My pendulum swung in the direction, that I am now confessing is a blessing God. Everyday I breathe, it’s in ease. And that’s because God gave me the gift of peace. Thank God, He blessed me yesterday to experience, those condensed moments, with my spiritual twin, Jojo*. Witnesses are so necessary, but the key ingredient is expression in that crucial confession. Many choose to be mute by their silent salute. I would know, because that’s the direction, I was attempting to force my pendulum to stay.
It’s not okay that there’s oppression in the lack of confessions. It’s a recurring theme, that’s mean, and lean picked by my fellow broken chosen. There’s no difference in the hit it and quit misses. There’s still a bang bang that salutes those pale scaled gangs. The residue is so true from the gunpowder of the midnight hour. The diluted proof: Pulling the trigger isn’t bigger, it’s the same lame as watching the distain in my silent pain. My silence is now at an end. The world has no time for my pretend. There’s a high stake in my fake. If I call it out then I have to roll out my pout. Permanently because I chose eternity. I see His dove, then I have to own I choose love. So my salute can no longer be mute. My tests, hurdles, and trials are all files for His testimony written through me by God.
I’m very big on order. 1 Corinthians 14, is one of my favorite scripture powers. I relate so much to that chapter, and Matthew 19. I’m very respectful, or try my best to respect, the sanctity of people’s spaces, and their habits. Regardless, if I find them stupid, which for Crysta’s world, [those that care to know,] translate to seeing the harm, that’s being done, and I see multiple steps ahead of a direction, that isn’t necessary to go.
I’ve been there, done that, it’s so stupid. Use me as the example of what not to do, that’s what I want. But God has other plans. The same way I was warned, and didn’t listen is the same way, that my beautiful siblings in Christ will do the same. Experience is one of my greatest teachers, and I can’t be the only human wired this way. I’m walking through the deluded proof of this unfortunate truth now. So I have to allow the same transition, because it’s God’s mission.
I don’t agree with God, and I’m blocked from stopping His will, even in my tranquil belief that I have the power to let this be. I’m blessed to see for prayer. That’s a hat I got way too comfortable in, so God is doing the shake up of changing my channel to speak up. God gave me grace and let me live in my delusion for 31 years, so the same thing is happening for the rest of His children. I just can’t stand it because pain sucks. I have a fixer complex that’s not a hat God gave me.
I wouldn’t wish pain on anyone, even my “enemies,” which is a conundrum in this pendulum we all walk. Whether you believe God controls where you swing or not, doesn’t change that truth from existing. That’s an inclusion delusion that we are given grace on. It ties into the conditioning of His chosen’s backgrounds, and life experiences. All created the scaffolding conditioning known as unconscious biases. It’s truly a falsified alliance, that isolates and suffocates. But pride hides the binds that are all lies. So the pale scales prevail. Until He tears that veil. And when He does, you’ll never see it coming.
With that said, there’s a lot I know, through my gifts God has blessed me with, and through my life experiences, also known as the pendulum that God controls. I don’t always admit what I pick up, what I see people doing, or the fact I’ve seen the season I’m walking now, God gave me the gist three years ago. From what I comprehended it made me as pissed as a fist. I rarely say anything at all. I clung to my clutch of prayer. I created a bubble because I see this all as trouble. And before salvation, I clung to the brokenness of judgment and isolation. Slowly dying in my own suffocation.
Even when I was in the world, completely in my flesh, and leaning on my own understanding. I still knew my pendulum was controlled by God. I finally accept I was cut from a different cloth, from the womb, yesterday. From my dream last night, and my brief conversation with Jared,* I’m done fighting.
I finally accepted God let me live for 31 years, due to all my fears, and hidden tears. God is now using it for His glory, because I’m God’s story. It’s not the Crysta show, it’s God’s Ordained Will. He pruned me to be still. He blessed me with new gills. I was never the author, God always was. God let me live in that delusion. I now see He resurrected, my inclusion for His solution.
That truth felt like a heavy tomb of death for the longest, but that’s just leaning on my own understanding. Because I was tired of being different. I was tired of hearing “Crysta you’re so deep,” at first I always felt like running in a corner to cry, or failing at retraining myself to not be me. That’s why I did so many jobs.
I allowed the world’s button of crazy to play me as lazy. There’s no resend, for me. God stopped, and pressed pray a different way so swiftly. I never saw it coming. He’s my musical note that dictates my strokes. It was the same result, anywhere I went. In all scenarios, I remained the common denominator. It’s like being a math problem, that’s solved but you don’t buy it. The broken conditions of life, unconsciously lead me to believe there has to be a trick. The truth is I connect dots fast, and I see the steps even faster. My abilities are an already developed blueprint, or a blueprint that develops right before my spiritual eyes.
That’s a gift not a curse. I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s a curse. I hated a lot of things about myself. I hated that I was so sensitive. I hated that I picked up others emotions. I just hated everything that made me me. I hated that I was so different. I found a way to be aloof, cold, and blunt. Because it was me leaning on my own understanding.
To Crysta that made sense, because different was not popular. Different is fruitful. Fruitful is truthful. No one is interested in the truthful prosperity in the godly way. And since I am a human that needs other humans, I fought to join the hype of stupid, when it was never something I could ever really join.
But I just convinced myself I did. Just to fit in. When my heart always hurt. It never stopped. I just personally choose to carry the pain my limited way, not God’s way. Popular delusions are the cup of kool-aid that’s being chosen. My body immediately rejected the kool-aid, and the wrong role of renegade in that cheap lemonade.
I was cheap to myself too. I robbed myself too. Instead of people breaking me easily, I shifted my pendulum to break them. It was just a painful delusion I didn’t want to see. Because being me wasn’t enough to Crysta. I caught onto that earlier on. Because hurting others always hurts me. But broken people break, so break is what I had to take, [according to me.] All because of what, and how I see. I did all types of pretending, became facades that weren’t me just to be accepted in a world, I’ll never be apart of.
That’s what I did all my life before April 4th, 2014. That was the greatest day of my life, because I said yes to Jesus; and I said goodbye to the world. I stopped allowing the world to break me, by allowing God to be my shield, and anchor. I can’t protect myself better than God. And I’m so glad my King is far better than me.
God was moving my pendulum north, and I was fighting to be accepted by broken humans. Broken humans break, it’s a psychological condition, that’s environmentally based. Conditions can be broken, but when you’re a human then you’re a creature of habit.
It’s our genetic wiring: we are made to get it wrong, this is our personal recurring song. We’re the wrong and strong troops, in our broken loops. This detested protest is the piercing of convictions to reach us and teach us to never fight God. To never attempt to have our pendulum swing outside of God’s Will again.
I knew my ‘he,’ would walk in the shoes he’s in now because God told me, and showed me starting three years ago. Last night drove a truth home that I was avoiding. This is case sensitive so with that said, I’ll end there. I’m all in, I say yes. And all of us humans create these temporary, yet toxic facades of empty nothingness, that only work temporarily.
‘Temporarily,’ looks different for everyone, for me it was 31 years, the moment I said yes to Jesus, was the moment God started carving me, from the inside out, clearing the residue that’s simply not true. I was fighting to be accepted by the world, through so many painful scenarios, that the phantom memories still sting. I don’t always discuss my pain, I just become mute. Very withdrawn, and very silent. That’s why I want my cloak of invisibility so badly.
God loves me too much, to fight the losing battle, of swinging my pendulum in a direction, that just doesn’t work for my King. Amen Alpha, amen. I’m grateful for you God. That dream last night, represents I’m free, chosen, and forgiven. I’m not that dirty ugly, broken stupid girl, that choose the easy way out anymore. I’m not the reject that no one wants, not even my ‘he.’
I’m fearfully and wonderfully made because my bridegroom loves me and died for me. And that’s enough. So my sword is boldly lifted ready to swing in whatever direction He says. Even that reminder this morning, Jojo and I say yes to that too. I’m done running from that calling too. God you made it crystal clear you direct my swings. God makes me sing. God holds my ring, God truly removed my stings. It’s so much better, doing it God’s way. But your precious saints will see it when they’re ready God. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much, so do I. Love your sister Crysta.
*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy