I’m very transparent…except for my vulnerability. I scaffold who sees the raw me. However, there’s no hesitation for God to use my trails as tests to propel souls to be their best through my testimony. My life is His so I freely give me away for the gift of we in Today. Would I truly love it if all souls shifted their focus on things of Above? Absolutely, but my heart is weary, and this planet is very scary. I understand that my heart had to break, so God can take away what isn’t made to stay. I walked into to lion’s dens that over time my mind comprehended there’s layers to fears. Fears that I’ve blocked, and stopped as if I decided what comes to the Light of Christ. That’s not my call if my duty as His restored soul is to never grow old and cold. God pushes me to see that I needed to be free from all hidden toxicities boldly.
This winter break was truly what my heart needed to believe again. Apart of me that died came back alive by spending time with this beautiful family. My restoration in hope is what I’m clinging to as my new focused virtue. Being transparent did not come with pain this time. My future steps is the zeroed in win of being God’s cornerstone so souls can no longer be alone. My biggest challenge is forgiving. A few conversations occurred where I saw my heart needed to thaw. I used to get angry, but anger is extremely blinding—not aligning to His Kingdom unifying timing. Anger feeds feelings of me in an isolated toxicity. God is not a God of anger. God is a God of peace and order. God called my feet to meet in the worship space with souls I had no desire to face, but God is a God of grace to grace—so I say hey, let’s do this Race in the gift of Today the Holy Trinity’s way.
I’ve realized when I’m unsure of how to express myself from a mature space of love, I go to the gift of rhyming that God has blessed me with. This blog is one of the biggest blessings in my life. This blog outside of Jojo* saved my life. I was on the brick of dying from lies, and was tired of fighting. I wanted everything to end four years ago. I was tired of not understanding what God was trying to show me verses my current reality. I was tired of the facades surrounding me, including my own highlight reels that never took away the empty of my soul. Only fully saying yes to Jesus—being transparent that “I’m done with the world and I want you God, but I just don’t know what coming to you looks like.” What does wanting God really mean? How does healthy love look like? What is a relationship verses having a religion with God really mean? Do I really understand the voice of God like I suspect that I do? I had all these God questions, and was finally no longer afraid to embark on the journey where I know only God has my answers. So I said, “what’s the worse that can happen? I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.” I made that decision to never look back on April 4th, 2014 at my old church. I’m thankful for my old church, regardless of the outcome, or how that outcome affected my life. My old church was used as a tool to fully commit my life to Christ. My feet being in my old church is how I started understanding I need to be in the Bible aggressively daily if I want God’s clarity. My feet being in my old church solidified that I cannot be shaken in the voice of God. What my old church has done for me cannot be put into words, so I take it all—the great, the painful, and the blessings in disguise that are now coming alive.
Everything and everyone were tools to get me to where I currently am, so I thank the souls that loved on me. I’m grateful for the souls that lied to me, because I appreciate authenticity more. And I see the souls that failed at breaking me blessed me more than I can ever put into words with my supernatural strengthening, and my solidification in daily sanctification. God used everything for His glory, especially pain that I thought would never have any gain unfolding right before my eyes that came alive by the supernatural power in God’s midnight hour. Time has been my greatest advocate. Time has consistently showed me what to act on, and what to sit on as God unfolds his prophecy coming to pass. I’m learning how to be content in what makes no sense. I’m practicing how to say okay with what Jesus continues to breathe in my nostrils, regardless if I agree: I’m no longer feeding the broken weed of angry. The Holy Trinity has been telling me to:
You will see,
and trust Me—since February 3rd, 2016 on visions, and what Greater is He who lives in me than he who’s of the world has been speaking in my soul consistently. (1 John 4:4)
I’m finally in the space to act on waiting for what I was throwing demanding tantrums on knowing. God isn’t budging, and He wants me focused on walking through my feelings—😩. I really don’t favor this act, in fact it’s a practice I deeply dislike. However, crying me a river in the shower yesterday was very liberating. I was very hurt and upset that God blessed me with God-fearing friendships with this beautiful family last fall that Jojo and I both got close to lately—only to yank them away from us indefinitely. I know there’s peace on this Western Hemisphere journey but it still hurts. V* was truly the first God-fearing woman that openly loved with her heart, without showing resistance, and without “feeling me out, to see what I’m about.” There was no jealousy or pettiness. I didn’t have to walk through the unnecessary emotionally immature cattiness of cliques. I didn’t have to walk through dealing with walls until I “proved myself worthy, to be around.”
I am tired of that routine to the point that brokenness came on me. Now I’m so hesitant when I grew up being arms wide open. Did that bite me in the butt? More times than I know how to count. I changed completely from being bubbly and open because of my experiences in the past—especially at my old church. I keep to myself, and beautiful souls that want to get to know me will come to me, because I’m done extending myself. Has things changed since God has changed my place of worship? Yes. I’ve been blessed to meet some amazing women of God that I’m getting to know now.
Am I still walking through the infamous “church hurt?” I’m not sure, but I do know that God is a God of purpose and the blueprints are similar—thankfully my experience isn’t. I’m being protected from a lot, and I’m very thankful for that. I have a broken-hearted theory that souls that follow Jesus, and even souls who don’t yet [but will because every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord— (Romans 14:11)] have settled into this notion that “church hurt” is a norm that should be accepted. Why!? I don’t understand this absurd norm. Jesus didn’t accept it, and He died on the Cross to reverse that curse. It’s a curse to isolate someone. Isolating souls also ignores the purpose of the Cross of Calvary. Jesus didn’t die in vain, so why has so many of us started operating on egg shells acting as if Jesus’ death didn’t rectify and revived what perished back to life? But what do I know right? I’m a transparent soul that follows the Bible, but doesn’t have a platform or a specific status like Jesus didn’t either when He walked Earth. He has a platform now through His followers carrying on His message. Sadly, the world has fallen into this death trap that needs these specifics. Like the world fell in the same trap back then that killed Jesus. Jesus warned us about this as well in the Bible, yet this sad notion is heavily practiced above what Jesus specifically tells us how to counteract this blinding and dividing lie in the Bible: Love God and Love each other as sisters and brothers. We are called to get over ourselves in me to faithfully be one in the body. I pray one day unity is for all humanity.
However, it was refreshing woman to woman that V is welcoming in “hey, you want to hang out?” And my reply of course was, “Yes, let’s do this.” There was no “I need time to be around your space, to see what you’re about.” Maybe I experienced this refreshing gift with other women in the past and I just didn’t notice it, but it was very transparent in V. And V, her dope husband E*, and their beautiful son P* restored something in my soul that died. I hate that God is taking them away, but I understand that it’s necessary—so I choose to trust Him through this hurt that I pray has worth one day.
society dismantled the beauty in transparency.
cultural rituals became the lane of habitual.
being hurt is overlooked, which is a sad space
of hidden pain that’s explosive veins of insane.
being transparent can be effortless,
when me is replaced with the beauty of we.
Yesterday, I was blessed to spend time with another one of my loves, Nel* who’s also leaving but not as quickly as V—who’s leaving this Thursday after we spent New Years Eve together. I’m even more thankful we got New Year’s Eve now that I see she and her beautiful family have to leave. It’s a rarity to have open and healthy amongst women. I think it’s very unfortunate, but I haven’t had the greatest experiences with women over the years. I’m far from a saint, and I’m the first to say I’m an emotional hot mess. But I run to God and ask him if any of what is told to me is true within me, and if it is then change me Lord. I wasn’t always in this space, but being blessed with divine separation last year opened my eyes on a higher level to push for more love and less division. There are souls I never want to see or face again, but God doesn’t usually give me what I want. I highly doubt I’ll get what I want. The God I serve gives us what we need, and never what we want. So we shall see what comes next 💛. I don’t know what this year holds, but I know who crowns the year. (Psalms 65.) Love she that scribes lines of poetry.
*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy