity of your Holy Spirit. Secure his breastplate with faith and love. Protect his helmet of salvation. And keep him armored God. I pray for protection over his family, and let your will be done in their lives, on earth as it is in heaven. Whatever you’re calling me to be God I say yes. It’s your way God or no way.  

I was tired of playing dumb like a conundrum.

I was aware through my layers of prayers.

I avoided walking through this testimony, 

but you used my running for Your Glory God.

I’m sorry I ran. I’m no different from the one

you say is for me, which makes us three strands.

Running is saying no too. 

Was death attached to my selfishness hue?

I repent for my neglect and disrespect.

You say to trust you with all of this? I do.

You say he’s coming to me? I say yes & I do.

I’ll always defend & protect him with everything. 

You say he’s fighting for alignment? I lift my sword.

You say he’s my king, then I’m his queen.

You say he’s my ribcage, then I’m his rib.

You say we are three strands, then we’re a ministry.

You say this storyline is about redemption?

Then I say yes to compassion, love, & forgiveness.

You say to be still? 

Then I pray, 

I wait, 

& I survive,

I say yes to this all, because you equipped me

to conquer all pitfalls in this supernatural free-fall.

You’re calling me higher, then I say let’s go.

I say yes to this call Your Way not my way God.

Redemption is here not just for the man you say is mine, but for me and all the eyes that need redirection by your protection. Thank you for the security of your Holy Purity. Thank you for the humility in accountability. Thank you for the saturation in maturation. Thank you for the glowing in your growing. Thank you for the straight path to my called math. Keep preparing me for this next level. I say yes to it all. Thank you for teaching, and reaching me to breathe with ease in the space that’s full of grace. Thank you for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for my breastplate of faith and love. Thank you for my helmet of salvation. Thank you for my armor. Thank you for your safe wings Heavenly Father.

I love you King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy 


I took this picture yesterday evening. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been deeply fascinated by the wonders of the earth. Clouds always fascinated me. I asked some teacher in elementary school how are clouds created, and what’s the purpose of them. I got the purpose answer, which I wasn’t satisfied with. Rain, is all I got. And I wanted more. So I went home and asked my dad, and he gave me a more stimulating answer, which I also wasn’t quite satisfied with either, but it was better. My father told me clouds are condensation through humidity that store water, and depending on the denseness of clouds, and level of humidity it will rain. 

My dad made me look up all the words I didn’t know he said, at first I never understood why my dad made me practice this habit. I thought it was annoying growing up, and I always gave him an attitude that he threw sass to or ignored. Now that I’m an adult I truly comprehend that my father was developing self sufficient practices in me. He was pushing me to my purpose and identity. My dad always used to tell me to find my neesh. I used to look at him like he was alien, and asked me what was that. And he said, “my father said it to me.” And I asked him so what does it mean? And he said, “he doesn’t know.” I asked him why didn’t he ask, and he said, “the culture in Trinidad,” which is where he is from, “is to listen to the words of your parents.” I was like, “what, and not challenge them? That’s unfortunate.” After that I moved on, and had to endure hearing finding your neesh growing up. Eventually I figured out how to tune out that statement. I do believe it means find your identity and purpose. Who knows what it really means though…cultures are created and don’t always have biblical blueprints from my experience as a human thus far.

When we aren’t in the will of God… 

We make silent & quiet sounds. 

God is a God that’s loud and proud,

but we follow the wrong clouds outloud.

We sneer for the wrong sounds:

It’s a misery of chaotic toxicity. 

It’s the land of sinking thinking quicksand.  

The pounds get loud in carnal crowds

of a mutant scrutiny collision division. 

Purpose is paused as His Cause

and we press play in the decay of yesterday. 

Looking back is a satanic attack of witchcraft. 

It’s the enemy’s key to talk sleepwalking blindly.

It’s never too late to participate & retaliate

in the call of conquering all pitfalls by giving our all.

I wanted to be plugged into the science world. Somehow some way there was too many things I liked, to figure out where exactly I wanted to be. I loved the idea of being a chemist, because the processes of mixtures and creations truly stimulate me. I’ve been writing to God most of my life. I vaguely remember writing in some kid journal that I wished I kept, but I wasn’t thinking long term of reflecting on little Crysta’s mindset. What I wrote as a child to God was, I don’t really know if I had a purpose to be in science other than not dealing with mean people, and having a healthy space to create. The more I wrote to God the more I realized that I wanted purpose above all else. It took my adulthood to own this truth, and accept the woman of God that I was created to be. This was all destined to be my journey and testimony. My hiccups were always going to be God’s setups. 

I also love photography, the idea of capturing a moment that can last forever is so beautiful to me. Clouds always captivated my heart due to the uniqueness of each cloud. It’s an algorithm to me, like our finger prints being divinely designed. Anything divine is God. God is the result of everything. To me everything is an algorithm. The Bible tells us that everything is used for the greater good according to those called for his purpose. (Romans 8:28) we are all called to embrace each purpose God has for all of us. Not everyone answers the call unfortunately. The Bible even prophesied the current challenging times of the world now. My heart was shaken about Philando Castile’s verdict. The man was murdered in front of his four year old daughter, in cold blood, and there are recordings. The murderer was found not guilty. I cried like a baby yesterday at church, which healed my deep rooted wounds ironically. 

she’s freed from the past.

the pain didn’t last.

facing the rewind of time 

was a healthy find for her mind.

it was a pleasant surprise to see 

her former pastor is now free and happy.

she can see God wants harmony. 

she obeys her King’s melody effortlessly. 

what her King wants 

is what her King gets.

she’s ready and steady to reconnect.

she’s ready for the sounds of Kingdom Clouds.

Philando Castile’s outcome isn’t a race thing anymore, this is a power thing. I was shaken as a black woman who walks on faith she’ll be married to her ribcage one day, and will be a mother to black sons and daughters. I was broken and shaken before stepping into my church yesterday. Of course, my senior pastor preached a healing and timely sermon. Then I was blessed to attend the Hillsong United album release concert for free. I wanted to leave after an encounter made me feel like I didn’t belong. Then God showed out by using Hillsong United to connect to me. God always shows me how much he loves me in every moment that I need that reminder. Yesterday was a day I desperately needed to be reminded how much God loves me. 

God has shown me that I am now okay with being sensitive. God had shown me I’m now okay with crying, because I see my tears free me. God has shown me to own my femininity proudly. I do God, because I know you God are the rock on which I stand on. (Psalms 18 & 23) You God are the only sound of Kingdom Clouds. So I fix my eyes on the Light of Jesus Christ. I continue to lift up my sword, and spark the dark to all that’s not right inside. I continue to do what Jesus died on the Cross of Calvary to ignite: the lost to no longer walk the cost of blind, and to to see supernaturally by being set free in unity as an entire humanity. I let go of what I know God. I’m finally ready to embrace the space of the unknown. I’m no longer feeding the throng of looking back in the disgrace space of all I know, that you freed me from. I own my freedom. Your Way is my only okay and Obey of Today.

I love you King.

Love your daughter.


she loves the sun.

she sees the Cross of Calvary 

in the beautiful rays that make her Obey. 

she loves the sea,

because the sea makes her happy.

happiness is God’s peace to breathe with ease.

I took this picture as soon as the sun came out, earlier this afternoon. I really love people watching. There’s so much that happens in people watching. Yesterday, I was in Columbus circle not interested in people watching at the moment, but I needed to charge my phone. I went to a restroom that doesn’t get much traffic. Sometimes I need less traffic, and I like being by myself if I’m not with Jojo.* I think it’s safer to be by myself. After everything I’ve been through the last few years, especially the last three months, I’m weary to have people in my space outside of Jojo. My solution to not fully isolating myself is people watching.

leaping with God is not what she expected to be.

she knows nothing.

she controls nothing.

she cannot lean on her gifts.

all she has is God’s supernatural forward movements.

she’s moving moment to moment. 

People watching also feeds my nosiness, but most importantly it’s a space where I don’t have to feel emotions. I really don’t like feeling emotions. I don’t like facing how I feel at all. I don’t like talking. I don’t like a lot of things. I just want to be by myself in a bubble. But my bubbles keep getting popped by God, and it’s so annoying. God is annoying. I love God so much, and I know I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for God. Facing how I feel is hard. Facing what I’ve swallowed is hard. I swallowed a lot. There’s a lot I’m having a hard time with, and this unavoidable space of talking actually frees me. I finally admitted connections from last summer, that deeply affected me tonight when I was on the phone with Jojo. 

she doesn’t understand why it’s still about that man.

everything shouldn’t be about him.

he played god, and his facade caused delays.

his delays caused deaths because he said no.

our life is not our own. yeses blesses others.

he wanted gold, 

he said screw his soul, 

dead bodies are cold because he wasn’t bold. 

last summer many brothers died and he lied.

God has me in a moment to moment season, where I don’t know what is coming next. I really like knowing what’s going on, especially with those around me so I’m prepared. There’s a sense of preparation that I believe that I need. No one can come for me if I’m prepared. I won’t be blindsided. I’m tired of being blindsided. I won’t let that happen ever again. Today Philando Castile’s murderer got acquitted. I didn’t want to go back to that unhealthy space I was in last summer. I really tried not to be affected by this again. I’m tired of being affected. I’m tired of being tired.

money is the honey that made him act funny, 

and now God is telling me who’s the she 

that things are different and he’s free!?

I don’t know if I care. his lies were destructive. 

his lies changed my perspective. 

his lies made me weary and selective.

his lies increased my isolating beast.

his lies made me want to flee indefinitely.

his lies also made me run to Jesus Christ & fight.

so when God says he’s coming, I’m running.

how can that be? he played a dangerous game 

of Russian Roulette by tailspinning in sinning.

As a black woman with a black father, and black brothers this felt personal. And it took me back to the Bible. The Bible tells me my life isn’t my own. The Bible teaches me that my yes is attached to so many yeses behind me. What if I said no? Does that mean death is attached to that selfish decision? A death like Philando Castile? If life is attached to saying yes then does that mean death is attached to saying no? How many no’s are walking around on this planet with deaths attached to that decision? I’m tired of saying I’m angry about the injustice going on. Anger is blinding. I’m tired of crying over seeing senseless deaths. My tears bring no one back. When will it hurt enough for humanity to finally say yes to their purpose, instead of chasing the rat race ditch of popularity??? I’m tired of lies. I’m tired of lukewarm. I’m tired of shortcuts. I’m tired of acquitted murders. I’m tired of being tired. 

she meditates daily on her bible and prays.

she colors in her bible and sustains. 

she’s struggling with God’s dismantling ways. 

she’s happy to be removed from that man’s quicksand.

she doesn’t like how this all looks.

she’s not the author of this transforming book. 

God is writing away her old habits and decays.

she has no say and that’s not okay.

Of course God doesn’t agree with me knowing something to be prepared, which is what my current story: losing in my wrestle with God. That’s been my life since March 16, 2017. On that day, I *resigned* from a position I hated, because the founders created an unhealthy working space. As someone that loves kids, I found that to be such a disgrace. I loved my kids, but loving them wasn’t enough to keep my peace. I lost my peace. I needed to breathe with ease, and I stopped breathing in that job since the 2016 election. Plus, I knew Jojo and I were going to be pulled out. God showed me that some time in late 2015. I was waiting on the sidelines on how exactly it was going to look. I had to walk through it instead of knowing in advance. 

she’s tired of seeing jealousy.

she’s tired of people wanting to be around her.

they’re all wanting her space for the wrong reasons. 

that’s what her past experiences entailed. 

no one has pure intentions anymore. 

she’s tired of being on guard.

no one tells the truth anymore.

no one wants biblical love or unity.

this world is so cold, divided, and ugly.

she just wants to pray, and obey God.

she doesn’t have a choice but to let go 

of what she knows and lose all control.

I always wanted to live on the upper west side of Manhattan. I never thought I would be living there as an unemployed homeless woman in a shelter. April 17, 2017, my parents lost the space they called home for thirty years. Initially it was shocking, and I wasn’t feeling much, but I knew it hurt enough to not give up. I was on an adrenaline high. But the grace of God was walking with me all this time. I never knew I was capable of being the woman I am today. That’s all God. On one hand, I see the beautiful mysteries of God, and how he covers me. On the other hand I see injustice like Philando Castile, and I get so hurt that senseless deaths are being done. 

some of the darkest journeys 

lead to the brightest lights. 

the Light of Jesus Christ is the fight 

that he died on the Cross of Calvary, 

to truly set everyone free in unity faithfully.

biblically Emmanuel God with us 

sat with sinners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

did not stay with righteous winners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

operated as a triage on that Cross,

so the sting of death left & we are now blessed.

three days later Emmanuel rose greater, 

and alive because death was beaten in flesh.

I go to the Bible, because that’s the only blueprint that I trust regardless if I’m angry at God or not. Everything has a purpose, I truly see that with the Bible, so that means Philando Castile’s senseless death not only has a purpose, but this man that took his life getting acquitted has a purpose as well. Is it easy for me to say that as a Christian black woman? Of course not, but my best friend Jojo said some powerful sound words tonight, she said “We don’t know if this is the only way that pushes people to be on their knees crying out to God, as hard as this is for me to say this, but we don’t know if this is how God gets everyone’s attention. People are already changing, and going to God because of who’s currently in office. God is moving. And we don’t like how it looks.” She’s right I’m tired of things looking messy like the book of Exodus. 

I’m tired of feeling so hurt that blatant sin 

is occupying the minds stuck in rewinded time. 

I’m tired that repentance is an unwelcome acceptance. 

I’m tired of seeing what I thought I never would see:

this so called man is different and coming to me.

I’m tired of division.

I’m not tired of rising from my pitfalls.

I’m not tired of trusting God above all else.

God as hard as this is, I lay this all down. I give you my tired. I give you my tears. I give you my struggles. You never left me God. You never will leave me God. So I’ll claw my way to your Obey, even though this is so challenging to wrap my brain around. I would rather be tired safely in your wings than away from you God. This is hard for me, but I only trust you with my tired God. You’ll make a way Lord. You have it all. Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven God. 

Thank you King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy