Immanuel

God says

her pending 

love story….

God says

is for His Glory

God says

is he + He + her

God says 

is God’s Stir

The fourth month on the tenth day.

Two thousand seventeen.

9:07 am

She woke up to an angry scream fest. Her mother and father were spewing venom in the air. She walks out her room, praying to be the obeying Light of Jesus Christ with all her might, to continue the hue that will always be true: Immanuel is God with us. Her father storms out, after his huffing and puffing shouts. She asks her mother what’s going on. Her mother said, with great dread, “The Marshall is coming today at 11 am to kick us out.” Fighting the panic raising in her veins, she clings to faith and replies to her mother, “What about the adult protective services thing you mentioned?” Her mother sadly replied in defeat, and ready to fearfully retreat, “it’s not going to work out. A shelter can’t be that bad.” 

he replays the days 

until he sees her again 

he’s walking through 

his dark night with

the Light of Jesus Christ

in this sinning lion’s den

through the hue that will

always be true: God

Something in her rejects every word her mother just said, for her bible says her King of Kings takes His Chosen from glory to glory because we are His Story. Noah build the arch, Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt and the wilderness. “This isn’t it” she said to herself, and every bone in her body moved by the Spirit, and she replied to her mother, “OK, I’ll be back I’m going to go pray.” Her mother distantly smiled like a tired faded moon crescent. 

The fourth month of the tenth day.

Two thousand seventeen.

9:16 am

On her bed, she rejected her dread, and went to her knees in great need crying nonstop out to her King, that will always make her soul sing. She surrendered everything and thanked her Creator who is far greater, for freeing her from all that hindered her:

Rape

Failed Suicides

Self-condemnation

Anorexia

Lust

Pulling out her hair

Depression/Bi-polar/all diagnosis’s

She’s in awe of His Great Wonder, and started reflecting on all her Savior has done for her, all that her Savior has healed her from, and she’s just in awe. Thanking her King through her stings. There was a knock on her door, and it was her brother. He asked, “where are you going to go?” She replied refusing to no longer lie because of fearful pride, “I don’t know, God hasn’t told me yet, so I’m just thanking him and praying for direction in the mean time.” Her brother’s eyes opened in great shock, and said “Praying is a good idea, I’m going to go do that now too.” She replied equally shocked, “OK.” 

She sees her brother is fighting in the light of Jesus Christ more, even though his death grip in his funky junkie addictions still hang over his head. Her brother’s experience of homelessness for five months in two different states changed him. Only God not his addictive facades kept him alive. Only God walked with him, as a guide so he wouldn’t overdose and die. Only God showed the way to bring him back from the west to the beast of the east, where it all began for her brother. Only God is the key to being set free through humility, from all the bondages that keep His Chosen as hostage, like her brother. 

his fight will birth

His Gills rejecting

hurt with no worth 

by protecting his mind 

from the rewind of time

and neglecting by ejecting

these cheap thrills 

Her brother can be softer now. Her brother can be more considerate now. Her brother tries to think of others, besides thinking of himself now. She never gave up on her brother when everyone else wrote him off. She will never write him off, no matter what her left and right shows, and no matter where her brother goes, she will never stop lifting her sword in prayer for her brother. She knows biblically that a mustard seed of faith moves mountains. Her King that makes her soul sing, showed her a vision in the year of two thousand fourteen of her brother on a stage telling his testimony to Jesus Christ. She will never let go of that testimony coming to life, no matter how much her heart wrenches in strife about her brothers current life. She trusts her King that makes her soul sing to heal her brother’s stings, like her King healed hers. She waits for her brother to decide to cling to His Heavenly Father’s Wings. She waits for her brother to lose the world, boldly not coldly for all humanity to see faithfully. 

in his wedding rings

that sting by this

hissed dissed blunder 

the community

with no unity

pressured him to be in

due to the wrong cue

of sin city carelessly

of his pitfall in

two thousand fifteen

with the lies of her green eyes 

Still crying and crying out on her bed, rejecting her dread to her King that makes her soul sing. Her King showed her what she’s always wanted to do. She forgot as a child she cried to God angry, and so confused about the poverty and all homelessness, when there was richness in the light of Jesus Christ. And real wealthy people. She did the math to the path of equality. All the billionaires in the world can donate ten percent of their wealth to end poverty, and everyone will be set free three times over. Instead of the one percent of wealth, finally everyone can be better together at one hundred percent. She begged God to position herself to have the fiscal funding to end this horrible bloodshed funding, where there’s layers to deceit that babies become the starring treat. Poverty is an ugly that humans make money off of. That level of ugly is bothersome. She grew up angry, and not believing in God. Until she saw supernatural through her own disbelieving eyes. 

She tried jumping tracks to end it all, and her King build an invisible wall. Failed suicide attempt two. Still not believing fully that the Creator is far greater, she fell into depression thinking her phone was her only friend that cared. And her phone fell into the LIRR tracks one day, as she was headed to a dead end job, that no one saw her in. The train was coming and she debated ending it all again, but she really wanted her phone. That was her only friend to her. Then she connected that she’ll be one with the phone, and no longer here on earth. So she decided to jump. And an angel man came out of no where, with such strength to grab her arms and shook her out of her suicidal daze. 

prayerfully being still 

to no longer 

be stronger in

the slums of his sins

without His Gills

by acknowledging lies

of his cheap thrills

and having his pain now

be a gain, and not be in vain 

The angel man looked at her crazed and yelled, “Are you crazy?” She stammered and said, “I needed my phone.” She doesn’t recall how the angel man said what he said next, but it was something along the lines, “no, you need your life. It’s just a phone. Do you need me to stay with you to get you help?” She was so shocked a stranger cared about her existence, that something deep inside switched in her. As if God planted a small seed that grew over time. She replied and lied, “no it’s okay, you’re right it’s just a phone. Thanks so much.” But it wasn’t a just a phone, at the time she had pale scales that prevailed, over her eyes that hide the lies, which made her want to die inside. The pale scales that prevailed made her believe her phone was her only friend. 

by taking his final bow 

boldly not coldly

for all the world to see 

and his humility is key 

for he is beauty 

called to conquer 

this pitfall and be free

his breakthrough is here 

there’s nothing to fear 

Still not supernatural enough. Another stormy night, her and her mother were in a car in a town of Long Island. She picked up her mother from the hospital, to drive her back to her older sister’s house. Their mother is bi-polar, according to doctors that diagnosed her, and she had an episode that was triggered from a painful experience her other daughter recently faced. When she picked her up in the storm, their mother was yelling incoherent things in the car, and was hitting her. She couldn’t see in front of her. The faster she made the windshield wipers move, the harder the rain came down. She felt trapped. She thought her, and her mother were going to die. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to live and not die. She wanted to make a difference, and serve but didn’t know how. She wanted the Light of Jesus Christ, but the world was full of strife and liars, and she didn’t understand how to bridge her tangible evidence to leap into supernatural faith. She’s such a believer of proof. But biblically awakening in faith is not by sight. That seems impossible to her. 

he needs to see

to be set free 

clinging to truth

by God’s Biblical Proof

wrong she’s the key 

to setting him free

he sees she’s not

where he wants to be

fleeing with the enemy

in misery blindly

when the wrong she

distracted His Destiny 

She’s confused, and confusion is not of God. Her tangible brain is all that she had trained. She was so frustrated. She started crying and praying, as her mother was yelling and hitting her, “Jesus take the wheel, Jesus take the wheel, Jesus take the wheel,” over and over again with her eyes closed. She didn’t open her eyes. It felt like a second, but when she eventually opened her eyes, her and her mother were in front of her older sister’s house, and her mother was smiling looking peaceful. That’s when she decided to believe that Jesus was Immanuel. But she kept her New Belief to herself. 

the Light of Christ 

shines bright 

and he fights away

the decay’s of yesterday’s 

She didn’t know how to protect her new faith, but she didn’t know how to grow it either. She had no one around her that had radical faith, the radical faith that she thirst to grow, and not stop growing. She wanted to understand how to really walk with Jesus, and how to live just for Jesus. She didn’t know how to go about it. She didn’t know the right questions, she didn’t know the right people. She didn’t know the right direction. But she wanted to be an ambassador for Immanuel God with us. She didn’t want to do it half way. She grew up seeing too many people be lukewarm or angry believers. She wanted to walk the talk biblically for all the world to see faithfully. But it seems so silly and impossible. This was the year two thousand ten or nine. Four or five years before the best day of her life: the fourth month of the fourth day, of the year two thousand fourteen. The day Crysta died, and the Cross of Calvary was lifted. 

she needs this he

to be set free

and be happy biblically 

she wants to be

what he needs 

but his pending past 

is a replay that still lasts 

The fourth month of the tenth day.

Two thousand seventeen.

10:16 am

She took what she thought was her last final shower, and prayed and cried thanking her King for all that makes her soul sing. Packing what she needed and asking God to lead her to figure out how to adjust in shelter living life. She thought about ways to reach, and pray with those that would be there too. She told her best friend, and her best friend told her it’s a sweet but unrealistic gesture, and that shelters have addicts. Addicts cannot be reasoned with. But God is Above reasoning, and prayer moves mountains. She’s a living proof of that. She kept that connection to herself, and silently listened to her best friend. After the call, she continued to be on her knees after she packed, and praised in the rain by praying. She thanked God for all her pain that is no longer in vain. She truly sees her gain is in Jesus Christ alone. She will continue her foolishness of God, and believe when no one else can see or receive. 

The fourth month of the tenth day.

Two thousand seventeen.

11:02 am.

she prayed 

and God played

His Power in 

The Midnight Hour 

to cover 

her parents blunders

“Crysie we have a little grace relax,” her dad said in great shock. she whispered, “what are you talking about?” Her father replied, “The Marshall isn’t coming today.” Confused, and unclear she replies to her father, “so he’s coming tomorrow? I don’t get it.” Her father smiled a smile of hope, something he hasn’t had in years. “No he’s coming next Monday. And adult protective services is coming to interview your mother tomorrow.” She burst into tears in utter shock, dropped to her knees, and repeated nonstop until she can no longer speak, “you’re so faithful God. Thank you Jesus.” 

she’s so afraid to believe

that he’s ready to receive 

God’s Stir with 

her as his she

he + He + her

to be set 

free biblically 

She knows praying is why her family is not in a shelter. She knows that her covenant of sisters, that never stopped lifting their sword for her, or her family is why her family is not in a shelter. She knows the power of the midnight hour is real, because she’s living truth. She knows all she needs to see is in her Bible as biblical proof. She texted her best friend at 11:06 am and told her that the Marshall is coming next week. Her best friend called her, and they cried on the phone together, prayed and went to read the Bible. 

the enemy is a delusion

used for our confusion

to be the wrong path

that’s corrected and directed 

in our flesh god facades

by our creator 

who’s far greater: God

Her mother came to her and said, “you’re a prayer warrior.” She asked her mother why she said that, and she replied, “Your prayers are powerful.” She smiled in gratitude and said, “all I did was thank God for all that he freed me from. I didn’t even ask for this miracle mountain to be moved. This was a pleasant surprise.” Her mother smiled and said, “don’t stop praying.” She smiled back and said, “I never will mom.”

she’s his story

that scribes the lines inside 

dedicated in humility 

to be the key 

to setting others free

All for His Glory

This is her story.

All made for His Glory.

Thank you King Jesus.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

Love your daughter. 

conqueror

Dearest Daddy,

Thank you Daddy for being an everyday God. Thank you God for being a twenty-four hours a day God. Daddy you’re not a sometimes God. God you don’t love us when you feel like it. God you don’t get excited when we’re doing well as Your Chosen, based on our cultural and societal habitual standards. Daddy you love us, because you are love. (1 John 4:8) 

There’s nothing we can do that will ever change that you love us Daddy. There’s nothing we don’t complete, or execute that can ever change that you love us Daddy. No one can love humans more than you do Daddy. We cannot even love ourselves more than you love us Daddy. You loved us so much, that you gave your only begotten son on the Cross of Calvary, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish. (John 3:16) 

Daddy you didn’t allow your perfect son to perish on a cross so we can be condemned by others or ourselves. The two most important commandments that you Daddy want us to focus on, is loving you and loving our neighbors as ourselves. (Mark 12:31) Daddy you teach us by reaching our heart of stone, and turning them into flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26) Daddy you teach us by reaching us to carry each other’s burdens. (Galatians 6:2) Daddy you teach us by reaching us to be slow to anger. (James 1:19) Daddy you teach us by reaching us to love purely. (1 Peter 1:22) Biblically is the only way in the Obey in Today, and to no longer be stronger in the rewind of time, or the decay’s of yesterday’s. 

It is impossible for us to know love without knowing God. We as humans can come up with a concoction of what love is, through our broken ideologies in the decision of leaning on our limited minds. But we will always miss the mark. We will always fall short. We need the Holy Spirit as the compass of truth guiding us. We must never lose our praise in the rain, and we must never lose our wonder by God’s wings and cover. 

The book of Daniel in chapter three is one of my favorite reminders of the foolishness of God. Daddy I push myself every time I meditate on this chapter, to have this level of faith. It’s so inspiring, and one of the best examples I could ever ask for. Daniel three got me through the decisions the he you say is for me made. Daniel three got me through the isolating difficulties that I experienced at my old church, which I’m so thankful you pulled me out of. I’ll never stop signing praises for that precious gift. Before Jojo* and I even decided to commit to your prompting of our old church, you showed me two visions, which you keep pressing on my heart is happening now. All I can do is pray for your children. And that’s what I continue to do. 

Daddy I’m convinced you only dragged Jojo and I to our old church, because of the ribcages we are called to be one flesh to one day. I realized in the past three years, you are an intentional God Daddy, you could have called Jojo, and I to any church to come to salvation. But you called us to that specific church I gave so much pushback on, because I knew you were going to wreck my life. I knew you were going to completely change my core to yearn and discern for more. I wasn’t interested in that level of a shake-up. My interest isn’t always aligned to your will Daddy. So I walked through, and grew in slums of my sins, that you turned into godly wins. Daddy what you called me to see, and biblically be set free in the pitfalls of my old church. You used my struggle in my rumbling tumbles by my wrestle to give my all. Thank you for being the Creator who is far greater by evolving me to be a conqueror. 

I would do everything all over again exactly the same, if it meant I would be the woman of God I am today. All my pain has gain, because I refused to sleepwalk in vain any longer. Sleepwalking in vain is a deranged wrong song throng that’s temporary confetti, which will never replace my disgrace space of empty. I’ve been there and done that. I still had to walk through the same dark nights I was avoiding, and I’m a better human because of them. I’m a woman of God that knows her worth, because I went through failed suicide attempts, feeding the lustful spirit by degrading my temple with premarital sex, my eating disorder, my rape, my depression, and my three mental breakdowns were dark nights that King Jesus sparked in the dark. 

King Jesus and His Light allowed my final bow from the world, and I can see with charity and clarity what’s not right inside of me. King Jesus is why I’m no longer blind. King Jesus is why I’m set free, and that I now walk my talk biblically. No human did that for me, only King Jesus. But you did use the he you say is for me to propel me into my purpose. I definitely see that, and comprehend this truth. I’m grateful to him whatever he decides to do [or not do] going forward. I’m grateful for his actions. His actions taught me to aggressively fight for truth, and biblical proof. 

He’s a complexity that I actually do not comprehend, and cannot press send to end him as pretend. He’s a conundrum that swings as my pendulum. He’s a pain in my veins that makes me feel insane in the arrange of my strange membrane. Supernaturally he’s charity and clarity, but there’s an audacity for me to actually be blind in rewind tangibly. My arrogant consistency is a hesitant stagnancy, because he’s not with me. Pridefully, I swallow my hallow follow, by my lies inside to misguide my rhymes and hide what I want to receive and believe: he doesn’t supernaturally love me, or I don’t supernaturally love him. My hissed diss is ejected poisonous kiss, and a grim slim trim that won’t dim. 

Supernatural is a payroll of salvation, and a daily sanctification in the declaration to the divinity of the holy trinity to be set free biblically. King Jesus paid the price for my strides in my dying strife. Supernatural is a patrol that only God controls. Supernatural is the path to correct godly math, and the call to being the conqueror of unavoidable pitfalls. As His Chosen God knew we were severely broken, which is why King Jesus had to die for God’s plan to be executed. Humanistically the ingrained sin within, through our self-fulfilling quicksand in the Garden of Eden was needed. King Jesus is the only reason to walk as a conqueror of all pending seasons. Jesus Christ is the only way in the Obey of Today. Jesus Christ is the answer by the Cross of Calvary. 

Our flesh must be ejected and neglected by lifting the Cross of Calvary everyday. King Jesus healed my mind from three mental breakdowns. And after my first breakdown, I was told I’d never hold down a job. I worked successfully in six different industries to date. After my second breakdown I was told I’d never graduate with my bachelors. I graduated with my international business degree holding down four jobs and taking 19-21 credits per quarter maintaining a 3.5 GPA. Humans cannot tell me what I can and cannot do, when King Jesus made a way before I even fully walked with him. Now I proudly lift the Cross in the Foolishness of God denying the flesh of Crysta. Only God not humans can tell us no. God never told me no so I kept growing and going. Crysta will never lead me to everlasting life. Crysta listening to human’s Above God will never lead me to greener pastures. Crysta denying her flesh, and lifting the Cross in the Foolishness of God sets me completely free. Lifting the Cross in the Foolishness of God shows me as I grow, that my pain is not in vain. I gain because I dwell in the Wings of God. I gain because I put the armor of God on everyday. (Ephesians 6:11) 

Thank you Daddy for showing me that only through your strength will we ever be biblically set free faithfully. (Philippians 4:13) Only through Christ not Crysta, can I learn and discern healthy from unhealthy. Only through Christ not Crysta, can I learn and discern being prepared for God’s best, and not settling like the rest. I walk in the Foolishness of God, so the company that walks to my left and right is limited. Thank God for Jojo. Thank God for my biblical heroes, because they are the examples that I look to for Christ-like strength like Esther, Hannah, Moses, Noah, and Ruth. There’s so many more trailblazing vessels, but these gems stand out so much for me, besides the other gems in my favorite book of Genesis. 

Thank you Daddy for going before me. Thank you Daddy for always making a way when there is no way. (Isaiah 43) And even though I cannot see how you’re moving I know you are moving in this current season of painful rain. I choose to cling to your praising, and trust you without borders. Your ways are not my ways, and your ways are higher than heaven, and all of earth. (Isaiah 55:8-9) This season of pain is not in vain. And all these sins will no longer have flesh facade deadly ‘wins.’ You’ll block everything that will not work according to your purpose. (Roman 8:28) So I fight with the might of Jesus Christ, and His Light to cling to your wings Daddy. I walk by faith and not sight, to believe you’ll make a way for me. (2 Corinthians 5:7) You made me to be your conqueror after all is said and done. 

Thank you King.

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

battlefield 

Daddy,

You’re deliberate. Regardless if I’m okay with keeping decay’s of yesterday’s internally, my dismay is not the way. It’s time to confess moments that gave me deep distress, and forever changed the way I’ve arranged my incorrect math on this path. You are my Creator that’s far greater, and make my direction straight, because it’s never too late according to the hue that will always be true: you Daddy. 

Supernaturally you told me how Sunday evening would play out. And tangibly I reacted like an uncooperative baby. Going to dinner with Jojo,* Lanta,* and her male friend was bigger than the surface displayed. Lanta’s male friend triggered my jar number four that you kicked to the door Daddy. The same number four I bumped into with Jojo last November, after that concert you summoned us to go to. Daddy, you know how you also summoned us to go to Birmingham, Alabama two weeks ago as well? Yes, that level of supernatural command, where we had no choice but to obey your loud still small voice. I accept this iron sharpening, but I also want slight enable, where you meet me in my brokenness, which you won’t even give me Daddy. Fine, even though I don’t think that’s fair. Biblical isn’t always fair right?

This past Sunday was bigger than all four parties sitting in that Friday’s restaurant. Lanta’s male friend immediately became my ex-boyfriend in my mind. They were so similar. I didn’t want to see, or acknowledge that a relationship that ended over six years ago triggers me so badly. That’s illogical because it’s not like I was in love with him. I wasn’t and I knew I wasn’t but I had sex with him, and I was tired of giving my body to a dude, and it didn’t work out so I was determined to make it work. But my ex’s bubbles of troubles were beyond my help. He was so hot and cold. He was so up and down. He was so day and night. Being his girlfriend was a battlefield. A battlefield I stepped on everyday, not knowing if I was going to successfully dodge the well-disguised bombs on the ground. At one point everyday felt like I was going to blow up. So I prepared myself the best way I knew how. This ex never physically abused me [thank God.] But emotionally I’m screwed up, because of this relationship. He did emotionally abuse me. 

So sitting across from Lanta’s male friend brought up memories I had no interest in walking through. And I was praying that I didn’t come off weird to everyone else. And I didn’t want to make this poor guy I didn’t know feel weird. I felt like he was coming for me the way my ex did when he blindsided me. I wasn’t ready for my ex, but I was ready for this guy. I’m always ready for someone now, because no one will ever come for me again. Fool me once not twice. This is my broken mentality Daddy. But this isn’t biblical so you walked me through the intense reminder this past Sunday, and you used that vessel that reminded me so much of my ex. 

The guy from Sunday carried himself like he thought he was African royalty, and my ex did that. I asked my ex why he walked around like he was an African prince, and he told me he was. I was flabbergasted and then he admitted to me where his family lived, and showed me and I was too through. I wanted to be a different Crysta after that moment. I asked myself what did I get myself into being with an African prince!? I never told anyone. And I think my ex picked up I didn’t open up about my private affairs, and he used that to his advantage. 

Things just went from bad to worse with my ex. I realized how possessive he was and it freaked me out. I did research and went down a rabbit hole of paranoia from what I discovered. That’s a trait of physical abuse, and I found so many horror stories online. The one that stood out the most was being chopped up. It was a broken replay in my brain. I just kept telling myself I can’t get chopped up, my family won’t survive that. But I swallowed all of this, and tried to figure out how to combat that dangerous trait my ex had. 

I wanted to surprise my ex with a weekend getaway to D.C. He always wanted to go to the Smithsonian, so I found a deal and was going to surprise him for his birthday. But he was such a douchebag the weekend I was about to book it so I said flip it. He literally snapped at me, because I was trying to figure out when he was free without giving the surprise away. And he thought I was cheating on him. We got into an unnecessary nasty fight, and I told him what I was trying to do, and he felt bad and said we could still go and I said no you killed the joy. I should’ve left then but I didn’t. It didn’t hurt enough.

Fast forward to this past Sunday this poor guy who was not my ex, became my ex because that’s what I saw. He’s in the same profession as my ex, dresses like my ex, had a Rolex like my ex. I was triggered so badly. I failed at playing it off. Jojo knew right away but Lanta didn’t know because I never opened up to her about this ex of mine. I asked this poor guy on Sunday if he was a prince and he said no. Then he said a funny joke that eased some of my tension, but I was still on edge and on guard. 

It’s really uncomfortable for me to write about this Daddy, but you’re leading me so I trust this process without borders. I come from a broken culture where it’s believed certain things stay hidden and go to our graves. And I honestly thought all my brokenness was supposed to stay with me until my grave. Daddy you keep telling me the he you showed me three and a half years ago is for me, and is coming to me. And I’m so freaked out, I don’t feel ready. I’m not where I need to be according to me. But according to the hue that will always be true: you Daddy, I am exactly where I need to be. 

I hate how all of this looks. I’m unemployed, in debt, broke, and emotionally vulnerable. I’m completely scarred, and need to be handle with some kiddy punk gloves. What about my tough girl act I worked my butt off to create?! Why did you have to take that? Why do I have to be so raw and so vulnerable and so annoyingly delicate? This is so stupid. Why do I have to be so blank and empty? I don’t like this Daddy. Why couldn’t I look how I wanted to look!? Like I’m established and good with walls in tact, where I know I can’t be hurt. I don’t know anything or what’s going to happen with this he you keep saying is for me, who I can’t flee from, and I now see I don’t want to actually. I just want to control how it looks when he comes to me. That would make me feel so much better, because I can ensure I won’t go into another war-zone on another battlefield. 

Daddy this is so hard. You want me to lay it all down. How can I protect myself if I do that? How can I show any man that they can’t come for me ever again, and their deep pockets doesn’t guarantee they no more than me, if you take this battlefield away from me? I know I don’t know everything Daddy, but I do know that I’m no longer hiding my intelligence you’ve blessed me with. I now walk in the confidence of Jesus Christ who’s the light that shines bright within me. I can do all things through Jesus. (Philippians 4:13.) This truth is ingrained in my veins. 

Daddy you want me to be a trusting blank canvas for this he you won’t stop saying is for me, and you tell me he loves me when love is an action word, and he never showed it. I showed more love to him than he did to me. This feels like insanity Daddy, but you want me to trust you in this area with this he you Daddy keep saying is for me, and that’s so scary. I don’t know how to do that. I’m so jacked up. I just want to be in a ball staring at a wall. Biblically giving up isn’t for me. So teach me and reach me, to see the parted Red Sea with this he you’ll never stop saying is for me. Show me and grow me, to be set free from my ready battlefield pending stings that will never be a wrestling ring. Show me and grow me to know there’s no rumbling tumble, because I’m safely tucked under Your Wings. Give me the strength to believe in this area that I’m an overcomer. Thank you Holy Spirit.

I love you Daddy.

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

drunkenness

her father’s drunkenness

is a hindrance in deliverance.

her father’s eyes 

are mystified by toxic lies.

her father decay’s are

in the days of his yesterday’s.

as a child, 

she witnessed 

the risks 

intoxication as 

her father’s foundation 

in her father’s stagnation.

at a young age, 

she witnessed verbal rage. 

the beers are broken cheers

on a caged stage, 

her father waged and aged.

her father almost died

the family was modified.

her father can’t let go

with what he knows.

at a young age 

she woke up 

to a house full of smoke. 

her mother ran for cover

and told her to grab 

her baby brother.

her mother always

rejected and neglected

this drunkenness wreckage.

the beers are broken cheers.

her father clung to years 

of pain with no gain

internal tears that bring

all the vain stings

in current hurt with no worth.

her mother was warned.

her father was warned.

two broken humans 

in the bubbles 

of their troubles,

raising two kids 

in brokenness.

one kid was me

the other was baby b.

my brother and me

see differently.

granny flees with

older sister not to see.

I choose to lose

this broken ruse

to be set free

faithfully and godly.

I choose to have

the audacity 

to actually

forgo this toxic show.

I choose to use

these broken bruises

to fine tune and prune

me and for all the world 

to see in united humanity

that the Light 

of Jesus Christ 

sparks the dark 

to what’s not right by

dying on the 

Cross of Calvary 

for us to be set free.

I choose to acknowledge 

that my parents don’t want to see.

I choose to acknowledge 

I’m waiting for my King(s) faithfully.

I choose to acknowledge

that I was set apart deliberately.

I choose to acknowledge 

I walked the talk 

the wrong way unequivocally

to be seen similarly 

but God always 

has the final say.

God said enough

to the tough and rough

of my self harming decay.

God used my determination

to be His Declaration.

God made my path

and math straight.

I decided to use my story

so that God can get the Glory.

her father’s drunkenness 

is a hinderance 

for the world to see

boldly not coldly 

to be delivered and set free.

I decided to acknowledge 

my duty to intuitively 

lift my sword

in the layers of prayers.

I decided to acknowledge 

to reject mixed drinks

that make humans 

think and sink

to float off the boat

and always praise

in any pending rain.

I decided to not feed

the wrong weed seed

of stained or drained

from my pain that 

has gain when I reject

my flesh god facade sabotage.

I decided to acknowledge 

perspective is a collective

reflective gesture 

to measure which way

to swing my stings 

as a complex pendulum.

I decided to acknowledge

that my stigma 

is God’s Enigma.

I decided to acknowledge 

God’s Way Always

in the Obey of Today.

I decided to acknowledge 

I was made with 

power, love 

and a sound mind.

which reverses

the curse of 

the rewind in time.

“For God hath not given 

us the spirit of fear; 

but of power, 

and of love, 

and of a sound mind.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Thank you King.

Love your daughter. 

Charity

Alabama forever changed me

it showed me I cannot do

the wrong hue that’s not true

called unhealthy ever again.

The slums of sins is unhealthy.

Lying by pride that hides

what makes us die inside

is self-misguided hurt

with no worth and pain

with no gain 

that’s all in vain.

Only through the hue

that’s true, 

where no one is bigger:

Our Creator 

can walk us from combusted

rust like lust 

where our pain will have gain.

For we are all called

to conquer our pitfalls. 

For we all have a story

that will always be

the See in God’s Glory

that sets us free faithfully

and godly for all the world 

to be in unity 

as God’s Community.

For we are ashes to ashes,

controlling savages 

that play god 

in facade sabotages

by manmade rings that sting

in a heat not neat or of God.

When our hearts are stone

we grow cold and alone

replaying decay’s of

yesterday’s 

and sorrows

of no tomorrows.

That’s when we lean on self

not Jesus Christ who’s the 

God of man and Light

of the living water wealth. 

Wisdom is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wisdom.

Biblically wisdom 

is referenced as a she.

God finds his daughters very special.

We as women and 

His Creation must have the

audacity to actually know our worth

and not let any man hurt us

or welcome any man in our space

that can easily cause us to stumble

and fall in the pitfall from 

the safe place of His Grace. 

But thank God

that God had a plan 

for that quicksand too. 

The Cross of Calvary 

sets all humanity free 

in unity and only love

covers a multitude of sins. 

“And above all things 

have fervent charity 

among yourselves: 

for charity shall cover 

the multitude of sins.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

char·i·ty

[ˈCHerədē]


NOUN


* kindness and tolerance in judging others: 
”she found it hard to look on her mother with much charity”

    * archaic
 

love of humankind, typically in a Christian context: 
”faith, hope, and charity”

Before Alabama I was unhappy for a very long time. My unhappiness affected my humanistic movements in a very unhealthy way. Over time, I became bitter, and angry where I started cursing more frequently, and just became nasty. When I first became saved, on 4.4.14, which is the best day of my life to date: when I turned my back to the world boldly not coldly. I was truly happy. Praying all day, which I still do but I read the word of God with such zeal and excitement, so hungry to learn my blueprint, and start walking like a biblical woman of God. 4.4.14 was the day I took a leap and actively decided to walk in intention, to no longer be stronger in being cheap, creeping, and sleeping with the enemy in misery as a hostage from my bondages. I sat in stillness, and in my layer of prayer with God. I pleaded that my King move me out my own way. I prayed for discernment, and for the courage to accept the things I cannot change, and God’s Wisdom to never move ahead of my Creator. 

I was in a state of clarity for only four months at the time. December 27, 2013 I decided to walk away from the decay of a yesterday that kept me hostage in the bondage called lust. I let go of what I knew through the hue of a man God never said was for me. I never took the last man that ever touched me to God. I walked in hurt with no worth, and carried pain with no gain all in vain, as I secretly died on the inside from all my lies. I never liked or believed in sex before marriage, but I was so tired of being made fun of, and being called crazy that I convinced myself I could conform to this broken norm. 

Even then I was set apart, and God’s work of art. God blessed me with such intensity of charity through my best friend Jojo* I saw with tangibility what trying to be a Christian, and a woman in all sincerity looked like in real life. Growing up it was intimidating reading about the amazing women of God in the Bible. I used to always tell myself I can’t be Esther, heck no I cannot be Ruth, and heck to the no no no no I cannot be Hannah, Samuel’s mother. I would’ve snapped and gave up. Hannah was a special breed of woman. I grew up desperate to see what a biblical woman walked like in modern day time. And when I saw I couldn’t find that I gave up, and thought I had to conform to the world. But God used that for His Glory, because even then I was His Story. 

Alabama forever changed me

it showed me I cannot do

the wrong hue that’s not true

called unhealthy ever again.

The slums of sins is unhealthy.

Lying by pride that hides

what makes us die inside

is self-misguided hurt

with no worth and pain

with no gain 

that’s all in vain.

Only through the hue

that’s true, 

where no one is bigger:

Our Creator 

can walk us from combusted

rust like lust 

where our pain will have gain.

For we are all called

to conquer our pitfalls. 

For we all have a story

that will always be

the See in God’s Glory

that sets us free faithfully

and godly for all the world 

to be in unity 

as God’s Community.

For we are ashes to ashes,

controlling savages 

that play god 

in facade sabotages

by manmade rings that sting

in a heat not neat or of God.

When our hearts are stone

we grow cold and alone

replaying decay’s of

yesterday’s 

and sorrows

of no tomorrows.

That’s when we lean on self

not Jesus Christ who’s the 

God of man and Light

of the living water wealth. 

Wisdom is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wisdom.

Biblically wisdom 

is referenced as a she.

God finds his daughters very special.

We as women and 

His Creation must have the

audacity to actually know our worth

and not let any man hurt us

or welcome any man in our space

that can easily cause us to stumble

and fall in the pitfall from 

the safe place of His Grace. 

But thank God

that God had a plan 

for that quicksand too. 

The Cross of Calvary 

sets all humanity free 

in unity and only love

covers a multitude of sins. 

“And above all things 

have fervent charity 

among yourselves: 

for charity shall cover 

the multitude of sins.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I finally get I’m not crazy God, and that what I have the ability to see and pick up was given to me supernaturally, because you trust me Daddy. That in itself blows my mind, because I’m a hot mess, lol. I know myself and the loose canon I can be; but you check me faithfully in charity. I’m protected, because you and I are deeply connected. I accept and receive this truth, because I study your biblical proof. Thank you Daddy. I love you Lord.

Thank you for patiently waiting until it hurt enough for both Jojo* and I to tap out of our chase to walk the worldly race of disgrace: to help the blind find the time, and pause the cause of rewind. To talk the worldly race of disgrace: to reach and teach Your Chosen to be still and grab Your Gills. To walk the worldly race of disgrace: to help the pale scales to fail, and to no longer feed wrong weed seeds in broken need known as cheap thrills, that will never replace the empty space with temporary confetti. That’s a disobeying rat race away from the switch in the gift: Obey in Today. 

Thank you King for showing me that the working industry is corrupted no matter the category. Daddy you knew my curious and determined mind, so you let me live in my quest that you are now going to use for Your Glory, because I was always set apart as your work of art and Your Story. I worked in five industries: real estate, sales, retail, legal, and education. They’re all corrupted and suffer from the brokenness of micro aggression. What really blew my mind about my latest assignment as your reacher in the role of teacher, was that education was corrupted. It made me undone that beautiful children of God were not being protected, instead many humans saw them as dollar signs to fatten pockets, instead of grooming those beautiful leaders of tomorrow, to be better together on this pitstop called earth. 

My three mental breakdowns were a cupcake, that prepared me for the toughest journey to date: witnessing this man in my veins finished story with that woman you God never picked for this man, (hu)man’s picked her for this man; especially how this woman planted herself, in this man’s space in his vulnerable state. The other hardest journey was this latest assignment as teacher that was starting to kill me and Jojo. We were decaying, and decay’s are not the godly way. It finally hurt enough God for me to admit I cannot work for another corrupted human ever again. I’ll lose my mind for good this time. I truly believe all the knowledge I’ve acquired from these industries will be used for the next glory, and by the blueprints you’ve shown Jojo and I. Daddy we are ready for that lift off. Of course your timing not our own. So when you see fit you will lift our plane to take off. Just to let you know, Jojo and I are hungry to wear the hats of entrepreneurs. Every bone in our bodies reject the prospect of employee. It’s not for me or her. Part the Red Sea Daddy the only way you know how to. 

Alabama forever changed me

it showed me I cannot do

the wrong hue that’s not true

called unhealthy ever again.

The slums of sins is unhealthy.

Lying by pride that hides

what makes us die inside

is self-misguided hurt

with no worth and pain

with no gain 

that’s all in vain.

Only through the hue

that’s true, 

where no one is bigger:

Our Creator 

can walk us from combusted

rust like lust 

where our pain will have gain.

For we are all called

to conquer our pitfalls. 

For we all have a story

that will always be

the See in God’s Glory

that sets us free faithfully

and godly for all the world 

to be in unity 

as God’s Community.

For we are ashes to ashes,

controlling savages 

that play god 

in facade sabotages

by manmade rings that sting

in a heat not neat or of God.

When our hearts are stone

we grow cold and alone

replaying decay’s of

yesterday’s 

and sorrows

of no tomorrows.

That’s when we lean on self

not Jesus Christ who’s the 

God of man and Light

of the living water wealth. 

Wisdom is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wealth.

The Holy Bible is wisdom.

Biblically wisdom 

is referenced as a she.

God finds his daughters very special.

We as women and 

His Creation must have the

audacity to actually know our worth

and not let any man hurt us

or welcome any man in our space

that can easily cause us to stumble

and fall in the pitfall from 

the safe place of His Grace. 

But thank God

that God had a plan 

for that quicksand too. 

The Cross of Calvary 

sets all humanity free 

in unity and only love

covers a multitude of sins. 

“And above all things 

have fervent charity 

among yourselves: 

for charity shall cover 

the multitude of sins.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I’m so excited 

Crysta’s anilulated

Jojo’s anilulated

Jojo’s ribcage 

is being anilulated

and so is mine.

It hurts enough 

for all of us 

to wake up

from the choking

and provoking 

evoking talk

of sleepwalking.

Thank you King

for making our souls sing.

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy  

Blueprints

I don’t have it in me 

to work for another company.

There’s a hesitate 

to educate in the language 

that’s truly fleshly savage.

But God if that’s Your Will 

then you’ll continue to 

walk me through 

defending biblical truth.

These blueprints you’ve shown

both Jojo* and I are 

what we long to execute.

These fine prints give me

a deep thirst that need to burst

in life and be in your Light.

My thinking is sinking.

I’ve never been so attacked 

in all my life. But I can do all things 

through Emmanuel: God with us.

I assumed different fields

meant different outcomes.

Micro-aggression is everywhere.

Termination is an intimidation

to bully and make an example.

It’s truly an ugly sample.

God you opened doors for me.

God you also closed doors, 

that at the time I didn’t see

was always meant to be.

This is the first door

that you’ve closed, 

I truly have peace.

The latest assignment 

that you’ve used 

for my alignment,

was truly unhealthy for me

and Jojo* but you’ve used 

the broken ruses and abuses

to set us free from all

the pitfalls we are called

to conquer your way

not our way in Today.

The anointing in our lives

cannot afford to replay 

the decay’s of yesterday’s 

or the sorrows of no tomorrow’s.

This latest assignment,

that you’ve used for my alignment,

broke me down until 

I was face first to the ground

on your throne

allowing my bow

to Your Crown.

This was the hardest assignment 

thus far. You’ve supernaturally 

shown me darkness 

that needs to come 

to the Light

of Jesus Christ.

I kept rising above.

I kept clinging to your Scared Dove.

I biblically and immediately looked Above.

Being blindsided multiple times 

made me develop the ability 

to lyrically rhyme my chimes

that felt like abusive 

welts and crimes.

My PTSD flared stronger

and longer than when I was nineteen.

My panic attacks made me sicker 

than I’ve ever been ill in my life.

There’s so much to say.

There’s so much at stake.

There’s so much faking and shaking.

There’s so much making me see,

what’s not your will for me.

All my hurt I hide 

inside because of fearful pride.

All my lies of being okay,

was a delay 

and a pause to Your Cause. 

My sales tactic:

faking it until I make it

just made me die on inside.

Facing truths is biblical.

Facing truths is critical.

Facing truths is lyrical.

Facing truths is a miracle.

You’ve used this recently closed

assignment as the space 

to showcase my painful disgrace.

I couldn’t avoid facing any longer.

My wrong song is not stronger.

Because so many around me:

dilute truth

dilute biblical proof

dilute Your Voice

for the fleshly choice.

Salvation activates

our permeated liberation

in dedication to rise as sheep.

Salvation activates 

the ability to reject 

and neglect the wolf within.

Doing ‘you’ is human

but will never honor God.

Humans have two identities:

The flesh of the wolf

The Spirit of the sheep.

It’s our intentionality 

that dictates which way

the pendulum 

of our conundrum sways.

No matter how well 

the mask of the wolf is at task

and secure it still won’t last.

What’s done in the dark

always comes to the Light.

No matter how well 

highlight reels or

sales tactic spiels,

are fiscally 

acquired,

‘inspired’

or admired

there’s only security

in Your Biblical Purity God.

Lust will always combust

for we are ashes to ashes

and dust to dust.

I don’t understand 

the current task at hand.

I don’t see how

every knee shall bow.

Ironically, this flight

is covered in Your Great Might.

I’ve haven’t flown since 

the turbulence of eighteen.

God you have me 

and Jojo going to 

this unknown land.

Like your son Abram.

It’s nerve racking that 

the Obey in Today,

doesn’t match the ugly 

backwards hat space

of all the ungodly we had to face.

You God keep telling me

to be still when all this lazy shady

around me is making me crazy.

You God keep telling me

to do nothing and:

Be still 

You will see

Trust Me

It’s hard to choose to lose

my sight when there’s 

so much uncertainty in my reality.

I walked through hurts

I thought I would swallow 

in a hallow allow forever.

But you God always have better.

I wanted to keep 

what you God 

keep saying is cheap.

I’m so rattled 

and I control 

nothing in this battle.

I’m so stressed 

yet I’m so blessed,

you’re walking me

through my fears in confessions.

You God are healing 

me through my revealing seeing.

Okay God I will meet you

in this unknown land 

as you direct my feet 

where you and I meet

as you God continue to make 

my path straight.

I choose to trust you

with this next venue.

I choose to trust you

in Your Timing 

to reveal what all 

these blueprints conceal.

Jojo chooses to trust you too.

God you deliberately designed

and biblically aligned 

our sisterhood 

to be better together.

Unity is a community

of all humanity to faithfully 

see godly, 

and we are your testimony.

Thank you for trusting us.

Thank you for loving us.

Thank you for showing us.

Your Way is the only say 

in the gift of the switch

by the Obey in Today.

So let’s go walk

in this pending blueprint.

I choose to trust you

with my truths and fears

and all my hidden tears.

I choose to let go

of my patrol in control.

I surrender all.

I give it all away to you 

for you are the only hue

that will always be true.

I love you my King.

Love your daughter.

Immigrant 

I am an immigrant

born as American.

Both my Earth parent’s 

wanted better, eventually 

they found their way,

from the pitfalls of 

decays in yesterday’s 

together in today. 

Tuna Puna was the space

my Earth father felt disgraced.

Georgetown was the home

my Earth mother felt alone.

They are immigrants 

that wanted different,

so America is where they went. 

Education is my 

Earth parent’s dedication.

Excellency was the expectancy, 

with my immigrant Earth parent’s.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me I can be all 

that I put my mind to see.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

raised me to see godly.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me that unity

is for all humanity faithfully.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me to always see love.

Love is found bound from Above.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me to first seek the Kingdom

of God then everything will fall into place.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me to do the right thing,

even when no one is watching.

My immigrant Earth parent’s 

taught me to fight for what’s right, 

in the light of Jesus Christ. 

I am Christian because my parent’s 

pushed me to seek biblical truth.

I am Christian because love

covers a multitude of sins.

I am Christian because 

sinning will never be winning.

I am Christian because 

together we will always be better.

I am an immigrant 

born as an American, 

because my Earth parent’s 

wanted better 

and made it happen.

There’s no fear in love

because perfect love 

casts out all fears.

I am a reacher that 

rises as teacher 

in love. 

Love will always conquer all.

Especially the ungodly 

segregation currently 

known as the drone of immigration. 

I am a teacher that dedicates

my space to replace hate 

with love,

ignorance with wisdom, and 

ridicule with encouragement.

I am an immigrant

born as an American,

with a choice to walk

the talk in God’s Voice; 

to effectively 

reach and teach 

the children of the future. 

As a teacher it is my duty

to educate through the hesitate 

in hate and love through 

leading as an active suture. 

Love heals and reveals unity

is a godly community,

for all humanity: faithfully

and maturely to be set free.

Love me, 

[faithfully Crysta] 💋

Introvert

People overwhelm me.

It’s hard to supernaturally see,

because God has set me free.

He trusts me,

and I believe faithfully.

But people overwhelm me.

I’m a severe introvert 

on high alert.

I’m a severe introvert 

that aggressively 

flirts, blurts, diverts 

and inserts the cloak

that makes me choke 

called my extrovert t-shirt.

My extrovert t-shirt 

drains me, 

and makes me flee

with isolated needs.

I feel set free creatively,

and grateful of the outlet aggressively.

Sinning is not winning.

Sinning is an empty embrace,

that deepens our hidden disgrace. 

We pridefully hide lies,

that make us die inside.

People overwhelm me.

It’s hard to supernaturally see,

because God has set me free.

He trusts me,

and I believe faithfully.

But people overwhelm me.

the enemy is witty 

to replace our space 

in freedom for flesh god deface.

the enemy is witty 

to make us trip up

in the hiccup of picking up,

the shake up for the wrong pace

in the worldly confetti rat race.

the enemy is witty

a lair, cheat, and con-artist.

that thinks we will sink,

because we paused the cause 

of giving our all 

in our unavoidable pitfalls.

Only God is the Smartest.

the limited enemy 

only makes us flee temporarily, 

by blinding us to combust in rusted

faded by jaded 

and decaying by disobeying in lust.

when we are ashes to ashes 

and dust to dust.

People overwhelm me.

It’s hard to supernaturally see,

because God has set me free.

He trusts me,

and I believe faithfully.

But people overwhelm me.

I’m tired of being used.

I’m tired of seeing 

God’s Great Name

be abused in this worldly ruse.

But God has so much grace

that I struggle to share in that space.

I’m His Daughter 

with specific gifts and talents.

A prophetic chartist 

who lyrically,

scientifically,

and empirically 

gauges tangibility.

This is my space of safe.

These abstract satanic attacks 

are supernaturally hard to believe. 

God has a plan 

that will come to pass.

According to God:

all this pain will 

eventually have gain. 

People will be still. 

People will reject cheap thrills. 

People will choose to lose

the world boldly, 

not coldly maturely 

in harmony for 

humanity in unity.

The tears throughout 

my years will not be in vain.

I’m a severe introvert 

on high alert.

I’m a severe introvert 

that aggressively 

flirts, blurts, diverts 

and inserts the cloak

that makes me choke 

called my extrovert t-shirt.

My extrovert t-shirt 

drains me, 

and makes me flee

with isolated needs.

I feel set free creatively,

and grateful for the outlet aggressively.

This is me, hanging on faithfully 

in love, because God taught me

to rise above, 

and hide in 

His Sacred Dove.

People overwhelm me

but I love them, and pray

in today for all to be set free

like me so we can be better 

together in unity as a godly community.

Love Crysta 💋

Wasteland

Me

I am free.

I let go of 

the ugly show

completely.

I’m set free

to see that 

he will never be

what God 

keeps showing me.

He

He doesn’t want to see

truth, found in biblical proof.

He wants to be aloof;

there’s no use to showing 

his growing ruse of abuse.

The mean, lean, and glean

facade and mirage

of the wasteland, 

in this dry bones quicksand, 

will never be better together; 

or harmony in the two hues

that’s not God’s True.

He wears and swears

in empty love, not 

found bound from Above. 

In the sin not win 

wedding rings that sting.

This no holy 

matrimony is phony.

He’s lonely,

depressed,

compressed, and 

married by name only.

She

She’s lonely and phony.

She swallows hallow 

foul vowel bowels

that’s an ugly backwards hat,

in the spat of ungodly, to allow 

weirdly sibling love worldly:

from the wrong wedding bows.

She’s a missus that reminisces.

In the decay’s of yesterday’s

because today is not her way.

She rewinds time to find,

the love not from Above 

replays in her mind.

She’s radiated rust 

combusted from faded lust.

She sexually dated 

and awaited to castrate, 

the he she’s now 

in the bow of marry.

Vulnerability can be lonely, 

especially if worldly is the view only.

She is married to a he 

that sees worldly like she.

She likes the spikes of 

being hiked in worldly.

She chooses to 

use the fuse of godly broadly.

She’s a salesman 

that sexually traded in sin,

for the ungodly 

hit it and quit it misfit win.

Me

I see clearly.

I’m away from 

that chaotic decay,

to not sin with no godly win 

in the building 

with no godly wings;

with coupling pairs that wear 

wedding rings, which truly sting.

That building with no godly wings, 

is a wasteland in dry bones quicksand.

Full of bull human false prophets, 

who made it hobbit; and  

worldly form to conform,

instead of godly transformed. 

In the sin to never win,

by the lies that hide pride inside.

Popularity is the worldly insincerity. 

The kool-aid black tees 

were the robotic routines.

I choose to lose the world

boldly, not coldly maturely.

He

He rejects God’s truth

to be aloof from biblical proof.

He wants to be confused,

to play the ruse of abuse;

in immaturity, 

because he’s lonely. 

And thinks by sinking 

in drinking phony.

He has no accountability, 

so how can he see maturely?

He doesn’t understand 

that sexual dating is quicksand;

that leads to many wrong 

and strong throng weeds,

that make the stake on fake

awake and shake in broken need.

He doesn’t want to see

he isn’t walking godly.

He doesn’t want supernaturally 

just broken token tangibility

with this she who’s worldly like he.

Talking godly isn’t walking godly.

Love is an action word.

He doesn’t know love,

so how can he grow by Above?

Stagnancy is his galaxy

of control in his one man patrol

in the hiss

and diss from the poisonous kiss

cancerous chaotic show;

where it’s time to go and glow.

But he doesn’t want to know. 

Money is his guarantee honey.

That he doesn’t want to let go of.

She

She doesn’t want to be seen 

as a sister in her missus routine.

She flees with the enemy

with a husband 

who treats her like a teen,

not a queen that 

fights in no light worldly.

To offset the supernatural reset 

of God-ordained only.

What’s done in the dark 

comes to light by godly might.

She’s married and it isn’t godly.

“Whoso findeth 

a wife findeth a good thing, 

and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:22‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Is biblical words of truth.

She didn’t want to wait 

and rushed in 

this combusted lust,

by leading and 

internally bleeding

by creeping and 

cheating herself.

She skipped courted 

and being waited on. 

A man takes the lead 

from a woman’s actions.

She led by drunken dread 

planting weeds,

that now make her bleed 

with broken need internally.

“Be not deceived; 

God is not mocked: 

for whatsoever a man soweth, 

that shall he also reap.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Me

If we as Your Chosen 

choose fast tracks,

then the quick decision 

will show the positions 

is a rewind of the mind

over time. 

Jesus took thirty years 

to prepare for His Calling.

I took thirty-one 

before my choice was His Voice. 

I decided to no longer be stronger 

in lies that make my stake 

in fake break me to die inside;

because of sinning not winning pride.

I chose to lose 

the world on the fourth month, 

of the year two thousand fourteen.

Jesus took three additional years,

to walk His Calling

before His Powerful 

Midnight Hour Encounter with God 

in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

Jesus later died

on the Cross of Calvary; 

so I can finally be set free.

I choose to see godly.

I choose to lose 

the ruse of world: 

boldly not coldly maturely.

I choose to believe 

and achieve in faith,

the wasteland in quicksand; 

will supernaturally pour water

in your perfect timing God.

With you it’s never too late.

I choose to eject 

and reject my flesh god facades.

I choose to walk this talk 

your way in today; 

because I say yes to Your Obey.

I choose to continue 

to pray for your chosen

lost, and stuck in the rut 

of the decay’s in yesterday’s.

In your timing Lord

all of humanity will 

choose to be set free

faithfully, because we are 

one nation of humanity through humility.

Wasteland in quicksand

will never be bigger

than your Kingdom Band:

Three Strands.

“Two are better than one; 

because they have 

a good reward for their labour. 

For if they fall, 

the one will lift up his fellow: 

but woe to him 

that is alone when he falleth; 

for he hath not another to help him up. 

Again, if two lie together, 

then they have heat: 

but how can one be warm alone? 

And if one prevail against him, 

two shall withstand him; 

and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-12‬ ‭KJV‬‬


Assignments

So I had this larger than life themed dream like two weeks ago I think. I can’t remember when I first dreamt it and when Jojo* and I prayed over it. It felt like two weeks ago, then again everyday feels like the same pain with no gain. I was supposed to write about this dream in my blog, before now but I was fogged in my pain from triggers bigger than me, that has me landing in my past. God is deliberately using my current season as a grad student and teacher resident to show me that these weeds that I buried are meant to be uprooted. 

I’m easily triggered by my sexual assault from 19 years old. These memories come in snippets, I did the best I could have, to block it all out. One of my favorite things I did growing up with my brother besides making up games and places, was wrestling with him. Razor Ramon was my favorite wrestler. I really liked his toothpick swag. That was the coolest part of the character he became. The vests were cool too. I used to go to school thinking I was too cute, and too cool with my vest. That was my one consistent buy, every year when my dad took me shopping for back to school. One day after what happened to me when I was 19, my brother and I were reminiscing, and when he did a move that made me flash back to that night, I froze. I tried to play it off because what happened to me made my brother really sad, well it maddened him, and as his older sister I see where his blind rage takes him. He’s a hothead like our mom, like me, my sister, and my dad only when my mom pushes a specific button. Growing up I picked up how a lot of my family members ticked. And one of my assignments was to be the defuser, so I just sort of downplayed a lot. 

I couldn’t downplay this moment, and I felt so bad, because I think my brother cried when he saw how I reacted. The memories are fuzzy. Then again memories around 19, and what happened to me are always fuzzy occurrences. I will to forget and block a lot. In that moment it took me back to another event when my brother and I, found metal to use as bats to play baseball, and we started playing baseball, the metal had a piece inside of it, that we didn’t know about; so when he swung the metal the piece inside flew to my head. To this day I still have the mark above my right eye. My brother balled like a baby. I can’t remember if I was a jerk, or or I comforted him, I went back in forth in my role as his older sister. But I do remember how I deeply dislike seeing those I love cry, it bugs me. So seeing him cry again, because of what happened to me bothered me so much. I just wanted to defuse immediately, and go back to happiness. I didn’t tell anyone in my family about what happened at 19, until six months I think or even a year later. I told my sister and dad last. I made my mom and brother promise not to say a word. And they respected what I asked. Fourteen years later, it’s still a trigger that I believe I’ll have for the rest of my life, and that’s okay because my God saved me. I am diease free, and I’m a woman that’s pro choice, but I personally choose life. I wasn’t put in a position that always petrified me growing up, “unplanned/unwanted” pregnancy. Children are a gift from God. I love kids so much, and truly believe as adults we are the village that should protect, and help groom them to be amazingly successful on this planet. That’s my favorite part of being a teacher right now, being a bridge to these beautiful kids and loving on them. Love is the key ingredient to everything. Love is my compass. God is my compass:

I didn’t realize that the series of events that’s been happening the last two months, is supposed to show me God is fighting for me, and pushing out the dark of my missed marks. At 19 I felt stripped from my expectations on how my life was supposed to turn out sexually. I wanted to save myself for marriage. I got made fun of because of it and barely had friends. I didn’t know what real friendship was until Jojo, and my cousin Lucy* who I love very much, was tight with me like sisters, most of our lives but we were sisters from a worldly lens, which was filled with so much brokenness. Christ centered sisterhood didn’t happen until Jojo entered my life, then God blessed me with more sisters after that. So because of that traumatic occurrence at 19, I decided that life needed to end. From 19-27 I struggled with anorexia and tried killing myself three times, from 23-30. The years might be off but those are the numbers that came to me. But God had other plans. Reflecting, I’m so glad God was persistent I’m here. I see the impact I’m making in these kids as a teacher. Thanks Dad.

I got a review that I felt very blindsided by. Which triggered all these emotions, that can be pinpointed at 19 according to me. The last two weeks, God has been showing me, the reel of peeling these feelings are an unveiling in my whaling. I’m tired of crying. I hate crying because once I start, the waterworks don’t stop. But now that I’m anchored to my King who makes my soul sing, I see that I’m in free talking in my walking as His Be. What happened to me in my 20’s, won’t happen again. It’s hard to believe but all God is telling me is to receive it. I had three mental breakdowns to the point I was told I’d never graduate college and never work, I had four jobs while I was attending Berkeley College, taking minimum 19 credits and graduated with a 3.5. Take that man that said no, because my God said go. No one is bigger than the one who set me free: Emmanuel, God with us. That’s why words of man, especially when they don’t align to what God tells me will always be dismissed.

I’ve always listened to God above man. And I always will. But I’m still flawed and have a lot of issues God is carving out of me. So I put the person that gave me my review on a pedestal, because I saw that this flawed human was more powerful than God when it came to my grades. In the summer I had a 3.5 GPA at grad school and I want to maintain this. This review will alter my vision and I flipped out, then pouted but ultimately my shouts lead to hidden tears that I desperately needed to be shed from my past. God showed me I forgot he was God, sorry Dad, thank you for your loving correction. If he can make Berkeley College undergrad can happen then God can make anything happen. It’s easy for any of us, including myself to get caught up in the mundane routine of everyday life, forgetting as God’s chosen we are saints on assignments. 

My church hurt, from my former church was just a trigger that’s bigger to show me I have a lot of life hurt. I’ve constantly been blindsided by humans I assumed I figured it “all” out, just because my King has blessed me with certain gifts, but that does not mean my gifts are not controlled by God. All of me that is meant to edify God’s name is controlled by God. Me saying yes to God, on the best day I’ve lived so far: 4.4.14, means I say yes to everything done God’s way. I was definitely not okay with J to C, and I was only allowed to fight God for like ten hours max. It’s getting harder for me to delay my yes to God. As I draw closer to him, I just want to please my King instantly because only God makes me sing and only God, and the vessels he used who showed me my true love is in Jesus Christ alone, and it is more than I could ever want or ask for. Knowing my worth was something I chased all my life. I sought it in challenging myself to learn new jobs and skills, besides seeing spiritually what’s going on in every industry. I ignored that. It didn’t fit my plan. Jumping from job to job, made me delude myself, that the same truths God has been telling me all my life would stop, that my King would stop showing me but He didn’t. 

I get bored so easily because of my abilities and gifts; and how God truly speaks to me. I sought my worth in men too. God limited me how far I went with my wrong relationships. I was carrying shame from my assault at 19, because I was stupid enough, in this bondage that I honestly feel free from now, but when I was entrapped, I believed I allowed myself to lose a precious gift like my virginity, so to me it didn’t matter who I ended up marrying. But God is God. And God loves me so much, he meet me. I came out the womb understanding there was more. And that I was created to be set apart. I’m in a full circle of my own bondage from this, and now I feel free. Ephesians 6:20 reminds me of this truth. Thank you God Almighty. Thank you. 

Fun geeky fact about my whole name: my first name means Christianity or Christian, my middle name means queen, and my last name means love to all. My entire name is so fitting to who I’m encompassed as a human. And who I’m made to be as a woman of God and His Kingdom. My parents fought to figure out what to name me, when I was born, my aunt named me, who’s battling stage 4 or 3 breast cancer I cannot remember, because her whole approach about this hurts and upsets me. So my aunt came at the midnight hour and named me. My parents stopped fighting and loved the name she came up with. I’m honored my aunt named me, especially after hearing her testimony. She’s on my father’s side. She married a guy that my dad told her wasn’t the one and she didn’t listen. This guy beat her up where she can no longer hear in one of her ears and she cannot have children. 

When I was old enough to understand what happened to her I instantly grew a deeper love for her. And I wanted to kill that guy with my bare hands. I deeply dislike bullies that prey on weaker people. I was bullied myself growing up then I learned how to kick people’s butt and ran with my raging anger, which was not a solution either. There’s no accidents with God. I used to know really dirty tricks I’m not sorry for, and I used to know how to hold a razor blade in my mouth undetected. But when I said yes to Jesus that all went out the window. I can’t remember any of this. God is my protector now not my raging anger of flesh. Me being alive to this day is a testament to this truth that God is God. I should not be alive, and this truth stems from the Friday night I was born. I was born blue, and not breathing for 15 minutes. How I tried to end my life should have ended my life, again God is God. That’s why I go so hard for God unapologetically, he’s shown me how much he loves me too many times in my life for me to not completely surrender my life over to him. Especially when I fully understood the love I was chasing was only found in Jesus my savior. 

The heartbreaks of my intakes landed on my expectations in sanded man, my pause in cause left me with painful hesitations. But now God is using my patrol in control for his glory because I’m his story. I wanted my struggle to look a certain way, there’s so many plans in my head that God is just destroying in his timing not mine. This ribcage God keeps showing me was supposed to look a certain way too. God totally dismantled that. I’m God’s canvas, because God controls the the strokes to my chokes, my provokes, and my need to believe I control the seed of evoke. 

There all chimes in times that are reels to my peeling feelings. My seasons are God’s Hidden Reasons, my scales were pale, by his control of my actuate swing in my stings of the continuum on my pendulum. God always had my back, all these attacks were pruning tracks for me to see my setbacks are His Setups in His Buildup. My fall in my call to all, is the destruction of my walls of construction. I’m having so many full circle moments lately because they’re all supposed to prepare me. My attitude is forever in gratitude because my meditation is my dedication to my King who will always control my ready ring. So I pause in neglect and accept the call on my fall to all.

So in the dream, everything was destroyed, there was a residue of worldly flesh god rescues in the fail scale of virtue. There was an incomplete building larger than life, just larger than a building should be in general. I was instantly annoyed because I knew it was some riffle I wasn’t interested in discerning. But God is God. There was water near but it was polluted so I couldn’t get excited about it. Water makes me happy every time I dream about it. Water is baptism, restoration and all things new. Water is the physical symbolism that shows the world that I’m about this burning bush life with my King who makes my soul sing. So that deflation of polluted water upset me. 

Then Jojo* came all bubbly and excited and I’m like what’s her deal? She needs to take it down 8 notches. But I didn’t tell her that, I didn’t want to kill her happy, regardless how I felt. So I told her do you know what this means? She bubbly said yes, we go lower and pull the darken in the light. I was like whatever people don’t want truth so let them die in lies. And then of course she convicts me, and says we are called to rise above and love. Then said ready, set, break. So we dispersed. Then I saw a co-worker that God put in my heart to pray for. And I do when I honestly remember which is rarely. But ever since I meet her last year, God was just showing me stuff about her and I’m like what am I supposed to do with this? Sometimes I got pray and other times I got no answer. She’s annoying so it clouds my godliness. Most times I just want to slap her. My flesh god facades are real too. I’m not exempt, at all. I’m a hot mess too. 

So this chick said there’s no wine. And I was like what!? I looked to my left and my right and I saw the world basically ending, and this chick is talking about wine!? I then thought she bumped her head. Then I ended up in some old looking creepy hotel looking place with so many hidden compartments. And people just laying lifeless on the floor. The more I tried to leave the deeper I got in the maze. And what kept popping up in my head was my old church and I kept telling God whatever you got that. I’m out of that hot mess, and the people say amen. I was on that tip of Crysta moved on, you should too God. But God is God. He calls the shots not hot headed me. 

Then the dream switched to this gorgeous looking garden from Paris. And I saw new beginnings, in these two couples that look like they belong together, (because they did, love is only found in the foundation of God. Only God is love, therefore, only God can write your love story;) and these two couples are doing everything God’s way, in complete alignment to God. It was so beautiful to see. There were two guys and two girls, and the two guys wanted to go to this garden that looked so suspicious, but their girlfriends told them no and they listened and walked away with their arms around their girlfriends. Then the Garden of Eden popped up in my head, especially the part in Genesis, where Adam silently allowed Eve to be deceived by the serpent. As a ribcage Adam failed to cover his rib. Then I thought men are problems God, because they are boys masquerading as men. Too many boys that masquerade as men, are in reality going ahead of God and entering marriages of convience and comfort instead of for love and edification of God’s Kingdom. It’s so discouraging what a mockery of what love and marriage is biblically supposed to be in today’s time. So discouraging. Then I woke up. 

I asked God what was that dream for? I got at the destruction is how the guy that God tells me is my ribcage sees the world. And this morning I got this is how I see the world too, we see the same. But the Paris part is how I long the world to be. I want the world to stop buffeting this walk in flesh god facade and just really be about the burning bush. I’m over the fakeness and stimulations that egos create. So I’m like God forget them, let them die in lies of flesh. Bye. And God keeps showing me through my dreams and through Jojo, to rise above and love and trust God. As hard as this all feels and looks, I do decide to choose love. I can’t go back to who I used to be, that broken girl is dead and will never be validated by anything or anyone other than God again. Thank you God for using everything in my life, especially my painful trials to make me into your image. Thank you for always changing me for the better Dad. Amen. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy