Stir

Dearest Dad,

This nauseous feeling is so intense God. Yesterday at work was brutal. Fighting to push through the nausea and lightheaded emotions I felt all day was so real. But I kept everything I felt as much as I could’ve remembered in prayer with you God. Fool me once not twice, I won’t get caught up again. And thank you for that blessing last Saturday at that Christian conference for educators. It was the refuel I desperately needed. 

This is a formation in Your Determination, to starve and carve my flesh god confess is a painful process of stress. How you’re pruning me is fine tuning me, but it’s a painful gain in my story for Your Glory. I’m in distress, and my kinetic poetic release is Your Prophetic please. In my midnight hour you always control the Power, because there is gain in your Great Name. In my self made pollution you God hold all the godly solutions. My restoration is Your Preparation.

Dad the world is in a very scary place, in this fiction of flesh, there’s division to press play on confess. The wrong swing still stings and your obey is not playing okay for your broken chosen God. There’s accountability in unity when we as a chosen, decide to no longer pause the cause of hiding, to allow the bow from our hallow swallow. It’s the delete of delay to press play flesh god prey, not pray to slay in the obey God’s Way. Press today in the okay of no longer stressing flesh god facade of the looping trooping mirage. It’s a self sabotage designed to be aligned in the play on lie and die of worldly sanitize. This deluded proof is a self alluded aloof, to make the pale scales prevail, and interrupt that pending ripped veil.  

I can’t sleep, I’m passed counting sheep, and my reaction in my lack of satisfaction, is to stick to my pressing play in bleep bleep bleep. That’s not okay to Your Obey. As my King that makes my soul sing, plays the say: The drumming in my heart is the reality of my dark. My missed mark is a spark light that plays by God and His Might. My Mighty King who takes my stakes and stings to channel day and press play on my soul to sing. My singing stings because it’s painful reels of peeling feelings. My silent salute is now being rejected from my okay to press play on moving on mute. In my choke to play evoke because you spoke God. This is a facade that you no longer allow me to play a flesh god. My continuum in this unavoidable conundrum is all apart of my actuate swing called Your Pendulum. 

I cannot believe my King is relieved that all is being released in His deliberate please. I don’t like to write because it sheds godly light on my patrol to control all that’s done at night. My everyday is a yesterday of today. All my walls are pressing play to fall. My no is God’s go. In this call, my King who makes my soul sing expects my all. My press play on denial in God’s loving files, where God never puts me on trail. In my bleed, my flesh god weeds no longer press play on barren seeds. Press play in His follow and eject my reject in hallow swallow. My lean in mean is an unrealistic glean to who God called me to be. What God shows me to see is for me to finally press play in the pull of full free.  

I’m the her with the stir that says no, but my King who makes my soul sing says this will be a go. His way, not my press eject to okay, not the he who presses on delay, because thy will be done thy kingdom come. For he + He + her, will be done. I see an incomplete sentence that would star two flesh god menaces, he sees a lack of tangibility that interrupts his facade of tranquility. he is the be that believes in the need to patrol in control. I see the same. We’re both stubborn and lame. The unfolding in pressing play on cheap lemonade, is showing my he how much he truly needs His Renegade. My mr. mean, lean and glean that features ms. 17 is looped in a minute mirage that’s outwardly displaying destructive sabotage. The wrong she is an expired be to never press play on flesh god facade. In actuality, my he’s reality is pressing play on the ruse of this regrettable muse he now eternally presses play on refuse. 

My he is in reject mode of that instinctive eternal neglect code, of this current self made projected emptiness. ms. 17 plays hide in the pride that is now slowly dying in all this lying. My he feels and wishes he can peel away and fade in the see of free. God is their problem, therefore flesh god is only playing an expired facade. Press eject to this prospect that was blessed by a godless flesh confess. This test was a self made protest that God presses reject. Man played go, God never said go. This season of reason is the seventh sign, to have both mr. mean, lean and glean, featuring the fracturing fading ms. 17 to press reject in confinement to press play in alignment to God Almighty. Then the pale scales they both permit to prevail will finally fail after pressing play in admit. Then they will be free, to see the commit in pressing play kinetic separately. Delay will no longer allocate this suffocate in this misery that will soon be history. They both will bow, and allow pressing the play of God in His obey, not yesterday, or later but today. There will be the end of that pretend in dying Groundhog Day. 

This wrong she that findeth he in mr. mean, lean and glean as the wrong strong throng, cannot press play in this fading today of yesterday. Their prideful hiding, will continue to die in the piling filing lies that neither of them can press play in this land of two strands lame. The truth in God’s proof is too strong to fight for press play in aloof. Rejecting day and playing night is no longer the stronger sight. The misconceptions of their misfits starring this hit it and quit it, will no longer be a hidden admittance. The broken weeds in these barren seeds, that both ms. 17 and mr. mean, lean and glean are being uplifted. Their unilateral press in their stressful play of pathological muted salutes, is no longer their unified tribute. Their increasing need for God’s Gills is synonymous with the increasing impossibility of their thirst to be still. What was done in the dark has a godly spark that’s shedding light in the nightly community that rallied behind this dying unity.

Their cheap thrill expired in the birthing spill of the play in die since the winter of January. The countdown of the destructive showdown began. Tick tock tick tock clocks are the stops that can no longer hide ms. 17’s shock. Playing dumb is the adjunction of keeping the wrong track in ms. 17’s silent attacks. Only God can do correct math. ms. 17 clings to this poisonous sting, is truly a mind flip trip ring. The red in this lead is dead. Their explosive pending combust is a deluded distrust that this wrong she fights to be, all this work to cling to the wrong jar births this sliding slippery tar. ms. 17’s fall is near. ms. 17’s fall is here. flesh god can no longer press play in worldly delay. God validates not man. Be free in His be, ms. 17 let that jar of tar go and stop saying no. The idols are being displayed in ms. 17’s dismay. 

Despite the protest God is taking over as the commander of this assessed profess. This truth cannot be avoided no matter what flesh god proof this wrong she chooses. Playing His Obey by their okay must happen in their pending today. The mysteries in this history can no longer be ignored. There’s no need for ms. 17 to be floored because flesh god is a facade. What God says goes. Take a bow out of this cancelled show. Only God chooses côtes. ms. 17’s hue is not true, for she is not blue. God is the Great I Am. Only God parts the Red Sea of impossible to I’m possible.

Destinies that are delayed will never be denials, they are trials and a series of hidden reason in painful seasons, that God allows to make every knee bow. The press play in disobey will never be okay. Especially this two strand land of sand, starring ms. 17 and mr. mean, lean and glean. Their pride will die because it no longer hides. Kinetically then separately is the next play to their pending day. The fight in night will no longer be the sight. These two throngs will no longer be the see of this flesh god unity, the aloof that’s clearly a suffocating facade; and leaning on a night community is not unity. flesh god cannot write a true love story. flesh god is a facade of lust that rots to poisonous dust, which is why they no longer can hide the pride of this unavoidable combust. Rapid wildfire radiating rust is the ashes to ashes and dust to dust in the think of this unavoidable sink. So let go in this cancelled show to accept the need to play kinetically separately. he + He + her is the only true love that God allows to stir. 

Love your daughter.

Advertisements

Renegade

God has just been speaking to me vividly, and lately in my dreams. I’ve always had this connection with my King, for as long as I could remember. In fact, I remember growing up, and exchanging dreams with my brother. He has vivid dreams too. One day my mom overheard some dream my brother and I had, that was similar and she interpreted the dream for us, and told us it was prophetic. My brother thought it was cool, but I just felt it got super weird. 

I became a rebellious renegade, and decided to lessen my speaking especially on my dreams. I didn’t realize until now, how that was a broken condition I birthed and it grew. Seeds will always grow its which seed we fertilized that truly needs to be discerned. Thank God, my King is using my hot mess into His edifying message. No wonder God placed several vessels in my path, and expressed to me that I’m going to write a book. I’m slowly seeing this truth, because I’ve been silent about so much that I’ve conditioned myself to forget, until God’s perfect timing, which is now. 

And now looking back, I see that was an example that I showed my younger brother, because he followed me. His natural excitement was eventually snuffed out, because I was afraid. We don’t even realize how trickling, our fears or actions exemplify until it’s too late. At least leaning on my own understanding all these years, it just felt like it was too late. 

But with God the impossible entities of our lives, are made new because He parts every situation to: I’m possible. God is the great I am. When we think it’s over, God hasn’t even started yet. That’s when our King, buckles us safely and prepares us for His I’m possible ride. With God all is possible. It’s in Matthew and in Luke. God knows we’re humans that need constant reminders. That’s why God is so lovingly repetitive through our blueprint called the bible. And our pendulum called life.

I suspect that my entire family is filled with vessels of prophetic dreamers. No wonder there’s so much drinking, and yes you know the rest of this sentence. Drinking doesn’t drown out God, or what we as His children are called to be. Drinking doesn’t drown out our gifts either. Neither does labeling ourselves.

I tried doing all of that too. It clearly didn’t work for me. I see with my spiritual eyes, it’s not working for my family I love so much either. My nieces are always telling me about their dreams, and we’re always discussing them, when we are together then we pray about them. I’m so excited that Jojo* and I will be hanging with my loves this weekend. Friday can’t come fast enough. Family is everything to me. Jojo is my family too. I’m glad she gets along with my family, and they see her as family too. That’s so important to me. The people I love and cherish have to get along. It hurts when it’s any other scenario. I’m tired of hurt. 

It’s so natural for me to be a rebellious renegade. I register nothing as face value. It just doesn’t work, or connect to my DNA make up. My cognitive wires filters everything that is channeled my way, and I reject [or dismiss] a lot. I always thought I was weird, or crazy because of this. I’m now anchored to God, so I know what I get is true. I’m not crazy, or weird, I’m what He tells me: I’m his child that sees truth. God created me this way, I’m now unapologetic, and bold in my existence as His pendulum. I swing His way all day, amen.

Both of these dreams I had were necessary messages God gave me. I’m in humbled awe, at how much my King trusts me. Like hotheaded moi? Por que? God is like oui oui it’s me. So I’m now on my amen I just say yes tip. Tuesday’s dream came after some serious emotional freedom. 

This is how Tuesday’s dream started: my ex tried coming in my space again to tell me that we belong together, and he’s the one but my entire being just rejected him. He’s not my ribcage, he never was and never will be. God picked my ribcage long before my existence, [or my ribcages existence.] It’ll always be my ‘he’ no matter what either of us do. I wasn’t afraid of my ex like I was before, and I was excited. This means I’m really not afraid in my dreams anymore. Or real life. I’m not afraid at all. This is a truth I was fighting God on for a while. That ugly grey Lego world dream I had last month, really broke the shackles of fear for me. Thank you God. 

So I was looking at my ex like he was a temporary bad joke, because he was, then Jojo came, and I was so happy. My ex disappeared. Then we were walking, and talking. We went outside, there was so much green, and gorgeous architecture surrounding us, it took my breath away. I’m so into architecture. I’ve been fascinated by the history of buildings since I was a kid. I vaguely remember running my mouth all the time to my dad, when we did our walks together, but he’s always reminding me how mouthy I am. My dad is such a blunt charmer saints. 

These buildings in the dream were just jaw dropping. And they were so tall. Before we knew it, we were at the roof of one of them. It’s unclear how we got up there for me, at first but after us praying and bible studying when I woke up, it became clear we floated up there. I didn’t register that, because that’s doing a lot. I’m selective with what I register, if it’s overwhelming to me. I think God is trying to get me to get over myself. Thank God He’s meeting me. I’m still reeling at His command, to even admit all of this. I’m so bothered by that. But it’s not about me, [or what bothers me,] it’s about my King, and what He needs from me, for His precious saints.

As Jojo and I were talking, I looked around. There was nothing but green, rich green trees and fruitfulness. It put a smile on my face. I was so happy. I didn’t want to wake up. Then four people came out of no where, two men and two women. When Jojo and I prayed over the dream, we got they represented God’s ordained will. Confirmed couples by God, not man or the brokenness of society by feeding the wrong seeds. But these four people looked dead on the inside, and completely hallow from their worldly swallow. 

What I picked up was them being tired of the seductive pull from the world. And they just wanted the emptiness to end. They jumped off the building. As they were falling, they were floating in an angelic way. And they fell flat on the ground like pancakes. Jojo and I were so high in the clouds, that my eyes became like eagles, so that I can see what happened to those four people. An image came to me that I didn’t see, until I found it on Instagram. I’ll attach the image below. To me those four people died from their flesh and were made new. Because Jesus’ blood casts away death and sin. That’s when I woke up. 

Last nights dream I don’t remember all of it, the enemy entered my dream again, and again I wasn’t afraid. This time I registered I wasn’t afraid in the dream. I was on my bed, but I knew I was in a dream. I suspected it wasn’t going to be a pleasant dream. I’m starting to connect dreams on my bed aren’t pleasant. I did not so pleasant things with my body on that bed, with my ex. I’m grateful when Jojo and I move, I’m taking nothing from this room. Except my clothes I love, and my shoes. Even that is debatable. We shall see. 

So there was pressure on my shoulders, and the attempt to sink me in my bed, but I cried out that Jesus is Lord, and that the Holy Spirit was welcomed here. It just shook off the pressure slightly. So I started singing Holy Spirit and my freedom became stronger. But then the entire room became filled with water. And I began to float. And I couldn’t breathe so God gave me gills. And I was breathing again. So I asked God what I had to do to make this end? And I said what needed to be said, which was I love my ribcage and I’m all in. I’m glad it is who it is. 

And that’s when I woke up, and called Jojo and we prayed. And God pressed it on my heart, to make this a blog post. The water represented cleansing of my room. Praise God. Thank you God for all that you do through me, and your trust, and your love that blesses me. Thank you for making me Your renegade. And thank you for walking with the rest of your beautiful saints out here on their pendulum swing. They will see in your perfect timing. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much y’all. So do I. Your sister Crysta. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Love

Love is such a complicated lifestyle. I say that God because as your children we’ve been rerouted from the breath of life you formulated us to instinctively have. It’s in Genesis. The serpent lured Eve to eat from the tree God specifically told her not to go to. The serpent was evil and can never ever meet Eve’s instinctive good so the serpent lured Eve to his level of corruption: temptation. God you have so much faith in us. It’s undeserving and mind blowing.

You tempt us to prepare us. Not to fall into the trap of sin that we all fall into, especially me. I’m currently fighting my stupid heart being turned ice cold, cursing again on and off and I have spurts of desires to punch people in the face and knock teeth out. My frustration is being fed incorrectly because I’m choosing to stay here. In anger which is a secondary emotion to pain.

When I can give you these emotions. You’ll always correct them and me. But I want to rebel because I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore I want to wander off and be stupid like Eve in the garden of Eden. Where the heck was Adam?! He’s supposed to always lead and protect because you made him first and she’s the rib. She was made second. From the rib that protects his heart.

Eve’s biggest role: protect Adams heart and our hearts always belongs to you first. But Adam didn’t die in self. He didn’t put her first by rising above and protecting her. He was stupider for feeding her idiosyncrasy; and listening to the evil serpent, causing all the innate fleshly, worldly, and corrupted desires every single child of yours faces on this planet now Abba.

Man mediating on the word always leaves me in my feelings, which I hate being in, but you seem to think that’s irrelevant lately. Carry on as you do Abba. It’s my oxygen. The bible is my oxygen. I haven’t been breathing it in as frequently and been holding my breath: huffing and puffing in defiance.

It’s my first love language: mediating in the bible. I really want to know it word for word in its entirety but that’s a life quest and I need to understand the message you’re relying to me before memorization can kick in. What’s so amazing about the greatest book ever is that my comprehension will shift as you promote me from glory to glory.

The air you blessed us with, then poured into us was designed to innately gravitate to you first and foremost always. To see you and cling to your existence only. In your presence is where we dwell. It’s synonymous to resetting the tear banks in my eyes so they won’t dry out. It’s as natural as the motion of inhaling and exhaling: we cannot do one without the other. Just like we cannot love you without faith. We cannot please you without faith.

We are wired to please you. And we fall into the trap of shifting our focus off of you even if it’s for a second, the temptation has already been set in motion. Nothing on this planet will fill that desire to please for more than a temporary season. It could be anything: pornography, sex, chasing titles and status in a career or personally, getting married because it’s “time, filling in a loneliness that only God can fill, because everyone else is doing it, because we already had sex so let’s not burn in hell;” whatever the full in the blank for you is. It doesn’t change it’s a temporary season if it’s not God-ordained. If God isn’t in the center it will never feel right. It’ll always feel off and it’ll always feed the deep desire to overcompensate. Speaking as someone that’s been blessed to survive that trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

That’s what I did with the two guys I was determined to marry for all the wrong reasons. The first guy, Edward* was because I thought I was better than the girl he was hung up on and did everything for him to “prove I was amazing” no, I’m amazing because God says so. That’s it. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. God is all the proof I need now. Edward* and I were friends first, which is a step you want your daughters to execute but with the son you choose not us. It was a competition because I didn’t even like him at first. Then I said to myself fine. I sized him up with the mentality: I’ll win she’ll lose. I catered to him like a wife but wasn’t. Lesson number one: Don’t act a role God never gave you or blessed you with. It will always fail. God removed him from my life. It took a few years but he’s gone. Thank you Abba.

That broken woman I used to be needed to die. I’m grateful she’s gone. He wasn’t a man of God. And I always knew you existed Abba. I get why it’s not him and never will be. He can’t protect me or my vertical. He was a man of the world. Materialistic and had money, was already established and I hated that but overlooked it because I thought he was different. Plus you made me a builder. You made me an encourager and I love doing that. I love being that person to push your children to be their best self. But I didn’t pray it out. I didn’t seek you with Edward*.

You also made me with an extreme logic and with that said, Anderson* was the polar opposite. I said good no problems. He wasn’t fiscally established so I saw him as a pet project. We were friends first too because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Like zilch but he was good with words. Words well put make me swoon and he figured that out; I never told him. I always knew he was going to use it against me, which is why I never told him. Masochist for the win. I’m still not sure how to this day maybe my actions but that season you used for your glory anyway. Thank you God.

Anderson* gave me a bible so that shocked me and tricked me at the same time. Totally got fooled and once again I didn’t seek you Abba. The bible to me automatically made me think we were going to get married. The wires in my cerebral circumference just went off to wedding bells. It took two years of being with him to make me see what a terrible place he was in. He never wanted to pray together and never wanted to read the bible together. I was so confused and didn’t know where to go, or who to go to. I became depressed again and suicidal again. Because he somehow convinced me loved meant isolation from people and sex. But only I was isolated not him. And it was opposite to the bible so I was all types of jacked up. I didn’t trust anything or anyone not even praying.

But Prayer is our fiduciary connection to faith. It pleases you lord. We cannot please you without these wires connecting. It’s impossible. I didn’t seek you God but you found me after I came out the hospital through Jojo* she’ll always be my rider because you used her to save me. She’s the reason I’m in Brooklyn Tabernacle but you’re the reason Abba that I know with conviction that you love me and have my best interest.

I was all about you and loving it and reading the word. Depression free and suicidal free. Until you showed me Harper* I dismissed him honestly because I couldn’t do this dark hole again. Not after Jesus. Not after feeling this amazing love I chased all my life in the wrong place: men. I know my identity is in Christ alone. I know with conviction I’m loved by the greatest man ever! So why show me Harper*?

Oh Lord oh lord… couldn’t I be in my sanctified bubble?? I wanted to be a brat and hold my breath until I got my way which is to just have Jesus and no temptation of a black hole.

I don’t want to be lead by an idiot that won’t step up and protect me from a serpents lies.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

It’s Jesus or the world not both.

Nothing can come with us on this planet so why cling to the things of the world?

I don’t want to be lead by a man that would rather control everything instead of trusting the greatest man ever, you Abba.

A godly man leads his godly woman vertical as they both continue to chase God and prepare for their holy matrimony to edify the kingdom first and foremost not have sex without guilt. There’s so much more to this union than sex like taking the scales off the eyes of your blinded children.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that doesn’t have you first God or treats you like a buffet of convenience.

I don’t want to love Jesus more than the man you have me for. That’s not how this works. That’s not what Ephesians 5 says. That’s not a 1 Corinthians 13 love. I won’t settle for anything less. You know this God. Because you’re pruning me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

That’s why I don’t understand this Harper* thing whatsoever. Isn’t a pair supposed to be evenly yoked?! Definitely not the case here. Such a loophole that has me tripped up and all you’re saying is trust you?? You didn’t take me out of those dark places to pair me with someone that’s not on fire for God. This man needs to be more radical than me. You didn’t block my suicides so I can be more on fire than the man you carved me for. So please hook your daughter up with clarity. I’ve been asking you for two years and you keep showing me everything I don’t want. That’s not what I prayed for.

Clearly my track record sucks God plus I told you I need five years of building my core before you showed me whatever guy you picked for me. Because people I admire in the church were single for three years before you showed them so I said no that’s not enough five years works. It’s a whole hand. Three years was a recurring theme and I wanted my own number to be just me and you. But it’s not just me and you and that pisses me off. I’m huffing and puffing Abba. Nehemiah got all his prayers answered so what about me!?

Inhaling oxygen without any release of carbon dioxide is not a part of how you wired us. The same tree you created to give us our oxygen to survive in this fallen world, is the same tree that needs us to survive. My oxygen is their carbon. We are a team. One can’t be without the other.

The way you scientifically created us is so fascinating and I still don’t get why you didn’t let me become a scientist. I wouldn’t be dealing with people and I’ll just be making this planet better scientifically. You know it’s so stimulating to my mind, that you created by the way, so hello to that desire being there and not being fed, it’s sitting with all the other ones you’re telling me no or not yet to. Absurd obedience Abba isn’t always fun, just saying.

Science should be a love language. I understand science. It should be my love language. Plus you know what a struggle it is for me to stay focus in where you have me plugged in currently. And people suck when they hurt me or worse hurt themselves. You’re making my stupid heart more sensitive and it hurts more to see your children hurt themselves. This is our rotational pattern Abba: I see and seek you. You show or confirm to me through discernment. I want to fix things then you stop me. And then I’m upset because you usually want me to do something I don’t want to do.

Why am I here again if I’m not helping your kingdom? Not here as in the planet…. It’s evident you win there. I’m here, I’m with you Abba but why am I in New York City? Why am I teaching at an urban charter middle school in downtown Brooklyn? Why do I volunteer where I do? How am I bettering your kingdom in these places??

I’m so frustrated!!!! Especially since you can plug me where I’ll really feel appreciated and fulfilling your purpose to spread the good news. Why can’t I go on a missions trip yet? Why’d you stop me from moving to Cape Verde at 24?! It was a good cause. Man you stop everything that’s why I’m just saying yes so that way my frustration doesn’t increase.

But it keeps increasing. So what am I doing wrong? Last nights sermon was amazing. Completely convicted me to start praying for Harper* again but then I got pissed off all over again and have yet to do it. He doesn’t want my prayers or me so why again is this happening? How’s it him exactly!? This is a bizarre testimony you have me walking through. It doesn’t make sense.

But at the time I walked through the Edward season that made complete sense to me. The overcompensation and that deep rooted unhappiness were ignored because “I fit with Edward* and I’m supposed to marry him.” You totally blocked that trip from happening at his family house in Trinidad. We were getting so close he was talking about us getting married. It was perfect in my mind.

I was going to get my ring that you stopped. I was mad at you for a long time but it’s a blessing and protection in disguise. Because you stopped it. I don’t know how I was so determined to ignore you. You still won. You blocked a lot when I was with Edward especially my attempt to have his kid because I knew you knew how we both felt about parenting. Looking back thank you for sparing an innocent child from entering the twisted brokenness.

Harper still doesn’t make sense, and I think you should just let this son of yours be it’s what he wants anyway. And I definitely don’t ever want to be in a dark place again. Or have broken worldly Crysta’s residue surfacing. That way I can be on fire in my sanctified bubble that you keep popping after I recreate them. It’s so much safer. But once again your desires trump my suggestions and feelings. Your will be done regardless how I feel. You love me as complicated as this looks and feels I know that you love me Abba. And I love you. I say yes to you God no matter what.

I have to just trust you won’t let me be lead by an idiot that would lead me to another black hole no matter how it looks or what I currently feel. I agree with that girl Abba. I would rather be single for the next 10 years than marry the wrong man.

This path called life is not easy Abba. Love is such a complicated lifestyle because of our past histories and genetic conditions we inherited that make it that way. It’s unfortunate because you are the embodiment of simplicity. And Everlasting life is the silver lining and hope that you blessed us to cling to. Thank you for that. Love you to infinity times infinity.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Ready

Dearest Abba,

You promoted my uncle today. He’s up in heaven right now no longer in pain or experiencing the cancerous poison that consumed him. Thank you God for chasing him relentlessly into a relationship with you. Thank you for giving him peace and joy throughout this entire experience he had here. I have never seen my late uncle not smiling or not joyful. Thank you for blessing not just me but my family with his presence and strength. What a legacy of examples you placed within all of us because of the vessel my uncle was.

You loaned him to us for a long time and we are indebted to you by your undeserving love-kindness. This isn’t goodbye because one day we’ll see him again. Until then we do what needs to be done here. You were ready to take him home. Earth is a pit stop not home. You are the author of life and the gracious giver of everlasting life. Thank you for ensuring my uncle had everlasting life. My heart is full even though I’m going to miss him and being around his peace and infectious joy.

I have a spirit of deep gratitude that he is no longer in pain. My uncles temporary stay expired and your will was to take him home because you were ready. Your understanding will never be associated with our understanding. Through these tears and dry heaving, you are a great God. You are so worthy to be praised and I adore you. I love you beyond comprehension Abba. I know I can come to you in any head space and at any time. You will always be ready for me regardless of how I feel or what I show.

I’m so thankful that you prepared us with how well my uncle accepted what was around the corner. His spirit of acceptance was enough to cover our fear and resentment towards his last few days on earth. Thank you God for blessing my mom with the ability to see who she saw as a father figure one last time before he passed. You really blessed me Abba to be raised around quite a few fantastic men.

Of course you are my first love Abba and my Heavenly Father. No one can ever take your place of priority or being first. Not even my future husband that you promised me. I always ponder and process how precious life is when you promote one of my family members to be in heaven. It’s a bullseye that slaps me right in the face. Life shouldn’t be wasted ever.

My uncle always made every moment count because he truly appreciated and valued life. He believed that everyone should understand the beauty and unique aspect of this path called life. Love. Loving one another. Loving God first and foremost. In that love of God: making our hearts full of kindness, peace, joy, hope, love and faith. You are love Abba. Writing these words gave me peace and you blessed me with a joy even though my uncle died today.

Nothing will take praising you out of my mouth. You are a beautiful mystical truth that I perfectly trust. Thank you for this amazing blessing. Thank you for being a great God. Thank you for always blessing me to yearn to always thank you. You continue to change me and make me new. It leaves me wide-eyed and in awe with wonder.

It is well within my soul because of you. You always keep me floating in the turbulence and I will never sink, thank you. Nothing is too big for you. That panic attack I experienced yesterday was a failed attempt to distract me with fears. I’m ready for everything that you have for me. I’m ready to choose you above all else as you teach me with discerning truth.

I’m ready for my future husband, I wasn’t before because of fear and the inability to have all the answers. That’s fear and control and not of you God. Because you made me Abba with a sound mind. I’m ready for him to enter my life as you lead him to lead us in your hearts content. I’m ready for you to give him whatever nudge he needs as I withhold nothing. I just say yes to what’s next.

To my future husband: if you ever stumble on these words know that I pray for your vertical and sound mind everyday. I pray that the enemy never distracts you for long time; and that you always always cling to discerning truth. That you lean on God and not your own understanding. That you embrace gods will for your life because it’s so much better than what you can ever desire. Our Abba is amazing for blessing me with the renewed mind to be open and ready for the pruning and growth needed for the edification and his will. His will includes you and me. Abba is pruning me to be the wife you need me to be. Know that losing my uncle today made the last drop of fear shed from my fearfully and wonderfully made frame. The sword is lifted fearlessly. Know that your past is covered and spotless by Abba. You are blameless to him and anything in your heart allow him to heal because he so desperately wants to. Know that satan is a liar that will try and play on your deepest buried insecurities. But God is bigger. Know that love holds no records of wrong and is patient. Love never fails. Love is forgiving. We will have a 1 Corinthians 13 love because of the pruning being done in both of us. You’re not perfect and neither am I so I patiently wait until you come to me so we can be perfectly imperfect together. Until then I’ll keep praying and loving you to where God needs you to be.

Love your rib.

Rest in peace Uncle B. I love you, until next time. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Dancing

Dearest Abba,

I love how you hit me with a supernatural bulls eye at work today. You connected the dot: my fueling frustrations to my desperate need to understand the unknown. Perfect trust in you is not trying to understand or figure anything out. That is actually quite the opposite and lacking trust in you. It’s basically saying to you, “Hey God, what you’re showing me makes no sense so it can’t be.” There’s an incomplete part to my vertical vantage point. That was unacceptable to you. You love me so much that you relentlessly pursued me until that dot was connected. Thank you Abba. Thank you for your unfailing and unchanging love for me.

Thank you for making waiting for that man that I’ll marry one day so much more worth the wait. You are showing me to expecting nothing less and I won’t let you down. It makes me enjoy dancing with you until you let that man cut in even more sacred. You are carving me to be the best woman of God not just to edify your kingdom but to be the wife my future husband needs me to be. I have unwavering faith you are doing the same in him. Perfect trust in your perfect timing. My future husband will love me just as Jesus loved the church. And I will completely submit to that love and nothing else because I’m your daughter. This is the standard you are grooming me to wait for. No bread crumbs. No in between ‘friends/talking/dating and let’s see.’ No nonsense. Thank you for sparing me.

For a long time I was hesitant in accepting this standard because it seemed “too high” but now I understand with conviction that I’m your daughter and you are the King. This makes me your precious princess worthy of the best. You have fearfully and wonderfully made me. I’m not crazy for holding my head high walking in the worth you blessed me with: validated by only you. Human beings can no longer break me with words or their actions because I am validated by the greatest artist ever. And I truly understand that you are in the business to constantly shape me for the better. Even when it looks like it is a breakdown it is truly a breakthrough designed to clear out the clutter and strengthen my intimacy with you.

The fueling frustrations have been an internal slow churn oozing it’s way to the surface for quite some time. Thank you for correcting my assumption that I was missing what you were saying. I simply was trying to control your deliverance for me and how it looks. Today’s church devotional really drove this point home. The father of faith verses the son of impatience that seeks the tangible. I love Genesis. It’s one of my favorite books in the bible. It’s the beginning there’s just something really beautiful about seeing the creation of life out of ashes and how it all works together your way. I mean there’s no part of the blueprint of life aka the bible that I don’t love. But I really love Genesis.

I sometimes drift off and meditate on this journey to this exact moment Abba. How you orchestrated me coming to The Brooklyn Tabernacle. Before coming and being completely involved in my home-base, as you know I was apart of that cool Harlem church. However, dots weren’t connected in the sense of truly understanding that this beautiful walk is a relationship that takes consistent surrender. It’s not a sometimes I’ll go to a building that so many of us fall into the trap of calling it church when we the body are the church. We are the only Jesus a lot of your beautiful children here on this Earth see so we have to make the most out of those precious moments. Thank you for your grace and patience to prune us whether we like it or not.

With that said, I totally tried you by trying to avoid the signs that this is exactly where you wanted me. I even tried to get Jojo to check out the Harlem church so she could join it with me but of course you shot that down. Totally nothing wrong with that church in Harlem but that’s not where I encountered you and you knew I would only do that where I am now. You used Jojo to introduce our church to me and she wasn’t even familiar with it. She heard it was a ‘cool place with good music’ and I like music so I saw no harm. Besides she was incredibly way too chipper for a ‘church goer’ so my curiosity was peaked. Little did I know that was the beginning of the rest of my life. You knew we’d surrender our lives to you the same day (4.4.14,) get baptized the same day (6.1.14) and just embrace the radical changes you did within both of us. That you continue to do in both of us. Praise your Holy Name. It is a moment to moment stretching process we were excited to experience then and say yes now because we stopped being those worldly lost sheep. Our shepherd found us. And we keep drawing closer to you. What a gift that’s so cherished.

I stopped being paralyzed by the words of guys and seeking validation in them. You corrected the distorted belief that sex needed to occur so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m not alone and my purity is everything. Love over lust. Because you’re love, not lust and love waits. It’s slow to anger and it doesn’t hold grudges. Love always prevails. Love forgives and love is understanding. I’m waiting God. I’m waiting as you work in both my future spouse and myself. Thank you God for making my journey your testimony. Thank you for using my shortcomings for your glory. I say yes to being your intercessor and showing your other beautiful daughters that there is no need to compromise your beliefs for the fear of being alone. We are not alone. You go before us. You hold our right hand tightly. And Jojo is living proof that obedience is so beautiful. Keep pruning us Lord, we say yes. The sword is lifted.

I truly enjoy seeing my beautiful sisters grow in Christ and go harder for you. But I love to see even more the moment where they realize how beautiful they truly are and always were. You blessed me with the gift of encouragement. I’m humbled I get to put a smile on your children’s faces by reminding them that they are amazing and can do all things through Christ. You just want us dancing as you lead us and you blow our minds reminding us that you are God.

Like tonight in Starbucks… you’re probably going to have me write a book someday. I say yes. This woman had to be an angel so let’s call her Angel*. She just sat next to me and had me dying of laughter like I was crying. She was like oh you’re Christian yeah you look it. Of course I laughed again because I didn’t realize followers of Christ had a look but I receive it. As long as Jesus is seen and not me then I’m on the right track. She just blessed me with her presence but what really blew my mind was her prophesying in Jojo’s life when Jojo and Naomi came. Naomi and I mouths just dropped and we were speechless. Angel knew Jojo for literally sixty seconds and started prophesying everything she’s been hearing and going through the last few months. I so badly wanted to ask her about me but you wouldn’t let me God. It’s interesting that Angel doesn’t realize she’s a vessel for you God when she says she’s not a believer of Jesus yet doing his work. I lift up her sister to you God, you know what she’s battling and you know her name. In faith you will turn it around because you answer and hear prayers. Beautiful eyeballs that are reading these words, please pray for her too. God hears all prayers. I pray Angel comes to church this Sunday. Make her. Amen.

When Angel left Starbucks Jojo, Naomi and I were just talking about how special she is and how much more work she can do for the kingdom of God. Jojo of course was super silly and said she’ll be beamed up like she’s a modern day Enoch because she’s an angel. I say she’s a vessel and will come to The Tab. It’s always your perfect timing. And it makes the experience even more memorable. As your children we always have to be open that’s so crucial and we’ll only be open truly is by drawing even closer to you. To keep dancing with you. When I was 17 years old you position a vessel of yours, who looked like a stranger to me at the time due to my perspective, to cross my path. This vessel was used to speak about the season I’m now experiencing. He told me I’ll be an educator and I looked at him as if he grew an extra arm. I also told him that I didn’t want to be a teacher because they didn’t make money. Then I spent the next decade plus avoiding this calling; however that didn’t stop you Abba, you used my defiance for your glory. As you always do. I was never in control when you allowed me to work in the legal, sales or fashion world. I so thought I had this. And you allowed me to live in that delusion. You did however, bless me with so many skill sets from all of these industries that I now use in education. You’ve also showed me that being an educator doesn’t necessarily mean staying under the title of teacher. You’ve also put blueprints of amazing businesses on my heart that you will see fulfilled in your perfect timing as I sit in perfect trust.

I’m truly humbled and honored you’ve entrusted me to educate the generation of tomorrow. I love teaching. I love learning as I teach them and I love love love that every child can succeed and be taught. Knowledge is power. That’s almost as consistent as your unfailing love… almost. My heart is filled with gratitude praising your Holy Name for reinforcing the fact that whatever direction you lead me to I’ll be blessed because you go before me and you’re right beside me. I pick up my feet from the ground and glide on yours as you lead me in this dance. I’m done trying to control how the unknown looks. I receive and accept the blessings that are around the corner. I say yes to everything. I’m no longer holding a fearful heart that felt unworthy because I am chosen by you. You choosing me makes me worthy. Keep blowing my mind supernaturally as we keep dancing together. Let’s go and do this mind blowing edification your way, not my way. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Love your daughter.

*Names mentioned have been changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Gwendolyn Elaine…

This weekend was emotionally rough for not just myself but for my entire family. We said goodbye to the matriarch of our clan and my grandmother Gwendolyn Elaine. Normally, I’d change names for protection of identities but my grandmother had such beautiful names I can’t fathom switching them whatsoever so I won’t. This past weekend was all about her beautiful memory. I know spiritually and mentally she’s in paradise living it up, free and no longer in the pain. I’m grateful the suffering she experienced the last few months of her Earth life is now over. However, emotionally this sucks and I want her back.

It was gut wrenching seeing her in so much pain when I went to visit her. My mother, father, brother, sister and I went to see her a few days before she passed away. We got to say goodbye to her and my heart aches for my three cousins and aunt that didn’t get that same opportunity on one hand; on another they were spared seeing the warrior rock we knew as Gwendolyn Elaine. Truly, it wasn’t just her direct descendants that loved her or were close to her. The entire family held her in high regard and adored her. She was dainty and tough, which baffles me because it sounds like an oxymoron but my grandmother pulled this task off brilliantly. She radiated such class you wish you could bottle it up. I know I did. I’m not just saying that because she was my grandmother. I’m saying it because anyone that knew her described Gwendolyn Elaine as class if she had to be categorized by one word. Apparently she was quite the popular one in Guyana back in the day, which I learned over the weekend. It was wonderful hearing new things about this amazing woman that’s responsible for the existence of 11 direct descendants.

Although we knew that things weren’t looking great since late December of last year, I still emotionally on some small level thought: “I’d handle her death pretty okay because she lived a long life….or a miracle will happen she’ll out live us all.”  Delusion R Us right? Yes, I know. I completely fell apart at her funeral. Even writing out this blog right now, I am falling apart. I miss her so much. I never knew I could cry this much. And I hate crying. I think it sucks. I avoid it at all costs. At least I used to. It makes me believe that God is wrestling with me in this area so that I can no longer hide this side of me. My entire family saw me ball like a baby at my grandmother’s funeral to the point where my awesome cousins stopped me from collapsing. For the longest I thought crying was done privately, mourning was done privately. Or you can ‘prepare’ for death. God had other plans. One of my cousins came up to me and said she’s never seen me cry. That’s very telling. I don’t have the greatest history when it comes to crying. But that’s a post for another day. This is a dedication of my late beautiful grandmother.

Gwendolyn Elaine was the irreplaceable anchor in this family. Everyone went to her for ANYTHING and everything and she always made it happen: No matter what. Everything was always going to be okay if she said it would be. She’s ‘grangergreen’ an awesome nickname my brother came up with at 3 that just stuck around and our cousin added she smelled like tangerines. SO many awesome stories were discussed this weekend between the six grandchildren. And being around the rest of our family was just so beautiful and priceless. I want more. I’m greedy for more moments like this weekend.

Gwendolyn Elaine was a joyful, God fearing woman who thought family was never to be taken for granted. A woman who taught her girls to walk with their head held high with purpose and confidence no matter what. A woman who taught us that NOTHING separated people here on Earth. Because it didn’t matter what social class you were part of or what was the color of your skin; it also didn’t matter what your spiritual belief was and how your fiscal situation looked like. This amazing woman taught us you belong no matter what because we’re all God’s children. None of those materialistic things separated us. These were some of the amazing life lessons echoed in the eulogy that my sister read. She did such a fantastic job. My heart swelled with pride because our family was reunited and there for one another.

That eulogy forever changed my trajectory. My sister was raised with our grandmother. A blessing to be near this incredible woman on a daily basis and absorb such valuable lessons. My sister was saying good bye to the only constant daily guardian in her life. I didn’t even know all of the amazing things about our grandmother before that eulogy. Makes me want her back even more so I can know that amazing side on a personal level too. Or the fact that she was this brilliant seamstress that made the wedding dresses for a chunk of our family members from scratch. Emotionally I feel robbed I didn’t get to know her everyday like my sister did. But that seems wrong and selfish on an intellectual and mental level.

On this walk, there is one constant lesson that I continue to learn: nothing is an accident. My sister being raised by my grandmother was all apart of God’s grand design. Gwendolyn Elaine was the type of woman that thrived and was motivated by being a caretaker. It made her a better human. There was nothing my mom or aunt wanted for back in Guyana and when they were old enough, married with additional kids, they went their separate ways. My grandmother even took care of her siblings and their kids. My aunt and her clan moved to Canada and we’re here in New York. Back in Guyana everyone lived in a two family house and/or across the street. When the footprints left Guyana the unity disappeared into dust. The stories I hear about the days in Guyana makes my heart contemplate what it would’ve been like if those patterns and habits were carried here in New York, or where ever. As long as we were all together. Being at my sister’s house this weekend and just enjoying all my cousins, aunts and uncles was truly a gift. I’m convinced my grandmother was smiling down at us. The fact that we were inspired to start the steps of another family reunion is just my proof that we truly honored her name and memory.

We were truly blessed to have Gwendolyn Elaine for the 90 years we did have her. We may be mourning her physically and it hurts like heck but she’s with us always in spirit as a guardian angel. No one can cook chowmein quite like Gwendolyn Elaine. In fact, she made anything taste heavenly, I used to stare at her in the kitchen as a kid. I asked her will I ever cook as amazing as her and she told me, “Crysie, I didn’t become an amazing cook until after I got married so you have plenty of time.” Well, my beautiful grandmother, I’m holding you to that promise and counting on your guidance when the time comes. January 21st will not only be a celebration of my birth but also the day I gained you as a guardian angel my precious Granny. Until we see you again. Love you forever and always. Thank you for reading beautiful people. DO me a favor, go hug and kiss your grandmother and tell her you love her, thanks. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Acceptance…

Dear God, Thank you so much just for the ability to breathe. The small blessings us flawed homosapiens forget to thank you for because we’re too caught up wallowing in the ocean of our feelings. You breathe oxygen into our lungs when you do not have to. Jesus’ sacrifice alone is a debt we’ll never ever be able to repay so the audacity to get caught up in temporary trivial circumstances when the gift of life is something we do not deserve, is truly baffling. Abba, we’re #craycray yet you still love us!! We’re beyond blessed and so unworthy!

Last night souls had life spoken into them at #392FultonStreet at the second installment of #MVMNTbk #memyselfieandi series. Our Pastor was on fire. The Holy Spirit was so active in that sanctuary. The worship was so on point. It felt like falling in love with #MVMNTbk all over again. To see so many souls jumping around celebrating the presence of God was a priceless moment captured in time forever. I felt all giddy on the inside because as a musicology lover all was right in my world.

I was also on worship cloud winning because I had my membership interview last night for Brooklyn Tabernacle and I’m officially a member. 🙂 It felt so amazing to just go on a rambling tangent of how much God blesses and it’s all about going lower. I could’ve talked forever to the Deacon because he was laughing and smiling at my dorkiness. #TeamDorkFOREVER but he reminded me that other people were waiting to be interviewed and then I remembered MVMNT was happening!!! SO I ran downstairs so I wouldn’t miss out on too much action and get fed some life from our Young Adult Pastor. MAN, did he go IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!! The ultimate message was understanding how the enemy distorts the identity that God harvests us to have; and the sons and daughters he calls us to be to glorify his kingdom. Here’s a recap of the 4 pointers and how I reacted to the life feeding message:

1. God does not want us to be paralyzed by the opinion of others! That’s having our eyes fixated on the visible found in the horizontal. The horizontal is a realm of several seductions. #Money #Status #Wardrobes #Toys4Boys (like their cars and other tech mumbo jumbo) the list goes on in the materialistic world. Getting tripped up here allows the enemy to attack us. The same way we all have unique fingerprints we all are uniquely made. God did that on

    PURPOSE!

He took his T I M E to genetically make us up in our individual human forms. That’s how much he loves us. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew what he was doing making you. Yes, you the eyeballs that are reading right now. NEVER forget that. I took forever to understand that my validation is only from God. Now I live solely for his glory and my eyes are fixed on the vertical as I have eagle eye tunnel vision on this vantage point. I’m humbled and honored that God had so much faith in flawed messed up me that I’d finally look up.

2. Past hurts and pains suspends us from living in the lane of forgiveness and freedom!! God is not a God of disorder and confusion. God is love. That’s it. Will we have our moments of reflection and get caught up being alllllllllllllllllllll up in our feelings? Duh, of course we will. Does God know that? Duh, part two of course he does. I sometimes forget that God knows us better than we will ever EVER know ourselves. God does NOT just want our praises he wants our struggles as well. God is greedy he wants to be all up in the business. He wants an intimacy with us. He patiently waits for us to have that mental recognition click. God is the only being that takes us as we are: flawed sinners and loves us enough to wrestle and wreck us into polished soldiers for his kingdom. How amazing is that?! This fact makes my world go round and round and round.

3. The founding father of the compare game is media and culture. We all fall into this trap all to much. I don’t have this like that person… If I had more money like so and so I’d have what they have too… hmmm, how many people liked the picture I posted two seconds ago…? blah blah. This list is endless. How about we stop ignoring the signs God is trying to convey to us to be still so that he can teach us why we’re in the specific season

HE

has us in? Am I always aware of God’s signs? No, I’m not. Am I always still? Honestly, being still is very challenging for me. I have a very short attention span and sometimes I feel like I have ants in my pants. When I attempt to be still I don’t even know if I’m doing it correctly. Not doing something correctly used to bother Worldly Crysta. To her, she sucked at something because she lived in a lane with the trajectory that life is either winning or losing. It wasn’t an option to her to lose. Walk with Christ Crysta, has a different mindset. She understands that not everything is a competition. Even as an avid game player and game lover, she still understands games are games. My love for games stems from childhood growing up playing games with my brother and my mom. We used to go IN! My sister and my dad never cared for them; oh well… they missed out!!! I’m thankful that God has taught me that not everything is a competitive race and definitely not a comparison game. The media is glamorized. Glamor is always fluffed. Humans are perfectly imperfect which leaves no room for fluffing. Besides, stuffed animals are in the realm of fluffy mcfluff not homosapiens who feel and bleed.

4. CONDEMNATION…of our own minds, of others pointing an outward finger and of others always having something wrong with them. When our Pastor vocalized that last one I blurted out RIGHT!!!… then I quickly covered my mouth. I’m loud. Through God, I have a loud personality, voice and presence. God has been teaching me through his amazing grace to be in the spirit of acceptance that less is more. Just because my voice projects doesn’t mean it always has to be vocalized. Just because God has blessed me with a commanding presence doesn’t mean I’m supposed to always be noticed. This made me really uncomfortable for a very long time… then #middlechildsyndrome kicked in and there was a necessity to be

seen.

Surrendering to Jesus meant picking up the cross and dying in self. Now I live for him and him alone. Any quality that is possessed within is to only Glorify the Kingdom of God not me. I understand this #fact but more importantly I’m in the spirit of acceptance of this honorary task. Acceptance resumes the enemy’s suspension on your destiny with God. Don’t be on pause anymore. #PressPlay #Play4God

I was too DONE with life in an EXTRAordinary way after this message was completed. The presence of God was so massive last night it felt like the excitement of Christmas morning!! My favorite celebration ever!!! Yesterday, was definitely one of the greater moments of 2014. My spirits definitely needed that gift of uplifting because my grandmother’s health is ailing unfortunately.

This past Thursday, I went up to my sister’s house, where my grandmother lives. I originally went there because my niece had her adorable Thanksgiving party. My usual routine when I get to my sister’s house is to go straight to my grandmother’s room and kiss her up. When I saw her she looked so frail and weak I got choked up and literally fought back tears. To see her struggle to take in oxygen when I said hi granny she looked at me and smiled and said hi darling. I kissed her and whispered to her I love her very much. I left before I collapsed in agony. I sensed she was in so much pain it literally broke my heart. My grandmother suffers from dementia, Alzheimer and was diagnosed with heart failure last year. The doctors told us that she wouldn’t make it to her 90th birthday. My grandmother turned 90 last month. #Hello there’s what man says and then there’s God. God will always prove us wrong!

Despite these blessings seeing my grandmother in that state felt very different this time. I felt acceptance from her as if she’s ready to move on from this Earth. Understanding this concept and writing this entry caused me to just finish balling like a baby because I got images of amazing times with my grandmother and just remembering her laughter. As a kid and even a teenager I spent years just being angry with life, a lot of that anger was centered at her and being confused; generally not understanding everything around me. That’s what the enemy can do to us… distort the reality and play on insecurities but more importantly feeds and breeds on confusion. We all lived together: my grandmother, dad, mom, sister, brother and me at one point. Then we split and I just didn’t get it. For the longest it was hurtful and bugged me so much that my family was split up. Then the hurt turned into anger. Reflecting back now as an adult what wasted energy and time. All I can do now is focus on the now and the fact I love my grandmother so much and think she’s a phenomenal God fearing woman and I’m blessed to share genetic markers with her.

My grandmother is the strongest woman I have ever been blessed to be around. She’s the epitome of a fighter. She’s holding on and there’s a part of me that questions if she’s doing this because of how much we all love her and her believing we may not be okay with the idea of her passing. My grandmother is the type of woman that would walk through fire for her family. She is the type of woman that would grow supernatural strength to move a bus with her bare hands. My grandmother has been blessed with two daughters, six grandchildren and three great-grandchildren in the 90 years she’s been walking on this planet. She’s the matriarch of our clan. Everyone looks up to her and admires her. She is truly adored. The idea of not having her on this planet is unfathomable on one hand for me. However, at some point we must all exit Earth. I believe that God has blessed me with the strength and acceptance to be okay somehow despite balling like a baby just now. I thank God for the amazing creator and Jesus every time I remember to do so. I have been praying for a spirit of peace and acceptance for my family with Jojo*. It was also awesome to ask my SubD family to pray for my grandmother as well. SubD stands for set up and breakdown, which is a division I serve on at MVMNT with some super amazing people. Any beautiful readers out here who took time out of their day (or night) to read this entry, thank you. I pray these words were only uplifting and that you are always seeking the spirit of peace and acceptance from within always. If you can throw in prayers for my family as well that would be greatly appreciated. God loves us all so much. Be blessed world. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

* name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy