Stir

Dearest Dad,

This nauseous feeling is so intense God. Yesterday at work was brutal. Fighting to push through the nausea and lightheaded emotions I felt all day was so real. But I kept everything I felt as much as I could’ve remembered in prayer with you God. Fool me once not twice, I won’t get caught up again. And thank you for that blessing last Saturday at that Christian conference for educators. It was the refuel I desperately needed. 

This is a formation in Your Determination, to starve and carve my flesh god confess is a painful process of stress. How you’re pruning me is fine tuning me, but it’s a painful gain in my story for Your Glory. I’m in distress, and my kinetic poetic release is Your Prophetic please. In my midnight hour you always control the Power, because there is gain in your Great Name. In my self made pollution you God hold all the godly solutions. My restoration is Your Preparation.

Dad the world is in a very scary place, in this fiction of flesh, there’s division to press play on confess. The wrong swing still stings and your obey is not playing okay for your broken chosen God. There’s accountability in unity when we as a chosen, decide to no longer pause the cause of hiding, to allow the bow from our hallow swallow. It’s the delete of delay to press play flesh god prey, not pray to slay in the obey God’s Way. Press today in the okay of no longer stressing flesh god facade of the looping trooping mirage. It’s a self sabotage designed to be aligned in the play on lie and die of worldly sanitize. This deluded proof is a self alluded aloof, to make the pale scales prevail, and interrupt that pending ripped veil.  

I can’t sleep, I’m passed counting sheep, and my reaction in my lack of satisfaction, is to stick to my pressing play in bleep bleep bleep. That’s not okay to Your Obey. As my King that makes my soul sing, plays the say: The drumming in my heart is the reality of my dark. My missed mark is a spark light that plays by God and His Might. My Mighty King who takes my stakes and stings to channel day and press play on my soul to sing. My singing stings because it’s painful reels of peeling feelings. My silent salute is now being rejected from my okay to press play on moving on mute. In my choke to play evoke because you spoke God. This is a facade that you no longer allow me to play a flesh god. My continuum in this unavoidable conundrum is all apart of my actuate swing called Your Pendulum. 

I cannot believe my King is relieved that all is being released in His deliberate please. I don’t like to write because it sheds godly light on my patrol to control all that’s done at night. My everyday is a yesterday of today. All my walls are pressing play to fall. My no is God’s go. In this call, my King who makes my soul sing expects my all. My press play on denial in God’s loving files, where God never puts me on trail. In my bleed, my flesh god weeds no longer press play on barren seeds. Press play in His follow and eject my reject in hallow swallow. My lean in mean is an unrealistic glean to who God called me to be. What God shows me to see is for me to finally press play in the pull of full free.  

I’m the her with the stir that says no, but my King who makes my soul sing says this will be a go. His way, not my press eject to okay, not the he who presses on delay, because thy will be done thy kingdom come. For he + He + her, will be done. I see an incomplete sentence that would star two flesh god menaces, he sees a lack of tangibility that interrupts his facade of tranquility. he is the be that believes in the need to patrol in control. I see the same. We’re both stubborn and lame. The unfolding in pressing play on cheap lemonade, is showing my he how much he truly needs His Renegade. My mr. mean, lean and glean that features ms. 17 is looped in a minute mirage that’s outwardly displaying destructive sabotage. The wrong she is an expired be to never press play on flesh god facade. In actuality, my he’s reality is pressing play on the ruse of this regrettable muse he now eternally presses play on refuse. 

My he is in reject mode of that instinctive eternal neglect code, of this current self made projected emptiness. ms. 17 plays hide in the pride that is now slowly dying in all this lying. My he feels and wishes he can peel away and fade in the see of free. God is their problem, therefore flesh god is only playing an expired facade. Press eject to this prospect that was blessed by a godless flesh confess. This test was a self made protest that God presses reject. Man played go, God never said go. This season of reason is the seventh sign, to have both mr. mean, lean and glean, featuring the fracturing fading ms. 17 to press reject in confinement to press play in alignment to God Almighty. Then the pale scales they both permit to prevail will finally fail after pressing play in admit. Then they will be free, to see the commit in pressing play kinetic separately. Delay will no longer allocate this suffocate in this misery that will soon be history. They both will bow, and allow pressing the play of God in His obey, not yesterday, or later but today. There will be the end of that pretend in dying Groundhog Day. 

This wrong she that findeth he in mr. mean, lean and glean as the wrong strong throng, cannot press play in this fading today of yesterday. Their prideful hiding, will continue to die in the piling filing lies that neither of them can press play in this land of two strands lame. The truth in God’s proof is too strong to fight for press play in aloof. Rejecting day and playing night is no longer the stronger sight. The misconceptions of their misfits starring this hit it and quit it, will no longer be a hidden admittance. The broken weeds in these barren seeds, that both ms. 17 and mr. mean, lean and glean are being uplifted. Their unilateral press in their stressful play of pathological muted salutes, is no longer their unified tribute. Their increasing need for God’s Gills is synonymous with the increasing impossibility of their thirst to be still. What was done in the dark has a godly spark that’s shedding light in the nightly community that rallied behind this dying unity.

Their cheap thrill expired in the birthing spill of the play in die since the winter of January. The countdown of the destructive showdown began. Tick tock tick tock clocks are the stops that can no longer hide ms. 17’s shock. Playing dumb is the adjunction of keeping the wrong track in ms. 17’s silent attacks. Only God can do correct math. ms. 17 clings to this poisonous sting, is truly a mind flip trip ring. The red in this lead is dead. Their explosive pending combust is a deluded distrust that this wrong she fights to be, all this work to cling to the wrong jar births this sliding slippery tar. ms. 17’s fall is near. ms. 17’s fall is here. flesh god can no longer press play in worldly delay. God validates not man. Be free in His be, ms. 17 let that jar of tar go and stop saying no. The idols are being displayed in ms. 17’s dismay. 

Despite the protest God is taking over as the commander of this assessed profess. This truth cannot be avoided no matter what flesh god proof this wrong she chooses. Playing His Obey by their okay must happen in their pending today. The mysteries in this history can no longer be ignored. There’s no need for ms. 17 to be floored because flesh god is a facade. What God says goes. Take a bow out of this cancelled show. Only God chooses côtes. ms. 17’s hue is not true, for she is not blue. God is the Great I Am. Only God parts the Red Sea of impossible to I’m possible.

Destinies that are delayed will never be denials, they are trials and a series of hidden reason in painful seasons, that God allows to make every knee bow. The press play in disobey will never be okay. Especially this two strand land of sand, starring ms. 17 and mr. mean, lean and glean. Their pride will die because it no longer hides. Kinetically then separately is the next play to their pending day. The fight in night will no longer be the sight. These two throngs will no longer be the see of this flesh god unity, the aloof that’s clearly a suffocating facade; and leaning on a night community is not unity. flesh god cannot write a true love story. flesh god is a facade of lust that rots to poisonous dust, which is why they no longer can hide the pride of this unavoidable combust. Rapid wildfire radiating rust is the ashes to ashes and dust to dust in the think of this unavoidable sink. So let go in this cancelled show to accept the need to play kinetically separately. he + He + her is the only true love that God allows to stir. 

Love your daughter.

Renegade

God has just been speaking to me vividly, and lately in my dreams. I’ve always had this connection with my King, for as long as I could remember. In fact, I remember growing up, and exchanging dreams with my brother. He has vivid dreams too. One day my mom overheard some dream my brother and I had, that was similar and she interpreted the dream for us, and told us it was prophetic. My brother thought it was cool, but I just felt it got super weird. 

I became a rebellious renegade, and decided to lessen my speaking especially on my dreams. I didn’t realize until now, how that was a broken condition I birthed and it grew. Seeds will always grow its which seed we fertilized that truly needs to be discerned. Thank God, my King is using my hot mess into His edifying message. No wonder God placed several vessels in my path, and expressed to me that I’m going to write a book. I’m slowly seeing this truth, because I’ve been silent about so much that I’ve conditioned myself to forget, until God’s perfect timing, which is now. 

And now looking back, I see that was an example that I showed my younger brother, because he followed me. His natural excitement was eventually snuffed out, because I was afraid. We don’t even realize how trickling, our fears or actions exemplify until it’s too late. At least leaning on my own understanding all these years, it just felt like it was too late. 

But with God the impossible entities of our lives, are made new because He parts every situation to: I’m possible. God is the great I am. When we think it’s over, God hasn’t even started yet. That’s when our King, buckles us safely and prepares us for His I’m possible ride. With God all is possible. It’s in Matthew and in Luke. God knows we’re humans that need constant reminders. That’s why God is so lovingly repetitive through our blueprint called the bible. And our pendulum called life.

I suspect that my entire family is filled with vessels of prophetic dreamers. No wonder there’s so much drinking, and yes you know the rest of this sentence. Drinking doesn’t drown out God, or what we as His children are called to be. Drinking doesn’t drown out our gifts either. Neither does labeling ourselves.

I tried doing all of that too. It clearly didn’t work for me. I see with my spiritual eyes, it’s not working for my family I love so much either. My nieces are always telling me about their dreams, and we’re always discussing them, when we are together then we pray about them. I’m so excited that Jojo* and I will be hanging with my loves this weekend. Friday can’t come fast enough. Family is everything to me. Jojo is my family too. I’m glad she gets along with my family, and they see her as family too. That’s so important to me. The people I love and cherish have to get along. It hurts when it’s any other scenario. I’m tired of hurt. 

It’s so natural for me to be a rebellious renegade. I register nothing as face value. It just doesn’t work, or connect to my DNA make up. My cognitive wires filters everything that is channeled my way, and I reject [or dismiss] a lot. I always thought I was weird, or crazy because of this. I’m now anchored to God, so I know what I get is true. I’m not crazy, or weird, I’m what He tells me: I’m his child that sees truth. God created me this way, I’m now unapologetic, and bold in my existence as His pendulum. I swing His way all day, amen.

Both of these dreams I had were necessary messages God gave me. I’m in humbled awe, at how much my King trusts me. Like hotheaded moi? Por que? God is like oui oui it’s me. So I’m now on my amen I just say yes tip. Tuesday’s dream came after some serious emotional freedom. 

This is how Tuesday’s dream started: my ex tried coming in my space again to tell me that we belong together, and he’s the one but my entire being just rejected him. He’s not my ribcage, he never was and never will be. God picked my ribcage long before my existence, [or my ribcages existence.] It’ll always be my ‘he’ no matter what either of us do. I wasn’t afraid of my ex like I was before, and I was excited. This means I’m really not afraid in my dreams anymore. Or real life. I’m not afraid at all. This is a truth I was fighting God on for a while. That ugly grey Lego world dream I had last month, really broke the shackles of fear for me. Thank you God. 

So I was looking at my ex like he was a temporary bad joke, because he was, then Jojo came, and I was so happy. My ex disappeared. Then we were walking, and talking. We went outside, there was so much green, and gorgeous architecture surrounding us, it took my breath away. I’m so into architecture. I’ve been fascinated by the history of buildings since I was a kid. I vaguely remember running my mouth all the time to my dad, when we did our walks together, but he’s always reminding me how mouthy I am. My dad is such a blunt charmer saints. 

These buildings in the dream were just jaw dropping. And they were so tall. Before we knew it, we were at the roof of one of them. It’s unclear how we got up there for me, at first but after us praying and bible studying when I woke up, it became clear we floated up there. I didn’t register that, because that’s doing a lot. I’m selective with what I register, if it’s overwhelming to me. I think God is trying to get me to get over myself. Thank God He’s meeting me. I’m still reeling at His command, to even admit all of this. I’m so bothered by that. But it’s not about me, [or what bothers me,] it’s about my King, and what He needs from me, for His precious saints.

As Jojo and I were talking, I looked around. There was nothing but green, rich green trees and fruitfulness. It put a smile on my face. I was so happy. I didn’t want to wake up. Then four people came out of no where, two men and two women. When Jojo and I prayed over the dream, we got they represented God’s ordained will. Confirmed couples by God, not man or the brokenness of society by feeding the wrong seeds. But these four people looked dead on the inside, and completely hallow from their worldly swallow. 

What I picked up was them being tired of the seductive pull from the world. And they just wanted the emptiness to end. They jumped off the building. As they were falling, they were floating in an angelic way. And they fell flat on the ground like pancakes. Jojo and I were so high in the clouds, that my eyes became like eagles, so that I can see what happened to those four people. An image came to me that I didn’t see, until I found it on Instagram. I’ll attach the image below. To me those four people died from their flesh and were made new. Because Jesus’ blood casts away death and sin. That’s when I woke up. 

Last nights dream I don’t remember all of it, the enemy entered my dream again, and again I wasn’t afraid. This time I registered I wasn’t afraid in the dream. I was on my bed, but I knew I was in a dream. I suspected it wasn’t going to be a pleasant dream. I’m starting to connect dreams on my bed aren’t pleasant. I did not so pleasant things with my body on that bed, with my ex. I’m grateful when Jojo and I move, I’m taking nothing from this room. Except my clothes I love, and my shoes. Even that is debatable. We shall see. 

So there was pressure on my shoulders, and the attempt to sink me in my bed, but I cried out that Jesus is Lord, and that the Holy Spirit was welcomed here. It just shook off the pressure slightly. So I started singing Holy Spirit and my freedom became stronger. But then the entire room became filled with water. And I began to float. And I couldn’t breathe so God gave me gills. And I was breathing again. So I asked God what I had to do to make this end? And I said what needed to be said, which was I love my ribcage and I’m all in. I’m glad it is who it is. 

And that’s when I woke up, and called Jojo and we prayed. And God pressed it on my heart, to make this a blog post. The water represented cleansing of my room. Praise God. Thank you God for all that you do through me, and your trust, and your love that blesses me. Thank you for making me Your renegade. And thank you for walking with the rest of your beautiful saints out here on their pendulum swing. They will see in your perfect timing. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much y’all. So do I. Your sister Crysta. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Love

Love is such a complicated lifestyle. I say that God because as your children we’ve been rerouted from the breath of life you formulated us to instinctively have. It’s in Genesis. The serpent lured Eve to eat from the tree God specifically told her not to go to. The serpent was evil and can never ever meet Eve’s instinctive good so the serpent lured Eve to his level of corruption: temptation. God you have so much faith in us. It’s undeserving and mind blowing.

You tempt us to prepare us. Not to fall into the trap of sin that we all fall into, especially me. I’m currently fighting my stupid heart being turned ice cold, cursing again on and off and I have spurts of desires to punch people in the face and knock teeth out. My frustration is being fed incorrectly because I’m choosing to stay here. In anger which is a secondary emotion to pain.

When I can give you these emotions. You’ll always correct them and me. But I want to rebel because I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore I want to wander off and be stupid like Eve in the garden of Eden. Where the heck was Adam?! He’s supposed to always lead and protect because you made him first and she’s the rib. She was made second. From the rib that protects his heart.

Eve’s biggest role: protect Adams heart and our hearts always belongs to you first. But Adam didn’t die in self. He didn’t put her first by rising above and protecting her. He was stupider for feeding her idiosyncrasy; and listening to the evil serpent, causing all the innate fleshly, worldly, and corrupted desires every single child of yours faces on this planet now Abba.

Man mediating on the word always leaves me in my feelings, which I hate being in, but you seem to think that’s irrelevant lately. Carry on as you do Abba. It’s my oxygen. The bible is my oxygen. I haven’t been breathing it in as frequently and been holding my breath: huffing and puffing in defiance.

It’s my first love language: mediating in the bible. I really want to know it word for word in its entirety but that’s a life quest and I need to understand the message you’re relying to me before memorization can kick in. What’s so amazing about the greatest book ever is that my comprehension will shift as you promote me from glory to glory.

The air you blessed us with, then poured into us was designed to innately gravitate to you first and foremost always. To see you and cling to your existence only. In your presence is where we dwell. It’s synonymous to resetting the tear banks in my eyes so they won’t dry out. It’s as natural as the motion of inhaling and exhaling: we cannot do one without the other. Just like we cannot love you without faith. We cannot please you without faith.

We are wired to please you. And we fall into the trap of shifting our focus off of you even if it’s for a second, the temptation has already been set in motion. Nothing on this planet will fill that desire to please for more than a temporary season. It could be anything: pornography, sex, chasing titles and status in a career or personally, getting married because it’s “time, filling in a loneliness that only God can fill, because everyone else is doing it, because we already had sex so let’s not burn in hell;” whatever the full in the blank for you is. It doesn’t change it’s a temporary season if it’s not God-ordained. If God isn’t in the center it will never feel right. It’ll always feel off and it’ll always feed the deep desire to overcompensate. Speaking as someone that’s been blessed to survive that trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

That’s what I did with the two guys I was determined to marry for all the wrong reasons. The first guy, Edward* was because I thought I was better than the girl he was hung up on and did everything for him to “prove I was amazing” no, I’m amazing because God says so. That’s it. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. God is all the proof I need now. Edward* and I were friends first, which is a step you want your daughters to execute but with the son you choose not us. It was a competition because I didn’t even like him at first. Then I said to myself fine. I sized him up with the mentality: I’ll win she’ll lose. I catered to him like a wife but wasn’t. Lesson number one: Don’t act a role God never gave you or blessed you with. It will always fail. God removed him from my life. It took a few years but he’s gone. Thank you Abba.

That broken woman I used to be needed to die. I’m grateful she’s gone. He wasn’t a man of God. And I always knew you existed Abba. I get why it’s not him and never will be. He can’t protect me or my vertical. He was a man of the world. Materialistic and had money, was already established and I hated that but overlooked it because I thought he was different. Plus you made me a builder. You made me an encourager and I love doing that. I love being that person to push your children to be their best self. But I didn’t pray it out. I didn’t seek you with Edward*.

You also made me with an extreme logic and with that said, Anderson* was the polar opposite. I said good no problems. He wasn’t fiscally established so I saw him as a pet project. We were friends first too because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Like zilch but he was good with words. Words well put make me swoon and he figured that out; I never told him. I always knew he was going to use it against me, which is why I never told him. Masochist for the win. I’m still not sure how to this day maybe my actions but that season you used for your glory anyway. Thank you God.

Anderson* gave me a bible so that shocked me and tricked me at the same time. Totally got fooled and once again I didn’t seek you Abba. The bible to me automatically made me think we were going to get married. The wires in my cerebral circumference just went off to wedding bells. It took two years of being with him to make me see what a terrible place he was in. He never wanted to pray together and never wanted to read the bible together. I was so confused and didn’t know where to go, or who to go to. I became depressed again and suicidal again. Because he somehow convinced me loved meant isolation from people and sex. But only I was isolated not him. And it was opposite to the bible so I was all types of jacked up. I didn’t trust anything or anyone not even praying.

But Prayer is our fiduciary connection to faith. It pleases you lord. We cannot please you without these wires connecting. It’s impossible. I didn’t seek you God but you found me after I came out the hospital through Jojo* she’ll always be my rider because you used her to save me. She’s the reason I’m in Brooklyn Tabernacle but you’re the reason Abba that I know with conviction that you love me and have my best interest.

I was all about you and loving it and reading the word. Depression free and suicidal free. Until you showed me Harper* I dismissed him honestly because I couldn’t do this dark hole again. Not after Jesus. Not after feeling this amazing love I chased all my life in the wrong place: men. I know my identity is in Christ alone. I know with conviction I’m loved by the greatest man ever! So why show me Harper*?

Oh Lord oh lord… couldn’t I be in my sanctified bubble?? I wanted to be a brat and hold my breath until I got my way which is to just have Jesus and no temptation of a black hole.

I don’t want to be lead by an idiot that won’t step up and protect me from a serpents lies.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

It’s Jesus or the world not both.

Nothing can come with us on this planet so why cling to the things of the world?

I don’t want to be lead by a man that would rather control everything instead of trusting the greatest man ever, you Abba.

A godly man leads his godly woman vertical as they both continue to chase God and prepare for their holy matrimony to edify the kingdom first and foremost not have sex without guilt. There’s so much more to this union than sex like taking the scales off the eyes of your blinded children.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that doesn’t have you first God or treats you like a buffet of convenience.

I don’t want to love Jesus more than the man you have me for. That’s not how this works. That’s not what Ephesians 5 says. That’s not a 1 Corinthians 13 love. I won’t settle for anything less. You know this God. Because you’re pruning me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

That’s why I don’t understand this Harper* thing whatsoever. Isn’t a pair supposed to be evenly yoked?! Definitely not the case here. Such a loophole that has me tripped up and all you’re saying is trust you?? You didn’t take me out of those dark places to pair me with someone that’s not on fire for God. This man needs to be more radical than me. You didn’t block my suicides so I can be more on fire than the man you carved me for. So please hook your daughter up with clarity. I’ve been asking you for two years and you keep showing me everything I don’t want. That’s not what I prayed for.

Clearly my track record sucks God plus I told you I need five years of building my core before you showed me whatever guy you picked for me. Because people I admire in the church were single for three years before you showed them so I said no that’s not enough five years works. It’s a whole hand. Three years was a recurring theme and I wanted my own number to be just me and you. But it’s not just me and you and that pisses me off. I’m huffing and puffing Abba. Nehemiah got all his prayers answered so what about me!?

Inhaling oxygen without any release of carbon dioxide is not a part of how you wired us. The same tree you created to give us our oxygen to survive in this fallen world, is the same tree that needs us to survive. My oxygen is their carbon. We are a team. One can’t be without the other.

The way you scientifically created us is so fascinating and I still don’t get why you didn’t let me become a scientist. I wouldn’t be dealing with people and I’ll just be making this planet better scientifically. You know it’s so stimulating to my mind, that you created by the way, so hello to that desire being there and not being fed, it’s sitting with all the other ones you’re telling me no or not yet to. Absurd obedience Abba isn’t always fun, just saying.

Science should be a love language. I understand science. It should be my love language. Plus you know what a struggle it is for me to stay focus in where you have me plugged in currently. And people suck when they hurt me or worse hurt themselves. You’re making my stupid heart more sensitive and it hurts more to see your children hurt themselves. This is our rotational pattern Abba: I see and seek you. You show or confirm to me through discernment. I want to fix things then you stop me. And then I’m upset because you usually want me to do something I don’t want to do.

Why am I here again if I’m not helping your kingdom? Not here as in the planet…. It’s evident you win there. I’m here, I’m with you Abba but why am I in New York City? Why am I teaching at an urban charter middle school in downtown Brooklyn? Why do I volunteer where I do? How am I bettering your kingdom in these places??

I’m so frustrated!!!! Especially since you can plug me where I’ll really feel appreciated and fulfilling your purpose to spread the good news. Why can’t I go on a missions trip yet? Why’d you stop me from moving to Cape Verde at 24?! It was a good cause. Man you stop everything that’s why I’m just saying yes so that way my frustration doesn’t increase.

But it keeps increasing. So what am I doing wrong? Last nights sermon was amazing. Completely convicted me to start praying for Harper* again but then I got pissed off all over again and have yet to do it. He doesn’t want my prayers or me so why again is this happening? How’s it him exactly!? This is a bizarre testimony you have me walking through. It doesn’t make sense.

But at the time I walked through the Edward season that made complete sense to me. The overcompensation and that deep rooted unhappiness were ignored because “I fit with Edward* and I’m supposed to marry him.” You totally blocked that trip from happening at his family house in Trinidad. We were getting so close he was talking about us getting married. It was perfect in my mind.

I was going to get my ring that you stopped. I was mad at you for a long time but it’s a blessing and protection in disguise. Because you stopped it. I don’t know how I was so determined to ignore you. You still won. You blocked a lot when I was with Edward especially my attempt to have his kid because I knew you knew how we both felt about parenting. Looking back thank you for sparing an innocent child from entering the twisted brokenness.

Harper still doesn’t make sense, and I think you should just let this son of yours be it’s what he wants anyway. And I definitely don’t ever want to be in a dark place again. Or have broken worldly Crysta’s residue surfacing. That way I can be on fire in my sanctified bubble that you keep popping after I recreate them. It’s so much safer. But once again your desires trump my suggestions and feelings. Your will be done regardless how I feel. You love me as complicated as this looks and feels I know that you love me Abba. And I love you. I say yes to you God no matter what.

I have to just trust you won’t let me be lead by an idiot that would lead me to another black hole no matter how it looks or what I currently feel. I agree with that girl Abba. I would rather be single for the next 10 years than marry the wrong man.

This path called life is not easy Abba. Love is such a complicated lifestyle because of our past histories and genetic conditions we inherited that make it that way. It’s unfortunate because you are the embodiment of simplicity. And Everlasting life is the silver lining and hope that you blessed us to cling to. Thank you for that. Love you to infinity times infinity.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Ready

Dearest Abba,

You promoted my uncle today. He’s up in heaven right now no longer in pain or experiencing the cancerous poison that consumed him. Thank you God for chasing him relentlessly into a relationship with you. Thank you for giving him peace and joy throughout this entire experience he had here. I have never seen my late uncle not smiling or not joyful. Thank you for blessing not just me but my family with his presence and strength. What a legacy of examples you placed within all of us because of the vessel my uncle was.

You loaned him to us for a long time and we are indebted to you by your undeserving love-kindness. This isn’t goodbye because one day we’ll see him again. Until then we do what needs to be done here. You were ready to take him home. Earth is a pit stop not home. You are the author of life and the gracious giver of everlasting life. Thank you for ensuring my uncle had everlasting life. My heart is full even though I’m going to miss him and being around his peace and infectious joy.

I have a spirit of deep gratitude that he is no longer in pain. My uncles temporary stay expired and your will was to take him home because you were ready. Your understanding will never be associated with our understanding. Through these tears and dry heaving, you are a great God. You are so worthy to be praised and I adore you. I love you beyond comprehension Abba. I know I can come to you in any head space and at any time. You will always be ready for me regardless of how I feel or what I show.

I’m so thankful that you prepared us with how well my uncle accepted what was around the corner. His spirit of acceptance was enough to cover our fear and resentment towards his last few days on earth. Thank you God for blessing my mom with the ability to see who she saw as a father figure one last time before he passed. You really blessed me Abba to be raised around quite a few fantastic men.

Of course you are my first love Abba and my Heavenly Father. No one can ever take your place of priority or being first. Not even my future husband that you promised me. I always ponder and process how precious life is when you promote one of my family members to be in heaven. It’s a bullseye that slaps me right in the face. Life shouldn’t be wasted ever.

My uncle always made every moment count because he truly appreciated and valued life. He believed that everyone should understand the beauty and unique aspect of this path called life. Love. Loving one another. Loving God first and foremost. In that love of God: making our hearts full of kindness, peace, joy, hope, love and faith. You are love Abba. Writing these words gave me peace and you blessed me with a joy even though my uncle died today.

Nothing will take praising you out of my mouth. You are a beautiful mystical truth that I perfectly trust. Thank you for this amazing blessing. Thank you for being a great God. Thank you for always blessing me to yearn to always thank you. You continue to change me and make me new. It leaves me wide-eyed and in awe with wonder.

It is well within my soul because of you. You always keep me floating in the turbulence and I will never sink, thank you. Nothing is too big for you. That panic attack I experienced yesterday was a failed attempt to distract me with fears. I’m ready for everything that you have for me. I’m ready to choose you above all else as you teach me with discerning truth.

I’m ready for my future husband, I wasn’t before because of fear and the inability to have all the answers. That’s fear and control and not of you God. Because you made me Abba with a sound mind. I’m ready for him to enter my life as you lead him to lead us in your hearts content. I’m ready for you to give him whatever nudge he needs as I withhold nothing. I just say yes to what’s next.

To my future husband: if you ever stumble on these words know that I pray for your vertical and sound mind everyday. I pray that the enemy never distracts you for long time; and that you always always cling to discerning truth. That you lean on God and not your own understanding. That you embrace gods will for your life because it’s so much better than what you can ever desire. Our Abba is amazing for blessing me with the renewed mind to be open and ready for the pruning and growth needed for the edification and his will. His will includes you and me. Abba is pruning me to be the wife you need me to be. Know that losing my uncle today made the last drop of fear shed from my fearfully and wonderfully made frame. The sword is lifted fearlessly. Know that your past is covered and spotless by Abba. You are blameless to him and anything in your heart allow him to heal because he so desperately wants to. Know that satan is a liar that will try and play on your deepest buried insecurities. But God is bigger. Know that love holds no records of wrong and is patient. Love never fails. Love is forgiving. We will have a 1 Corinthians 13 love because of the pruning being done in both of us. You’re not perfect and neither am I so I patiently wait until you come to me so we can be perfectly imperfect together. Until then I’ll keep praying and loving you to where God needs you to be.

Love your rib.

Rest in peace Uncle B. I love you, until next time. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Dancing

Dearest Abba,

I love how you hit me with a supernatural bulls eye at work today. You connected the dot: my fueling frustrations to my desperate need to understand the unknown. Perfect trust in you is not trying to understand or figure anything out. That is actually quite the opposite and lacking trust in you. It’s basically saying to you, “Hey God, what you’re showing me makes no sense so it can’t be.” There’s an incomplete part to my vertical vantage point. That was unacceptable to you. You love me so much that you relentlessly pursued me until that dot was connected. Thank you Abba. Thank you for your unfailing and unchanging love for me.

Thank you for making waiting for that man that I’ll marry one day so much more worth the wait. You are showing me to expecting nothing less and I won’t let you down. It makes me enjoy dancing with you until you let that man cut in even more sacred. You are carving me to be the best woman of God not just to edify your kingdom but to be the wife my future husband needs me to be. I have unwavering faith you are doing the same in him. Perfect trust in your perfect timing. My future husband will love me just as Jesus loved the church. And I will completely submit to that love and nothing else because I’m your daughter. This is the standard you are grooming me to wait for. No bread crumbs. No in between ‘friends/talking/dating and let’s see.’ No nonsense. Thank you for sparing me.

For a long time I was hesitant in accepting this standard because it seemed “too high” but now I understand with conviction that I’m your daughter and you are the King. This makes me your precious princess worthy of the best. You have fearfully and wonderfully made me. I’m not crazy for holding my head high walking in the worth you blessed me with: validated by only you. Human beings can no longer break me with words or their actions because I am validated by the greatest artist ever. And I truly understand that you are in the business to constantly shape me for the better. Even when it looks like it is a breakdown it is truly a breakthrough designed to clear out the clutter and strengthen my intimacy with you.

The fueling frustrations have been an internal slow churn oozing it’s way to the surface for quite some time. Thank you for correcting my assumption that I was missing what you were saying. I simply was trying to control your deliverance for me and how it looks. Today’s church devotional really drove this point home. The father of faith verses the son of impatience that seeks the tangible. I love Genesis. It’s one of my favorite books in the bible. It’s the beginning there’s just something really beautiful about seeing the creation of life out of ashes and how it all works together your way. I mean there’s no part of the blueprint of life aka the bible that I don’t love. But I really love Genesis.

I sometimes drift off and meditate on this journey to this exact moment Abba. How you orchestrated me coming to The Brooklyn Tabernacle. Before coming and being completely involved in my home-base, as you know I was apart of that cool Harlem church. However, dots weren’t connected in the sense of truly understanding that this beautiful walk is a relationship that takes consistent surrender. It’s not a sometimes I’ll go to a building that so many of us fall into the trap of calling it church when we the body are the church. We are the only Jesus a lot of your beautiful children here on this Earth see so we have to make the most out of those precious moments. Thank you for your grace and patience to prune us whether we like it or not.

With that said, I totally tried you by trying to avoid the signs that this is exactly where you wanted me. I even tried to get Jojo to check out the Harlem church so she could join it with me but of course you shot that down. Totally nothing wrong with that church in Harlem but that’s not where I encountered you and you knew I would only do that where I am now. You used Jojo to introduce our church to me and she wasn’t even familiar with it. She heard it was a ‘cool place with good music’ and I like music so I saw no harm. Besides she was incredibly way too chipper for a ‘church goer’ so my curiosity was peaked. Little did I know that was the beginning of the rest of my life. You knew we’d surrender our lives to you the same day (4.4.14,) get baptized the same day (6.1.14) and just embrace the radical changes you did within both of us. That you continue to do in both of us. Praise your Holy Name. It is a moment to moment stretching process we were excited to experience then and say yes now because we stopped being those worldly lost sheep. Our shepherd found us. And we keep drawing closer to you. What a gift that’s so cherished.

I stopped being paralyzed by the words of guys and seeking validation in them. You corrected the distorted belief that sex needed to occur so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m not alone and my purity is everything. Love over lust. Because you’re love, not lust and love waits. It’s slow to anger and it doesn’t hold grudges. Love always prevails. Love forgives and love is understanding. I’m waiting God. I’m waiting as you work in both my future spouse and myself. Thank you God for making my journey your testimony. Thank you for using my shortcomings for your glory. I say yes to being your intercessor and showing your other beautiful daughters that there is no need to compromise your beliefs for the fear of being alone. We are not alone. You go before us. You hold our right hand tightly. And Jojo is living proof that obedience is so beautiful. Keep pruning us Lord, we say yes. The sword is lifted.

I truly enjoy seeing my beautiful sisters grow in Christ and go harder for you. But I love to see even more the moment where they realize how beautiful they truly are and always were. You blessed me with the gift of encouragement. I’m humbled I get to put a smile on your children’s faces by reminding them that they are amazing and can do all things through Christ. You just want us dancing as you lead us and you blow our minds reminding us that you are God.

Like tonight in Starbucks… you’re probably going to have me write a book someday. I say yes. This woman had to be an angel so let’s call her Angel*. She just sat next to me and had me dying of laughter like I was crying. She was like oh you’re Christian yeah you look it. Of course I laughed again because I didn’t realize followers of Christ had a look but I receive it. As long as Jesus is seen and not me then I’m on the right track. She just blessed me with her presence but what really blew my mind was her prophesying in Jojo’s life when Jojo and Naomi came. Naomi and I mouths just dropped and we were speechless. Angel knew Jojo for literally sixty seconds and started prophesying everything she’s been hearing and going through the last few months. I so badly wanted to ask her about me but you wouldn’t let me God. It’s interesting that Angel doesn’t realize she’s a vessel for you God when she says she’s not a believer of Jesus yet doing his work. I lift up her sister to you God, you know what she’s battling and you know her name. In faith you will turn it around because you answer and hear prayers. Beautiful eyeballs that are reading these words, please pray for her too. God hears all prayers. I pray Angel comes to church this Sunday. Make her. Amen.

When Angel left Starbucks Jojo, Naomi and I were just talking about how special she is and how much more work she can do for the kingdom of God. Jojo of course was super silly and said she’ll be beamed up like she’s a modern day Enoch because she’s an angel. I say she’s a vessel and will come to The Tab. It’s always your perfect timing. And it makes the experience even more memorable. As your children we always have to be open that’s so crucial and we’ll only be open truly is by drawing even closer to you. To keep dancing with you. When I was 17 years old you position a vessel of yours, who looked like a stranger to me at the time due to my perspective, to cross my path. This vessel was used to speak about the season I’m now experiencing. He told me I’ll be an educator and I looked at him as if he grew an extra arm. I also told him that I didn’t want to be a teacher because they didn’t make money. Then I spent the next decade plus avoiding this calling; however that didn’t stop you Abba, you used my defiance for your glory. As you always do. I was never in control when you allowed me to work in the legal, sales or fashion world. I so thought I had this. And you allowed me to live in that delusion. You did however, bless me with so many skill sets from all of these industries that I now use in education. You’ve also showed me that being an educator doesn’t necessarily mean staying under the title of teacher. You’ve also put blueprints of amazing businesses on my heart that you will see fulfilled in your perfect timing as I sit in perfect trust.

I’m truly humbled and honored you’ve entrusted me to educate the generation of tomorrow. I love teaching. I love learning as I teach them and I love love love that every child can succeed and be taught. Knowledge is power. That’s almost as consistent as your unfailing love… almost. My heart is filled with gratitude praising your Holy Name for reinforcing the fact that whatever direction you lead me to I’ll be blessed because you go before me and you’re right beside me. I pick up my feet from the ground and glide on yours as you lead me in this dance. I’m done trying to control how the unknown looks. I receive and accept the blessings that are around the corner. I say yes to everything. I’m no longer holding a fearful heart that felt unworthy because I am chosen by you. You choosing me makes me worthy. Keep blowing my mind supernaturally as we keep dancing together. Let’s go and do this mind blowing edification your way, not my way. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Love your daughter.

*Names mentioned have been changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Gwendolyn Elaine…

This weekend was emotionally rough for not just myself but for my entire family. We said goodbye to the matriarch of our clan and my grandmother Gwendolyn Elaine. Normally, I’d change names for protection of identities but my grandmother had such beautiful names I can’t fathom switching them whatsoever so I won’t. This past weekend was all about her beautiful memory. I know spiritually and mentally she’s in paradise living it up, free and no longer in the pain. I’m grateful the suffering she experienced the last few months of her Earth life is now over. However, emotionally this sucks and I want her back.

It was gut wrenching seeing her in so much pain when I went to visit her. My mother, father, brother, sister and I went to see her a few days before she passed away. We got to say goodbye to her and my heart aches for my three cousins and aunt that didn’t get that same opportunity on one hand; on another they were spared seeing the warrior rock we knew as Gwendolyn Elaine. Truly, it wasn’t just her direct descendants that loved her or were close to her. The entire family held her in high regard and adored her. She was dainty and tough, which baffles me because it sounds like an oxymoron but my grandmother pulled this task off brilliantly. She radiated such class you wish you could bottle it up. I know I did. I’m not just saying that because she was my grandmother. I’m saying it because anyone that knew her described Gwendolyn Elaine as class if she had to be categorized by one word. Apparently she was quite the popular one in Guyana back in the day, which I learned over the weekend. It was wonderful hearing new things about this amazing woman that’s responsible for the existence of 11 direct descendants.

Although we knew that things weren’t looking great since late December of last year, I still emotionally on some small level thought: “I’d handle her death pretty okay because she lived a long life….or a miracle will happen she’ll out live us all.”  Delusion R Us right? Yes, I know. I completely fell apart at her funeral. Even writing out this blog right now, I am falling apart. I miss her so much. I never knew I could cry this much. And I hate crying. I think it sucks. I avoid it at all costs. At least I used to. It makes me believe that God is wrestling with me in this area so that I can no longer hide this side of me. My entire family saw me ball like a baby at my grandmother’s funeral to the point where my awesome cousins stopped me from collapsing. For the longest I thought crying was done privately, mourning was done privately. Or you can ‘prepare’ for death. God had other plans. One of my cousins came up to me and said she’s never seen me cry. That’s very telling. I don’t have the greatest history when it comes to crying. But that’s a post for another day. This is a dedication of my late beautiful grandmother.

Gwendolyn Elaine was the irreplaceable anchor in this family. Everyone went to her for ANYTHING and everything and she always made it happen: No matter what. Everything was always going to be okay if she said it would be. She’s ‘grangergreen’ an awesome nickname my brother came up with at 3 that just stuck around and our cousin added she smelled like tangerines. SO many awesome stories were discussed this weekend between the six grandchildren. And being around the rest of our family was just so beautiful and priceless. I want more. I’m greedy for more moments like this weekend.

Gwendolyn Elaine was a joyful, God fearing woman who thought family was never to be taken for granted. A woman who taught her girls to walk with their head held high with purpose and confidence no matter what. A woman who taught us that NOTHING separated people here on Earth. Because it didn’t matter what social class you were part of or what was the color of your skin; it also didn’t matter what your spiritual belief was and how your fiscal situation looked like. This amazing woman taught us you belong no matter what because we’re all God’s children. None of those materialistic things separated us. These were some of the amazing life lessons echoed in the eulogy that my sister read. She did such a fantastic job. My heart swelled with pride because our family was reunited and there for one another.

That eulogy forever changed my trajectory. My sister was raised with our grandmother. A blessing to be near this incredible woman on a daily basis and absorb such valuable lessons. My sister was saying good bye to the only constant daily guardian in her life. I didn’t even know all of the amazing things about our grandmother before that eulogy. Makes me want her back even more so I can know that amazing side on a personal level too. Or the fact that she was this brilliant seamstress that made the wedding dresses for a chunk of our family members from scratch. Emotionally I feel robbed I didn’t get to know her everyday like my sister did. But that seems wrong and selfish on an intellectual and mental level.

On this walk, there is one constant lesson that I continue to learn: nothing is an accident. My sister being raised by my grandmother was all apart of God’s grand design. Gwendolyn Elaine was the type of woman that thrived and was motivated by being a caretaker. It made her a better human. There was nothing my mom or aunt wanted for back in Guyana and when they were old enough, married with additional kids, they went their separate ways. My grandmother even took care of her siblings and their kids. My aunt and her clan moved to Canada and we’re here in New York. Back in Guyana everyone lived in a two family house and/or across the street. When the footprints left Guyana the unity disappeared into dust. The stories I hear about the days in Guyana makes my heart contemplate what it would’ve been like if those patterns and habits were carried here in New York, or where ever. As long as we were all together. Being at my sister’s house this weekend and just enjoying all my cousins, aunts and uncles was truly a gift. I’m convinced my grandmother was smiling down at us. The fact that we were inspired to start the steps of another family reunion is just my proof that we truly honored her name and memory.

We were truly blessed to have Gwendolyn Elaine for the 90 years we did have her. We may be mourning her physically and it hurts like heck but she’s with us always in spirit as a guardian angel. No one can cook chowmein quite like Gwendolyn Elaine. In fact, she made anything taste heavenly, I used to stare at her in the kitchen as a kid. I asked her will I ever cook as amazing as her and she told me, “Crysie, I didn’t become an amazing cook until after I got married so you have plenty of time.” Well, my beautiful grandmother, I’m holding you to that promise and counting on your guidance when the time comes. January 21st will not only be a celebration of my birth but also the day I gained you as a guardian angel my precious Granny. Until we see you again. Love you forever and always. Thank you for reading beautiful people. DO me a favor, go hug and kiss your grandmother and tell her you love her, thanks. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Acceptance…

Dear God, Thank you so much just for the ability to breathe. The small blessings us flawed homosapiens forget to thank you for because we’re too caught up wallowing in the ocean of our feelings. You breathe oxygen into our lungs when you do not have to. Jesus’ sacrifice alone is a debt we’ll never ever be able to repay so the audacity to get caught up in temporary trivial circumstances when the gift of life is something we do not deserve, is truly baffling. Abba, we’re #craycray yet you still love us!! We’re beyond blessed and so unworthy!

Last night souls had life spoken into them at #392FultonStreet at the second installment of #MVMNTbk #memyselfieandi series. Our Pastor was on fire. The Holy Spirit was so active in that sanctuary. The worship was so on point. It felt like falling in love with #MVMNTbk all over again. To see so many souls jumping around celebrating the presence of God was a priceless moment captured in time forever. I felt all giddy on the inside because as a musicology lover all was right in my world.

I was also on worship cloud winning because I had my membership interview last night for Brooklyn Tabernacle and I’m officially a member. 🙂 It felt so amazing to just go on a rambling tangent of how much God blesses and it’s all about going lower. I could’ve talked forever to the Deacon because he was laughing and smiling at my dorkiness. #TeamDorkFOREVER but he reminded me that other people were waiting to be interviewed and then I remembered MVMNT was happening!!! SO I ran downstairs so I wouldn’t miss out on too much action and get fed some life from our Young Adult Pastor. MAN, did he go IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!! The ultimate message was understanding how the enemy distorts the identity that God harvests us to have; and the sons and daughters he calls us to be to glorify his kingdom. Here’s a recap of the 4 pointers and how I reacted to the life feeding message:

1. God does not want us to be paralyzed by the opinion of others! That’s having our eyes fixated on the visible found in the horizontal. The horizontal is a realm of several seductions. #Money #Status #Wardrobes #Toys4Boys (like their cars and other tech mumbo jumbo) the list goes on in the materialistic world. Getting tripped up here allows the enemy to attack us. The same way we all have unique fingerprints we all are uniquely made. God did that on

    PURPOSE!

He took his T I M E to genetically make us up in our individual human forms. That’s how much he loves us. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew what he was doing making you. Yes, you the eyeballs that are reading right now. NEVER forget that. I took forever to understand that my validation is only from God. Now I live solely for his glory and my eyes are fixed on the vertical as I have eagle eye tunnel vision on this vantage point. I’m humbled and honored that God had so much faith in flawed messed up me that I’d finally look up.

2. Past hurts and pains suspends us from living in the lane of forgiveness and freedom!! God is not a God of disorder and confusion. God is love. That’s it. Will we have our moments of reflection and get caught up being alllllllllllllllllllll up in our feelings? Duh, of course we will. Does God know that? Duh, part two of course he does. I sometimes forget that God knows us better than we will ever EVER know ourselves. God does NOT just want our praises he wants our struggles as well. God is greedy he wants to be all up in the business. He wants an intimacy with us. He patiently waits for us to have that mental recognition click. God is the only being that takes us as we are: flawed sinners and loves us enough to wrestle and wreck us into polished soldiers for his kingdom. How amazing is that?! This fact makes my world go round and round and round.

3. The founding father of the compare game is media and culture. We all fall into this trap all to much. I don’t have this like that person… If I had more money like so and so I’d have what they have too… hmmm, how many people liked the picture I posted two seconds ago…? blah blah. This list is endless. How about we stop ignoring the signs God is trying to convey to us to be still so that he can teach us why we’re in the specific season

HE

has us in? Am I always aware of God’s signs? No, I’m not. Am I always still? Honestly, being still is very challenging for me. I have a very short attention span and sometimes I feel like I have ants in my pants. When I attempt to be still I don’t even know if I’m doing it correctly. Not doing something correctly used to bother Worldly Crysta. To her, she sucked at something because she lived in a lane with the trajectory that life is either winning or losing. It wasn’t an option to her to lose. Walk with Christ Crysta, has a different mindset. She understands that not everything is a competition. Even as an avid game player and game lover, she still understands games are games. My love for games stems from childhood growing up playing games with my brother and my mom. We used to go IN! My sister and my dad never cared for them; oh well… they missed out!!! I’m thankful that God has taught me that not everything is a competitive race and definitely not a comparison game. The media is glamorized. Glamor is always fluffed. Humans are perfectly imperfect which leaves no room for fluffing. Besides, stuffed animals are in the realm of fluffy mcfluff not homosapiens who feel and bleed.

4. CONDEMNATION…of our own minds, of others pointing an outward finger and of others always having something wrong with them. When our Pastor vocalized that last one I blurted out RIGHT!!!… then I quickly covered my mouth. I’m loud. Through God, I have a loud personality, voice and presence. God has been teaching me through his amazing grace to be in the spirit of acceptance that less is more. Just because my voice projects doesn’t mean it always has to be vocalized. Just because God has blessed me with a commanding presence doesn’t mean I’m supposed to always be noticed. This made me really uncomfortable for a very long time… then #middlechildsyndrome kicked in and there was a necessity to be

seen.

Surrendering to Jesus meant picking up the cross and dying in self. Now I live for him and him alone. Any quality that is possessed within is to only Glorify the Kingdom of God not me. I understand this #fact but more importantly I’m in the spirit of acceptance of this honorary task. Acceptance resumes the enemy’s suspension on your destiny with God. Don’t be on pause anymore. #PressPlay #Play4God

I was too DONE with life in an EXTRAordinary way after this message was completed. The presence of God was so massive last night it felt like the excitement of Christmas morning!! My favorite celebration ever!!! Yesterday, was definitely one of the greater moments of 2014. My spirits definitely needed that gift of uplifting because my grandmother’s health is ailing unfortunately.

This past Thursday, I went up to my sister’s house, where my grandmother lives. I originally went there because my niece had her adorable Thanksgiving party. My usual routine when I get to my sister’s house is to go straight to my grandmother’s room and kiss her up. When I saw her she looked so frail and weak I got choked up and literally fought back tears. To see her struggle to take in oxygen when I said hi granny she looked at me and smiled and said hi darling. I kissed her and whispered to her I love her very much. I left before I collapsed in agony. I sensed she was in so much pain it literally broke my heart. My grandmother suffers from dementia, Alzheimer and was diagnosed with heart failure last year. The doctors told us that she wouldn’t make it to her 90th birthday. My grandmother turned 90 last month. #Hello there’s what man says and then there’s God. God will always prove us wrong!

Despite these blessings seeing my grandmother in that state felt very different this time. I felt acceptance from her as if she’s ready to move on from this Earth. Understanding this concept and writing this entry caused me to just finish balling like a baby because I got images of amazing times with my grandmother and just remembering her laughter. As a kid and even a teenager I spent years just being angry with life, a lot of that anger was centered at her and being confused; generally not understanding everything around me. That’s what the enemy can do to us… distort the reality and play on insecurities but more importantly feeds and breeds on confusion. We all lived together: my grandmother, dad, mom, sister, brother and me at one point. Then we split and I just didn’t get it. For the longest it was hurtful and bugged me so much that my family was split up. Then the hurt turned into anger. Reflecting back now as an adult what wasted energy and time. All I can do now is focus on the now and the fact I love my grandmother so much and think she’s a phenomenal God fearing woman and I’m blessed to share genetic markers with her.

My grandmother is the strongest woman I have ever been blessed to be around. She’s the epitome of a fighter. She’s holding on and there’s a part of me that questions if she’s doing this because of how much we all love her and her believing we may not be okay with the idea of her passing. My grandmother is the type of woman that would walk through fire for her family. She is the type of woman that would grow supernatural strength to move a bus with her bare hands. My grandmother has been blessed with two daughters, six grandchildren and three great-grandchildren in the 90 years she’s been walking on this planet. She’s the matriarch of our clan. Everyone looks up to her and admires her. She is truly adored. The idea of not having her on this planet is unfathomable on one hand for me. However, at some point we must all exit Earth. I believe that God has blessed me with the strength and acceptance to be okay somehow despite balling like a baby just now. I thank God for the amazing creator and Jesus every time I remember to do so. I have been praying for a spirit of peace and acceptance for my family with Jojo*. It was also awesome to ask my SubD family to pray for my grandmother as well. SubD stands for set up and breakdown, which is a division I serve on at MVMNT with some super amazing people. Any beautiful readers out here who took time out of their day (or night) to read this entry, thank you. I pray these words were only uplifting and that you are always seeking the spirit of peace and acceptance from within always. If you can throw in prayers for my family as well that would be greatly appreciated. God loves us all so much. Be blessed world. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

* name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Leaping…

It’s been some days since I’ve put words into existence. For someone who loves getting lost in the realm of writing. My consistency has been experiencing a drought of sorts. The words have been accumulating and festering in my cerebral circumference. My fingers have been itching to move so perhaps their excited in this present moment. There are a few events that has occurred since my last written expression. Where to begin? I’ll do what’s best on this path called life that belongs to Jesus Christ: take that leaping faith and let the Spirit lead me.

A few weeks ago I went to a woman’s one day conference in DC. The title of the organization alone sold me. The Woman’s Federation of World Peace. Growing up, I always had a deep longing for this world to be a place of utopia. A place where we all just love one another and be there, the way God intended it when he created it. Children have a perspective that isn’t contaminated by life experiences that birth emotions such as being jaded, closed-off or even an isolator. The polluted names are endless and these are just to name a few. Children just love from a bold and pure place. I’m a firm believer that kids will always get it right with being fearless. I learn so much from them. I’m so blessed God put in my heart a passion and patience to educate the youth. It’s a humbling honor. The concept of being childlike makes more sense as time passes. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. As hard as it is, going back to basics is the only way to true peace. We don’t serve a God of confusion or disorder but a God of peace and love.

That brings me back to the initial spark that drove me to travel 11+ hours going and coming via truck to a one day conference on leaping faith. Even before I surrendered my life to Christ, I always believed in nothing being an accident. Now walking proudly with Jesus, this notion has been proven to be a fact. God does not lie. The way I got invited to this conference was an interesting entity. My neighbor approached me at a bus stop near my house as if she fell from the sky. Let’s call her Mary. Mary came up to me right after I was praying to God asking him how to better pay attention to his signs and to just obey them without needing to do more than say yes. I still have researcher tendencies that aren’t given much life because God is graciously wrestling with me. Worldly Crysta liked to be prepared on some level if possible. The first thing that Mary said to me was, “I was just thinking of you. I want you to come with me to DC next Saturday to a day conference that you’ll benefit from.”

I looked at her at her thinking Brr? Error error input error What’s life…? (That was fast God) as if my brain transitioned into a computer that could not read a disk. I STILL wondered if I should say yes. God speaks to all of his children in different ways. God speaks to me in a few ways, one of them through visions. God also answers us when he feels like it and he can do that because he’s the King of Kings. Everything begins and ends with him. So I was expecting him to say a direct yes or no to me. Of course he didn’t. I took that leaping faith and said yes. Mary went on to explain this conference is $50. I told her I can’t come because I didn’t have the money. She offered to pay for me and did pay for me. My funds are limited because I work part-time and get paid monthly. I’m not complaining whatsoever I know there are tons of sibling in Christ out here without work still. Keep pushing forward; God has a plan and is so faithful. I’m beyond blessed that God called me to an organization where I get to work with amazing kids everyday as an online tutor. I love all of them so much.

The prideful side that I thought died completely wanted to pay back Mary and informed her that I will but she ignored me and dismissed what I said. God used her as a vessel to just get me to be in the spirit of obedience without hesitation or in my case do research. I actually had no desire, surprisingly to do any type of research. I just said yes without knowing the reason. That is only the work of God. Despite my walk with Jesus having a shorter time span in terms of Earthly reality, God has guided me through a lot of emotional and spiritual experiences. The more I keep my eyes on God the more he stretches me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. Holding onto my leaping faith in him keeps me going and secure during the turbulence. And God has instilled specific gifts in all of his chosen children throughout the world. We. Are. All. Chosen…whether we are currently walking with Jesus or not.

Leaping faith and walking with Jesus is all new. Some of the revelations that God shows me freaks me out and usually Jojo* talks me off the ledge or we pray it out together. God has blessed me with such a God-fearing beautiful sister and best friend in Jojo* She’s my family. I’d take a bullet for her. I’d “lovingly” fling someone across the room for her. God is a genius for making us spiritual twins to experience this walk together. Because I would’ve felt ‘crazy’ and if I am; at least she’s ‘crazy’ with me. Being in this world with the emotions of isolation swimming inside of you shifts your trajectory from living to existing. It’s a lonely place that no one should ever feel. Jesus is always with us so we can never be alone. God doesn’t work or love in the lane of any negative emotion, especially isolation. God is love. It’s that pure and simple.

God blessing me with certain gifts allowed me to see and pick up things as I did at the conference, which occurred on October 25th. What I saw seemed as though they were only for my eyes. When moments like this occur I usually believe I’m conjuring my surrounding and I repent Lord, if that’s upsetting to you. Hold me accountable and call me out on the nonsense with the vessels you surround me with like Jojo* I couldn’t text Jojo* during the conference because I don’t own a mobile device. It took a while for me to grasp that God was testing me. I pray that I passed. If I didn’t my faith in him ensures me that he has examined and picked apart my heart. God knows my life and my heart belongs to him first and foremost.

As I was being wrestled with during the conference, what I gathered from this organization is their foundation is to promote world peace and educate humanity on having God as the center of everything. When my ears carried those words to my brain my soul skipped a beat and I suddenly felt giddy to be there and ready to take notes. However, when the vice president of the organization came up to the podium, something inside of me went brr error error input error and that confused me. As she started speaking, understanding started penetrating within. I have experience doing door to door sales. In fact, both Jojo* and I do, which I might have mentioned in previous posts. We left that world well over a year ago, almost going two years for her, two for me by next spring. It’s quiet possible that it was a combination of God’s revelations of my gifts and my ears being sensitive to a sales pitch or what can appear to be a sales pitch. God has babbled me to remember exactly what was vocalized so the paraphrased version was my ears hearing selling God. I felt like I short circuited. Brr error error input error moments kept happening.

I’m no expert whatsoever on this walk and I’m constantly learning that it is all about glorifying God. There’s no room for anyone or anything else to be seen. So we pick up the cross and die in self everyday. This beautiful task is easier said than done. The world has various seductive attempts to suck you in (or back in for me.) I’ve expressed to God over and over again that I would rather be zapped back into dust or beamed into a cage full of hungry lions than be sucked back into the eternal abyss of worldly lies. God’s wrath is something worse than death or anything man can experience. Being buried alive is better; anything is better truthfully. So as I sat in this conference struggling to stay in the spirit of obedience, I pleaded with God to help me in this area. The next segment had five beautiful women who came and spoke on a panel. Two of them spoke life into my soul that was dulling. These women identified themselves as vessels. The whole time they were speaking, the light of God was so brightly glorified. They were on fire for God. Lord, I pray that you continue to protect these women and keep them blazing for you. God didn’t bless me with that rejuvenation and the best part of that conference for no reason.

On the ride back to NY there was a reflection discussion. I didn’t talk much. Not because I had nothing to say, it was because God continues to wrestle with me on the time and place with my delivery. Worldly Crysta was feisty and always had something to say. God’s like fall back stay in your lane as I teach you how to be a Biblical woman that grows into a Biblical wife. I really didn’t want to answer the question so I begged God to be skipped. Of course, I wasn’t so I asked the Spirit to lead my words and on leaping faith I started speaking. I expressed there wasn’t enough glorifying God. “Man” was more of the focal point. That’s dangerous and a trap to fall into the enemy’s clutches. I also said it confused me to see such a powerful presence of women leadership and a deeper desire to teach other women how to be a leader. The closer I get to God personally, the more I understand that as a woman I’m supposed to be lead by my future husband. The only CEO title we should have is Chief Encouraging Officer as the wife. I heard silence and was mentally concerned about that being too much. After a while I heard feedback is important. There was also an awkward tension in the van so I blurted out that my best friend Jojo* and I are bloggers. The energy shifted to excitement and I’m not sure what that revelation will reveal. Only God knows. God wants me to continue to allow the Spirit to take over and guide me through candidacy. Because without God’s permission I adopted this see and don’t see concept. I never ran this by God. I repent Lord, and I pray that you keep wrestling with me in this department and any other department despite my discomfort. As long as you keep leading me God, I will continue to muster up the strength to rebuke the enemy’s lies through your grace.

We got back to NY pretty late. Church was the next morning. The previous Sunday, Jojo* and I missed services because we did The Breast Cancer Walk. We did it for all our beautiful sisters through the world. We also did it in the memory of my late grandmother. I know she’s watching over me and everyone I love like the guardian angel she is. I love that we also did the walk for two of my dad’s sisters and one of my sister’s best friends. Jojo* and I prostate every morning and every night. We speak into existence the spirit of healing for these beautiful women. They are healed. My leaping faith grows by the second through God’s amazing grace. #TeamChurchAllDay but missing church for such an amazing cause was so worth it. It would be nice to say that there was sadness only because our souls weren’t fed but that’s not entirely true. Jojo* and I did miss seeing Jackson* and Harper* as well. It should not still be a brr moment that Jojo* and I miss guys that we’re on #TeamExchangeTwoWords #TeamBacktoBasics and #TeamChildlike is the real deal on this walk. Last Sunday we were excited to be fed and go on that #TeamJustLooking swag with the guys. When Harper* walked near Jojo* and I, he said hi to Jojo* and completely ignored me. That hurt my feelings to the point where it threw off my worship swag. I can usually zip myself in this invisible bubble and go in lala land. I hear the music in my head. It’s just me and Jesus. To an outsider I look off beat/key and I could care less. Jesus loves me quirks and all.

It really bugged me that I couldn’t switch my hurt feelings to anger to shut out the pain. That was a bad habit I was able to execute before Christ, and I believe there was some residue even after I surrendered my life to Jesus. Last Sunday God was like you’re done. God made me realize that this was an area that I was trying to control. God is in control of everything. I want no control over my mind, heart or Spirit. Everything belongs to God. I’m grateful that God guided me to write an audio post on this discovery on my tumblr page. Instead of shutting out my feelings I prayed it out to God during worship. Everything felt so off. I couldn’t hide in my invisible bubble. Jojo* expressed that bubble needed to be popped. I wasn’t trying to hear her and was short to her. She was also trying to console me because she realized my feelings were hurt and that made me want to cry. I begged God to just give me that and not let me cry. My experiences with crying has never been good except when I surrendered my life to God and joined BT and MVMNT. God as the center of everything I know that any tears he’s holding my hand through them.

It was a completely different mindset I possessed one year ago. I was new to then transitions, transitioning from a life of sin to a life of purity and recovering from a breakdown that I experienced because I had a clock in my head that said I needed to make a certain amount of money and be married already. Sometimes God breaks you down so that he can build you up for a break through. All God wanted me to do was look up. God has been trying to get my attention for over a decade but I was so stubborn. I’m so unworthy of his love, patience and attention. He had so much more faith in me then I ever had in myself. God had enough faith that last year I would have finally looked up at him and I did. I was so done being dead on the inside and consistently willing death on myself. He’s healing me through this process and I’m so grateful for that. I only find worth in God and my life is worth living only for Jesus. I dedicate my life for God’s will and I pray it’s to shower other siblings in Christ out here with vocalizing my testimony and life experiences and showering them with the love of God. God designed us to love one another and be here for each other. It’s so freeing to be completely raw and unedited with God. I’m honestly glad that Harper* hurt my feelings because it drew me closer to God. It increased my leaping faith even more. It gives me a deeper desire to express my experiences even more and just be the vessel that God wants to use me as. I’ll keep praying that one day everyone will experience intimacy with God. He wants that for all of his children. There’s power in praying so Jojo* and I will stay #PrayedUP.

Working part-time is truly a humbling blessing and getting paid every month teaches me how to live in the leaping faith lane on a daily basis. My best friend Jojo* isn’t working but God is so faithful we’ve been praying this out and God will open that door for her. She’s staying diligent and obedient to the Lord. It’s awesome seeing her growth. If I have, then she has. I’m like this with anyone I love. God is wrestling with me to learn how to balance this desire and understand he’s the fixer not me. In 2009 I was blessed to be able to go back to school at Berkeley to obtain my BA and started a new position at an immigration law firm. I was making ‘good money’ at the time my family was going through some fiscal hardship so I held down the fort to the point where responsibilities that normally weren’t mine were on my lap and I felt the pressure. Again, I didn’t consult God in this desire nor did I consult him through the process. I’m sure there were signs he was trying to get me to see that I didn’t understand or grasp. I feel into a deep depression because I felt so alone. I thought I had to ‘figure it out’ God attempted to grab my attention by shaking up my situation in a big way. Back then the economy was going through ‘corporate reconstruction’ and Crysta got the boot. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. God wanted me to never fall into the trap of chasing money and I did. I’m so glad that last year was the final attempt of getting my attention. Abba, I’m all yours and nothing will come between this fact.

I don’t have a phone because I can’t afford one. I have credit card debt because I used to be a people pleaser and ‘fixer’ and I’m no longer ashamed to admit any of this. God wants us to be here and hold each other down but God also wants us to move on his time and his terms. The wrestling is real and uncomfortable but oh so worth it. God is the best provider and protector any human being can have. No one can love you ever the way God can. I’ll proudly keep begging to die in self and have God have his way. I’ll keep taking moments of confusion, doubt, hurt or anything else not love, to God. I’ll keep promoting leaping on faith. I’ll continue to pray out to God to show me how to understand him better and follow him better. I’ll keep stretching out my arms no matter what. Most importantly I’ll keep praying for my beautiful siblings in Christ throughout the world to experience the greatness of God. Nothing is impossible to God. God loves all of the beautiful readers who took the time out of their day or night to read this post. Never forget that. Love, Crysta the vessel. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Fictional names…#TeamProPrivacy

Movement (MVMNT)

What exactly is a movement? Is it just a word that can be found in various versions of a dictionary? Sure on the surface level any naked eye can see with tools like glasses, binoculars or some other object that’s not popular. When I think of the word movement multiple expressions and emotions formulate in my cerebral circumference: wrestle, wrecking, discomfort, challenged; the phrase that sticks out the most is take a leap of faith.

My church has many anointed Pastors that are brilliantly used as vessels to preach and spread the good news. I love and appreciate all of them. There is just something about Pastor Delina however, that sticks out when he ministers. His animation takes his messages to another spiritual dimension. My hands feel like they can fall off from writing down his pearls of wisdom. He’s actually the Pastor that gave me one of the greatest images of taking a leap of faith. I’d describe the message but I wouldn’t want to risk ruining the artistry.

I love art in all forms and can truly find art in anything, the entity fascinates me. That Sunday Pastor Delina painted a picture with his words. It was also the same Sunday I did a heart check and dug in areas of my life I felt (at the time) needed me to take a leap of faith in. I’m so appreciative of breathing and the small miracles God gives me everyday like movement. This amazing walk with Christ is a gift because God’s grace is why I’m no longer the complete wreckage I was a year ago. It’s been almost a year since both Brooklyn Tabernacle and MVMNT (Movement) have entered into my life. God is SO GOOD! I’m in awe of how he used my best friend, spiritual twin, and sister Jojo* as an active MVMNT to not only want to live again but get toxic people like Anderson* and the others out of my life. For new readers, Anderson was a boy that was in my life during my broken mess and I thought I loved him. I also thought I was in a relationship with him when in reality I was seeking validation from a mortal human who was also broken. I thank GOD every chance I get that my soul is now anchored to the only validation I care for: GOD. God is first in my heart and he will always be first in my heart no matter what.

I will never forget my first experience at what is now called MVMNT (Movement.) I felt the presence of God. Before that moment I always pondered if I ever will. I grew up in a Roman Catholic Church, which I’ve mentioned in past blogs.Everyday is a gift and everyday we grow in this walk with Christ whether we’re ready for that fact or not. Going to church as a kid never made sense to me because we praised God with our mouths closed. After mass my parents would yell and fight with each other sometimes and that was not synonymous with the Bible so I thought everything was a lie. Younger Crysta also found a kick out of “confessions.” We confess our sins to a fellow sinner? How exactly does that make sense to a kid? It didn’t so I checked out mentally as a kid and attended those services with my family until I was old enough to say no. That was around the time the birth of see and don’t see or me going into lala land moments developed.

I truly love my family but there’s so much dysfunction with addictions left and right and the chase of money. When I open my mouth to come from a place of love, I’m accused of judging as I stand on a soap box. I would never do that because I’m a broken sinner who had some truly dark days. I’m only alive kicking and healthy because I have a savior named Jesus Christ. I’m an ordinary woman chasing an extraordinary God who moves mountains. Nothing is too big for God. I’m so humbled and in awe as his daughter that I can take everything to him. I’m in awe that I was adopted into his kingdom. He has wrestled and wrecked me so much this past year. I went from worrying myself through eating disorders and suicidal depression over money, validation but mainly a fear of being unloved. Today I’m so confident in God’s love that the bondage of shame I felt for my past is broken. Why? Because I truly understand my walk is his testimony. Everything that I experienced was predestined to be used for God’s will and that truly humbles me. I’m honored to #GOLOWER I do say yes to everything and anything that God directs me to do.

Feeling the presence of God was not the only expression I felt at my first MVMNT meeting last year. My eyes immediately zeroed in on this handsome man. At the time I didn’t know his name. What stood out to me was I didn’t want to pounce him and jump his bones. That left me baffled because I didn’t understand (at the time) what I felt for him or what our connection was. I was still Worldly Crysta back then so in her confused brain she thought one can only feel a ‘romantic connection’ through sex. I didn’t want to have sex with this guy; I wanted to know him as a man of God. I wanted to just be in his presence. So I tried to box out this guy and just focus on God. I said to myself, “Mm, this is doesn’t make sense, whatever.”

The next MVMNT meeting I sat at the back waiting on Jojo* and she was late and I was so pissed off. I was ranting in my head how badly she sucks at life. I was truthfully hurt that she was late because I saw her lateness of her not caring about me. It took me a long time for me to admit that to her. Instead, I was a not so nice cold person. I’m so GRATEFUL to God that he’s wrecked me and continues to wreck me to express how I feel especially when I’m hurt. Somewhere in the middle of my mental rant the guy I felt this unknown connection to sat right next to me. I immediately became calm and I said to myself, “Oh it’s that guy I look at, wait why am I looking at him? Wait why do I want him to look at me back? Wait what about Anderson*?” After that last mental question he got up, left and like clockwork Jojo* came and sat down. I believe she was apologizing but I wasn’t registering her fully. I was trying to comprehend what just occurred between me and that guy. Of course I chalked that up as something that ‘just happens.’

Several services passed until a MVMNT transpired between myself and this guy. MVMNT services has something called face time where there is a clock of 2 minutes and we introduce ourselves to as many people as possible. I was looking for the guy and I couldn’t find him so I told God, “God where’s that guy I always look at, I want to know his name.” Not even a second later the handsome guy comes and introduces himself to me. Let’s call him Harper* I never forgot his name ever since that moment. On a very dweebie level I replay that moment in my head like a school girl crush. If I’m truthful with myself since day 1 I always felt a connection to him. I always thought there was something between us but I didn’t understand it or trust it so I took it to Abba. As time went on I realized that I developed feelings for him, which made zero sense to me. How do you start catching feelings for a guy that only shook your hand? Yeah okay, that’s not possible right? That’s what I thought. I started having dreams and visions about a future with him. I ignored that too. So God kept showing me signs. Since I was being his stubborn daughter.

God kicked the signs up a notch…I started feeling Harper’s presence before making eye contact with him. Anytime he’d enter a room or was near I’d know because I felt him. I thought I was conjuring that as well but the butterflies and lightheaded emotions Harper makes me feel I didn’t make up. I kept asking God to help because I thought I was going nuts. How do you fall for a guy you shook hands with once? I went even harder reading the word, praying and I was still seeing him in my dreams. I’ll never forget on August 20th (my sister’s birthday) I was watching #POLA with Jojo  and Lady Lavetta said she was called into ministry before she got married. Then Lady Christy said just focus on the vertical and I felt like I was on fire as I repeated ‘oh my gosh’ because Harper’s name was popping in my head. Jojo said I was getting confirmed of course I ignored her and said “Yay, the retreat is in two days.”

The retreat even though it was back in August, felt like it was yesterday. One of the best weekends of my life to be around that many beautiful souls loving God? I wish that weekend was longer. I want to go back. God made movements at Lake Champion and when we came back to the city we came back with a radical movement of God. The ministry changing their name was so fitting. I came back a changed woman of God. I accept my love for Harper even though it scares me. When you love you want to be loved back. Despite that, I realized me loving Harper was bigger than me because God put him in my heart. God put him in my heart so I can pray hard for him the way I’ve been doing. God needs me to love him from afar for now. God needs me to pray that he keeps radical and focused on the Lord so that no mortal ever comes between the bond of Son and King. Harper seems like an amazing man of God. I’d love to get to know him so we can read his favorite scripture together, pray together but most importantly grow in God together. I only want all of this through God’s direction and will.

Worldly Crysta used to “take matters into her own hands” I’m so glad she’s dead. Sadly, just because she’s dead doesn’t mean there isn’t residue that attempts to make it’s presences known. God has revealed to me that I’m not supposed to initiate conversation with Harper. I’ve actually tried God, and he’s proven he’s Alpha and Omega (I repent, Lord.) Every time I tried someone came into his path or mine. So I finally got it and said, “Okay God, he has to come up to me. I understand.” That isn’t something I’m used to. I used to approach and have ‘tunnel vision’ and have an eagle eye on what I wanted. Harper makes me feel like an inexperienced teenager who has no clue what to do next. God needed me to be humbled in that area and to understand the true role of a Biblical woman who later becomes a Biblical wife. Women don’t court, men do. I never understood that concept but the more I read the word the more things click. I trust God to lead me through this process because I have no idea what ‘getting it right’ looks like or even what’s next.

Whatever occurs next I know God will be directing both Harper and myself, as well as Jojo and Jackson*. Jojo and Jackson are in a similar situation. Jojo is taking all of this in a lot better than me. Thank GOD. It’s adorable to see Jojo become giddy when she stares at Jackson. I truly get a kick out seeing Jackson fight not to stare at Jojo. They’re fools that entertain me. IT’s such an adorable process. I also think it’s adorable Harper makes me feel like a blubbering dork sometimes. Or the fact I just want to grin and never stop when I see him. I look forward to seeing him at church and at MVMNT. For the entire month of September, MVMNT has been doing a photo challenge, which I thought was pure genius. It allows us to get to know one another on grander scale. A few days ago, Harper posted a picture of a mouth watering burger that had me slightly salivating. I sort of wanted to go in the screen and take the burger. I got somewhat excited that I almost dropped my laptop. God and food just make sense; they always have and they always will. In the process of my slight excitement, I accidentally liked his picture and freaked out to the point of where I undid my like. I went very left with my thoughts. I didn’t want God to think I was trying to take matters into my own hands because I wasn’t. #TeamLoveFromAfar is what God wants that’s what he’ll get. What does one do when they freak out? They call their best friend, Jojo. She told me to take a chill pill and pray it out. I did, and the next day I heard leap of faith. That’s what I did with Harper, I saw something I liked it without freaking out. I do want Harper to approach me and speak to me. I genuinely want to develop a friendship with him he seems like such a dope man of God and definitely good company. I only want him to come up to me in God’s timing and when he’s ready. I’ll wait. What God has revealed to me shows me that he’s definitely worth the wait. I’m learning as I go just like the rest of us on this walk with Christ. God’s wrecking me with being more vulnerable on such a massive scale like this. It’s somewhat liberating. Challenge yourself beautiful readers to do something that makes you uncomfortable. It’ll be scawesome!!! (scawesome=scary awesome or awary works too) God loves you so do I. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names were changed for privacy purposes.

Revival

       God is truly my compass. I will always find my way home because God points north. I’d be nothing and still the walking dead without the salvation of Jesus Christ. Dying in self felt like the best direction God could have ever guided me to. Nothing tops that. I’m still breathing by the Grace of God so there’s a small possibility that it could be topped one day. I doubt it. God revived me because of his patience and faithfulness. I’m so humbled and so in love with my Savior that I was loved so much. Jesus’ blood cleaned me white as snow.

       The gift of the Holy Spirit, the same Holy Spirit that resurrected Jesus Christ, lives within me because I died in self on June 1st. Technically, we as humans get older because time moves forward and that constant covers many aspects of this path called life. With that said, I know I’m a new person through the Spirit within. Worldly Crysta died in the water that day. Sin lost it’s power and hold on me. I publicly declared I walk with Jesus until my last breath on this planet. Even in this confidence, I do have lingering emotions of Worldly Crysta. These emotions feel like the aftermath of a mint in my mouth I long ago finished. But the flavor faintly stings on my breath. As a growing Christian that raises an eyebrow and birthed a recurring thought: Did Worldly Crysta really die?

       Even with my tunnel vision set on Jesus, is it normal for me to have questions? My compass is pointing only on Him. And because there’s been a revival within, I’d rather jump off a cliff than disappoint Jesus or do anything that’s not to his liking. On one hand, this wonderment feels as though it’s an outer body experience, as if Worldly Crysta was someone toxic to my starving spirit. And the sinful dark ways she practiced kept the Spirit so malnourished. Now that Worldly Crysta is gone, the spirit within sparked, is now on fire and roaring like it’s supposed to.

       I give all the Glory to God. I wouldn’t be standing, breathing, or thriving as a new woman; a woman in the physical sense because of that unchanging fact of time moving forward but in the same breath I’m a newly spiritually revived child of God that’s lit on fire. I may be an 80s baby but in my spiritual sense I was ignited on June 1st 2014, my public declaration to Christ. Just like a newborn, babies cannot eat solid food yet because they physically can’t; too much too fast is harmful. It could literally kill them. As Paul describes in the Bible the nourishment of the Spirit living within, too much too fast can be harmful. That’s why newborns are fed with formula or breast milk. That nourishing liquid helps them grow at their pace. To appropriately nourish the Spirit within, I pray, I listen to worship music, I go to church, and I read the amazing word. I’m so eternally grateful that God used Jojo to guide me to Brooklyn Tabernacle. It’s truly a special and life altering place that brought me back to life. And a special thanks to Transitions Ministry that usually happens every other Friday, but God blessed us with having the services every Friday this month.

       On June 13th, earlier, Transitions kicked off a three week Friday event called #FultonStreetRevival. We were blessed to have Pastor Francis Chan as a guest speaker. I never heard of him before Transitions introduced me to him, this man is being used so amazingly by God. I pray God continues to bless him and his beautiful wife Lisa as they continue to do God’s work. When he speaks you cannot help but be inspired. This past Friday, June 20th we had Brooklyn Tabernacle’s Senior Pastor Jim Cymbala. He’s such a straight shooter. I appreciate that a lot. He taught me a newer perspective of the word revival… to be brought back to life to do what? To just say yay God’s awesome and do the Hallelujah dance?? No we weren’t revived to do just that. We were revived to help our fellow brothers and sisters with something as small as a prayer, which can move mountains. I can’t wait until this Friday to see how Pastor Todd will wrap up this revival. I could write about how amazing Transitions is, however to experience it is so much better. Anyone in the downtown Brooklyn area should check it out this Friday, June 27th at 7 pm at the main entrance of Brooklyn Tabernacle. Transitions is a young adult ministry (ages 19-29) but this three week event has no age limit.

       In a lot of ways I see my love for writing as a another channel for me to speak to our amazing Savior or for him to use me to speak to anyone that reads these words. It personally helps me to write out words that swim in my mental sphere, which doctors named our brain. But it was God that was the true Creator. How else would the doctors be blessed with the knowledge and ability to stumble on the many discoveries that they do? That spark of uncovering ignited through the Grace of God. Whether everyone on this planet called Earth believes it or not. Jesus died to save all of us. God loves all of us and sees all of us as his children. The same Spirit that resurrected Jesus, lives in me and can live in all of us if we take God’s hands of everlasting love and life. God is the Creator of all things good. He left us with a blueprint and it’s called the Bible.

       You can choose to let our beautiful Creator guide our every step or you can spend your temporary days chasing and believing in the things God warned us not to get caught up in: money, addictions in all their forms or practicing sexual immorality. It’ll never be satisfying long enough. Your eyes will wander eventually and you’ll start chasing something else that ‘pops’ in your head. The enemy is deceitful and comes in many forms. If your soul is anchored to God then your foundation is rock solid. The trials experienced in life won’t shake you but make you stronger and you will turn to God even more. Without a solid foundation with God, there will always be something clipped on replay of ‘I need more money then I’ll be happy.’ ‘I need a house, then I’ll be happy.’ ‘I need to get married and have kids, then I’ll be happy.’ the list goes on. Feel free to fill in the blank with whatever it is that best fits in your life right now.

       The beautiful eyes that are reading these words, I’m writing this to let you know I used to believe the same exact thing. That toxic relationship to God, that I was in with Anderson, Worldly Crysta couldn’t see God wanted me out of that situation. To Worldly Crysta it just ‘had to work’ because they had sex. She was tired of having sex with the dude that wasn’t her husband so she’ll just make this work. It doesn’t matter to Worldly Crysta that she’s drowning or so depressed this will work because that was the last draw. But the whole time God was like no, I love you so much, this is not what I want for you. Take my hand, surrender to me, repent your sins and your past is wiped clean. The moment that was clear to me I burst in to tears of joy and honor and I didn’t get why I was loved so much to be saved. But if talking about my messes saves someone then it’s worth it. I’d go through all that I did again if it means I stop someone from making a fraction of the mistakes Worldly Crysta did.

       Because Walking with Christ Crysta understand what it’s like to stand in Christ alone. I didn’t know when Worldly Crysta was alive. She was very very insecure and thought she was the scum of the Earth because she always carried a deep rooted guilt that she wasn’t strong enough or wise enough to preserve her body for her Husband. She was weak and fell into that trap of trying to be validated by men. SO who cares what happens to her. But God was like I care. That’s when the fog of my deep depression started clearing slowly and I noticed that compass that was pointing north. I always had validation from the only being that truly mattered. God. And I had it with me always. Guess what? I’m not the only one that’s already validated. If you’re reading this, you are too. Not by your surroundings but by our amazing and faithful Savior. Jesus’ blood washed us all white as snow. He traded his righteousness so we can be covered in it. And HE took our sinful ways so that we’re no longer enslaved to them. Disarming the enemy that still lingers and whispers to the souls that don’t belong to him. So don’t give the enemy anymore more power. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” Anything that isn’t centered on love is NOT the language of God. He only speaks in unconditional love.

       Every time I think about how much Jesus loved us it makes me want to burst. Of what? I’m not sure. It’s impossible for any human walking on this planet to love you more than Jesus loves us. Not even your Earthly parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and my siblings are my loves. But my First love and First priority is my agape love and relationship with Jesus. My eyes are fixed on Him and always will be. There’s no going back. As a growing child of God, it becomes clearer why its so imperative to nourish and put life into my personal relationship with Christ. Like milk and love keeps newborns alive. Christ’s love and growing this relationship keeps my Spirit within nourished, which keeps me alive after I died in self. To some, I may sound ‘preachy’, ‘crazy’ or whatever other label that comes to mind. This revival can’t be described; it can only be truly understood when you take that leap to reach out for God’s hand.

       When I reflect on how depressed Worldly Crysta was and how dead on the inside she felt. I think back on the fact she was ‘going through the motions’ instead of thriving on this planet she was surviving and passing through. She tried and did things because she saw those around her were doing it and thought ‘oh okay, guess it’ll make me happy.’ The ‘finding a good guy and then eventually getting married, if you cater to the good guy that deserves it. Etc.’ I’m talking about whatever that specifically entails to you. For me it was catering to their needs, sex. Doing what they liked, etc. But I realized all these qualities are gifts that only your husband should see. It took me 8 or 9 years of “dating” all the wrong men to see that. No man should see wifely duties (or vise versa , no woman should see husband duties) until you’re united as one through the House of Jesus Christ in Holy Matrimony. That’s the way God designed it. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed and draw a husband and wife closer. Anything being practiced that’s not matrimonial is a sin and could never ever be blessed by God. I breathe for God’s blessings and approval solely. Just like a newborn breathes on the feedings of their mother/caregiver.

       God has been so patient with me as he saw me take the long way to find my compass that lead me to him. But I see this theory with my flawed human eyes. To God though, my tests are now his testimonies. He knew and had so much faith in me that I’d one day take his hand. I don’t know how he knew that but he did. That’s why he’s God. That’s how he was able to use Jojo to pull me out of that dark place and sinful relationship with Anderson. And that’s why God used me to help Jojo see that holding a torch in her heart for an ungodly man wasn’t God’s will for her. This guy would never ever deserve Jojo. God spoke through me to relay that message just like God worked through her for me where I was internally drowning and I didn’t want to exist anymore. I knew it was wrong to take matters into my own hands, my life wasn’t created by me so who am I to take away. Worldly Crysta wished many times to disappear permanently. Don’t get me wrong. My dad tried to tell me that Anderson was bad news, but it was the typical I’m not listening scenario. He’s been gone from my life for 6 months. In that time he’s attempted to contact me, and every time I’d block him. I’ll continue to do so. “When the past calls don’t answer because it has nothing good or productive to say.” This sentence is fact.

       I wouldn’t trade anything if it means I’d be exactly at this moment. God revived me into a new creation. I live for God and to do only his will. He redirected and fixed my eyes to see Him. Is it easy and a smooth sail on this sea? No, in fact earlier today my mother pushed my buttons to the point of anger. I took a deep breathe and opened my Bible it immediately opened to the first book of Timothy. I read it and it removed the anger in my heart. All Glory to God!!! My soul is anchored to God now. My foundation is solid. For the longest time, as Worldly Crysta I had so much anger in my heart for my mother. I’ve been constantly praying about it so that God can turn it around because I love my mom. God chose her to be my Earthly Mother. As I draw closer to our Creator, my eyes catch so much brokenness around me and as I learn the word more and more I find myself wondering do I do more than just pray? Then I remember only God can turn it around so I guess I got my answer. As active Christians who strive to want to walk with Christ and continue to grow with him, we shouldn’t abuse: alcohol, food and definitely stay away from all kinds of drugs. Yes, Jesus drinks wine in the Bible but he didn’t abuse it and definitely didn’t turn to it when things got tough. Besides no one had it tougher than him when he was dying so your problems just pale in comparison. Especially since he died so that we can live. Jesus wants us to turn to him. He wants us to anchor our souls to Him so that our trials connect us even deeper to him and make us even stronger.

       Worldly Crysta didn’t know how to take everything to God. She had a ‘save me complex.’ In her mind she had to help those around her who she loved and would walk over fire over not to be Broken. But what she failed to comprehend was that she was just as Broken, if not more than those around her. Brokenness + Brokenness does not equal healing. As I write these words, I do wonder if Worldly Crysta was coming from a selfless place or a selfish place. Did she want to avoid looking in a mirror at all cost that she metaphorically broke every mirror that came her way? Did she want to at least save ‘one person’ even though in her mind she couldn’t be saved she was nonredeemable. Or were her actions a cry for help? I don’t know the answer to this day but my God does (and he can be yours too if he’s not yet.) Whatever the answer is, he thought I was worth reviving. The kicker is, God is on standby to bring you back to life too because we’re all worth saving to Him.

       As I continue to learn how to approach everything in only love, I realize that I still get upset from time to time. I’m flawed and will never be perfect, like ever. That’s fine. Back to my mom upsetting me earlier, I know I’m not supposed to understand this question but I’ll still write it anyway: Why is my mom so comfortable in what looks like to me a stagnant space where there’s no room for her to grow. To me it’s suffocating her. How can one grow as a Christian and still be stagnant? Like I don’t think it’s possible. Worldly Crysta used to be so upset seeing her level of comfort growing up as a kid, that it made her want no part of her mom’s “religion” She was like “um no thanks I’m good. Let me go over here and try and fit in.” That journey brought me right here. I’m an anomaly. I’m Romans 12:2. I’m not supposed to fit in. I’m supposed to be lit on fire as the Spirit within guides me to spread the word of our amazing Savior Jesus Christ with pride and no fear in my heart. I’m supposed to help my fellows brothers and sisters in Christ not because I have to but because it feels so so so good and right to do so. I’m supposed to be that example to the waivers and unbelievers in the power of faith. The power of what God being in your center truly does.

       That imaginary clock I had running down in my head is now gone. My eyes are fixed where they’re supposed to be because I have full faith and conviction that everything will work itself. All I need to focus on is my Walk with Christ. I no longer replay clips in my head: ‘the right man’ ‘the right job making the right amount of money’ or ‘my biological clock is ticking, I should be married with kids by now.’ They’re gone because I took God’s hand who was patiently waiting on me. And because I took that leap of faith he will ALWAYS protect me from glancing back or back peddling. I know this with conviction because we have a faithful and glorious God. His way is truly the best way.

       I honestly don’t know what you’re going through, for those that are reading this. I don’t know what your struggle is, what your battling, or even what or who your mourning if you are. I do know that your stronger than you realize, this moment is temporary and a season. It will pass and it will get better. God is with you. He loves you so much. Whether you believe that or not. He believes in you always. If you haven’t taken his hand yet do so. You will be so amazed at how radical things within you and around you start changing. This has to be complete surrender. You can lie to yourself, even lie to others but you can never ever lie to God. It’s one reach. One attempt to raise that white flag and you’ll be amazed at what’s on the other side. Will I continue to struggle with my emotions of course I will. But I’ll run to my Bible every time because my soul is anchored to God. My boat is in a disturbed sea suffering from turbulence but the boat is secure because my soul is securely anchored. I’ll keep feeding my newborn spirit it’s nourishment.

       I’m starting to understand now that my savior healed my heart that he’s revealing things when I’m reading to see and understand them. I’m being harvested so that my love language (which I discovered from The Five Love Language, By Gary Chapman, great book!) acts of service, is a gift from God to be used for his will not mans like how Worldly Crysta was doing. God didn’t give us gifts so we can selfishly use them on ourselves or for ourselves. It’s not an accident I want to take some of my siblings in Christ that I follow on twitter under my wing, especially the ones that feel unloved, and unworthy all things that the enemy used against them. But when you’re depressed you can’t see past your next step. Your so empty and hallow the numbness makes you strive to feel but in very bad ways. I pray that anyone who never experienced depression NEVER ever does. It sucks really badly. I want to protect others from pain. I’m a nurturer and very maternal but I’m not blessed in the realm of motherhood yet. Apart of Worldly Crysta just thought I was built ‘weird’ so I ignored the possibility of these being blessings from God. God is still teaching me and I’m the student learning to increase my faith by the second because I aspire to have faith like Jobs. I aspire to be humble like Paul. I aspire to have my eyes only see the way God saw all of us: lost sheep who need their way back home. I’ll only keep learning as I continue to nourish my Spirit and faith. I pray this helped someone out here. I’m always here if you want someone to pray with or talk to. I’m a growing Christian that won’t always get it right but I have an extraordinary God who is so unchanging and so faithful. Man, we are SO lucky!!! God bless you all. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.