Faithfully


she who is me is free 

ever so faithfully.

she sees fasting drew her

deeper into his everlasting.

she’s different and deliberate.

she’s no longer belligerent.

fasting empowered her speech.

the meeting was an allegiance 

to obedience & entrance to His Presence.

My bestie Jojo* and I fasted this past week for a number of reasons, but the biggest reason in this season was to draw closer to Constant One. We prayed and obeyed to extend the fast until fall officially started today at 4:02 pm. The fast changed us. I’m even more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I see how much Jojo glows with growing in God’s Flow. We both have complete peace with every trial from the past that didn’t last. We both let go of known. We both say yes to all that God is calling us to. 

she’s unafraid to be Jesus’ Renegade.

she’s slow to anger and the act of madder.

she has peace and breathes with ease.

she doesn’t know what’s next 

but knows God is her cornerstone best.

Jojo is walking through the struggles

in the wrestling of this testimony.

Jojo feels the scenes are mean.

Jojo is over this elongated episode.

she who is me is free 

ever so faithfully.

she desires to vibe only with her tribe.

I’m very excited to spend the afternoon tomorrow with my loves. I missed Elle* and Cole* so much. Tomorrow should be great being with some of my girls. And I loved bonding with Ali* the other night and really seeing how much in common we have. It’s nice to continue to draw closer to her since she’s all the way in Canada. We are such emotional hotheads that feel so misunderstood. Thank God that we as humanity will never be misunderstood to God. God really blessed me to be surrounded by an amazing tribe of women. I love my tribe filled with women empowering women vibes. 

I’m all about being a sister’s keeper. I’m all about being in love faithfully to be in unity. Everything I’ve experienced thus far I wouldn’t change for the world. My heart had to break so God can take what’s not made to stay. My breakthroughs came from the lane of unashamed in being a broken vessel to unravel in the tests that God makes a testimony. My breakthroughs came from the lane of my messes that God makes his messages. My painful journeys had the biggest blessings: the darkest tunnel with the brightest light. I’m always going to say yes to my King that makes my soul sing who holds my ready rings. I’m completely in contentment with being in moment to moment with God, and not knowing exactly what’s next. No one can love me like God. No one can protect me like God. Therefore no one can bless me like God. I have to continue to allow God to do the work in me by setting me free faithfully. 

her heartaches created 

the space of grace to grace. 

To be healed what she once concealed 

in the unraveling to be revealed. 

she’s no longer disenchanted 

by backwards glances. 

her backwards glances are setbacks 

in satanic attacks. she embarks to float 

off the boat and spark the dark 

as a light of Jesus Christ. she believes 

and receives that humanity 

can be in harmony 

as multiple parts in one body. 

Faithfully, she sees supernaturally. 

she’s designed her eyes to stay 

in the Obey of Today always. 

Tangibility is a plight to a strife life. 

Jojo sometimes struggles with leaping in unknown. As her bestie I lift my sword, and walk in faith she’ll conquer this pitfall. Jojo’s called to give her all and prevail from deceitful scales. There’s impatience in the entrance of acceptance to His freedom. Jojo has a timeline that has distracting vines, which leads her to conceal what needs to be revealed. Jojo sometimes rewinds time and finds its a trip up that shouldn’t develop. Jojo needs to change the perspective in her objectives, because they’re selective and ineffective. Jojo’s being fine tuned through her zoom of all she knew to let go of this cancelled show. 

Jojo is stronger than what she sees and believes. Jojo is encouraged to use her words to let go of hurts with no worth. Faithfully, Jojo sees she’s being set free from the layers of pain no longer in vain, because Jojo now has godly gain. Jojo no longer conforms to the world coldly. Jojo is boldly transforming by the renewal of her mind where she finds His Sovereignty. Jojo is set free unapologetically. Jojo is loved and His beloved. Jojo is a gift from Above. Thank you King Jesus for my bestie Jojo, and all my other loves: my tribe of women empowering women vibes. Biblically wisdom is a she and her. God made women she’s and her’s faithfully, and effortlessly for all the world to see. Love she.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy

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Grievance 

Dear Dad,

So I’m trying to sleep, and count sheep yet this isn’t the space where you’ll slow me down in my pace. Clearly I don’t want to do this write your way, and definitely not today. But God I’ve lived long enough to be the witness, to how you dismiss my flesh god facades. The decay of yesterday was too real. Last night that best last first bite bravado that Jojo* absorbed from ms. 17 as a motto, was mean, lean, and glean. Just like this he, you God keep saying is for me, is playing delay in his decay of that ugly backwards hat, when he spat on truth to dilute your proof: in same lame shame with ms. 17, who is wrong she believes she is home free. 

What wrong she receives is an agonizing grieving worldly achieving. Two strands will never better together, nor magically become His Three Strands. The world said go in this wrong hue of two’s flow, but God said no. Wrong she is constantly fighting for God’s lighting, and delighting in this legalized hypnotized hit it and quit it misfit. Wrong she is constantly fighting for God’s alignment, in this legalized solitary confinement. Wrong she is constantly fighting for God’s path, to correct this wrong math of quicksand to be His Mastery Plan. Two wrong hues will never be His Stir. That’s only he + He + her. Her is the me as this he’s correct she, which all three in this see wrestle to believe is Your Be. I now allow my hallow swallow to set me free, and I choose love from your above, regardless what these two in their wrong hue do. It’s me and You God. 

The last six months of my life have been pretty intense, and full of suspended condensed arranged changes. This is all apart of my call with your refining my aligning, through this pruning process God. When I said yes, you’ve been awakening my taking in the distress, of wrong seeds weeds that make me bleed with worldly need. When I said yes, you’ve turned my bitter into sweet. When I said yes, you’ve showed my lies, that make me cry and hide what’s inside. 

When I said yes, you’ve shown me, that my corruptive confetti never replaced the space of my empty. When I said yes, you’ve shown me, that holding onto my hurt had no worth. When I said yes, and trusted you with my pain, you’ve shown me that I didn’t combust; but actually walked through Your Gain and Your Trust. Thank you for always being my first true love. Thank you for showing me, that all good things only come from Above. Thank you for being my Sacred Dove. Thank you for showing me, to never ever settle again in the pressing the stressing in pretend to never end. 

Work is now slowly starting to not stress me out. From all angles I was getting attacks in setbacks. I’m grateful that the two female co-workers that stressed me out, are now being handled. It was disheartening that the same thing happened here too. The grievance from achieving through my believing in solely You God. I always gets provoked, and evoked to make me choke. But Your Gills teach me to reach for Your Be Still. I reject my neglect in worldly cheap thrills.

I’ve always had issues with females. For the longest I thought I was the problem, which is why I kept removing myself but I’m the common denominator, and God is my numerator. He goes before me, and God showed me that it’s not all me in my wrong seed weeds. That’s partially why I went through so many careers. Besides the fact that I was clearly playing god in my facade. I was not okay when I always say. I was really in dismay feeling like peeling decay. I pick up a lot from people around me. I rarely said anything before my surrender, and now I can’t seem to close my mouth. That’s a God problem, and his solution is for me to no longer be stronger in my silent mute saluted tribute. 

Women empowering women is something I’m very passionate about. Hands down I walk in the belief, if a woman cannot achieve a healthy godly sisterhood, she’ll never be able to have a healthy godly marriage. We are siblings in Christ first. Sisterhood is a crucial foundation, to all healthy godly relationships. And the same process applies for God’s sons, in the context of brotherhood. Jojo* is my sister for life. Like what we have survived together, in the world and in You God, is all apart of our testimony. Our sisterhood is truly bigger than both of us, and all our fights made our bond stronger. Every time we fight, You God reveal what we both conceal. God You use everything for your glory, because we are all your story. The same way, You God is using the decay of yesterday, that this wrong she and this he You God say is for me, choose to lose in their silent violent worldly alliance, of their detached mismatched hues.

It’s neutrally and brutally painful to spiritually see, this wrong she determination, to push through this he hesitated permeated dedication, in this quicksand two strand land. What was always designed to be a hit it and quit it flee, this wrong she positioned the temporary of her secondary, yet secretive place in this he’s space; to be an acute astute fleshly ordinary. This she findeth this he, not the biblical he who findeth she. When You God had better, wrong she said never, because it wasn’t forever with this he, You God say is for me. 

Wrong she’s entitled mind game, is a lame same shame of this he is truly being an idol. Wrong she’s muted confession is an outwardly obsession. Wrong she’s swings in these heavy forced coursed pair of rings sting. Wrong she started thinking, which You God decided to no longer let this wrong she be stronger in hiding what’s inside. This wrong she’s sinking is Your Linking to be the last black tar jar. God you are using this difficult confinement to show the no, because these two do not have Your Biblical Alignment. The under the rug tug, in the hush hush fornication, was a rush down the aisle, and will never be a celebration to You God. Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done. Every knee will bow, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. In Jesus name, amen.

I’m so glad, I’m not mad or sad. I used to see similarly to this wrong she. Right before I let go of Crysta 4.4.14, the best day of my life. I barely survived my own reason painful season, of being a wrong she. It was all allowed for my Kingdom Bow, so I can let go of the no, You God said was dead lead; but I chose to secretly lose and cry. I chose to secretly lose and die, for all my lies with a man that wasn’t for me. All because I thought God forgot about me. So I felt I needed to play cards, I picked and I dealt. 

Crysta couldn’t be forgotten. Crysta had to have blessings too. So Crysta did her and didn’t stop until she got what she thought she wanted. But the favor of God on my life, through my own strife from my deluded and confusing version: of best last first bite. Behind what I chose to hide, were cries and internal dies. I took a lot of hits with that man that wasn’t for me, when God saw all and used it for my greatest fall. To create this current story through the woman, I now choose to freely be: Yours.

I understand why that quicksand, was the greatest blessing of my life. It taught me that man who wasn’t for me, was my sixth jar that broke. I ended up going to the hospital my last time. I also tried killing myself that last time. That’s when Jojo became my best friend, and saving grace that You God used to bring me into your loving arms. I never looked back, in all the setbacks and attacks, that I received in my bleed that pulled out my weeds. 

I still say yes and would do it all over again, if I’m the woman I am today. I know with conviction I will never settle with any man, even with this he who God says is for me. I understand that I can have quicksand with him too, if it’s not God’s Timing. I almost did but you clocked that block so swiftly, now seeing what I see that rejection was Your Protection for me. Thank you Dad. 

As His Chosen, many of us fall into a trap we can cap, or even zap our pruning process. Delaying His Obeying will never change the path to correct math: called our destiny. If God controls satan who is limited, and goes after this world; what makes us forget that God does not control our defiance too? Our sin has an expiration date too. We must keep at the forefront of our limited minds, that sin is a miss mark in the dark, but only God can spark our barks into linked larks. Only God can precinct our sink by using our think. If God is our creator then he’s our administrator too. If God is our creator than he’s our employer too. If God is our creator then he’s our artist that strokes our paintings. 

We must always remember we are saints on many assignments. We must remember we are all better together in His Alignment not worldly confinement. We must remember that our grievance is His Achievement. My eyes are redirected, and corrected to not be tripped up by the slip ups, and hiccups of this wrong she and this he, You God say is for me. I’m no longer thinking, by looking at these two wrong hues sinking or weary winking. I choose to refuse the ruse, of these two wrong hues that are very confused. I decide to fix my eyes back on You God. I no longer decide to be misguided in their hiding, dying, or lying. I choose to float on this water with You God. So trust the process saints. God loves you so much. God is in the details. Be still to hear His Still Small Voice. I love you world, because He + he taught me too. I accept my place in the space as her in His Stir. I now want to always choose love. Love your sister Crysta.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

Pendulum 

My pendulum swung in the direction, that I am now confessing is a blessing God. Everyday I breathe, it’s in ease. And that’s because God gave me the gift of peace. Thank God, He blessed me yesterday to experience, those condensed moments, with my spiritual twin, Jojo*. Witnesses are so necessary, but the key ingredient is expression in that crucial confession. Many choose to be mute by their silent salute. I would know, because that’s the direction, I was attempting to force my pendulum to stay. 

It’s not okay that there’s oppression in the lack of confessions. It’s a recurring theme, that’s mean, and lean picked by my fellow broken chosen. There’s no difference in the hit it and quit misses. There’s still a bang bang that salutes those pale scaled gangs. The residue is so true from the gunpowder of the midnight hour. The diluted proof: Pulling the trigger isn’t bigger, it’s the same lame as watching the distain in my silent pain. My silence is now at an end. The world has no time for my pretend. There’s a high stake in my fake. If I call it out then I have to roll out my pout. Permanently because I chose eternity. I see His dove, then I have to own I choose love. So my salute can no longer be mute. My tests, hurdles, and trials are all files for His testimony written through me by God. 

I’m very big on order. 1 Corinthians 14, is one of my favorite scripture powers. I relate so much to that chapter, and Matthew 19. I’m very respectful, or try my best to respect, the sanctity of people’s spaces, and their habits. Regardless, if I find them stupid, which for Crysta’s world, [those that care to know,] translate to seeing the harm, that’s being done, and I see multiple steps ahead of a direction, that isn’t necessary to go. 

I’ve been there, done that, it’s so stupid. Use me as the example of what not to do, that’s what I want. But God has other plans. The same way I was warned, and didn’t listen is the same way, that my beautiful siblings in Christ will do the same. Experience is one of my greatest teachers, and I can’t be the only human wired this way. I’m walking through the deluded proof of this unfortunate truth now. So I have to allow the same transition, because it’s God’s mission. 

I don’t agree with God, and I’m blocked from stopping His will, even in my tranquil belief that I have the power to let this be. I’m blessed to see for prayer. That’s a hat I got way too comfortable in, so God is doing the shake up of changing my channel to speak up. God gave me grace and let me live in my delusion for 31 years, so the same thing is happening for the rest of His children. I just can’t stand it because pain sucks. I have a fixer complex that’s not a hat God gave me. 

I wouldn’t wish pain on anyone, even my “enemies,” which is a conundrum in this pendulum we all walk. Whether you believe God controls where you swing or not, doesn’t change that truth from existing. That’s an inclusion delusion that we are given grace on. It ties into the conditioning of His chosen’s backgrounds, and life experiences. All created the scaffolding conditioning known as unconscious biases. It’s truly a falsified alliance, that isolates and suffocates. But pride hides the binds that are all lies. So the pale scales prevail. Until He tears that veil. And when He does, you’ll never see it coming. 

With that said, there’s a lot I know, through my gifts God has blessed me with, and through my life experiences, also known as the pendulum that God controls. I don’t always admit what I pick up, what I see people doing, or the fact I’ve seen the season I’m walking now, God gave me the gist three years ago. From what I comprehended it made me as pissed as a fist. I rarely say anything at all. I clung to my clutch of prayer. I created a bubble because I see this all as trouble. And before salvation, I clung to the brokenness of judgment and isolation. Slowly dying in my own suffocation. 

Even when I was in the world, completely in my flesh, and leaning on my own understanding. I still knew my pendulum was controlled by God. I finally accept I was cut from a different cloth, from the womb, yesterday. From my dream last night, and my brief conversation with Jared,* I’m done fighting. 

I finally accepted God let me live for 31 years, due to all my fears, and hidden tears. God is now using it for His glory, because I’m God’s story. It’s not the Crysta show, it’s God’s Ordained Will. He pruned me to be still. He blessed me with new gills. I was never the author, God always was. God let me live in that delusion. I now see He resurrected, my inclusion for His solution. 

That truth felt like a heavy tomb of death for the longest, but that’s just leaning on my own understanding. Because I was tired of being different. I was tired of hearing “Crysta you’re so deep,” at first I always felt like running in a corner to cry, or failing at retraining myself to not be me. That’s why I did so many jobs. 

I allowed the world’s button of crazy to play me as lazy. There’s no resend, for me. God stopped, and pressed pray a different way so swiftly. I never saw it coming. He’s my musical note that dictates my strokes. It was the same result, anywhere I went. In all scenarios, I remained the common denominator. It’s like being a math problem, that’s solved but you don’t buy it. The broken conditions of life, unconsciously lead me to believe there has to be a trick. The truth is I connect dots fast, and I see the steps even faster. My abilities are an already developed blueprint, or a blueprint that develops right before my spiritual eyes.

That’s a gift not a curse. I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s a curse. I hated a lot of things about myself. I hated that I was so sensitive. I hated that I picked up others emotions. I just hated everything that made me me. I hated that I was so different. I found a way to be aloof, cold, and blunt. Because it was me leaning on my own understanding. 

To Crysta that made sense, because different was not popular. Different is fruitful. Fruitful is truthful. No one is interested in the truthful prosperity in the godly way. And since I am a human that needs other humans, I fought to join the hype of stupid, when it was never something I could ever really join. 

But I just convinced myself I did. Just to fit in. When my heart always hurt. It never stopped. I just personally choose to carry the pain my limited way, not God’s way. Popular delusions are the cup of kool-aid that’s being chosen. My body immediately rejected the kool-aid, and the wrong role of renegade in that cheap lemonade. 

I was cheap to myself too. I robbed myself too. Instead of people breaking me easily, I shifted my pendulum to break them. It was just a painful delusion I didn’t want to see. Because being me wasn’t enough to Crysta. I caught onto that earlier on. Because hurting others always hurts me. But broken people break, so break is what I had to take, [according to me.] All because of what, and how I see. I did all types of pretending, became facades that weren’t me just to be accepted in a world, I’ll never be apart of. 

That’s what I did all my life before April 4th, 2014. That was the greatest day of my life, because I said yes to Jesus; and I said goodbye to the world. I stopped allowing the world to break me, by allowing God to be my shield, and anchor. I can’t protect myself better than God. And I’m so glad my King is far better than me. 

God was moving my pendulum north, and I was fighting to be accepted by broken humans. Broken humans break, it’s a psychological condition, that’s environmentally based. Conditions can be broken, but when you’re a human then you’re a creature of habit. 

It’s our genetic wiring: we are made to get it wrong, this is our personal recurring song. We’re the wrong and strong troops, in our broken loops. This detested protest is the piercing of convictions to reach us and teach us to never fight God. To never attempt to have our pendulum swing outside of God’s Will again. 

I knew my ‘he,’ would walk in the shoes he’s in now because God told me, and showed me starting three years ago. Last night drove a truth home that I was avoiding. This is case sensitive so with that said, I’ll end there. I’m all in, I say yes. And all of us humans create these temporary, yet toxic facades of empty nothingness, that only work temporarily. 

‘Temporarily,’ looks different for everyone, for me it was 31 years, the moment I said yes to Jesus, was the moment God started carving me, from the inside out, clearing the residue that’s simply not true. I was fighting to be accepted by the world, through so many painful scenarios, that the phantom memories still sting. I don’t always discuss my pain, I just become mute. Very withdrawn, and very silent. That’s why I want my cloak of invisibility so badly. 

God loves me too much, to fight the losing battle, of swinging my pendulum in a direction, that just doesn’t work for my King. Amen Alpha, amen. I’m grateful for you God. That dream last night, represents I’m free, chosen, and forgiven. I’m not that dirty ugly, broken stupid girl, that choose the easy way out anymore. I’m not the reject that no one wants, not even my ‘he.’ 

I’m fearfully and wonderfully made because my bridegroom loves me and died for me. And that’s enough. So my sword is boldly lifted ready to swing in whatever direction He says. Even that reminder this morning, Jojo and I say yes to that too. I’m done running from that calling too. God you made it crystal clear you direct my swings. God makes me sing. God holds my ring, God truly removed my stings. It’s so much better, doing it God’s way. But your precious saints will see it when they’re ready God. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much, so do I. Love your sister Crysta. 
*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy 

Tangibility 

Dearest Abba,

This discomfort of boldness leaves me feeling so exposed. It makes me feel like there’s a zeroed in microscopic flashing bolt, illuminating the excruciating area you have me existing. It’s small enough to notice every single detail, yet large enough to demolish the darkness. The darkness you had your precious son die for. He turned the light on by beating death. My rapid heat in my repetitive beat. My King who makes my soul sing. My King who holds the key to my ready ring. My King who protects my reject in my triggered sting.

This challenge you have your fellow daughters, and myself doing for the next thirty days is truly exciting. This challenge is mind blowing, truly showing my life is not my own. What I’ve come to walk as my comfortable known is being dismantled by your precious throne. I’m all about going deeper and lower in you God. No matter how unconfined this journey becomes. I’m yours and you’re mine. So keep conforming me through this insane feeling called transforming. 

Even how we’ve been cultivating and resting in this sisterhood is all you. Four very different personalities, testimonies and realities are biblically becoming one accord by you. You’ve edified our disobediences the day we meet to bring us all together. Regardless of the running your great name is drumming on our hearts completely in sync. That’s what you do God, turn the mess into the confessions of your message with your godly suggestions. There’s a disconnect that I choose to neglect, yet you use me dwelling in your shade. In your presence I cannot fade. 

You’re changing up our whole routine God. It’s a routine I created but you’re no longer allowing it to be permeated. I can’t stand it. I’m so upset. I’m really wonderful at falling back and hiding. But you’re rewinding my mind so I can find, the cognitive psych originating my trigger. Because it’s bigger than me. I really don’t like that I now see. With your eyes, I’m so mystified and yet you’re walking me through the petrified that feels so paralyzing. You’re biblically teaching me in your loving analyzing that Your Will be done. 

I just want to be mute and celebrate my silent salute. To you, because your love is true. Human love is conditional and there’s always a motive of some form of self seeking. The destructive caress of my flesh, is tantalizing and addictive. It’s the clog of a sinful fog that’s so easily disguised. They’re so pale, and by the time we notice we’re in deep rooted scales, completely swallowed in that whale. Like your son Jonah. Who ran from his purpose, it just didn’t go with his focus. So he threw a tantrum, and ran away. Sounds familiar. And you said okay, let’s play my way. Because you told Jonah you will be what I made you to be, no matter what you want me to see. 

It’s so mirroring when our meditation is a dedication to seek your truth. The tangibility of our availability is a tranquility in your operation. Because you conform us in our transform through these massive multiple storms. The reality in this modern day galaxy: not much changed. Sin is still sin, and defiance is an alliance of our falsified and dangerous guidance. 

I don’t even like that you have me collecting comprehensive letters by expressing this. Because I know, you’ll make me go to a place I can’t stand. “Doing you,” is a deluded proof you kaboom in this illuminating zoom. You’ll make me post this confessing my host. Of a projected belief that all is a relief. In my mind all is well. What a lie, everything is not swell. That’s the furthest from the truth with these pending words as your proof. 

I just want to dissolve our biblical contract. You make me see. I’m free in you but that’s not fully true, for we are one body with many parts, and there’s a scaffolding of wandering hearts. The pain is no gain in the massive rain that’s released from our displease. The pale scales prevail. 

The harder I love you the harder my avoidance becomes true. What your people feel I feel. It’s a broken reel that conceals the security of Your Purity. So the amenity of their identity is on pause. There’s cluttered dirt so press play on the wrong insert. And you have me standing in this land to connect as a band for your scattered sand. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. The rapid wildfires are still radiating rust. Triggers are bigger than mans comprehension, and so many are ready to combust. All we can do is just blindly trust.

With this truth, my desire is still strong in clinging to my aloof. And all I want to do is hide, as you dismantle my selfish pride. And all I want to do is slide in this dysfunctional haze, that’ll continue my deluded daze. But this illuminating glow is Your Purpose to project Your Grow. It’s Your Flow, I follow so you dismantle my hallow swallow. 

In my boldness there’s still coldness, because pain is a reel that feels so real. There’s internal gunshot wounds that continue to be used as my prune by You. Full display so that your people can see. Full display in their secret dismay, they may walk in the be: they are not alone and can now see. There’s a brewing linkage is this suffocating sinkage. Blind eyes no longer have to feed lies, and secretly die because only you have the hidden answers to their why’s. You are the mystery in our repeated history. You are the sole truth in the breakage of the bondage aloof. You are the key from being free from the crippling cling to tangibility. We loudly salute in your loving tribute. Thank you for being true. We wait for You. 

Love your daughter. Blessings my fellow chosen. 

Note: Another confession: I delayed what I’m good at because I’ve witnessed how it changed the perception of people and me. They went from “foe” to “friend.” Because they saw a way to capitalize on my abilities. I just felt like a used dollar sign. It made me feel so used and abused like a peace of meat. That could’ve been one of many triggers that pulled me into my depression seasons and why I attempted my life so many times. I never told anyone this and writing that, made me see God really does know every secret corner of our hearts. God is so amazing and through my discomfort I keep seeing I can trust Him wholeheartedly.

Hate

Dear God,

I feel like I’m going to explode and I’m hanging on a very tiny thread. God, I know you’re with me and you see all. But I hate this season. I really hate that I had to cancel my classes today. I wasn’t expecting that and I hate curve balls. I hate that you’ve totally stopped me from going into my mental rant and have me on here writing out my thoughts. I hate that you’re carving out everything I know to do when things feel uncomfortable or unpredictable. I’m completely free-falling. You’re creating the habits you want me to practice and they’re apparently happening organically.

I really hate that my dad’s prostrate level is high. I hate I’m okay with the fact that I don’t have to hold it all together. I hate that my grandmother is dead. I miss laying down with her. I always drew from her strength.

I really hate that my mom over eats. I beyond hate that my brother chain smokes and locks himself in his room breathing in his polluted second and third hand self inflicting smoke. I hate that I think my parents and brother are so selfish living in their destruction. 

I hate that my brother’s psyche is being consumed by violent games all day long. I worry for his lungs and cry myself to sleep at seeing the people I love the most not love themselves because they do not fully know you God. I’m cried out. 

I hate that you took away me hiding in my anger. I hate that I can’t do anything about any of this but just call on your name and pray. Sometimes I feel like it’s not enough but there is power in the name of Jesus and you hear all prayers.

I find comfort in this fact. It’s one of the main things that keep me going. I hate that Harper* and I don’t speak. It’s absolute insanity to me that speaking to him would be comforting. Even silence with him would be soothing and that makes no sense to me and it pisses me off.

I hate being confused in the sense of clarity. Everything has to make sense for me to function. Or so I thought. Clearly. I’m incorrect because I’m more than functioning.

I hate that you have me in a fog to teach me to just walk on faith. It’s so whack. I hate that I think I’ll hear bad news on Thursday when I go with my dad for this procedure.

I hate that you made me a super positive person. I hate that I feel guilty for thinking the worse will happen. I hate that you’re giving me no indication on what will occur.

I hate that I find solace in a crowded cafe surrounded by eyeballs when I love being locked up in my room isolated. Isolation is comfort.

People hurt you and it’s disappointing. 

I cannot be in my house. I can’t see my father act like he’s on his last days and verbally lashing out. I can’t see my mom eat herself to oblivion when she’s got health issues. I hate that she’s taking the fact we have no idea why she was in the hospital in December so lightly. I can’t see my brother chain smoke. It’s all too draining.

I hate that I loved the amazing fellowship I experienced last night because it proved I was wrong. I hate being wrong. But I’m blessed I was. I hate that I’m okay with messing up. I hate that I’m accepting I’m flawed and will always miss the mark.

There are amazing God-fearing women like my sisters last night that I can be friends with outside of Jojo* it’s not an act. They truly want unity and sisterhood too, and it makes me leap with joy. You made sure that I epically failed at pushing Jojo* away. Thank you for that determination God.

You had to prove to me that previous observations of fakeness and past hurts could not subconsciously close me off to everyone. God you blow my mind. I’m so stubborn. You know this about me yet you still love me and you’re still with me and still want to make me better: bratty me. Why?!

I hate that I don’t think I deserve it and I want you to forget me. I hate that you won’t because I know I shouldn’t feel that way because “I know better.” I know nothing.

I no longer find peace in my room. I hate that you’re making me uncomfortable in my isolation bubble to the point where it probably no longer exists.

I hate that you’re tendering my heart even more. I hate that you’re carving out the sting and the residue of past hurts. This is all allowing me to be more vulnerable. It’s already happening and I’m still here, the world didn’t collapse as I thought it would. I still hate it though.

I hate that in this out of control  feeling I still find peace. I don’t understand these emotions. I have no idea what’s about to happen. I know you’re holding my right hand and that’s what keeping me from sinking.

I hate that you’re making me uncomfortable in my isolation bubble to the point it probably no longer exist.

I don’t understand how I can be so frustrated to the point of swearing (then you of course convict me into repentance) yet I’m freely at peace. I don’t recognize this calmness. 

Before salvation during moments like these I’d be ready to slit my wrists or do something completely self sabotaging since dying wasn’t an option to you. I have no desire to do any of that. Your will not mine.

I hate that I’m no longer a fixer. There is NOTHING I can fix in this season. Fixing is all I knew how to do. This is all so new for me. Like what’s really life right now? Being a fixer is dismantled and the world didn’t end. I want to be numb but you dismantled that as well.

I hate that I’m free-falling and this stretching process is okay with me.  I hate that I don’t understand my own calmness. I never thought I would be capable to be so zeroed in on you God. This extremely frustrating feeling of wanting to explode is not fearful. I’m walking on water. 

I hate that I don’t know this daughter to the king Crysta like the back of my hand. It’s not your will for me to know that and I’m okay with that.

I hate that I’m not uncomfortable with not knowing what’s around the corner. I truly understand the only foundation you ever want all your children to comprehend is the free-falling fact of faith. You are our foundation. You allow us to see what we need to and you teach us to be okay with that no matter what. The tidal waves I’m experiencing now and will in the future are all apart of your grand design; I’m walking on the water as my eyes are fixed on you and that will never change.

I trust you God. I believe in you. I’ll never stop looking up. That I don’t hate and I never will. You will always be my anchor. I love you beyond expression.

Love your daughter.

This is path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Wrestling

Dearest Abba,

You are wrestling with me. I find it extremely uncomfortable but I’m grateful that you love me enough to ignore my complaints and trust that I’ll eventually rise above my clouded emotions and seek truth. It becomes glaringly obvious as days go on you have not only equipped us with the gift of the Holy Spirit found through salvation of Jesus Christ as the truth factor; but our lifeline to survive on this planet. Being a proud follower of Jesus Christ and having the opportunity to be a born again believer is a true blessing. It also shows me that I’m pretty limited in terms of having company. I’m slowly starting to see that it’s not lonely but rather an opportunity to draw closer to you. You work through me and expand me as your vessel to do your work. The edification of your kingdom comes first not for me to get caught up in temporary emotions. 

Lately, without even realizing it my heart was hardening and my mouth was closed. And then this happened… “The enemy will try and keep your mouth closed with discouragement but push through and open your mouth to spread your gifts. Don’t let him win.” That was said by the super cool and anointed teen pastor at my church this past Friday to me and Jojo* and I fought back tears. Just before I heard those words, I cried at the most beautiful witnessing of 90 teenagers surrendering their lives to God and living for Jesus. The tears kept coming and I had an inkling something bigger was happening then I felt freedom. As if a chain I didn’t realize I had was broken. There was a revival within me. I felt my heart beating with a new appreciation. I felt lighter.

I won’t pretend to always understand the decisions you place on my heart God; especially if they cause me to be hesitant in listening to them. However, your wrath petrifies me the most. After my hissy fits, I do as you command. I truly love serving in ministry. It’s an honor and true privilege to go lower. The more I serve the more I appreciate. For some reason Abba you gave me a big heart that just loves hard. I also see that you gave me the ability to pick up things that I sometimes wish I didn’t; it makes me frustrated to be Christian. Because those moments I see nasty attitudes, fake personas or mistreatment I want to forget about being Jesus-like and deck first ask questions never. But thankfully my fear in you keeps me accountable to not act on my initial emotions. It keeps me in a spirit of prayer and I’m thankful for that. It’s still discouraging to be within six degrees of these circumstances because I love serving the Lord, I love the messages but there’s a heartbreaking disconnect. You are bigger. “With God, there is nothing you can’t handle.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

I’m so thankful that you put in my heart to seek spiritual mentoring for my growth in this walk. There’s so much you’re teaching me and it’s exciting because learning is my stimulation and a positive offset to idolatry and idleness. It took me a long time to recognize that boredom walks a fine line of danger that could lead to an opportunity for the enemy to feed lies; or give me the excuse to hold onto something in my heart: festering frustration. I don’t always succeed in seeing these moments, naturally none of us will. We’re flawed humans that organically miss the mark. But we have a perfect savior that’s guiding us and wraps up in his righteousness. Our consistent protection is the Holy Spirit. I would be my own worse enemy if anything was left to me. I breath easier knowing that you are the pilot and author of my life God. You see all because you created all. I’m only permitted to see through my limited lens. My eyes only sees glimmers aka what you allow me to see.

You’re wrestling with me as I write these words because you’re putting in my heart to write about topics I have no desire to write about. Clearly that’s not going to interfere with the grand design so here goes nothing:

The Six Degrees surrounding Crysta (thanks Jojo*)

You blessed me with the amazing opportunity to serve in two wonderful ministries at my church. Children are your magic and the fact that you equipped me with the gift to not only interact with them but assist in their development AND teach them about you is beyond winning. I’m left in complete awe. I’m five years old all over again believing I’m going to get a flying unicorn and meet a mermaid like Ariel. That innocence and pure joy is infectious to be around. It makes me a better woman of God. It makes me a better human overall. Especially because I’m becoming more appreciative and sensitive to everything around me. I look forward to serving every month. When it’s over, I’m sad and I count down the days until I serve again. The unity and pure joy I see in all my fellow helpers and workers makes me extremely proud to be apart of this team. There’s genuine love and support and it’s so welcoming. There’s just one love, one focus: edifying the kingdom of God and serving the Lord by bettering these amazing kids. I’m so ecstatic that this children’s ministry was put on my heart. I can’t believe two months has already past. It went by too fast.

The other ministry is the young adult ministry. I love this ministry so much. I love the vision of focusing on Jesus Christ and introducing his great name to the youth and/or refreshing this fact to those that do. I will always stand by the fact that this place saved my life by bringing me to life. Before setting foot in that sanctuary, I was the walking dead and a few steps from just ending it all. The moment I entered that place I remember it like yesterday, I felt the presence of God. I don’t know how I knew that in that moment because I wasn’t saved at the time but I just did. This special anointed ministry lead by two amazingly special people, gave me an invaluable gift: learning the LOVE of Jesus Christ. My first instinct was to pay it forward. I was so hungry and eager to spread the love of God. To  truly learn and understand what that encompasses. But Jojo* was like pause, pump your breaks. There’s steps to this… like joining the church. I didn’t like that logical example because I’m #teameagerbeaver

From Day 1 in October 2013 to the present has been one exciting and challenging ride. I take it all because it gives me you, Lord. I work on surrendering vertically everyday. I’ve experienced a lot of hissy fits and continue to experience them because of what I saw and what I continue to see. Despite my deep love and appreciation for this anointed place, I get very discouraged when I see younger individuals with so much potential on this walk feel discouraged or look it because of the lack of reception, which leaves them feeling unwelcome. Every time I see this, it leaves me in my feelings and then I get angry because I see that they don’t have the ability to compartmentalize; and just focus on the presence of God to take in the joy of Jesus in this special place. I sadly don’t see some of these faces anymore and that has me sitting up in my room pondering well were they self harmers discouraged away? Were any of them walking the line of suicide? Were there people that have addictions that are trying to fight them pushed away? I hurt for unjust circumstances. If we’re all one through the blood of Jesus why isn’t there complete unity here? There’s just hurdles of a few. Jesus would go back for one missing sheep so why aren’t we? There’s some people I serve with on my sub team that aren’t even around anymore. That hurts. Why aren’t we in their face like yo what’s really good? We’re not leaving until you spill. 

I didn’t realize that I had all this hurt festering inside until I vented to a servant leader regarding an observation. I was really surprised that they not only saw what I saw but agreed with me. I truly thought I was alone in these observations thinking I only cared and wanted better. The bigger picture is at stake: the lives of the youth. Unity is so important but to a youth feeling welcomed is ten times more important aka their whole galaxy. It gives them a sense of belonging. And everyone wants to feel like they belong. Not everyone is in the maturation mindset to fully grasp that the only place we will EVER truly feel like we belong is in Jesus Christ, which we already have through salvation. Until that mental registration clicks we have to get better at meeting people where they are at and loving them through the place God needs them to be.

This conversation also opened my eyes to a different perspective as an outsider. Naturally building anything with consistent faces will create history but most importantly friendships that over time become tight knit. Tight knit friendships are a beautiful special bond. They’re truly a blessing and amazing. Sometimes, it can create such a familiarity and comfort that the idea of seeing change or new faces isn’t something that can be grasped far less practiced. Change is scary. Changes mean things won’t be the consistent familiarity that some of these individuals knew for years on end. After understanding that from the outsider perspective I had a better grasp of the mindset. However, God doesn’t live in comfort zones. God lives in the realm of discomfort, which is why he wrestles with us. We naturally want to resist change. I do, all the time. It’s scary makes me feel like I’m breaking out in invisible hives. Makes me want to run. Like leave America run. Last month I wanted to move to Canada, both God and Jojo* laughed at me. Running is easier for me. That’s how I handle resisting change. Everyone handles resisting change differently. I now see this cold and unwelcoming persona given off by some as a possible resistant to change. But it doesn’t hurt me. It doesn’t even hurt them. It  hurts the bigger picture: the youth. That should always be the focal point. Always.

We shouldn’t allow the discomfort we feel to give us the excuse we need to resist the wrestling because we’re scared. God doesn’t have time for that. It’s not about us. It’s about the fact that we’re needed for the edification of the kingdom. We’re needed to be the eyes and ears of the lives of tomorrow: the youth. That’s what truly matters. It’s the second most important commandment. Love your neighbors. Is this easy? Of course not, it’s like I’d rather have a root canal. I walked away from that conversation with a better understanding of this sentence: You’re biggest strength is your biggest weakness. Relationship building is not easy and does not come naturally for everyone. It definitely doesn’t come naturally for me. Sure, I can be nice to a mushroom and share my testimony freely because it edifies God. That doesn’t mean I trust you with my vulnerability. I’m an onion. There are layers to my vulnerability. Jojo* calls me out on this all the time. It truly sucks and she pushes me and I can’t stand it. But this isn’t about me and my feelings. God uses her as a vessel. I actively work at surrendering so I’m open to this wrestling that God so *awesomely* puts me through. It’s like back to back man… {slaps forehead.}

God also put it in my heart to reach out to Harper* and I thought God was completely out of his mind. Please don’t act like you never thought God wasn’t crazy for putting something on your heart that you absolutely do not want to do or think is insane. If you said no, you’re lying and that’s a shame because Jesus is listening. I totally ignored it for like a week and then forgot about it. Until one morning Jojo* convicted me and I was so upset with life because I knew I had to do it. I can’t get a grasp on this Harper* thing and that drives me nuts. Completely in the air and unpredictable. Literally nothing. I pick up things I don’t care for but this I got nothing… ha, just even more proof anything given to us is for the betterment of others not ourselves that edifies God. Not trying to figure out what’s happening in our lives. THAT is for God. We’re supposed to just let him work. The outcome of being obedient to this task hurt but I took that to God and that’s when I let my imagination get the better of me because I thought I was moving to Canada. I was like yes, no more seeing nonsense and thinking it’s unfair. No more whatever Harper* is w h a t a j o k e . c o m; seeing him yesterday was hard and I prayed for strength and God gave it to me. I’m hopeful I’ll keep succeeding in this realm. Leaning on God, not me. I’m stupid and do idiotic things, especially with guys. Crysta is dangerous. Thank God I’m daughter to the king and will always choose to be her. I’ll keep saying your will not mine so that I’m not caught up in my emotions. I can’t stand being hurt. Instead of feeling the pain I mask it with anger. My emotions want me to feed the desire to run.

Up until Friday, it seemed like it was impossible to accomplish loving people where they are and praying for where they need to be. That chain breaking tendered my heart. Yesterday at church I encountered unwelcoming and fake personas but instead of meeting those emotions and reacting I prayed for strength and asked God to lead me to what he wants me to do. I said hi and got no response. And that’s okay. I can’t react to anything that’s not love. God is love. That’s it. Anything else I feed, opens the gateway of the enemy to allow him to harden my heart and shift my focus. I love God so I love where he is: everywhere. I love what’s most important to him: his people. Loving all people is that easy? Of course not, people try me all the time. But I have to go against what comes naturally to Crysta acting like ‘whack’ people don’t exist. Shutting them down, etc. Who am I flawed sinner, just like them full of bologna, just like them to call them names or box them in a category. God doesn’t do that, so why should I? I finally get the surface cannot be paid attention to. Everything has a deeper meaning. It’s a complete pet peeve of mine to see individuals be selective with whom they want to be welcoming to or who they want to be fake to. What truly makes me see red above all else is when someone has the audacity to blindside someone or attempt to mistreat them. That happened to Jojo* a few weeks ago. I think I saw so much red I was red. I was mainly hurt because it’s so unnecessary. Sisters should be sisters not catty. It probably solidified the hardening of my heart and I was slowly starting to check out from a place God called me to. Then the witnessing of lives surrendering to Jesus just broke that chain thankfully as well as those encouraging words. Also known as God intervening… Thank you God.

It’s registered that I must constantly stay in a state of prayer. It’s registered that I have to love people where they’re at as challenging as they make it and pray for them to be where God needs them to be. I may be the only one praying for them as God’s vessel. Prayer is powerful and they’re always answered. I pray that one day they’ll be more unity, more focus on the bigger picture less unnecessary coldness and unwelcoming behaviors. I’m choosing to not feed the easy choice of paying attention to face value scenarios and praying with belief that you’re working Abba. Because you can make anything happen. All we need is a muster seed. Keep doing you Abba. Thank you in advance. Love your daughter.

P.S. I’m being still to the best of my ability although it’s hard career wise and Harper* wise. Everything I attempted to do you shut down so I get it now. I’m done. I’ll just sit as I want to pull my teeth out in frustration, which you’ll probably stop. You got this all.

Thanks for reading beautiful readers. Until next time, God loves you so much. John 3:16. Romans 2.12 don’t be afraid to be worked on. Wrestle with God because it’s not for you. It’s for those around you who need it more.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Depression

Yesterday the world lost an actor, a father, a friend and a son. His name was Robin Williams. The media fed us that it was an alleged suicide that caused this tragedy. I didn’t personally know Robin Williams and those that did were so blessed to have known him for as long as they did. I grew up on the amazing Robin Williams train as an 80s baby with Jumanji, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, the list is honestly endless. And who can forget Sesame Street? When you saw Robin Williams you felt happy, you laughed until you cried with cramps in your stomach and there was always joy because God blessed him with the ability to make others laugh despite what was internally going on with him. I don’t remember when he bravely came out and admitted he suffered from manic depression but he did. A person that can make you laugh and feel good despite having inner turmoil is truly talented and gifted. There’s a sadness that I feel with his passing. There’s a level of shock, and honestly, my feelings aren’t as important as his families and his friends. My prayers and thoughts are with them. I’ll keep praying for God to give them the strength to get through these moments and I also pray that Robin Williams’ soul finds our amazing Savior. Robin Williams can never be replaced and he’ll be so missed by his family, friends and his fans. As someone who loved him as well, I pray that he’s resting in peace.

Depression is so real, living it, being around it, and the suffocation that occurs cannot be put into words. The numbness and emptiness is so severe you start thinking your body has holes and there’s wind passing through the gaps where your body should be. It’s a lifetime wrestle that can be won, especially if you let go and let God. Trust me, that’s what pulled me out of my depression. Not the anti-depressants, not the therapists, although it’s progress but those don’t always work (sadly.) It was Jesus’ love that saved me. It was Jesus’ love that taught me I am a masterpiece and I’m worth fighting for because Crysta matters. I was compelled to write I suppose for some time but the shocking death of one of my favorite comedians and actors pushed me to write about the severity of depression. I also found out about Robin’s death on social media yesterday. The lack of understanding of what depression does to a person literally broke my heart. We live in a society that is in the habit to judge and label first and ask questions later. It goes even further than that: there’s no desire to understand. Every human on this planet whether they want to admit it or not wants to be loved and understood. We all bleed red. We are all humans that need oxygen to exist and we all speak several languages whether it’s English, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, French or something else I never heard of personally; so that leaves the opportunity for communication and connection. This is what God wanted. That’s how he designed this planet. This is why he sacrificed his only son so that we can all live. Not just the believers, but the waivers, the non believers, especially the non believers because there blinded by lies. God didn’t only want us to live. He wanted us united and there for one another. This is why Jesus Christ is our savior and the only answer to everlasting life. Earth and all it’s possessions are temporary. Jesus didn’t die for us to judge each other, abuse each other, hate each other, bully each other, kill each other, and definitely not be insensitive to situations like deep depression/manic depression/bi-polar/anxiety and whatever else modern medicine can come up with this century as a name to this crappy illness. It feels like the title changes every hour. That could just be my perspective…

That’s what depression is: an illness, just like cancer, it can kill. It’s heartbreaking and tragic that Robin Williams lost his battle to this crappy illness. The level of loneliness that you feel when you’re depressed makes you feel like your dead on the inside and there’s a yearn to match the outside. You literally just want the pain, emptiness and loneliness to just all end by any means necessary. Can we undo yesterday? No all we can do as Christians is pray that Robin Williams’ soul finds God. God doesn’t speak the language of depression, as someone that currently thrives the battle of depression I do know and can say that. It’s really hard to believe that when you’re walking in the pain and numbness because all you can see is the fog of unworthiness and emptiness. There is light and beauty on the other side. I’m living it. Am I saying that Robin Williams’ death could have been avoided? No, I’m not, I do wish it though. I’m not going to lie. Because Robin Williams’ life was so so so precious and mattered so much and we don’t know what he felt the final moments he had on this Earth. Or anyone else who took their life yesterday, today or pondering it now, their life was (is) precious as well and matters so much. All I can do is pray that Robin knew he mattered and that he was loved. He was so so loved by so many people (like me) that didn’t even personally know him. I loved him. I was team Robin. I almost wish I did know him. I don’t only pray for the soul of Robin Williams being with God and anyone else that took their life yesterday or anyone that’s done it today, or thinking about doing it now. Please, please please, if you take anything away, take this: it does get better. And please please reach out to someone if you’re thinking about killing yourself don’t be silent about it. Please. You are not alone. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give you a spirit of fear but a spirit of love, power and self-discipline.

The beautiful eyeballs that are reading these words, please know that you’re loved beyond comprehension or any conjured trajectory. AND…There’s also this cool massive plan God has, a far better plan than any plan you can ever muster up! All by taking the hand of Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. Stand strong my Siblings in Christ. It gets better. The tragic death of a beloved actor pushed me out of my comfort zone even more and encouraged me to have the bravery to open my typing mouth. IF there’s a small chance it reaches someone out here battling from depression in any form or entity. Once again: YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. I can’t stress that enough. Reach out to someone please, if you want to reach out to me, do it. I’m here for anyone always. Not just because we’re all one through the body of Christ but because I know what it’s like and I genuinely care. Modern day medicine has loads of labels and definition for how someone ‘feels.’ Only God and you would truly know how to walk in your shoes. Not doctors, not a diagnosis, and not a therapist, you. You and (God) are the best expert of being you. That’s the biggest lesson I learned and continue to learn with this wrestle I’m currently winning with depression. I also learned you’re not as alone as you feel. They’re people out here who do care and who do get it, besides me. Most importantly God gets it and is with you. Am I trying to ram God down anyone’s throat? No, but man, those that don’t know what it’s like to have him as your center are truly missing out!!! That I can say with conviction because I’m on the other side and it’s awesome. Awesome doesn’t even really describe the greatness truly. I suppose we can pretend it comes close for now.

My amazing walk with Christ is teaching me a lot. To really be pushed out of my CZ (comfort zone) in terms of communication, and well just feeling. I don’t like doing either. At least Worldly Crysta didn’t. She died. But there’s still residue, and I suspect there will always be residue in some shape or form. That’s fine. My God is greater and will equip me to conquer and thrive through fleeting moments that are all lies. I used to want to write a letter or not talk to someone all together than to admit that “Hey you hurt my feelings,” and even when I just “feel” it means my brain has room to get hurt. So the goal is to be numb, check out, or whatever one wants to identify that personal coping mechanism. I checked out or was numb. The sentence usually goes for every action there’s a reaction but for every action there’s a story. Every story has a beginning, a conception. Whatever is conceived grows. Depression goes beyond the saying what you think becomes bigger. Can depression be controlled? Honestly, that’s a question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or a simple no. It’s not that black and white, there’s shades of grey and color. Sure one can sit here and think what you think becomes bigger, but the entity of depression is so much deeper than that… there’s one’s life experiences to account for, there’s one’s home environment. The person could’ve experienced traumatic situations on an ongoing basis or it could have been one isolated disaster. There’s so many scenarios that could’ve occurred. Just like cancer doesn’t happen overnight, neither does depression. It grows over time sometimes rapidly and other times like a slow burning fire. It’s unpredictable like the weather and not easily cured. That’s how coping mechanisms occur: drinking, sex, drugs, being an adrenaline junkie or even a mixture of all four. It took so much selflessness for the late amazing Robin Williams to make all the ones he made laugh and happy in the dead middle of his inner turmoil. That’s a gift. That’s how we should remember him as well as all the other amazing works he’s done while we had him on this Earth. Life’s so short. Shorter than we even realize. What do we do as people to focus on then if that’s the case? How would we know where to search? I’ll tell you: The amazing word (Bible) is a great place to start.

I’m understanding more and more there’s a bigger need when I read the word. There’s this thirst and hunger to understand, to serve, to do more, to give more. I long to comprehend the Bible in it’s entirety and I would love this to be accomplished five seconds ago. I’m also just a flawed forgiven sinner that has instant gratification issues; and God’s teaching me how to chill out. He’s humbling me. I’m so grateful for that. So I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone…. Is it nice? What do you think? I’d rather have a root canal but I trust God. My surrendering on 6/1/14 was a revival I didn’t realize was needed. I’m not looking back or going back ever. Once you get a taste of real love no one would want to. So I say yes to whatever is around the corner and what’s in my face right now. God’s revelations hit you when you least expect it. That’s what he’s doing with me. Do I understand everything kind of. I’m going on a retreat next weekend that I’m really excited for. My first spiritual retreat, to be in the mountains/forest (and God) whatever, all green life to me is a forest because I’m a city girl. I’m a BK chick that’s used to hearing cats purr and the faint sounds of a sirens. Hearing crickets and my own in take of breath should be interesting. I’m just most excited to be away from the city with my Bible and a BUNCH of other Christians who are radical for God. 😀 #MOVEMENT2014 I believe there’s seats still available from August 22nd-August 24th. www.brooklyntabernacle.org/movement2014

I learned a lot since my last post a several weeks ago. The wrap up to the revival was the truth (sorry don’t remember details, basically revival starts with us…YOU.) Pastor Todd is just always dropping mics and pearls of wisdom. God is using him and his beautiful wife, Nicole so brilliantly and in such massive ways. I pray that God continues to bless their amazing family as they serve the kingdom of God. There’s nothing like serving. It’s literally the best feeling on the planet that nothing can quench or satisfy. I wish I can fast forward to the moment I start serving at BT. I also learned to always (at least the moments where I am consciously aware) to always come from a place of love. Do I always get it right? Of course not, do I mess up, you bet yummy cheese puffs I mess up. But I no longer see myself as a worthless mess. I see myself as a Godly mess that’s always being harvested by my amazing Savior. I’m weak and nothing without God. Life literally does not make sense without him at my core of my existence. I’m not sure how I walked this Earth before 6/1/14 without him as my center. I’m glad I never have to know. I literally can’t wait to serve in ministry as I take my Bible courses in the fall. I was called to do it. God entrusts me with such a precious task and I’m humbled. I also need to learn patience which I believe God is teaching me. 🙂

I bought a journal exactly a month ago and I use it as my gratitude journal. I write prayers to God everyday, or at least try to do one everyday, sometimes I do more than one. I thank him for all that he blessed me with: my health, my family, shelter, oxygen, my job, my Siblings in Christ, everything that I can’t even think of right now. And not necessarily in that order either 🙂 I may not be where I want to be but God has me exactly where he needs me to be. God’s smarter than I’ll ever be. Ever. The more I read the Bible the more I understand that fact. I’m reading the book of Genesis and it’s so deep that I take woosaa breaks from it, lol. Pastor Cymbala also shared a brilliant idea with reading at least one chapter of Old Testament with one chapter of New Testament. I’ve been doing that and that works out a lot better. I highly recommend for those that aren’t and are interested but I’m really typing to the people that aren’t interested. My heart yearns to reach them more. I tackle other books with Jojo* we’re reading Exodus and Corinthians together. But the part of Genesis that still sticks out in my brain is when God created Babel. I found it really funny because God’s got swag. He’s the creator of swagged out. He saw what his chosen children were about to do, which was build a big wall and God didn’t want that so he confused them and they no longer understood each other. That caused them to spread out making the wall idea no more. Guess what, we are ALL God’s chosen children! In case you need that reminder.

God babels us. Please believe that, especially if he sees that we’re going down the wrong path. Ever wonder why stuff just ‘isn’t going your way?’ that’s cause God doesn’t want it done. Ever wonder why it ‘took so long to get a job’ or why you can’t ‘find what you’re looking for’ well it’s God working behind the scenes he’s not ready for you to have anything or be anywhere. Sometimes the signs are obvious and sometimes the signs are not easily seen to the naked human eye. That’s why God blessed us with the same spirit that resurrected Jesus Christ. It’s always in the lane of truth. The more we feed it, the more it guides us and literally takes us in the direction that we need to be. Most of all I’m thankful for the ability to have a relationship with God through my personal savior Jesus Christ. God’s love and grace is endless. This gratitude journal really makes me see and appreciate the small stuff that completely went over my head before. I’m ashamed that the small amazing blessings went over my head because they are not something I have to have. It’s through the grace of God that I have them. I’m humbled that God is teaching me how to alter my vantage point. I’m so blessed. I can’t speak for others, but I know personally I can get caught up in not being able to pay this or not be in my own space or whatever your personal fleeting moment of marinating in the doubt sauce is. The bottom line is: Everything we experience now is a season, and it’s past tense. God works out all things for our Good. Even if it’s hard for us to see that.

Is this amazing journey with Jesus easy? Of course not. Learning how to just aspire, not even be like, because it’s impossible, to have eyes and a heart like Jesus is a tall order of yeah okay epic fail. He was perfect and we’re not. He was perfect and was still judged and still chose to die for our sins so we can live in his righteousness. The more that concept is understood the more the yearn to serve will want to be birth from within. My faith through God’s grace keeps increasing. I have faith that Robin Williams’ soul is at peace and any other souls that were lost that wasn’t mentioned. I know I didn’t mention this earlier but all the chaos going on with the world: Isis, the riot in Ferguson and anything else not caught up in the media will turn around because nothing is too big for God. We have a mighty God that’s already turn things around as we speak. The depression, the financial difficulties, the housing situations, that college loan, the relationships, or anything else that I didn’t list will be worked out. Letting go and letting God is not only freeing it makes God’s wrestle with you smoother. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done, like personal harvesting. God wants us focused on the vertical, him. He works out the horizontal, everything else. It’s his job. Not ours. I pray this reached someone out there. Remember God loves you. So do I. Your sister, Crysta. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*I change names for the protection of identities.

#MOVEMENT2014 #Depression #RIPRobinWilliams

Glamorizing

I had girls night out last night with a few of my gal pals that I haven’t seen in while. We went to see The Other Women and then grabbed tea afterwards. I had the desire to write what I believe will be a quick post (it’s me, we shall see, I’ll try) because of all the emotions I was feeling last night. It was great seeing the girls and really nice to catch up with them because they’re an awesome time and wonderful women. With that said, because of the path I’m on and the fact I choose God as my center, the things I notice around me seems to be very heightened these days. Now if I tie in the last few events that occurred, which has taught me to be more aware and case sensitive aka a better filter; I felt compelled to sleep on these words that were swimming in my head since last night. Going forward, as I said in my Ignorance post, I’m now very aware of how thin the line between opinion and judgment truly is. And I always want to come from a place of love because that’s what my heart is mostly consumed of. Hey, I’m still flawed, I have fatigue, frustration and even down right anger in there but they’re fleeting and minimal emotions and I truly have God’s love to thank for that.

A lot hit me all at once and I said to myself ‘whoa, brain chill, I can’t deal with all of this right now, give me a second, please.’ When I’m passionate about anything I go very hard about it. I have never been more passionate about anything in my life as I am for my path in Christ and putting God first. I will never get tired of expressing how amazing God is. Loving him, trusting him, choosing him is literally the best decision I ever made in my life. And I’m still breathing so I know the best is yet to come through our amazing God. He’s not done with my story and knowing that is very exciting. Aside from my choice in Christ and loving God and thinking everyone should be a Jesus groupie, that’s still my opinion. I can’t project my emotions on every single Homo sapiens on this circular sphere called Earth. It’s not my place. That’s the most glaring lesson I learned with my interaction with Daffodil last week. God doesn’t even do that, so who am I, a flawed forgiven sinner to even attempt to do that? It’s buffoonery that’s what so again, thank you Daffodil for teaching me how absurd it is to try and force one’s ideologies on someone else. We are all given the gift of choices by God. Whoever said “Live and Let Live” was so spot on.

Back to The Other Woman, the movie… as a Christian woman I knew going into the movies my eyeballs and eardrums would be consumed with ways of life that I don’t agree with. So I accept the movie as a face value experience to be entertained amongst good company. I was honestly pleasantly surprised the movie was pretty funny to the point I cried and my stomach hurt. Laughter is one of the fruits of my soul. It puts me at ease and it’s just so awesome. Cameron Diaz is extremely funny, she rocked it in this movie. I’ll just give the gist of the movie without spoiling it for those that actually want to see it. Cameron Diaz’s character, I think her name was Carly, plays a powerhouse lawyer who started dating a dud (I can’t remember his name) and he was married, but Cameron didn’t know that. The dud’s wife was played by Leslie Mann, who I absolutely adore, she’s such an amazing actress and absolutely hilarious she had the best lines in the movie overall. So Leslie Mann’s character was in the dark about her husband’s affair with Carly (Cameron DIaz). Once the cat was out of the bag, Leslie’s character confronted Cameron’s character and they ultimately became friends which oddly enough worked. They then discovered that he was having more than one affair, played by Kate Upton. She was also a woman that the dud was involved with aka lied to. SO these three women became friends and ultimately cooked up a plan to bring him down because he was stealing money from his investors. The journey to that mission has a lot of great humorous lines, so on a face value objective it’s an entertaining movie. If you dig a little deeper, like I did, then you might see (like me) how glamorized the film really was.

I’m a believer that chivalry isn’t dead. Society has somehow (sadly) created a disillusionment that it’s okay for a woman not to be courted; and even more alarming, have many women (including myself at one point) thinking when a man does try and court you that something is wrong with them or there’s a catch. Cameron’s character had a set ideology that there was no such outcome and that there was no happily ever after. In her eyes it will end up breaking apart anyway. I know the movie was in the world of make believe, but let’s call a spade a spade here and address that there are woman unfortunately who believe this blatant lie. I can speak for myself with certainty that I used to be one of those women. God’s love changed my heart and trajectory. The message I got from Cameron’s character in that moment was “keep dating wrong because you have no other choice.” My bafflement flared up and immediately thought that was sad. She was talking to Leslie’s character (who’s the wife) and she said she didn’t know what to do with her life now that she realized her husband’s a cheater who can’t keep it zipped up. Leslie’s character went on to say (I’m paraphrasing) that she hasn’t been single for a long time and when she was the “dating pool” was bigger now it’s smaller with middle aged weird men or something like that. All I could say was wow, these character’s perspectives are so heartbreaking. The glass to me is always half full not half empty.

In the moments I dug deeper with the movie I pocketed the observations in my brain for a later date, which I’m assuming were for now as I write this post; and I resumed to go back to the face value moment so that I can enjoy the movie and not feel like I wasted my money. I’m a lover of the humorous orbit so Crysta was going to laugh her hiney away. And I so did. I had to compartmentalize my emotions in order to do so. That was exciting because I had no idea I was capable of compartmentalizing!! That’s a pretty amazing victory for me because I finally understand there’s a time and a place for everything. It’s amazing how God is working on me. I love him so much!!! There’s no one like God!!! Nikki Minaj was also in the movie her character bothered me so much for so many different reasons; my brain was on overdrive. Nikki, to me is still a beautiful woman but she was better looking in the state God made her: pre plastic surgery. I’ve seen pre-famous pictures of her and I said to myself why did she do all those surgeries? I’m so confused. I just didn’t get it and I never will.

Fast forward to the movie, her character completely bothered me as a black woman seeing her in that state. She played a secretary (that part didn’t even bother me that much, but it wasn’t all that great either;) and she also played a woman who was materialistic (and shallow, she thought looks got you far) that broke up two marriages (hers and her current husbands) and justified her actions. SO many emotions ran through me in her 5 minutes of air time as a black woman, but mainly as a woman of God. I loathed that the sanctity of marriage was glamorized for the sake of entertainment in the formation of a ‘black barbie bimbo’ played by Nikki Minaj. AND then she said a line about her husband’s ex wife was Canadian, like that’s supposed to make it okay? I was confused by that line, maybe because Canadian’s are peaceful and that means they’re doormats? Um, negative half my family lives in Canada and they’ll take anyone down. I could be wrong but I felt like that line was a dig. I was raging on the inside in that moment. However, I was also the only black woman in the company I was with. My gal pals were Asian and Brazilian. I’m not saying they didn’t see what I saw, however, I will say it won’t affect them as much as it did me. The bottom line is they’re not black. I also learned that not every battle should be taken on. Silence is a very powerful tool but actions speak the loudest.The message I received from beginning to end regarding The Other Woman was ultimately learning your worth. That’s the message I choose to see the most because it’s the most positive message from the movie. Positivity breaths life and trumps everything in my world.

Now that that’s out of my system I can go on to discuss the sit down with my gal pals. I’ll give them names so it’s less confusing. We’ll call them Anabel, Bianca and Jasmine. I’ll also give a slight back story to the origin of our camaraderie. We all meet in the days of the D2D world. (D2D=Door to Door) We also all left that experience at different times. I can’t really call it a job because it was a life experience for me. We were catching up having girl chat. They asked me if I stilled talk to people from that place I said not really, just one Jared is what I’ll call him and everyone else no. They pretty much told me the same thing. Anabel told me a story about a few people that are still in that world and the stories were just drama like on the level of the Young and the Restless, which I love by the way. #SoapHead but Young and the Restless isn’t real and I treat it as entertainment. When she was telling me about these people cheating, fighting, stitches I said to myself, wow Thank You God for pulling me out of that dark place. It’s so glaring to me more and more now how dark and empty that place was. There’s absolutely no light when it comes to that world. Can’t speak for anyone else but I choose light any day of the week, every second, every hour, every breath I take. I choose to move with God only.

Of course I said wow that place is a dark abyss and the three of them laughed. I actually wasn’t trying to be funny but that’s when I notice people laugh the most so I’m like whatever, I guess I’m funny. Of course me being Crysta I kept going hard and passionate about how that place sucks your soul and makes you become a skeleton. So I back pedaled when I heard silence and some defense in their voices. So I chilled out, and realized it was too much. Then they asked me about my love life. What I really wanted to say was my love life involves Jesus that’s all I need right now. Something stopped me though, probably God, because he’s an awesome genius like that. Instead, I said I’m focusing on my amazing kids I tutor and just Crysta. So they went on and said so you’re not dating I said no. Why continue to date the wrong man that will lead to no where fast? Anabel said you kind of have to do that there is no right guy or way. I really didn’t know how to answer her without coming off insensitive or too strong in my beliefs so I said nothing and just listened to her. I went with a different tactic and talked about when I went to this spot in LES called B.O.B. with Jojo for her birthday and told them about a guy that literally undressed me with his eyes. So I said to him do you go to church because I do and he looked at me like I was crazy. They all laughed. Then Bianca said yeah I would have looked at you like you’re crazy too. I said why? I love church I’m not ashamed of loving God. Silence again. Then Bianca said but you’re proactively pushing men away. No, I’m proactively keeping the wrong ones away. And that’s all God. God knows what he’s doing.

Somehow we got on the topic of sex and I immediately said sex is dangerous. Jasmine said it’s fun. I turned and said, sex gets you in trouble. And it does especially if it’s not done within the sanctity of marriage. I didn’t say the marriage part because I wanted to be respectful of their choices. The life I used to live that I’m so happy I don’t anymore is a similar path they’re walking currently. I choose abstinence and not the practice of premarital sex because it’s a hollow act and wasted energy that doesn’t fill that empty void in your heart. Only God can do that. I love these women. I want them happy and feeling fulfilled because they’re incredible women. Somehow, I suspect they don’t realize how incredible they are but again, just my opinion and I could be wrong. I saw unhappiness in their eyes, especially when we were talking about work. Anabel is SO smart and creative. To me her passion and calling from Crysta’s observation is artsy and event planning. Instead she’s doing a desk job with lots of administrative work that seems to be stifling her gifts and desires. When I struck that cord I saw I hit a nerve too raw that she wasn’t ready to feel or dissect so I switched topics. Bianca is beyond smart like she’s a walking dictionary; a brilliant mind. She’s very passionate about making a difference on the level of changing the world. She also does a desk job in Human Resources. Her brain needs to constantly be stimulated and it’s good that her job keeps her on her toes because she works well under pressure. Like Anabel, Bianca isn’t madly in love with what she does either and I don’t get why it has to be like that for them. Now we have Jasmine who’s in sales. Sales is probably the most stressful career direction anyone could tackle on and experience on a day to day basis. Jasmine looks stressed and she’s so smart and capable it’s really annoying to see her in a job she literally dislikes. She’s got such a brilliant business mind and she’s so passionate about photography it hurts my brain to try and decipher why she’s not pursuing what God put in her heart. It actually hurt my head to try and grasp why any of them are not going after what God put in all of their hearts.

It hit me last night when I was talking to Jojo that because I see it doesn’t necessarily mean they do. They’re not at the point of seeing it, yet or maybe they won’t at all. I’m not sure why God equipped me to see the things I do but he’s done it for a reason. I trust him. And I really hope that I came off from a place of love with them last night. I just want what’s best for them and to see them truly happy. God knows what’s in my heart and I hope they do as well. I know at times I can come off very strong, and blunt but I truly do mean well. Just like the three of them I’m a working progress walking this path called Christ. All our stories are still being written. Until the next adventure, this path called life.

 

Ignorance…

      Last night I went to this amazing restaurant called Milk River. It also had a lounge on the second floor. I went there with Jojo and our friend we meet at movie night through BT Transitions when we went to see Noah last month. Her birthday is Monday and we had a grand ol’ time. Let’s call her Milan because I’m convinced I was Italian in another life and I’m dying to go there. I love everything Italian and the men aren’t to bad on the eyes either 🙂 Also it’s the first name that popped into my head. Anyway, the food at Milk River was incredible, however, I wasn’t wise when I ate (amazingly tasting) sushi (spicy crabmeat, seafood and shrimp tempura) rolls a few hours prior. I honestly forgot how filling sushi was (well the cooked roles anyway, no judgment, but I’m not trying to get mercury poisoning.) Back in high school, about 80 years ago, I ate all kinds of sushi rolls (cooked, non cooked) what felt like on an everyday basis. Thank God I never experienced mercury poisoning, God was smiling down on me. As he always is because he’s truly an amazing God that I’m so grateful for beyond expression.

      What inspired this post was a few events that occurred recently in my life. Let’s start with the most glaring that’s waving it’s imaginary hand in my cerebral circumference. A woman named Daffodil, that’s what we’ll call her. That’s an interesting looking flower and this woman has an interesting ideology. I’m a big tweeter, I mainly tweet about the amazing Lord and what he’s done through me and for me and it’s not even the tip of the iceberg yet. I’m just excited to be on this path called Christ. I recently made changes to my bio on twitter that says aspiring blogger/writer. And I suppose my love and praise for God increases by the day, so there are more individuals that are following me that also love God and other things, hey, no judgment again, because I’m not God the almighty. I’m aware we all have our own opinions and ways of life. On the one hand, I think God made us all unique for specific reasons so that we can contribute to this amazing world through the gifts he’s given us. And on the other hand, sometimes I just see it as okay, you’re entitled to how you feel but respect and be open minded to other views as well. Other wise you can come off small minded and ignorant. And they say ignorance is bliss.

      Back to Daffodil. By the way, interesting doesn’t necessarily mean ugly, they’re just interesting and different. There’s no other flower that quite looks like a Daffodil… with that said. This woman, Daffodil doesn’t believe in abortion, which is an extremely case sensitive topic and every woman on this planet is triggered differently when they see or discuss this word: abortion. With that said, Daffodil, believes that abortion should be abolished. She initiated a conversation with me via direct message on twitter and asked me to I believe sign something that I’m assuming is an amendment of some sorts. I told her that I’m pro choice. I truly believe every woman on this planet deserves to do what they feel is right for their body and what is right to them in that moment. I personally don’t believe in abortion either. I cannot see myself ever doing that, but I was also never put in predicament that warranted to make a choice like that. As I said earlier this word triggers various emotions in women. I believe from the moment of conception the child inside is life. I know women who feel differently, and I honestly believe they’re entitled to their emotions because it’s attached to them. I also know women who’s had abortions as well, and they’re reasons are their own. I’m not going to judge them or think less of them, name call etc. A woman has her own reasoning for doing what she does. I’m also intelligent enough to understand there is also a term called medical abortion where there’s no other choice. As sad as all these circumstances are, that decision is one of the hardest decisions a woman would ever have to make. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that decision stays with these women for the rest of their lives. Again, I don’t have factual evidence based off my theory but it can’t be an easy decision either way. I’m just a forgiven sinner who’s heart goes out to those in these situations. I’m not God.

      That’s what I told Daffodil, that I’m not God and neither is she, however, I supposed that didn’t rub her the right way because she sent me a page long rant about not being a real Christian and not being compassionate and it’s murder and I’m supporting murder. I’m starting to see there’s a thin line between opinion and judgment. This isn’t something I was aware of before. My ignorance to this notion was bliss, now that I’m aware, I’m definitely going to be more considerate with my words going forward. The most important practice in my life right now is staying on the path of Christ. On the one hand, I should thank Daffodil for opening my eyes to this notion, for that I’m grateful for. At first when I read her words, I was mad, naturally because it felt like an attack of my character and I wanted to naturally defend myself. Then I took a deep breath, possibly mumbled the word that rhymes with itch under my breath and THEN I spoke to my dad. He’s someone that I go to when my feisty side wants to take over and wreck havoc, which I like to believe is the devil. I know he’s a liar so I won’t entertain that side when I’m actively aware it’s attempt to consume me. After I ran the conversation by my father, he hysterically laughed. That gave me a calmness so I naturally started laughing as well. Plus, my father’s laugh is very contagious. My father said that’s a great way to see things Crysta. You believe what you believe but you also see that others have a right to feel what they feel. Then he told me Pope Francis caught a lot of flack for saying who’s he to judge regarding homosexuality. Roman Catholics went down his throat. My parents are devoted Roman Catholics, I grew up in the Roman Catholic world. As a young adult woman, I’m a devoted God lover that actively seeks his center and direction.

      Here’s where I’m deeply confuddled: (Crysta’s word for confusion) Who is any man to come down the throat of Pope Francis, the highest voted in the Roman Catholic world to say he was ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ to feel he’s not in the position to judge or saying anything? The reality is, he’s not. Neither am I, and neither is Daffodil. Only God is. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinions. But where does the line stop drawing in the sand? And where do you begin to come off judgmental? Is an individual so tunneled in vision of their belief of pro life, like Daffodil is, that she doesn’t see she’s coming off judgmental? Are the Roman Catholics that went down hard on Pope Francis are? If so, what would get them to see to stop, be still and listen to God. I believe somewhere down the line, they stopped listening to that still voice of God. The way we listen affects what we hear. When we hear nothing, we must stop, be still and find God’s voice. Although, sometimes not hearing God is him working and preparing us, but in this case, I don’t think that’s what was occuring.

      I also went to Transitions last night. It was a part two series titled: I don’t Know What to Do. Such an amazing service. I took away so much from it. Pastor Todd said that how we listen affects how we hear. He used this cool story about when he was driving, he was jamming to his loud music, and a cop car was trying to pull him over. He didn’t see or hear the car and by the time he paid attention there were six cars behind him. That automatically made me think about those individuals that came down hard on Pope Francis and Daffodil. At first, I would have called them ignorant and small minded but then I’d be falling under the same category of judgment. That’s not my role or place, it’s only God. I slept on this thought and I realized that I was judging Daffodil, and that’s not my place regardless if she’s judging me. I also realized that Ignorance is Bliss has a new meaning to me. We’re ignorant to certain views because they’re blinders on that haven’t been lifted. For example, talking to Daffodil taught me there’s a thin line between an opinion and judgment. I never made that connection before this conversation. God wanted me to learn that lesson and I’m glad I get it now. The last thing I want to do is step into a role that’s not meant for me. I no longer think Daffodil is small minded nor do I think those individuals that came down hard on Pope Francis are small minded. I believe they’re blissfully unaware they’re walking in fog of Ignorance. I could be wrong, hey I’m just man, walking around on this planet as a forgiven sinner who chooses to be in the center of God.

      As I was writing these words Daffodil continued to go on her rant, and even me calling it a rant is judging. She sees what she sees because they’re her beliefs. She’s convinced in her conviction. Her trajectory is pro life abolish the rest. I cannot take that away from her. What I can say is, her beliefs are her own, she cannot make someone see what she sees. That’s not her place because she’s not God and God won’t even do that. God is a believer of those who follow me will be full of riches. It’s a choice left up to us. Of course he wants us to choose him but it’s still left in our hands. Pastor Todd also used another brilliant example of our amazing God. I swear, God is using Pastor Todd for astonishing things and he’s touching so many lives. This is just the tip of the iceberg for Pastor Todd. God is truly awesome. He has the cutest baby like ever. His son was playing with his toys and wandered off into the kitchen and was playing with an electrical cord. How Pastor Todd tied that in left me feeling in an aha moment. He said God leaves us with everything we will ever need, compassion, love, forgiveness, direction but we wander off and start touching things we have no business touching. That was such a profound life altering moment for me. I truly believe we all have internal battles that we fight; I know I do. If you don’t then you’re awesomely perfect. Rock out with your bad self and pin a rose on your nose. I don’t have that luxury. I now realize why I’m glad I don’t. Because I’ll stop having the feeling that I’m being taught by God everyday. I don’t ever want to lose that feeling. I don’t know more than God and I never will. I don’t want to know more than him because my brain will explode. The moment I stop feeling like I’m no longer learning from him is the moment I’m in deep doo-doo trouble and I gotta stay on my knees and Power Pray until I get back on track.

      I just realized if I allowed the conversation with Daffodil to continue it would have never ended and it could have possibly turned ugly. I don’t want that. My last comment to her was Only God can judge. I told her to stop judging and I also told her it’s not Godly. Women have their own personal reasons for choosing that path. Daffodil can continue to send me messages and I’ll continue to not answer because the conversation is over. She believes what she believes, which she’s entitled to. And I believe what I believe. The bus stops there. Unfortunately, I had to block her because her continual messaging is excessive. Now, it’s coming off very forceful. It’s such a sad and unfortunate thing to see someone that calls themselves a Christian who quotes the Bible coming off so judgmental and forceful. It’s not fair because those that waiver and deeply want a relationship with God will come across people like Daffodil and be turned off. And they suffer because they won’t be healed by being in the center of God. There’s no hard feelings or lost love; I still wish her the best. Because I also know God is bigger than everything and he will find a way to prevail. Now that I got that off my chest I can move on. Back to my foodie swag.

      Milan, Jojo and I all ordered a dish called chicken and waffles. The chicken was so deliciously battered, whatever secret remedies the chef used had me wanting to create a crime of breaking in and finding that recipe. It was that real. My taste buds swooned. It was love at first sensation. Saliva and seasons were finally one. Milk River is a bit pricey but it’s worth it to me. I highly recommend the greatness. Not to mention they have a live band, that plays amazing songs and they sound so wonderful. If you live or are near the Brooklyn area, on Fulton Street going past Barclays Center, check it out. You won’t be disappointed. That wasn’t the best part of the night, our amazing conversations were. Milan is a pretty incredible woman, who’s so strong and a go getter. I admire her so much. She’s been through a lot. But what’s the most inspiring part about her is the fact that her inner light shines so bright it’s beautifully blinding in the midst of all the dark hurdles she’s been through and survived. I know that we all have our battle wounds, they don’t make us weaker, they make us stronger. Milan tenacity just leaves me in awe.

      Milan is in a similar season currently that I was in when I was involved with Anderson. She’s so beautiful and powerful beyond her understanding. She doesn’t even get a fraction of her gifts and purposes on this planet. Very very similar to how I was with Anderson last year, which he tried to contact me a few weeks ago; i just blocked him. I refuse to let that poison back into my life. It’s interesting and funny, I didn’t hear or feel God’s presence that strongly when I was around him. It was a faint whisper. The moment I cut Anderson out of my life, my spirituality grew tremendously. I became so centered and at peace with God that I never ever felt when I was involved with him. In fact, it was like being around lies, what the devil tries to do. He tries to feed on anxiety, worry and insecurities. It took me a long time to realize that Anderson’s aura is wicked, emotionally manipulative, secretive, and all things of darkness. Yet he called himself a man of God. It’s scary to think that’s his perception. I pray he does truly become a man of God. But he can do it far away from me. I never want to cross paths with Anderson again and I truly believe God wants that for me as well. There were so many signs in the beginning that I just ignored, because I didn’t understand that was God’s voice warning me. The shivers every time Anderson said something dark, I just shook off.

      I’m so glad God was patient and loving enough to stick it out with me until I finally got it. He had to break me down to build me back up, stronger, better, wiser. I’m so grateful to God almighty for giving me this second chance of clarity. I’d rather die than to ever waiver from God ever again. It’s a no brainer for me to stay on this path of purity and righteous of God because this is the best option. I lived the other path and it’s dark, empty and lonely. God’s center is so fulfilling and peaceful. With all that said, I see so clearly what Milan struggles with, it’s like a replay of Anderson and myself. I truly believe everything is predestined. Like God knew I wasn’t going to listen to him, because he probably knew I’d come back to him. My test with Anderson is his testimony for Milan and other amazing women I’m sure he’s going to use me to impact. I’m proud of the hurdles I went through because they’re being used to uplift others. I’m just glad that God gave me the strength and the endurance to be built back up again.

      I’m starting to comprehend even more my stories are going to be used by God to be messages and testimonies and I’m honored and proud to contribute to God in anyway I possibly can. It’s freeing, peaceful and true happiness. My mess is now seen as a message to inspire and help others. My heart swells with pride with knowing that. I’m no longer ashamed of these experiences. I was so mortified before. At times before, I used to want to die because I felt like such a epic failure. But I now understand they’re messages and testimonies that will be used by God. That’s how awesome God is. He’s the biggest and better than anything else. No matter what the devil tempts, once you stick with God you’re unstoppable and untouchable. Milan unfortunately doesn’t see that the guy she’s currently dating is toxic in her life and will only attempt to out her light within. He wants to damage her like how Anderson wanted to damage me. Broken people break. But God is so much bigger than that dud’s attempt. That’s why he’s put me in her life. And that’s why Jojo’s in her life too. When we saw a picture of this guy last night she was amazed at all we pointed out just by seeing his picture. Jojo’s reaction was priceless. She was silenced. I glanced at the picture and immediately turned my head away. Milan wasn’t aware of what I did but realized what Jojo did.

      I have learned through a series of events that my ability to express myself can be very well, not so nice sometimes and it leaves me thinking: I just have diarrhea of the mouth. With that said, I’m learning how to articulate myself so that I won’t rub anyone the wrong way anymore. I’m a newbie at it and in that moment I had nothing nice to say or the ability to express myself that wouldn’t come off offensive so I turned my head away. Luckily for me, Milan was paying more attention to Jojo. Jojo also had nothing nice to say but she’s better at this articulation than I am. And she said he’s a waiver that’s conflicted. That’s nice pretty, fluffy and savvier than what I would have said. My dude is dark and toxic to Milan. Later than night we had a two hour conversation in her car in front of my house and it was so needed and I think she sees things a bit clearer. There was a lot she needed to get off her chest. I’ll keep praying for her and being that positive whisper in her ear because that’s the role God wants me playing. It’s so amazing how God can conquer all. I can’t wait to see what happens on the next adventure. Until next time, this path called life.

Forebearance…

This blog will be short and sweet. (Well at least that’s my trajectory….. I think it will be, bare with me.) I went to the Barclays Center tonight for the first time and I was too excited that it’s challenging to communicate in words. I felt like a kid in a candy store with the limitless options. You couldn’t tell this inner child anything, WHATSOEVER!!! Going to see the NETS LOSE wasn’t the highlight of my night, however, I technically went for the whole forebearance encounter. It was honestly worth it regardless of the results. I found out I can still project my voice from my diaphragm.Sort of random comment, but I used to be in a singing society as a child and I was a soprano that I apparently thought i lost but guess not….Because I clearly had serious reservations that I still possessed that quality. (It took the cool guy sitting next to me to say wow your voice projects, yay to that! Compliments go a long way man. Hey, he could have been lying either way, I’m sold.) It was a refreshing surprise to know I can still do it. (Hehe, I’m on this new hehe swag, ask my skillet Jojo, who I went to the game with. She claims my hehe sounds fake but I think it’s the most darling sound ever. Then again I’m me…. that’s subjective and biased. So what, though? Potatos Patotos… Like what does it matter in the grand scheme of things right?! Randomish part two?)

So yes, it wasn’t fun seeing Nets lose and in all honesty how they were playing in quarter one, the set up was very much “You’re losing this game.” And I’m honestly not trying to sound like a debbie downer pessimist. It’s truly something (for me) that was easily captivated and noticeable from the very beginning. It was cool that Rihanna was there but at the end it was not that cool because she made a rutkus with fans and leaving, like can I go home please? They acted like they were going to die. I get it: Rihanna is beyond talented and beyond beautiful, and I’m a fan. But people. She bleeds red just like the rest of us… it’s not that deep. I told my dad about the game when I came home and also mentioned that Rihanna was there and he was like Ahem: “Okay and… she’s always there she’s a Nets fan.” I can always count on my dad’s consistent blandness. He keeps it so indifferent it’s like okay can you get a different swag please? Just kidding, not really but that quality I really admire in my father a lot. And it’s probably why I respect and value what he says so much. I also know I’m very fortunate to have the relationship I have with my father and I do not take it for granted at all. I completely cherish it. I want it for as long as God blesses me with this experience. (I hope it’s forever and ever ever ever… infinity “ever”.)

What truly compelled me to write this blog was this guy named… let’s call him Marvin that Jojo and I meet tonight. For some reason I felt compelled to talk about God to him. Actually, I feel drawn to talk about God all the time and I actually mentioned God when I went to Mad Dogs to a really cool waitress that I might mention (if I remember) later on. Back to Marvin, he said he was from Ghana but I got the impression that he was trying to project himself to be much more ‘mature’ than he possibly was? Not sure if I’m making any sense, however, what lead me to this conclusion was the fact that Melvin said that he’s been with older women. At first I was completely confuddled (my extreme word for confusion) about the fact he kept saying he was worldly and been with older women. He was 23 (I think) and I made it clear I was 31 and he reminded me of my brother… and Jojo had to point out to me that’s a bruise to a guys ego… which I said I got, but i kinda don’t. I think it’s a compliment. Then again, I can be alone in that theory. I’ve made it very clear to Melvin that I was team Jesus so him mentioning his whole liking older women blah blah was a “Error, error, not reading” type of moment for me. UNTIL Jojo pointed it out to me. Okay, I guess I can be a bit naive sometimes…. Whatever, you can’t have everything right??

Anyway, I completely bypassed him saying all of that and i just spoke to him from the heart to Melvin. I think God took over when I was conversing with him, but for some reason I don’t think he heard what I was saying, or didn’t care to hear it. I honestly wasn’t trying to sound preachy or come off like my ish doesn’t stink, it does. I’ve made a lot of idiotic mistakes, that honestly I’m trying to train myself to see as something that was predestined to make me stronger, better, wiser, for those around me (including myself.) I’m a working progress just like everyone else walking on this circular sphere called Earth. With that said, I just saw soooooooooooo much potential in this young man and for some reason I have such a soft spot for young men in terms of making sure I can contribute in any shape or form to their development, I’ll do in a heartbeat. It has a lot to do with the fact I have a younger brother that I just want so much greatness for him I can’t think straight and I can’t even commute the desire into into words. Just like me, my brother’s a working progress; experiencing his own peaks and valleys and I make sure he knows to the best of my ability that I’m here for him in any capacity he needs me. I pray a lot for him. He has his own demons he fights and battles he experiences.

Tangent sort of but back to Melvin, lots of potential but dangling and dancing on a dangerous ledge called lust. Now I’m not the Pope John Paul, Ghandi, or Mother Theresa, I’d be blessed beyond comprehension if I’m half as great as them (not even, a quarter, who am I kidding) before I die, THAT would truly make me leave this world happy. I won’t hold my breath. However, if I had some semblance of a gift like this it would be completely awesome. With that said, I know I’m not even in their light year, far less neighboring planet. I’m okay with that. For some reason though something compelled me to say to Melvin that it’s not worth having premarital sex. I’ve done it. It sucks and there’s a level of emptiness that doesn’t make sense until you choose God as your center. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense to the unmarried eyeballs the read these words now but I’ve been on both sides. There’s this level of searching, and you don’t even comprehend that’s what you’re actively doing… there’s also this level of chasing, non satisfaction, like nothing will ever be enough. It comes in many masks and forms, ‘about that paper, grinding, chasing success, be rich for fear of being broke, etc.’ Don’t get me wrong success is awesome but the greatest type of success is the one God projected and prepared for you. That’s true happiness and peace. Those that ‘grind’ or whatever form it looks like will just move on to the next ‘project’ once conquered until you die. I know that sounds kind of depressing, possibly morbid but that’s what it boils down to truthfully. I realized that the closer I draw to God the more ‘brrr’ ‘error, error’ looks I get, and at this point I don’t care. Because if God is for you who can be against you? Absolutely no one. That’s who. Thinking about Melvin he did give me that look. I’m good at brushing things off. But I did see he was someone that does want to draw closer to God (unless he told me that just to try to get into my pants, ha, he tried it and epically failed.) and I saw that as my opening and capitalized on that. I just hope I got through to him. He was there with two of his other older siblings that ironically tried to speak the same message to him that he’s apparently not listening too (Again, this is what I was told, absolutely could have been puffy fabrications but I choose for this conversation to believe otherwise.) Hopefully the recurring theme will somehow click and connect with him on a level where he’d want to do something about it. It’s interesting though, on my twitter, I follow a lot of inspirational quoters (is that a word? It’s probably not, well it is today..) There was this one quote that was everything to me…

 

“We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.” –Madeleine L’Engle

 

This quote is so profound to me and just altered my brain is such a great way. I realized I need to get better at doing this. I get around cool people that I sense teeter on the ledge; and I just want to do the Jesus Rockaway to them. I need to understand it’s not always receptive to all, and we as humans are naturally defensive. A prefect example of this was that awesome totally cool waitress at Mad Dogs earlier today. Anytime I mentioned God to her she walked away, or shut down. I didn’t get it. But reflecting on that now, I realize I could have come off too strong and I needed to take my chill pill but I wasn’t because of my giddy excitement. Like I said earlier, I’m a working progress. I’m gladly learning how to ease and press. BOO to the NETS Losing today YAY TO FOREBEARANCE and I can’t wait to see what’s next!! OH yeah it also sucked I didn’t see my cousin who works there…. Hopefully I’ll see him soooooon!  This path called life. 🙂