Shaken


Dearest God,

Wow God how you lead me to biblically see exactly where I am still blows my mind. I truly believe I’ll never get accustomed to that. You lead me to chapter twelve in the book of Job. People do the most, and they definitely did the most in this chapter as well. The last few hours on the phone with Jojo* were so eye-opening. Thank you Jesus for trusting us with what you do, and giving us the strength to both walkthrough what we need to walkthrough. 

your daughter sees her stay

is no longer a toxic decay 

in that scandaled cancelled show.

your daughter’s projections 

are a deflection of emotional rejection.

Jojo knows it’s only a go in God’s Flow.

Jojo received what couldn’t be believed.

she who is me sees pointing the finger 

is the played out trigger no longer bigger.

Jojo walked through the bondage of curfews 

by the bullying ruses her father abuses.

money is the honey that made Jojo funny.

that chokehold unfolded boldly not coldly.

Jojo isn’t validated by her father’s lies

that he used to make this stake shake,

and break her on the inside where 

she fed the gear of fear for dying years.

God’s Revival is Jojo’s supernatural arrival.

Jojo’s father calculated verbal assassinated violation.

God advocated and activated Jojo’s liberation 

through the freedom in biblical wisdom,

because Jojo glows with God’s Kingdom.

The reasons in this treason is deceiving, 

and the sting of death is ineffective.

The Cross of Calvary sets Jojo free effortlessly.

Jojo is no longer shaken but whole and awaken.

I realized that you’re really answering my prayers lately God. I know you usually answer them because you’ve done so in the past; however I’ve been praying for conscious awareness to the setbacks of satanic attacks for the last few days. God you have answered these prayers so quickly. Thank you Constant One. I realized on the phone just now the correlation of Jojo getting into a fight with her father, is parallel to us always fighting. We both aren’t working: she’s at her parent’s house, and I’m where you placed me safely [unconventionally,] by divine design. Jojo and I are the type of women that hate people coming for us. We both been bullied and those experiences left us scarred. We both seen a lot growing up. We both feel the need to be prepared. We are both broken souls that you’ve supernaturally healed from becoming old and cold. Thank you Constant One. Thank you for the sensitivity to your Holy Spirit, where I caught the brewing fight that was about to occur between Jojo and I to be demolished. You’re a faithful and good father Lord.

the minting felonies in this broken melody

of the building with no godly wings stings.

there’s an unwelcome awareness for greatness.

there’s a decreasing releasing from 

the clone drones of fun in no sun.

your daughter has been removed 

in an unsold cold sale where her sins failed.

your daughter fought and bought for a building 

with no ability to be set free faithfully in harmony.

intentional to stay on replay decay & disobey.

God you used your daughter’s ruses 

to defuse the allegiance with the 

he you say is for me through the hue of 

the mutant scrutiny of that broken community.

Faith moves mountains and moved your son.

your son being the he that you say is for me.

your son is the he in your Stir: he + He + her.

she is me who’s the her you say will occur,

because you God always write three strands 

not man who plays god in spinning sin

of two strand quicksand facades.

he + He + her is Kingdom Math and your Craft.

God you lead me to chapter twelve in the book of Job, and it pierced me to heart check myself. You made me face leaders individually that I used to serve under when I had no desire to ever see them again. I’m thankful that I did experience both encounters, because I grew and drew closer to you God. Verses twenty to twenty-five of chapter twelve in the book of Job stood out the most for me:

“He removeth away the speech of the trusty, and taketh away the understanding of the aged. He poureth contempt upon princes, and weakeneth the strength of the mighty. He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death. He increaseth the nations, and destroyeth them: he enlargeth the nations, and straiteneth them again. He taketh away the heart of the chief of the people of the earth, and causeth them to wander in a wilderness where there is no way. They grope in the dark without light, and he maketh them to stagger like a drunken man.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭12:20-25‬ ‭KJV‬‬

You’re in control God. America is shaken about who’s currently in office. America is shaken about guilty murderers becoming acquitted. America is shaken about the latest and unfortunate attacks in Virginia. But you’re in control God. America is also banding together this morning in marches so far in Seattle, and in Massachusetts. The darkest journeys lead to the brightest Light. America is in dark days, and darker nights. Yet there’s no brighter Light than Jesus Christ. We are only better together. When it hurts enough we speak up, and stand for what’s right by fighting. The cold blooded murders lately has America hurting enough to march like Dr. King did in Alabama. The cold blooded murders have brave souls standing as leaders like JFK unapologetically did before he was assassinated like Heather Heyer was on August 12th 2017. America is angry enough to put aside the ignorant bondage known as racism to become one body by speaking up. Thank God that you’re a God that uses emotionally shaken for your glory. Thank God that these senseless deaths are not in vain, because America is using their pain for unified gain. You’re moving God. I’m so excited. I stand with my fellow Americans as well as the world to be unified as a humanity, because that’s the purpose of the Cross of Calvary. The Holy Trinity is the key to being set free, and the world is starting to see we are called to be one body faithfully. 

 

I love you Constant One. 

Love your 

lighter,

fighter,

and daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy 

Advertisements

Arrows 


Dearest Daddy,

Yesterday was intensely freeing. My anxiety was so high, and all I kept clinging to was your sovereignty Lord. I made it a mission to do the opposite of what leaning on my own understanding was: leaping in faith instead of choking in the strife of site. You woke me up like super early to look at the sermon my lovely sister Sia* sent me. God bless her sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. That sermon had so many hidden treasures that you’ve been telling me for years God. I just say yes and I won’t stop saying yes. Sia sending me that sermon freed me to walk through speaking up on an encounter that happened later that same morning. I say yes to you pulling me backwards as your arrow to take off, and soar your way not my own. 

the shallow array of arrows harrow

worldly weeds that fed the dead lead

in the streams of live feeds needs

in broken dreams for popularity seeds.

that’s an ugly backwards hat spar 

to be afar and aloof not abiding His Truth

to sink and drink stink drunken tar.

the slip and slide of lies are a misguide 

that hides the empty confetti inside.

humanity is a called community in unity.

those that grew cold and old 

now want to unfold in His Behold

because togetherness is Holy deliverance.

I let go of not having peace about how any of this season I’m waking currently looks. As soon as I embraced the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7,) that’s when I had to face my remaining chokeholds. That man coming up to me out of no wear, and blocking me from passing him triggered so much God. That moment triggered me not speaking up the moment I was raped at 19. I believe I couldn’t have at 19, and you covered me Lord. I’m so thankful I mustered the words, “Leave me alone,” to that man where he flew like an enemy. Being raped at 19 changed me completely. So did dating that African prince. The encounter with that man yesterday freed me from the last chokeholds that were attached to both my rape, and that verbal abusive relationship you walked me through Lord. Thank you King Jesus for the deliverance in healing me whole. I love you Lord.

daughter C couldn’t believe 

what her eyes couldn’t hide to see.

daughter C sees she who is me is free.

the broken sparrow trusts being His Arrow.

she who is me owns she’s very girly.

she who is me loves pink frilly.

she who is me loves to be silly.

she who is me loves her he dearly.

she who is me knows unapologetically.

she who is me understands 

that forgiveness is deliverance.

she who is me forgives daughter C.

It was a huge step to open up to a man when I’m in raw traumatic emotions. Thank you God for pushing me to finally see silence cannot be my broken scene. The more I spoke to your obedient vessel, who’s also my brother in Christ made me see I’m free from the chokehold of not trusting men. Then he opened up to me about his own struggle with the selection of oppression. Silence is oppression. After he finished praying for me, I saw I became free completely and so did he. Thank you King Jesus for the deliverance in both our hinderances. 

her King that makes her soul sing 

has her ready rings and healed all stings.

he + He + her is God’s Stir which is occurring.

she who is me and the her in God’s concur.

she doesn’t like her voice is His Choice

but she let go of what’s known for His Show.

she runs her race at His pace. 

she accepts the backwards pull 

because she’s His wool.

she will take off as His Arrow 

His Way not hers and waits 

for he + He + her to soar.

Witnessing that dog get hit by a car yesterday was very traumatic. I’m so thankful bestieship Jojo* was there with me. I could not walk through that without her. I needed her to be there. Jojo took the picture of me that was used for this blog post. She’s so talented. She has so many creative gifts that she’s now allowing herself to walk through. I’m so proud of her and glad she’s my sister. We also experienced a powerful breakthrough in our sisterhood yesterday. It slipped out my mouth that she traumatized me at our last job together. She was crying but she thanked me that I freed her. I’m free because I spoke up too. I’m also free, because I walked through my fear of becoming my mother if I ever witnessed death. That didn’t happen Lord. Thank you King Jesus for using that unfortunate display of the dog violently being beaten then ran in front of a moving car to free me. You used Jojo to push me to breathe. I felt your presence Lord, which gave me the courage to conquer that fear once and for all. Glory to God in the highest. My heart is so full.

Thank you King Jesus for being 

the security in my purity intuitively.

Thank you King Jesus for being 

my key that set me faithfully and unapologetically. 

Thank you King Jesus for reaching

by teaching me to dwell in the space

of grace upon grace for your Chosen.

I will always obey your way Lord.

Love your 

daughter, 

lighter,

& fighter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy 

anger

Daddy,

I don’t understand you God. 

I guess I’m not meant to.

You do the most with pruning & truth.

It’s not like I’m not fighting to rise.

Every time I hit a benchmark 

you throw me curveball God.

It’s starting to feel like 

a reel of twisted jokes that provokes.

Anger is an evoking chokehold.

I thought I conquered madder through anger.

Testing me financially isn’t a new to feed.

These five weeks I’ve learned to increase speeches.

I’m no longer in a throng of wrong or leeches.

I see I can rise above from areas unheard of.

But then you threw me in a lion’s den 

with this stupid charger breaking again.

Of course I snapped which feels like a setback. 

But then I took a deep breath, 

closed my eyes, and fixed my why

on the Light of Christ & choose to fight.

I started maneuvering the wiring and prayed.

I waited until you answered me to obey.

You said this is about my patience in stillness.

Okay so how do I grow to know in this area?

I’m tired of resulting in reacting, because 

it’s distracting. This hiss pauses Your Cause. 

I’m called to conquer my pitfalls, but this is hard.

It’s hard smiling when I don’t know what’s next.

It’s hard walking not by sight by being in the Light. 

It’s hard to choose love when no one wants Above.

It’s hard to choose love when rejecting 

is the rave humans crave in misbehave.

It’s hard being unpopular around drone clones.

I feel so alone in the biblical zone,

but I’m tired of reacting it’s distracting. 

So show me what to do God I want only You.

It’s about your way God so no more delays

in me feeding slums of sins that are tailspins. 

Like being madder through anger. I’ll never win.

Show me how to stop reacting it’s distracting. 

Show me how to conquer this pitfall. 

Show me how to finally give my all.

Show me how to be better with those around.

Show me how to drown out ungodly sounds.

Show me how to make You my Loud Cloud.

Show me how to tune out what’s not of You.

Show me how to finally see anger is behind me.

Show me how to not feed provoking toxicity.

Show me how to be still to grab Your Gills,

and choose to lose boldly not coldly patiently.

Show me how to not feed other’s chaotic weeds.

It’s a live feed I don’t need, believe, or receive.

Show me how to biblically flee from this scenery.

Show me how to be who You called me to be.

I only want what You have for me in it’s entirety.

I choose to be free faithfully and biblically.

Love your daughter. 

thirty

Dearest Daddy,

The way you’re preparing me is too real. How you have me in the same space with a reflection of who I used to be is so surreal. This is an out of body experience. If it wasn’t for your grace and mercy Creator, I would have never walked through that level of depression. I do have empathy for this woman I share a room with, but I won’t stand for her believing because I’m kind I can be taken advantage of. Thank you for the growth in handling that intense conversation, where she was intentionally provoking me to get upset by reacting to her comments. I’m doing my very best to not come off opinionated on where she currently dwells. To be quite honest reacting is something you’ve spend the last thirty days pruning out of me. I know I’ve slipped more times than I care to reflect on; however, I truly see that you’ve evolved me. 

I used to be that hopeless.

I used to be that messy. 

I used to be that negative.

I used to eat that unhealthy.

I used to be that cantankerous.

I used to be that emotional and uncontrolled.

I used to be that angry in irregularity barbarity.

I used to seek attention from anyone too.

But then I got tired of hopelessness.

But then I got tired of toxicity.

But then I got tired of being a fool in folly.

But then I got tired of being a dog in vomit.

But then I got tired of the ugly known.

It hurt enough to want the beautiful unknown.

I went in a zone to want more than drone clone.

The past thirty days has been a blessing in disguise. I truly got to detox from the unhealthy triggers that resulted in me always reacting in anger. My mother was my biggest trigger. My second biggest trigger is cigarette smoking. It’s very humorous the last few days you’ve put me around so many smokers. I thought I was going to snap, but when I laughed my anger left me. Of course my anger left after my tantrum no one paid attention to. Being away from my family that I’ve been around all my life the past thirty days, showed me so much about myself. It showed me I want more with my ribcage whenever he comes, and whenever we get married our marriage has to have three strands. It showed me that God has to be the center of my household. It showed me I have to be a guiding vessel to my children, and not a fearful mother raising them from my broken ideologies and the residue of cultural rituals in societal habituals. That’s not fair to my future household. The past thirty days showed me I am aggressively relentless to never be selfish. I never want to be a selfish wife, or a selfish mother. The only way to ensure that is to truly submit to all the work you are doing in me God. I say yes to the Holy Spirit always guiding and leading me.

The Holy Spirit has to raise my children. The Holy Spirit has to show me how to be a wife to my husband. The Holy Spirit has to show me how to love my husband. I cannot do this without the Holy Spirit as my Leader. My parents have a marriage of two strands that landed them in the shelter system, which is their quicksand. I’m so open Daddy to the work you’re doing in me. I love the daughter you’re changing me to be for Your Kingdom. I also love the Proverbs 31 woman you’re chiseling me to be for my ribcage you keep saying will come to me. I welcome it all. I completely trust Your Voice and your promptings, regardless what anyone says or what the highlight reels of social media attempts to protect in projecting facades. I see what you show me doesn’t match currently, because prophecy is still being fulfilled. 

I’m open to the abilities you’ve blessed me with. 

I’m open to the messages you lead me to do.

I’m open completely to Your Biblical Truth.

I will continue to follow the Light of Christ.

I will continue to spark the dark in the night.

As your vessel I’ll fight for what’s right.

As your vessel I’ll walk in faith not sight.

As your vessel I’ll wear the helmet of salvation.

As your vessel I’ll ensure my breastplate

of faith and love is on. Love is found Above.

Daddy I say yes to all that you want me lifting my sword in the layers of prayers for. I’m so quick to want to box people and cut them off. I never understood the fear of starting over. I leap for joy at that opportunity every time. It’s a new beginning of endless opportunities. Sticking it out gave me far more anxiety than leaving ever could. I do well with starting over. I don’t have any experience in sticking it out. After 4.4.14: my recommitment to you, routines gave me great apprehension and anxiety. Biblical routines allow us as your Chosen to breathe with ease. But worldly manmade routines are ungodly and suffocating scenes. Everywhere I looked it seemed like my vision evoked on the provoking chokehold of ungodly scenes. I felt like I was starting in the Christian version of The Matrix

My supernatural vision, became so much stronger as I kept chasing you harder. This all started after the DM from the man you say is for me, which I completely believe and receive now. He pushed me to chase you harder. He pushed me to only want you Daddy in everything that ever enters my space. That turning point in our DM exchange over two years ago, is the reason I’m the woman I am today. And I’m very thankful that you used everything he has to walk through, and what I have to walk through, to bring us both to being who we are called to be by our breakthroughs. Daddy you’re a genius. The revelation that I discovered yesterday was such an enormous breakthrough, and I’m so thankful that I’m freer. The more I let go of my ugly knowns the more I recognize how beautiful the unknown truly is. The more I see all I want is your will for me Daddy. 

she didn’t say no to him. 

she boxed love and God above.

this was during a time she couldn’t hide

in the eleventh month of twenty-thirteen

when her eyes meet the most beautiful man

she’s ever seen. the feels were so surreal.

she was shown beautiful bamboo who’s true.

she didn’t say no thank you to him.

she said no thank you to true love.

she tried convincing herself it wasn’t for her.

she never felt failure or fear with him.

it was quite the opposite, whenever 

they were together she saw light and love.

she only knew failure and toxic stagnancy.

she never wanted that for them so she ran.

he pushed her to grow up, and speak up.

he pushed her to walk through breakthroughs.

she’s a woman now in the final bow to allow

God to break all her chains for pain with gain. 

she no longer sleepwalks blindly in vain.

she felt when he let her go: seven o’four

of last year supernaturally, which brought tears.

that gear was what made her aware of fears

to no longer be stronger in weeds that bleed

in broken need that blocks fruitful seeds. 

he made her fearlessly believe in godly achieve.

she’s a biblical prophet who binds ungodly lies.

she’s a biblical prophet who looses godly truths

that alleviates the pressures of gestures of man

in the quicksand of ungodly land to withstand 

the Still Small Voice of God over fleshly facades

where the lair of sabotage stops playing god.

humans can’t lead us to what God achieves

through us from the transform of our reborn

from the conformities of societal mutinies

in the slums of sins of cultural scrutinies.

I just say yes to this thirty day detox. 

I just say yes to walkthrough my breakthroughs.

I just say yes to the he you say is for me.

I just say yes for praying for your Chosen 

when I don’t want to lift my sword, but

that makes me grow old and cold. 

I just say yes to boldly losing the world.

I just say yes to Your Ways not my ways.

I just say yes to this transformation,

because I’m dedicated to Holy Liberation.

I just say yes to being a biblical wife in life.

I just say yes to being a biblical guide that

will no longer hide what makes me die inside.

I just say yes Daddy for all the work being done.

I just say yes to be unsalted: no turning back.

I just say yes to conquering all satanic attacks.

I just say yes.

Thank you King.

Love your lighter, fighter, and daughter.

afraid

Dear Daddy,

Thank you Heavenly Father for continuously blessing me, and surrounding me with your angels. Every time I get frustrated or upset, you send a beautiful angel around me to remind me of your goodness. I was just blessed with an amazing conversation with one of your daughters, La* I always see her around when I’m not in and out of this place. And she’s always fighting to smile and be positive, which sharpens me every single time I see her beautiful face. I’m not always positive, and I’m definitely not as nice as she is. It’s inspiring to see, and pushes me to be a better human. 

We both woke up in the middle of the night on a quest of releasing in the bathroom. We both went to the bathroom on the fourth floor and it was flooded. We bonded over annoyance and laughed heading downstairs as we were doing the pee dance. We both walked into the third floor bathroom, which had a completely different set up, and reacted the same way. We agreed in unison: “why isn’t the fourth floor this nice!?” I made a joke, and said the third floor is like a five star hotel and she laughed. I didn’t understand why there was a pressing on my heart to make her laugh until a few moments later. We kept bonding and laughing, finally able to use the bathroom.  

La just told me she received a phone call that completely changed her life. She couldn’t sleep at all last night, because she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong. She tried calling her husband, and he didn’t pick up. He never not answers her calls, she thought that was strange but she didn’t think any of it at first. She was informed that her husband of sixteen years just passed away. They just made the decision to separate. They have a teenage daughter. She just came out the hospital for treatment of kidney stones. Her aunt just passed away and her funeral is today. Her father just got into a car accident. She’s in a shelter. Yet her beautiful smile radiates like the Light this planet desperately needs, because of so much darkness consuming the earth. I immediately hugged her, and told her she inspires me. Her radiant smile appeared again, and she laughed like I said a funny joke. I nervously laugh too. I become awkward at attention too. I see her clearly, because I recognize the signs. Compliments are like a root canal for me too. I made it clear she was an inspiration, and there was no joke behind that then she thanked me. I told her I’ll be praying for her. She thanked me so much. Her face lit up when I mentioned prayer and God. She told me seeing the third floor bathroom gave her so much hope and light. Her appreciation to the small details blew my mind, and made me push for more of that perspective too. 

Thank you Creator for being the Maker that is far greater. Thank you Creator for the small gifts that you bestow on all the souls on this planet. Like this amazing conversation with La, and that beautiful video of the bear and the dog showdown. You’re always speaking Constant One. We just have to be sensitive enough to see your many gifts throughout the day. I don’t know if I blessed La, but I know she just blessed me. I thank you God for giving me another soul to lift in prayer. Thank King Jesus for being a light that dwells in me, because I choose to believe and receive the anointing of salvation by wearing my helmet. I choose to walk by faith not sight, by putting on my breastplate of faith and love to spread the Light of Jesus Christ. 

Thank you for blessing me with Your Presence always, no matter what my left or right stirs up in strife. Like last night, when I slammed this Christian life. I was so fearful of coming back here too late, and losing my bed. But you lovingly walked me through my rampage of dread. You showed me God that there’s so much fear in my heart. Thank you for trusting me to be open to see what paralyzes me. Thank you for walking me through my constant window ledges of not jumping in my fears. God you always turn the dark to Light in Your Great Might. I’ll continue to surrender my fears, because you are my only anchor not the files in lying fears that’s been buried for years behind my painful tears.

I surrender my fear in what’s to come.

I surrender my fear of the unknown and 

no longer being stronger in cloning drones.

I surrender to being undone.

I surrender my fear of judgment due to

the current hue of my storm, which is 

truly a blessing in disguise 

by my dismantling pride 

of hidden lies that make me die inside.

I’m so afraid of people judging me, 

because I’m in the current space I’m in.

I’m so afraid of never getting back on my feet.

I’m so afraid of a man coming in my space, 

and judging me or worse pulling a rug from me.

I’m so afraid to fall in love.

I’m so afraid to allow people that broke my

heart with cruel words that I sometimes 

replay in the back of my mind, 

over and over again as a disgrace in my space.

Hurtful words feel like I’m dirt with no worth. 

I want to hide like a rewind of time.

I’m so afraid of allowing “them” back in my space again. 

•••

The space I create I trust and believe 

the “them’s” won’t ever hurt me 

with their words again. Distance is deliverance. 

My sister, and that man you say is for me

is far away from me so I can believe in my scene.

I’d rather run and make believe 

that no one has access where I can flee.

I’m so afraid I can’t bounce back from this,

and I’ll never find a job or a studio.

I’m so afraid people can tell I’m down and out,

and they’re going to tell me something mean:

like I smell, and this is typical for a black girl.

That’s why I don’t like going around people

until I get back on my feet, but you keep

making me go to a specific place to face

all my fears. I don’t like it. I don’t like it God.

I’m just so afraid God. I’m choking in fear.

But then you blessed me with this amazing 

conversation with La, and her light is so bright.

She pushes me to believe everything will be

more than okay and this setback is a setup. 

My prayer for that angel:

May you give her the words to ease this wordless blow of losing a father to their daughter. The daughter that you blessed her and her late husband with God. May this tragedy be the blessing their relationship needs to become closer, and run straight to serving you King of Kings. May these back to back storms draw her so much closer to the importance of who you truly are. May she see that you God are the only key she will ever need. May she have the strength to hold her head high, and attend this funeral in the beautiful light that she fights to keep bright. 

May you open the doors supernaturally like a boom boom boom parting the impossible Red Sea to I’m possible for those that believe. This angel deserves it and so much more. May this immeasurable amount of pain she’s feeling be the biggest gain, and her pending platform she will ever face for the Kingdom of God, and her growing God fearing space. May you protect her from all evils that try to make her die inside. May she only be around those that sharpen, and propel her to higher and higher. May she never lose your wonder in this painful thunder of wordless blinding blunders. May she always feel your overwhelming love coming over and under in her space that’s not a disgrace. May her rejection be seen as the godly protection that sets her completely free. May she find herself tucking safely under your wings from all these painful stings. May you always protect, and show her to neglect all ungodly prospects. May she be aggressively sensitive to the still small voice of your everlasting choice. May she always be childlike, and shine so brightly in the Light of Jesus Christ. May it be well in her soul.

Constant One, I don’t know if she’s saved or not but I pray this brings her to full throttle salvation. The signs are there. You want her to come to the light. She said she had hope over a bathroom that was nicer than what she was used to. That level of attention to detail is godly. It is biblical to appreciate the small miracles of you God, which this beautiful angel does. Keep preparing her to say yes to you God, and for her to never look back. I pray you give her the strength to let go of all those she needs to let go of. I pray she lets go of what she knows so she can grow and only know You God.

I don’t want anyone knowing what’s going on with me. But that’s not up to me. I try very hard not to feed that people are fake, and don’t care due to my hurtful encounters in the past. That’s not true. You’ve blessed me with some amazing sisters that I cherish, and I know they’re different. The women here in this shelter are some of the most beautiful souls, and so different too. The ones that are challenging to see the same truth are just deeply hurt, and broken too. I wasn’t always this understanding or fighting to be in the Light of Christ. I was severely mean and broken too. Regardless of my fearful why, everyone has their own why’s. I will get better at praying for those that are hardest to pray for. I’m where I am because people decided not to give up lifting their sword for me. So it’s my turn to lift my sword for those that need someone to fight for them. 

I still have a grudge against my old church, there was so much fake everything I experienced. Fake “godly” counsel. Fake pleasantries. Fake care. Fake fellowship. Fake unity. Fake everything. There was so much hurt I swallowed. That place broke my heart into so many pieces. Then you blessed me with the church that healed my heart. Then you pulled me out, which I battle still thinking truly sucks. Because you put me in a church that now has the same couple that played a role to my broken heart. Their misguided leadership at my old church is why my heart aches in worry. My heart didn’t just break because of personal experience. It breaks knowing their broken savage leadership through their marriage caused so much damage.

My heart broke because I saw the damage done to others. I trust the voice of God completely, and the husband to this couple couldn’t shake this truth like he tried. But he successfully shook the comprehension to Your Still Small Voice for so many others. You have Chosen walking around hurt, lost, and confused because of his misguiding leadership. Now he’s in the place I worship to spread more poison? I’m praying for his alignment, and all you tell me God is it won’t happen again. That’s hard to believe considering the damage you and I both know he did God. I’m so surprised that you have me scribing my lines so clearly about how I feel. I feel so naked and exposed. I’m fearful of being so naked and so exposed. That’s why I like when you let me live in my rhyming parable lines. Not this time I supposed, because you have a message for more eyes than the ones that comprehend my scribing lines. 

People are afraid to speak up at my old church. That’s why there’s so much silent hurt. People are afraid to call out the godly truth, when presented with diluted solutions. People are afraid to biblically reference Your Holy Proof. People sing in hidden stings in a building that now struggles to have godly wings. People are afraid to challenge misguided leadership, because they don’t want to be cast out like a biblical “you can’t be spiritually weird” vessel such as Noah in the Bible, or Jonah who tried hiding in the belly of a whale to avoid the calling he couldn’t avoid. People are afraid to be biblically radical and brave. 

People swallow hallow fouls, of mutant lukewarm salutes, to allow silent oppression. Biblical leadership is supposed to be aligned by the design of the Holy Bible. It’s the fine print and blueprint. If leadership is not biblical then there’s mixture in the midst of guidance. Only the Holy Spirit should lead the words for all humanity not emotional control. Emotional control is a popular patrol that sadly unfolds all too often. It’s a god complex forgetting God’s Begotten. Silent Oppression is a disconnection to the sensitivity, which is the protective key to be Holy in the Spirit of God. Repentance is acceptance, and opening to God’s showing why biblical confessions is humanity’s mess to be godly messages. There’s no shame in biblical gain. Biblical Confessions are freedom and clarity in charity, which is godly love. Godly love is found bound from Above to be tucked safely under His Wings. When we reveal what’s been concealed God heals our painful stings. Only through God can our pain ever have gain, and never be in vain. 

The sensitivity to the Holy Spirit is designed to have all that’s aligned to be set free faithfully and biblically. The Holy Spirit is not supposed to grieve for fear of speaking, that’s bullying and bullying isn’t of God. That’s what my old church does, creates a space to be afraid to speak, and Chosen grow weak spiritually. That’s not godly or biblical. Fear is not of God. That building grew to be about image, routines, and control. Many ministries are filled with isolated tees. The Holy Spirit is not about image, routines, control, or isolated tees. Isolation leads to segregation. Dr. Martin Luther King wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Katherine G. Johnson wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Mary Vaughan wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Mary Jackson wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. John F. Kennedy Jr. wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Marylin Monroe wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. There are so many more American Historical leaders who are bold believers that defend truth like this amazing crew.

Abram in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Queen Esther in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Noah in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Hannah, Samuel’s mother in the Bible wasn’t afraid to be on her knees aggressively speaking to God on how she felt. Moses in the Bible had his bubble popped that forever changed his walk, and he became bold to no longer be a slave to fear. There’s so many real life heroes from American History, and biblically that I choose to use as my key to being set free faithfully. I’m not afraid to speak up anymore. I’m not afraid to ruffle feathers anymore. I “lost” everything and gained clarity in biblical charity finally. I have a voice to ruffle feathers, and challenge incorrect authority that doesn’t align with the Holy Bible. God I will do what I’m called to do. I’m ready. My silence hurts enough. I won’t be afraid, and I won’t lose in the ruse of fear anymore.

What’s done in the dark comes to Light.

We are called to be sparks in the dark.

We are called to shed the Light of Christ.

We are called to speak on what’s not right. 

There’s a lot that’s not right roaming the nights of plight and strife in this earthbound life. It’s time we stop acting like that’s not a truth we as a humanity can change. Change happens when we rise up. Change happens when we speak up. 

My prayer for the planet.

May the souls on this planet listen with an extra layer to their prayers tonight. 

May the souls on this planet cry out to you oh Heavenly Father as the only compass home.

May the souls on this planet push for appreciation in the overwhelming moments of any tough storm. 

May their eyes see your goodness and faithfulness Lord.

May they be open to see the blessings in disguise to what greatly pains them inside. 

May they never lose their praise in the rain.

May they fight with Your Might for the Light of Jesus Christ.

May you always send angelic reminders to your people that need the timely blessings.

May we always pause and be slow to anger.

May we get better together in unity for all humanity biblically, and faithfully to be set free in unity maturely being boldly not coldly.

May we one day see we are one body and multiple parts with beating hearts.

May all souls grow cold to the drone stone heart.

May all souls allow the final bow of their heart to become the beautiful mess of flesh.

May all souls understand your grace and mercy doesn’t judge thee nor forsake us to combust. 

May we know you own and protect our hearts.

May we stop feeding afraid, and the gear of fear, which is pride hiding lies. 

May humility be our key intuitively. 

May we boldly not coldly choose to wear the breastplate of faith and love.

May we boldly not coldly choose to wear the helmet of salvation.

May we boldly not coldly choose to put on the armor of God.

May we boldly not coldly wear the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

May we all get better at mediating in the Holy Bible.

May we all choose the biblical blueprint as a reference in the deliverance of our hinderances and fine print acceptance.

Thank you Constant One.

Thank you King Jesus for the Cross of Calvary.

Love your lighter, fighter, and daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

yo

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

I don’t understand why it has to be him. 

Are you open to understand?

No I’m not he didn’t listen and I did.

Restoration is forgiveness.

That’s nice. He gives me anxiety and strife.

Does he really? 

It has to be him or it could be my fears.

It’s years of fears and your hidden tears.

Everything feels so raw and exposed today.

Talking to Lyn* today made me fearful.

She confirmed your life.

That was last week. Today is a new day.

I went into a space of complete panic.

I haven’t been here since before I went 

to the church that cultivated so much hurt.

The church you wanted to avoid.

Duh because of that fake Saved By the Bell

dry spell no unity night community of tees.

It’s not like that anymore.

That’s wonderful God but damage’s been done.

But you God made all my pitfalls have worth.

This week you will see.

What will I see? Just tell me I’m walking blindly

& is so hard for me. I don’t like not seeing.

I grew up in a culture of seeing is believing.

You God literally wrote a storyline with no sight.

You God literally wrote a storyline that pained 

me greatly, which lead me to hidden triggers.

I walked through a lot of healing from revealing.

I didn’t think I needed healing just concealing.

But nothing is concealed from you God. 

Nothing ever will be.

You are the Creator and my Maker that’s far

greater than any of my facades that played god

I’m not okay with any of this. I hate how it looks.

I’ve been robbed by a manmade mirage.

This is all so hard. I’m very hurt by what he did.

It shouldn’t still be what you keep showing me.

I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to believe.

I don’t want to achieve or receive. I want to flee.

It’s all so ugly and phony. Fake is the stake 

that many want to make as their life mistake.

The shaking breaking of faking doesn’t matter.

You need to make Tennessee happen now.

I did what you wanted me to do. I listened.

Where’s my reward of peace? I see toxicity,

which gives me displease and so much unease.

I want nothing to do with this robotic chaos.

He’s not with her.

I don’t care. 

You do care.

Good for that he, bad for the her whatever.

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

Why? Because you do the most and no thanks.

Disobedience isn’t the way.

Well neither is waiting in vain. 

You’re not waiting in vain.

Yes I am. What am I waiting for? This is stupid.

You know. 

Not that, I want other answers besides that.

That can’t pay my piling bills.

That can’t pay for this apartment I need.

That can’t do anything for me.

Why block the businesses!? yo they’re good!

It’s not time yet.

It’s not time yet for anything, but drive me mad.

That’s what it feels like. This mess won’t end.

Folks like pretend cool do you boos.

I’m about the foolishness of God.

But you’re doing the most Constant One. 

I’m tired of hearing:

You will see

Hang on 

Be still 

Trust Me

No thank you because this is totally sucky.

This sucks 

This sucks

This sucks

This sucks

This sucks

This is why I have a brain? 

This is why I have skill sets?

To be still when I need money? 

yo you’re doing the most dude.

I can’t say I’m over you.

I do love you and choose truth.

I love biblical proof and confirmation. 

But this still sucks.

I’m not posting this.

You are

No I am not

I am tired of this revealing healing crap.

This is so stupid.

It’s not paying my bills. 

I have your bills. 

Really? Okay then let’s pay them off right now.

In time is not today God.

Slow churn 

Now slow churn makes sense after last night.

You’re a slow roast God, and I’m fast food fool.

You’ve been telling me slow churn for years

and I was like whatever dude don’t get it bye.

You never asked.

True I never wanted to know.

Yes like that man you won’t let up about.

You’re mad loud about him all of a sudden.

How inconvenient when I got other fish to fry.

You can’t forget him.

That’s you’re fault. Not mine. I tried. He tried.

And according to you he failed. He did fail.

Tangibly him failing is hard to see. 

Tangibly he looks easy breezy cruising to me.

I’m not even asking for what he has.

I just want you to let me do that blueprint.

It’s not like I’m not honest. 

A man can never come for me if I do things

the way I want. It’s a guarantee if you let up.

I don’t believe anything about that man 

you won’t stop talking about. I’m tired. 

I just want to do what needs to be done. 

I don’t ask for much. I’m very capable of a lot.

A lot that can pay my bills and get a place.

This stillness is maddening.

This slow churn is maddening. 

This testimony is maddening.

Everything feels and looks so ugly. 

I don’t know how you’ll beautify this.

All I see is sins as sims winning in tailspins.

False prophets making community hobbits.

The end is near.

Rapture? Amen earth sucks.

He’s coming to you.

Jesus Christ? About time.

You know who. 

Nah I’ll wait in this annoying pain.

I hate feeling.

I hate crying.

I hate emotions.

I know you do.

You need to be set free and come to me.

I did hello I’m right here.

My ways are not your ways 

Your Way makes no sense.

Your Way stresses me out.

It’s your control.

I don’t know how to let go of what I know.

I don’t know how to see all things new.

I know my pain and vomit.

He’ll never throw me off again if I stay here.

You dipped my life in radical light and I’m done.

I see the Light of Jesus Christ and I fight.

Like nothing made sense since I stepped 

into the space of that church of so much hurt. 

I want a new testimony.

Stop telling me you’ll see and trust Me.

I don’t want to hear it. I just want my way.

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

How do I free myself from all of this?

How do I let go of what I know to grow

in this area as a blank canvas?

How do I allow you to paint my picture?

How do I allow you to whiten the blemishes

of this man that I see as toxic quicksand?

How do I get excited about a love story

when I would rather eat glass?

He went so hard for his facade to play god.

No one understands. People try but fall short.

My sister makes me feel like eating glass too.

I’m really used to just keeping people at bay

especially when they break my heart. 

Last year when the new leader of that

night community you say is growing unity now

saw my heart was broken, and I felt so exposed.

I felt so unprepared as a so called prophet

that a complete stranger saw pain wordlessly. 

Aren’t I supposed to see everything!?

No

Then what’s the point of being one?

I feel like a zeroed in weirdo like: 

Moses

Noah 

Joseph 

Abram

Isaiah 

John the Baptist 

Saul to Apostle Paul

yo they were all men. I’m a woman. 

This is stupid.

You’re in good company.

No I’m lonely in this world of phony.

But you got me facing humans for what?

I’m like no thank you homie lonely is cool.

Lonely is safe. Lonely doesn’t break my heart.

Being set apart is hard and feels like a farce.

You will see

Trust Me

I guess one day I will.

Until then I’ll keep scribing my lines that rhyme.

Thank you Constant One for creating 

a space that makes me feel safe.

Love your lighter and daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

blind side

Dearest Daddy,

I get why I’m single, and needed this three years and counting pruning process journey, before whatever man that is supposed to come comes. I have no concept of speaking to a man in love when they’re doing the wrong thing. It literally goes over my head. Plus being verbally abused, and knowing how to “take the hits,” just made me assume that everyone knew or did that too. Biblically love is patient, and love is kind. (1 Corinthians 13) I don’t know how to kindly say, “you’re a pathetic man child that needs to grow up.” Seriously how does one say that in love? Sometimes marrying kindness and honesty boggles my mind. 

When I was with the African prince, he did a lot of things that made me wince in the sense of immaturity. But he was super tall, and a basketball player that had the typical boy dream to making it to the NBA. There was a lot I wanted to say to him, but when I saw how hot and cold he was, I bit my words. And that just lead me to an unhealthy journey, that God is now thankfully setting me free from. I’m an extremist. I either straight shoot someone, or I stay silent but call them foolish in my head. I also have no concept of the healthy middle: be in love. Thank God you’re teaching and reaching me on how to do that now Daddy. I have no concept of being a healthy human. I’m learning how to do that now, through my Savior who is far greater. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for salvation, and shielding me with the armor of God, (Ephesians 6:11) and how to battle my flesh to walk in success of daily sanctification. 

Okay Daddy, I surrender my mindset that I must keep my dreams to myself. I surrender my mindset I’m the only one that can protect myself. I lay them down. No one, including me can love Crysta more than you Daddy. I need to trust you without borders. So I’m done with being cheap in this area, and choosing to take a leap to rest on your Cornerstone Best. Here’s to scribing my rhyming writing that I’m no longer fighting.

The other night I had three dreams, about Jojo,* my old leader I’ll miss from grad school, (that you just yanked me out of Daddy), I was in the dreams, and so was the he you say is for me. The first dream was with my old leader preparing from some event, and she was so frazzled. Jojo came out of no where, and asked her if she needed help. That’s when I appeared to her, because she acknowledged me. Before she didn’t see me. I’ve come to realize that Jojo protects me in my dreams, [and in real-life of course.] Jojo is my blind side. Jojo makes things safe for me. That’s why my old leader was able to see me. Jojo being there made it safe for me to appear. I started helping her too.

Then this tall caucasian man appeared out of no where, and I stopped feeling safe. I sensed danger. He took out this ridiculous looking wand that looked like a wand from The Harry Potter saga I refused to get sucked into. No, I never read the books. No, I don’t want to read the books. Yes, this is a deliberate decision. No I didn’t watch the movies. No offense to JK Rowling or her lyrical brilliancy, because she’s an inspiration to me as a fellow writer. JK Rowling is the only human in history that became a billionaire off of writing. And she’s a woman. Not a man, but a woman peep that and let it marinate. As a woman that makes me leap for joy on the inside. Women are amazing. I become prouder as time passes, that God made me a woman. 

This caucasian man pointed the wand to myself, Jojo, and my old leader, and we immediately became ant size humans. What happened next was nine hours had to pass, in order for us to get back to our size. It seemed as though this process happened more than once. Every time that happened to us, we became more and more drained. Reflecting on this caucasian man caused me to see him in a large field of sunflowers with a beautiful sunset. I didn’t know what that was about, I moved on to the second dream. 

I called Jojo and we prayed about the dreams, and what came to us was there are forces, or people around us that wanted, or wants to snuff out our potential and light. I’m a skeptical human. Lord I lay down my skepticism. As I scribe these words, I realize that supernatural has no room for skepticism. I reflected on the what came to Jojo, and I saw the painful struggle we endured the last two years, not just at our job you just yanked us out from Daddy, but also the old church you freed us from as well. 

It was hard connecting in both the old church, our old job. I’m so glad you freed us from both places. I breathe with ease now. I haven’t breathed with ease in over two years. We felt so ostracized in both places. It felt as if there was some imaginary spotlight on us. It was super uncomfortable how people just clocked us at work, and at our old church. The queens church you sent us to for healing was so great. People were open and kind. People didn’t clock us. It’s unfortunate our time there was up, and now we are in a new place once again. 

I had to fight to not acknowledge my ptsd, at my old church because I refused to give anyone ammunition to come for me. Lord, I lay that down too. You protect me better than me. I realized Jojo was correct about forces, or people attempting to snuff out our light and potential. What surprised me was that our old leader is going through similar shoes we walked through. I need to accept that nothing is what it seems for anyone, not just Jojo and me. 

“For the truth’s sake, which dwelleth in us, and shall be with us for ever.


Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.”

‭‭2 John‬ ‭1:6-7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

The second dream involved where I currently live right now, except the newer version when my parent’s first moved in the apartment. Back then it was presentable for guests, and my parents used to throw social gatherings all the time. Life seemed better then, but it was just my bubble not popping to cold harsh realities. There was a man, myself, and the he God keeps saying is for me sitting on a royal blue couch. I was sitting on the right side, and the he that God keeps saying is for me, was sitting right in front of me as a shield protecting me. 

The man I didn’t recognize was sitting on the right side of the couch. He reminded of when I was raped at nineteen. I didn’t feel safe with that man that wasn’t my he God says is for me who was sitting with us. I felt like that man was going to hurt me, and then he God says is for me had his hand as a shield over my lower part of my body. Like he was healing me, like the last dream he healed me, with my left breast that exploded during the dream I had last fall. I assumed the worse, like I was going to be taking advantage of, or worse violently raped. The he God says is for me was my protector so I was safe. I felt safe knowing he was there as if he was my blind side too like Jojo. That’s so hard for me to believe and receive. What you keep showing me Daddy doesn’t match reality. 

Currently the he you keep saying is for me, is a victim to the vulgarity of popularity. Walking in his pain in vain by the barbarity of irregularity so unhealthily. Currently the he you keep saying is for me, has the audacity to actually absently blindly hide in stagnancy. I’m becoming healthy, and bravely walking through my pains with your gains, which is so hard for me. All I see in reality is this he you keep saying is for me, wanting to keep the slums of his sins, and flee in misery with the enemy. But when I count my sheep, and sleep I see the he you say is for me meet. Daddy he’s very different in my dreams than he is in reality. Before this transformation I would have taken this he you keep saying is for me however I could get him, but I am so glad you blocked me so you can heal me. All I can do is keep my sword lifted for him to be free too. I want him to be healthy for you and himself. Revealing is healing. 

I realize walking through my pains with gains, that I am hungry to keep growing healthy. I can’t be unhealthy anymore. Regardless if this he you say is for me makes my heart skip beats, I cannot be with unhealthy Daddy. I take his flaws and all. I know I’m called to conquer my pitfalls however, reflecting on how traumatic my experience was with that African prince, who made me wince too many times to escape my mind, I cannot be unhealthy no matter how much this he who God says is for me, supernaturally has my key. I know my worth as a woman of God, and as a daughter to the Highest King. I cannot settle for less than this he who God says is for me ultimate best. 

When I told Jojo about the second dream, she said the he God says is for me, healed me from my tragedy of being raped at nineteen supernaturally. Just like he healed me supernaturally, from the trauma of what happened to me at nine, and what happened to me at my first job ever. Jojo says this he who God says is for me is my protector, and another one of my blind sides. I would love to walk on faith not by sight and believe that, but what’s currently reality makes it hard for me to supernaturally believe. Tangibility is a bondage that still sometimes holds me as a hostage, but my King who makes my soul sing is setting me free biblically. Biblically, you Daddy say nothing is what it seems to be. 

The third dream was about me, and this he that God keeps saying is for me meeting up face to face at a restaurant. I rambled so nervously, because I ramble when I am nervous. The only sentence I comprehended seeing myself say was “I don’t know how to do this.” Then I heard a baby crying. I just kept saying the baby is crying, and the baby needs me. I’m not sure if I was saying this in my head, or to him. Shortly afterwards, a baby boy came who was under two crying in front of our table. I immediately picked him up and told him he was okay, and he fell asleep on my chest. 

I felt like his mother, because I was determined to keep him safe, which was so weird to me in the dream but I just rolled with it. Shortly after that his birth mother came, frazzled and saying she’s overwhelmed and in need of help. I told her we were going to help her. And she told me “the baby never slept on anyone like that, because he doesn’t trust easily. You seem like you’re his mother. I can’t take care of him, so you should have him.” Then I looked at the he that God says is for me, to see if he was on board, and he was then I woke up. Jojo said that motherhood will start once the he God says is for me comes to me. I trust your voice Daddy, and I choose to trust your promises. I trust you completely Daddy. So continue to make me ready, and continue to heal me biblically. I remain steadfast, and safely tucked under your wings Daddy. I just say yes. I love you Daddy. 

Thank you for making my soul sing.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy